A Podcast You Read

Two of my friends have begun podcasts and one of them is proposing to start another where it is just him. This is in reaction to the quarantine for COVID 19 which, as a I write this, is relaxing in Ohio but I can also see it bounce back in the fall because people are dumb.

Oh, don't worry. I am not starting a podcast. I have a hard enough time with this blog and I don't have a partner to parry and pivot from. I would also be awful at editing and production values. Kids screaming in the background. A toilet flushing and some sort of weird hum as well. Max Headroom would take over and scream about his medical conditions. I mean, if you think of this blog as a podcast that you read then here is the extent of my artistic capabilities. 

If I did a podcast it would be rambling and too self referential for its own good. This is the kind of stuff on very early morning AM radio. Except instead of talking about UFOs and CIA black helicopters I will talk about going 0 and 3 on a MTG draft or how the tree in my backyard does nothing but spit branches out with even a passing gentle zephyr wind. Or dumb internal monologues except in my bargain bin puberty voice. Not like the plays you see here. I would for sure break into a horrible impression that would nuke people's ears. Something like

Co Worker, via text: Thanks for the info. I miss seeing your face on the admin wide zoom calls btw!

Me, via text: Oh me too! Thanks

Me, in my head trying to sound confident: OMG. She is flirting with me! YASS!

Also me, also in my head but not sounding confident which is pretty much how I always sound: No, dumbass. She is just being nice. 

Or really horrible rambling stories. Like I was at work the other day. Just me stuffing some envelope and in walks in a co-worker/teacher to print some stuff. And as she is printing while I am at my desk it starts to smell like the most wonderful fried chicken. Wafting from the outside and I am "What is happening? And, don't say anything because it will be awkward and awful for sure. Keep your head down. Type type type type." But for sure its weird and this is the first co-workers I have physically seen in like 3 weeks and I want to be "OH HEY HOW ARE YOU! I MISS HELPING YOU OUT INDEED. I HOPE THIS IS NOT WEIRD."

Or, I would just make it an oral version of my Twitter. Like, have you guys heard Run The Jewels!? Holy shit they are awesome. And timely! Why didn't I know about them? Well its because the only music you listen to is the same 20 or so Toonami soundtracks and video game scores while you try to get your 10000 steps a day. 

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Or hey I liked a bunch of Tweet by both a trans-femme MTG player AND that Neontaster guy who could be an Israeli counter intelligence agent AND then about a dozne Cleveland sports account AND that guy who likes bike lanes in Sandusky a bit too much. Yeah, eat that algorithm. 

If anything that is what I would call my podcast, Eat it Algorithm!

Books I Should Have Already Read, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

Keeping on keeping on. This copy I got for free on my wife's neighborhood freecycle page. I mean the front cover was ripped off but the rest of the book was there!

• These book covers (and I know there are more) always show Harry and the crew in like normal clothes. he is wearing jeans. But the books always talk about robes and I imagine these guys running around in muu-muus with maybe some underpants and a tshirt underneath. 
• I have only read three of these books but this one is my favorite so far. There is enough of a familiarity with the characters and setting to feel comfortable but she opens up more of the world. Harry "blowing up" Aunt Marge, the trips to other places in the magical Hogwarts world, the Quidditch final, Snape finally losing his utter shit at Harry, etc all feel very organic, necessary, and rewarding. Do they go downhill from here?!
• Ron is still my homebody and there is a very uncomfortable and sudden bit of violence that describes how his leg breaks as he gets sucked under the Whomping Willow near the book's climax.
• Speaking of climax, when I read the first part of it I was a bit frustrated. Here is Harry getting deus ex machina'ed AGAIN but its actually a clever trick as his FUTURE self is the one who fires the Patronus spell.
• Dementors sound very cool and creepy AND I know 100% get the Prison Mike reference of The Office what with "The toughest part of prison was the dementors" joke. I want to visit Azkaban. I imagine it as basalt cone volcano rising from the sea and encircled by a island high chain of stone steps. Then hundreds of cell facing out from the rock into the sea at the steps with metal bars over their openings. The dementors loop endlessly on the stairs like video game guards for eternity.
• I ALSO got a Twitter joke where a user, in reference to the high turnover of officials in the Trump administration (Only hire best people you know) said "Hogwarts loses another Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher" What a lovely cosmic coincidence.
• Doesn't the presence of a Defense Against the Dark Arts imply and welcome a looming and potential violence? Magical Self Defense perhaps because can't even your best bud totally clobber you with some bolt of purity or what not?
• I still know nothing about Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff save Hufflepuff wears canary yellow.

On to the next book!

The Grid

Sorry, guys its a topical poem. 

Here is my horror about Zoom calls.

Or any remote chat rig, to be honest

Their intimacy.

Peering into others homes, seeing

Piles of laundry

Dogs licking themselves

And, forget to mute yourself and yell

At your kids

Your spouse

Fuck, no. I am on a call.

A few more minutes, I think

Have three of these in 24 hours

This is what the President must feel like

That fuckhead, also applies to multiples on these calls

There is also the slow horror that they can see back to me

Permanent scuff marks onto the paint and divots in dry wall

I need a strong background. Family pictures and sports memorabilia

To end that fear when it inevitably returns

When you realize you've fantasized to four of the participants

On this call, but not on the next one.

A horrible burden it would be to read minds 

Peering into the grid, lines of codes and glowing pixels

Hearing these calls and knowing what all people think.

Mostly that you're boring. 

Books I Should Have Read Already, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

Finished the second book so here are some thoughts. Note that there isn't a larger introduction or aside about the book since I did that in the first post. This will also be done via the handy dandy bulleted list

• Ok, I lied. One quick aside. But, still, bulleted list. In the last couple of days JK Rowling has been in the news especially after posting a manifesto defending her recent statements on gender and transpeople. I haven't read the manifesto but as someone who firmly supports trans folks and the determination that gender is inherently cultural and not purely biological, I don't think it would be something that excites me. It is tough to see fans feel so hollowed out by Rowling's statements and what seems to be a deep dig into the culture war trenches. As someone who was very taken aback by Orson Scott Card's toxicity (I loved Ender's Game and especially the Shadow series with Bean. Alas) I get it except HP is twenty times bigger than Ender's Game. It hurts. A girl I crushed on in college has an HP tattoo (That I never got as I stared at the back of her head in one of the umpteen Science Fiction classes) and I think if she still displays it proudly? I bet not. And rightfully so. For what it is worth, every HP book I got (Already on 3rd one and have some other ones in stock) are used or library copies. 
• Gideon Lockhart is a piece of shit and I hope he doesn't come back. And, yeah Ron is still my mans and boy I hope he doesn't die.
• Are Slytherin's going to be redeemed in the later books? Because, right now I hope not and they get crushed because its just pure dick baggery. I want some Fire Nation from ATLA vibes but its just pure mustache twirling. Like, kick these folks out if they have a latent time bomb monster that pops up every 50 years! Maybe its a balance thing like color black in Magic? Still got plenty of books.
• The mandrakes reminded me of Pan's Labyrinth, one of my favorite movies, so yay for that little aside. Going to have to go re-watch it. 
• Harry has some Sailor Moon vibes to him what with the MacGuffin's showing up at the last minute to save him. Sword and a phoenix ally? That is usually two seasons deep of upgrades for the hero.
• Are there other magical school that are not Hogwarts? Because could I go there where there aren't monsters and the looming threat of being collateral damage in Harry's story?
• I am liking this world and the wizardy a lot more than I expected. Thought I would be immune but here I am thinking what my wand would be made of and what I would specialize in going into my third year. Don't worry, those are surely coming in a later post. 
• Is this book set in 1992? Because when Nearly Headless Nick has his 500 year deathday party it says he died around 1492. I would guess since it is just a few years before when she wrote it. Still feels very timeless, but help me place it. Lucky I was not some British kid in 1992 or I would "Hey, ya think Harry liked....whatever British kids liked in 1992?"

On to the 3rd one. 

Osmosis

The greatest gift the universe has given me is that my children have not mimicked my nasty habit of screaming "God fucking damn it" or "Fuck me in the ass!" when suffering some minor and petty slight. Got shocked by the door knob to the basement? Took the wrong turn? Someone missed a free throw? Well, there you go. 

Note my children have begun to develop all sorts of other stupid quirks of mine. An anxious worry about what are we going to do next? Yup. Yelling "Ok, you win!" to end an argument? Oh, well they are in the AP class of that. Spending too much time on screens? Got it. 

Noted they do enjoy health fruits and vegetables as snacks so we got that going as well. 

Sticks

During a  storm the mighty basswood tree in the backyard spits out branches. Then in the next morning the charcoal grill looks as if subterranean arms are pulling it back to the earth. To slough off the iron, rust, and wood and melt it back into the earth to fertilize the tree. Smaller bushes are slain by forked branches cutting through the leathery leaves and thorns. Or just tall curved branches that loop up from the grass. Our yard's version of Ayer's Rock, thin wooden monoliths from the ground. 

But, no leaves. Those have been shucked to some further ether. Another neighbor's yard, perhaps? The woods a few miles away? Just dry spindly branches sometimes peppered with the ears of tundra green fungi. 

"That tree is dying," said our behind the fence line neighbor. He had come around to the front to tell me a large branch had fallen in his yard and what I was going to do about it. "Just put it in my yard. Sorry about that."

So, after the storms there is a second flurry of sticks that come from above the forsythia hedge. And not just from my tree but the elderberry bush behind said neighbor's shed. The shagbark hickory on the right of our properties that boomerangs off pieces of its bark with just a strong glance. My yard becomes the neighborhood woodpile for the tin pot yard dictators of the suburbs. These guys have their own edgers and seeders and I chop wood with the hatchet sharpened with my wife's chef block sharpener and rusted from dozens of camping trips.

My mother once came to visit and was leery of the tree. Clutching her rosary she said "Branch will fall" and rarely left the basement. Loaded with leaves that look like elongated hearts and the dew drop tiny flowers it does not feel ominous even with its 70 foot height. But the main branches from the first ring of limbs are as wide as diving boards and thicker than the handsome logs on the faux exterior of a Cracker Barrel. Those could fall with a Seussian "galumph" onto the ground  and cut a deep divot into the earth, unlike the wimpy branches from a regular storm. Those big branches are finite in their threat. One biblical storm and then its gone but the small are endless. Maybe she meant death by hundreds of pin pricks? The neighbor would certainly agree but he is protected by 50 feet of yard and the fan sweep of the branches. 

After the storm then there are questions. Will it be the next one that sunders the main branch? Live another day! Also potential. Fill up the wood bin and fuel a conflagration. The ever burning flame of summer evenings. 

Coffee Shop

Working as a barista I heard several phrases that cut me and then dug deep into the nodes of my brain. They never entered my vocabulary because I am not that brave. I remember verisimilitude and germane and salient from vocab lessons in 7th grade Study Skills class and I use these often, sneaking them into conversation to make myself sound erudite. Oh, that is a coffee shop word. We, like any shop worth its latte foam, had a chalk sandwich board. Problem is my hand writing is a ten car pile up into a burning factory awful. "It looks retarded," my wife once said. "I will never forget your handwriting" says a former coworker on Facebooks and she knows how to decipher words from bad notes left in the warehouse.

But on the sandwich board I wrote "Tyger tyger burning bright, in the forests of the night, what immortal hand or eye, could frame they fearful symmetry." Its a lovely bit of poem by William Blake. I decided to scrawl this on the board (Note last time I wrote on the board I wrote "Have a Latte of Labor Day" and this got sneered out of existence by the coffee intellegista. Karens with advanced degrees!) and it tickled the fancy of some passing men* to say "What an erudite sign"

"Why the sad puss?" That's another one. And, wait, woah. That is some ballsy stuff to say to Chelsea over here running the counter. I would be so embarrassed and this is also sexual harassment, right? "Oh, it means face."

No, the fuck it does not. Really? ***Checks notes*** I will be damned it does mean that but c'mon you knew what you were saying. It caught us both off guard and jacked up the serving line. 

"I will take a peach cappuccino. Like at the gas station."

Wait, what? Excuse me, ma'am but we don't have peach and I don't recommend that. I tried Pineapple Lattes for a while when I was trying to be the "in crowd" and it curdled the milk. 

"Ok, well then strawberry"

No, I refuse. Note the gas station was the Valero in Jacksonville, NY, a town so tiny it wasn't even a village but instead the gas station, a post office, and eleven houses plopped against soybean fields. Its a hamlet I would say, remembering another study skills word, but I think those would feature some actual leadership. Just saying this was not a hotbed of cutting edge cuisine but instead a place where the gas station laid out every Monin syrup they could get by the sugar and creams. For iced teas, I guess?

"My name is Summer. There is nothing funnier than naming a girl from upstate New York, Summer."

This is true. I am sorry, Summer.

"I can tell you are mad at me and my feedback. But I need you to learn how to foam better."

Yes, I am mad because I am getting my balls busted for not drawing a perfect fern on the latte. Have you seen my hand writing?! Have you seen our customers? One guy is called, no joke, Dan the Communist Painter. Did I mention I am good at the register? Like never even a penny off. And I washed the windows. You got time to lean you got time to clean, right?

Source: Pexels, Chevanon Photography

*Channeling a bit of Jane Austen

Periodicals

Opening the shrink wrap of a bundle of Highlights for Children magazine I realized that my children would never have the gut busting thrill of getting a magazine in the mail. I mean, I know they exist but my children are part of that emerging YouTube generation where live TV hurts their heads and endless books are on tablets through things like RazKids and Epic.

I had to wait 6 to 8 weeks (an infinite amount of time to a child) for the first issue of ZooBooks. Do you remember Zoo Books?! They came with stickers and a tiger poster and the elephants issue is free but only if you order now! And, now as an adult, wow thanks guy for a free elephants issue that you already printed. Can someone do the math? Did they only print 11 for the normal bundle and then sucker us into the getting the full 12th (one per month) by having moms call with their credit cards NOW?!

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My main stay was Nickelodeon magazine. Rememebr that back in the go -go 90s you had to pay for Disney Channel and we didn't always have it. Mami would pick and choose from the cable bill like someone saying "Wait, one second. We did not get cheese on this burger and were charged for it!" But Nickelodeon was a basic channel and that way my jam.

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Note that Nickelodeon magazine covered a lot of stuff not on the channel including this mascot fuzzy dog named Zelda that went on comic book adventures. I remember one prank sheet they included about hotels where they included a sheet of paper you could leave in the drawer of a hotel room. You know, where the bible is, right? Then as you leave you put this diploma looking thing in there that had MadLib style blank sheets of paper on it for your family name and that because you were so awesome that that room now needed to be preserved, but you (the new guests) were welcome to breath the air. There was also a Thanksgiving bingo card they included once where they told us to put a piece of inedible gristle in one square. You know, tape it over with some scotch tape. 

I didn't get Nintendo Power because the budget to make that worthwhile was way beyond my reach. I had friends for that with endless NES and SNES games. No Disney Adventures as aforementioned I was a Nick stan. Mad Magazine too which I bought only at the Amigo supermarket and sometimes even Cracked which was trickier to find and because of that felt special regardless of how derivative it felt of Mad. All the back issues of Mad and Cracked stayed in a space above my closet next to shoeboxes of Magic cards. To flick through when the power went out or before bed.

Books I Should Have Read Already, Harry Potter and Sorcerer's Stone

People find this shocking but I don't read much fantasy. I do enjoy playing fantasy but reading it, not my jam. In college I read all of the Lord of the Rings books and I was permanently scarred by the endless songs in them! More than enough. 

So, when I tell people that I have never seen or read anything Harry Potter related its also a bit of a shock. Note that being "nerdy" or "geeky" is now the culture so why would I have missed out?* Unless I actively was avoiding it. Not everyone reads comics books but everyone has seen the MCU movies, right? Harry Potter has seven core books, major movie, a theme park, spin off movies, and a rabid madcap fanbase. First book came out in 1997 so I was in the exact demographic for this book  back in the 7th grade. What was I reading then? X Wing novels, dear readers. Loads of X-Wing novels by Aaron Alston, Michael Stackpole, etc.

Decades into the HP phenomenon this is all I know about HP

• That episode of The Office where they go to the lake and pick team names
• In college the music school had this both physical and cultural cloister to it. In a campus of brutalist structure here was a concrete, glass and, wood (Yes, wood) amalgam of cubes from a lonely quad. And music school kids called everyone else Muggles. "And that means, what?" I would ask to many puzzled looks. 
• A co-worker once told me she was Hufflepuff and this coworker is very cute so I was "Oh, let me do this Sorting Hat thing" and I so wanted Hufflepuff and then I got Gryffindor. Which at the time I was majorly bummed but now I get it. 
• Quidittch is a sport in the world akin to Blitzball or Calvinball that people have leagues for.
• JK Rowling is now canceled due to her virulent anti-trans stances**

 Note I also have this stubborn penchant of wanting to see/experience things in their original media before the adaptation. Never seen any of the movies, so perfect time to read those books? . Twenty three years later I am still awkward and just read it so, lets go. 

It's fun! Loads of nods to hackneyed tropes on wizards and witches that feel quite fresh and note this is me reading it twenty something years later, after its influence has taken. I mean Harry himself is flat as a sheet of paper*** but the world is something for sure! Feeling both present (the modern day notes o video games, real world locations, trains, and holidays) and also aged and classic it all feels like an "old past." Or something from a parallel world. Lore really carries the day here with the references to ancient tomes and creatures. I now finally get those Jelly Belly beans my son loves where some flavors are gross like booger. And the collectible cards in the Chocolate Frogs? What a nice touch. These are real world super heroes. I want to explore this world more. How do they gather unicorn hair? How do they make the wands from all the wood and fibers? I want to see the Hogwarts greenhouse. More lore! MORE!

Some more quick asides

• Hagrid and Ron Weasely are my mans. I hope they don't die.
• While I chuckle at the name Slytherin (This is like Dick Dastardly), I do appreciate them as sort of this chaotic good like Esper in MTG.
• You go to Hogwarts for like umpteen years become this ace wizard/witch and then...what? Hermoine's parents are dentists, right. It seems like Hogwarts just created career academics. "Study hard, Potter. Then maybe you will get tenure."
• Ending is way too much a dues ex machina. Not even against the idea of someone swooping in and saving the day but the fade to black and then happy days that irks me. We spent five chapters setting up how shitty the Durdsleys were. Can we get a few more pages of the final battle?! 

I have the second book already tabbed so stay tuned!

*I have also never seen/read/watched any Dr. Who or Battlestar Galactica. Blog posts to come?!

**Quick aside and chain of rabbit hole...MTG Twitter is very vocal and like many Twitter cultures circular and insular with "celebrities." Many very vocal MTG Twitter folks are LGBTQ including numerous trans folks. So, that is where I learned about the cancelling JK Rowling and I will admit I have only cursorily scanned the issue but in support I will say all the HP books I got are from libraries or second hand. So, no royalties for her from me. 

***He does grow for sure just that he is more a vessel to keep the story going. 

Overheard While Watching Supergirl

"The Daxamites are powerful, but...they have a pronounced lead allergy. A well placed bullet and they are down" ***cocks gun***

Sure, but, isn't that true of like everyone? The allergy is what does them? Could I be a hero by poking them with pencils? Could they not invade the post industrial Rust Belt Midwest due to the high levels of background lead in again cities? I always knew the Great Lakes would be an excellent catastrophe refuge.