Little Moments of Bravery

Little deep moments of bravery will, one day, get me killed. 

Its happened before. Anytime someone said, "Its not that deep!" or "Whats the worst the can happen?!" and then they get swallowed whole by some tiger, that was little deep moments getting someone killed. Evolutions itty bitty rolls of the dice.

Holy shit! It worked! 

Thats very different than...

HOLY SHIT!

Here are little moments of bravery and their internal risk assessments and fantasy day dreams. Stay frosty.

Lonely at 3am and scrolling endlessly on my phone. Doom scrolling. Anxiety farming. Then a picture of a coworker with their family for the holiday and damn they are stunning. Like not just horny on main but holy smokes a She's All That moment. And with all sincerity I want to say  "You look really nice" but we are separated by physical miles and digital barriers. MY family will see it. Other coworkers will see it. Say it when you next see her, right. Be brave and kind and sincere then! It will surely not be creepy.

Hot takes on Twitter. Turkey is great, actually! Rogue One is the best Star Wars movie! Eat a dick, Ted Cruz! Someone please @ me. I'm screaming into a void.

Fuck it, I WILL eat some more pie! I will buy the gem pack on Arena! I will have another drink. These will likely kill me in real life.

Hustling about laptops at work. This one is too big. I need all the cords before I take the new one. This is such a hassle to come in

Can someone say thank you?! Please? Before any goodwill becomes antipathy and a brewing glee to see your comeuppance?

Enjoy Your Own Thanksgiving

 Folks, I am excited for the cancelled holidays. We have such short memories but every year its the same recycled takes. 

"Who wants to travel for Thanksgiving?"

"I do not want to see my racist uncle. I don't want to have to explain why I am not yet married. Why I don't have kids. While I still rent. Etc, etc" 

"I do not have the time to clean and host 15 something people in my place!"

"I DO NOT want to talk politics with my family. Someone will turn on the news and then, shit, well there is my racist uncle"

 Lovely glossy magazines and well photographed listicles will tempt us every year with new dishes to try when we are supremely sit in the same plates each and every year. We will bemoan early sales that take away from the "spirit" of the holiday and justify why its OK those folks at WalMart are there at 5pm. "Hey, they give them dinner there! They got TWO Thanksgivings"

There will be stern twitter warning from folks more woke than us saying to consider not everyone has a loving family and to be sensitive of those people who cannot (or should not) see their families. "My family told me to never come back when I said I was trans. So, fuck them. I never did" 

However, in the inverted year of 2020 now everyone believes it is not just their right but THEIR DUTY to see everyone they can. Those cousins three times removed who live in Billing, MT? Oh, we NEED to be able to lick their damn eyeballs. It is my right!

No better way to entice someone then tell them they can't have it. Every parent knows this. Every school teacher. I once knew a teacher who would cover up a bookshelf in a blanket at the beginning of the year. And the kids would freak the fuck out. 

"Ms, Iorio! Ms. Iorio, WHAT IS UNDER THE BLANKET!?"

"You will have to wait and see!"

And those kids poked and scooted closer to it until it was revealed it was just books! Ready for one we mastered the earlier texts.

But when leadership doesn't back these appeals to common decency and the social contract with consequences then we get the eye ball licking. Folks sneering as they pour over a Norman Rockwell spread tinted by pandemic undertones. Let us the Instagram filter of Biohazard. Smile, everyone!

Blame capitalism. Blame the perversion of American conservatism from a sort of rugged individualism to a perpetual state of sorrow. Blame China. Blame the Karens and Chads. This is nuanced for sure and our hyper polarized world does not allow for that. So, pick your poison and hopefully stay home.

I will and relish a Thanksgiving spent with my nuclear family and no people I need to pretend to enjoy.

The True Self

I'm a neurotic sort. In my lifetime its become quite popular  to self diagnose as "My OCD!" or "all the anxiety" and I was not immune to this trend. Albeit, I dont feel I played it for anything of significant gain. Just how I have always been. 

My mother always had us three hours early to the airport. Just in case. This was before the security theater of post 9/11 when you could walk to the gates. Eat miniature hash browns at the cafe by the American Airlines terminal at SJU with all the time. That treat felt so decadent and foreign to my palate. Why only at the airport? I was only an adult when I realized it was to please tourists used to fast food style hash browns. Which are still quite delicious so I understand.

I once took a business trip to Atlanta. Didn't see much but I traveled with a colleague who also wanted to get to the airport early and I felt so relieved. Here is someone who understood me and to whom it could be myself even in the awkward personal/professional event horizon of a business trip.

Still on airports never did my stomach sink so low when my girlfriend said "I forgot my ID" while we were three people away from the check in at JFK. This after a 6 hour bus ride from upstate and a brief lunch with her aunt in Manhattan and then a subway ride to the train. This WAS post 9/11 and here was the entire trip about to be rendered asunder. I was my true self and freaked out. Snapped at her and kicked off one of those gritted teeth arguments in public where concerned strangers  get a "No, everything is ok. We swear! Oh, lovely shirt you got there by the way..."

She dug through her backpack fumbling for a driver's license she never planned on using while I raced through the dread of telling everyone we weren't coming. And finding a place while we planned on returning upstate.

She found it. Deep and buried below triple folder clothes and a box of dog treats. "What are those for?" I asked. 

"For your dog back home. To introduce myself" she said with deep gun metal blue dagger eyes.  We made the trip and about four months later broke up. We had dated for nine months but it felt like nine years when all was finalized. We both found people more tolerant of our true selves.