Lists

I want to someday use the phrase "bend back your bow." Because it sounds taut and brimming with potential.

I want to call an Aaron... Ayh-ayhron like it seems is standard in local game shops around the northeast Ohio area.

I want to say "it lets us project force" and be referencing something beyond copacetic. Like an air filter.

Slip "cwm" into casual conversation. Which terrifies me but then I get to use "cwm"

"May your blades chip and shatter" instead of fuck you.

"Form up on me" instead of follow me.

Qanat and event horizon. Really wonky works to shoe horn. Thicc and thirsty.

Reference the eiger, El Mio Cid, and brutalist architecture.

Hear somone utter "there's no secrets this year" before unlocking a door.

Hear a girl say the word "panties" The stupid stuff you hear in porn no one says. "I'm so wet"

Somone rap all 800 something Pokemon.

I want to get my kids calling the heat of the summer snicker-snack. And the sway of tall grass in lots vorple.

I want a zenith of stability. A new sun's dawn. Heaven in a grain of sand.

List songs on Huey Lewis and the News albums.

Call the paper pushing I do at work "tradecraft" You dont get it guys...getting your trip purchase pre-approved beforehand is tradecraft.

I "saber rattle" and send my assistant to jilt clients in gunboat diplomacy.

Grind and ride or die. Get woke and check your privilege. Make this blog great again.

I want to write a decent poem.

New Car, Same Anxiety

I bought a new car. Not the Forester Sport I mentioned in an earlier post because that car is about 10k more than budgeted so had to go for something a bit more pedestrian.

I got a Honda Civic.

But, it's an EXL so leather seats and then the cool widgets like heated seats, lane assist, and other smart features that make it seem like Skynet is driving.

But that's not the story. The story is…

I live very close to a coworker. Like a half mile away. I try to dodge her when I am at Target or the grocery store. If I see her at the on ramp in the morning then it means I'm running late. No way I can drop my kids off at daycare and book it to work. If I see her then I'm in trouble. But that day my wife took the kids to daycare so I could lounge for an extra 10 minutes. Seeing this co-worker that day was not a portent of imminent doom.

So me and the coworker pinball on the highway to work. At the office she asks “Did you get a new car?” and I replied in the affirmative. “Yeah, old one had just shy of 100k miles and bought it in a different time when,I didn't have kids so time to change it.”

To which she replies, “Oh that's not too bad. My car has over 100k miles. I've been driving it since I was 15!”

This sends me into an anxious blob of self doubt. A perfectly innocent comment. She was just making small talk. She liked your car. People are just being nice but nope nope nope….

Felt like a bourgeoisie jerk. I could have driven my car for another 5 years! Just a bit of detailing and body work. Way to be so indulgent! You said you would drove that car until the wheels fell off and they did not! It was still going! Now it will be turned into a cube!

Then a panicked jerk. Ugh how will we afford this. We ran the numbers. It made sense. We can do this. But...what if we can't!? Should have kept old car.

Then an angry jabroni. Look at you getting mad over something like this. They were just being nice. You'll likely blog about this.

But it was brief so I shuffled away to my office.

I have a rogues gallery of awkward variants.

• There is the you are so cool/smart/talented kind. Why am I even around you?!
• There is the I think you are good looking awkward. Why am I even allowed around you?!
• There is the you are cool/smart AND good looking awkward. Why? Just why?!
• There is the angry awkward. I really don't like you but I'm trying to be better. Or at least plan my counter attack bon mottes!
• There is the we knew each other years ago and I don't want to acknowledge that we kind of hated each other then but we are trying to be cool at this wedding awkward.

And a whole ton more. Reading these blog posts after the fact is a kind of awkward too!


All that said there is more to the story because later that day on the way back home...

By coincidence, I have another coworker who has the same exact car! And she has had it for maybe just shy of a year. Had I realized this I would have not bought it because that's weird. Insisted on another color or something.

So I message this worker (who I am terrified to talk to btw but I wanted to get ahead of maybe an ersatz exchange in the parking lot) and say "Oh hey, we have the same car. Isn't that funny!?"


And she replies how you think a normal human would. "Oh wow. Haha well it is a good car! Enjoy"

But my instant thought is...well now she thinks you are stalking her. Which then downgrades to just weird. To then...yeah this is likely all in your head. OR IS IT?!

Then on the way back home that day...I hover right next to her for maybe half a mile on the highway. Not on purpose! I was boxed in by several box trucks, which I can't believe I just typed but that is what they were and that is what they were doing. Please let me shift to the left lane! PLEASE!?

Did I mention the car has seat warmers?