Three Words

Here are three more random words and something I whipped up about them.

"You need to watch out for grown adult that wear animal print as part of their everyday outfits." Jefferson (Do not call him Jeff) said this while shuffling out another Maverick from his pack. I lit it for him using the Bic I stole from the gas station, a simple blue one. 

"Unless it's supposed to be funny or they are planning to get lucky, any one that wears tiger print or zebra stripes or faux fur as their everyday is bad news"

"Peg Bundy wore animal print." I said. Jefferson was about two years older than me and I remember him saying he liked Modern Family so I think he'll get the reference. 

"Yeah, that is a TV character. You know anyone who wears animal print everyday?"

I could not. I did seem a a choice that was quite intentional. You can throw one a pair of jeans and maybe look nice but animal print, that says something. 

"I once dated a girl, " I said. "That the first time we...you know...she had tiger print underwear on. That was something."

Jefferson let the smoke from his cigarette linger in the cab of the truck and fiddled with the vent knows on the air conditioner. "You think she did that on purpose?"

I looked away beacuse I could feel myself get red. Do 37 year olds blush? Should they. I wanted to say that yes it was possible she took one look at me and decided that yes, these were the ones. But, I had to be honest. "No, I think it was random."

"Was she a hard body?"

"It was in college. I liked her. I guess, yes"

Jefferson finished his smoke and smashed the butt into his gloved hand. He then jumbled the butt and ashes into his pocket and fiddled more with the blowers. 

"Good for you. What are other adults we should avoid? Children are exempt as they know no better."

I look out the trucky cab and it's an empty Menards parking lot. We are waiting for it to open. "People whose whole personality is sports betting!"

Jefferson chuckles. "Sportsball"

"People really into World War 2 battles!"

He nods. "I've always been leery of guys that tuck their t-shirts in."

That was a sing of old heads at work. Why they tuckers their t-shirts in was lost on me. The custodian in my high school did that. I remember his grey t-shirt tucked into stiff blue Wrangler jeans and black Doc Marten boots. He was very odd and, once, in a rare bit of sincerity our senior year homeroom teacher, Mrs Alvarez, mumbled that "The sports page doesn't read itself" when asked where wad Mr. Masato.

"Guys will say it's to show respect," I say hald heartedly. "Watch out and they'll tuck in zebra strip t shirts pretty soon."

This got a decent laugh and became part of repertoire as we waited every morning for the stores to open.

Music Wrapped

At the the end of the year we seem split between people sharing their Spotify wrapped and those screaming to "Please Stop." Those people are also equivalent to "No one cares."

I did not have a Spotify wrapped as I use free You Tube music. You Tube was the place for me to get music for early adulthood because my preferred music was original scores from dubbed anime or the intro bumper for a TV show or scene from a movie. This was the era of the animated music video (AMV) and often that was the way to hear a song. I watched a mash up of the Halo 2 trailer because it was overlayed with audio from Serenity and the specific cinematic scene where the fly through the enemy fleet to drop on the forbidden planet. At one point, if I wanted to listen to Limp Bizkit's "My Generation," then I would need to bring up an AMV of Naruto clips.* So, I stayed loyal to YouTube which then spun off YouTube music which is just Spotify save it is red. It also has a wrapped function and all the API geegaws to share to the world. Unlike social media, where everything is thrust unto you, my guess is you come to the blog by choice. I scanned through the "Favorites" tiles on the music app and thought to put a narrative to some it.

Note: YouTube has an embed feature in its Share functionality that is just a string of HTML code. Blogger seems to hate this now as pasting it just renders the code verbatim. I need to tinker more but, for this post, I used the "link video" feature from Blogger.**

Across the Spider-Verse (Start a Band) by Daniel Pemberton

This is my most played/listened too song in 2023. If you have read this blog then you know I am sucker for things that feel "cinematic" and often set my everyday mundane everyday to these beats. My current job has me in a cube all day so how I get through the day is 1) The cinematic music 2)Energy drinks***and 3) Anxiety. I peel into and out of the garage playing these.

No surprise that this is my most played song considering I gushed about the original movie and also all the aforementioned. This jam, which starts ominous and then crescendos into the drums and synth rips, makes me both want to save the day and also be saved. Its my new Disintegration in terms of day dreaming about sword wielding cyber heroines. 

The whole album is full of bangers. "My Name is...Miles Morales" and "All Stations Stop Spider-Man" and "Spiderwoman" are amazing. FWIW, I think this movie is BETTER than the first albeit the first feels much more personal. Second one is also a bit too long.

Salam 1996 by Groove Dealers

This song reminds me of a friend who sends me esoteric jams (oddly via Spotify links) then I then copy and paste into the old big red You Tube. Between him and satellite radio**** is how I learn about any "new" music, which really is just older songs first heard. This is a hard pivot from the other jams here as its beat box gangsta rap.

False God by Taylor Swift

My new job has me leading client calls. Sometimes on a weekly basis as I keep them abreast on what we are, hopefully, doing for them. This is anathema for someone who has weaponized introversion and also struggles to express themselves orally. Mariah Carey was in town recently and my client mentioned how she was going. I mentioned how that must be fun and, fun story, I worked previously with someone who went to two separate Eras tours concerts and how this was both an amazing flex and also object of envy. This was all over a Teams call but the energy in that digital room brightened and all tension left the meeting "I did not know you are a Swiftie," us what the client said and I mentioned how yes I unironically enjoy her work.  False God is where I go to for both something I truly like (its the sax!) and also a somewhat non single deep cut. 

La Jumpa by Arcangel and Bad Bunny

As a Puerto Rican living in the 2020s I am contractually obligated to like Bad Bunny. I also am contractually obligate to be loud when I do talk. And, yeah I do like the guy. I could not imagine liking both reggaeton and mumble core rape as a younger man. I was firmly into my bleep bloop music. But, these cats do it and it really feels like magic. Saying "Luka, step back, la jumpa" feels like it should summon something infinetly powerful. 

Lights (BassNectar Remix)-Ellie Goulding and Bassnectar

My wife once listened to this song and said "This is a very you song." If you do listen to it then its a audible mashup of everything on the blog. Enjoy!

*I have never seen Naruto save for this video. And yes, I unironically enjoyed Limp Bizkit even walking about 2 miles to the local record store to buy Chocolate Starfish and Hot Dog Flavored Water.

** I have few actual regrets that haunt me. They are 1)Not going into computer science 2)Similarly, not getting into education sooner (maybe even teaching!) and 3) Letting my kids watch YouTube. I know, ironic. Not a screen free parent (have you read this blog? I was raised by TV) but can't stand the always on Gen Alpha screeching. 

***The best is Ghost. I can't stand Bang. Monster is the baseline (The tap water of energy drinks). I drink Celsius when I want to impress someone. 

****It came with my car and I thought it was amazing and now I don't know how to cancel! Every time I call they just make it cheaper.

Letters of Recommendation

Serena from three jobs ago emailed and asked for a job recommendation. My wife commented on how odd this was "That was ten years ago. She doesn't have anyone else she can ask?"

My ego deflated I said how I felt it was nice but when I did last see Serena she was too young to rent a car and I was just a few years out from being able to.

But, I had to complete this mission, out of not just professionalism, but also lingering attachment to work friends seperat3d by decades.

The recommendation form came via email link and the blinking cursor asked me to use this space to "say anything else you would like to share about 'candidate'". This wad after a series of radial questions gaming on a 1 to 7 (yes, seven) scale where 1 was "call the police" and 7 was "exemplary" It was all sevens with a few sixes to add some acceptable variance.

Here is what I wrote, unbound by any character limits

"You need to hire Serena! If you don't then I assume you must be interviewing an honest to God superhero in the other room. I could ask her to do anything and not only would she crush it but she would find ways to do it better. Remember, we worked a hybrid job split between a warehouse and office. She could be on the phone chatting with a client and then, five minutes later, be helping unload a truck beacuse it showed up when all the dock guys are at lunch. Serena had an amazing, almost uncanny, ability to learn discovering product nuances just from vibes. Clients loved her and our interns found her an ersatz young professional guru/mom. We are lucky she has dedicated her mind, body, and soul to helping humanity beacuse she could conquer the world. If that were to happen, I hope she would spare me since I hired her in first place and wrote this letter so yall can hire her to! Best regards!"

I never learned if she got the job

Return to Form

 It was always via text. Sometimes just a regular SMS. Sometimes over varying messenger apps (Facebook, Slack, Teams, Instagram chats, etc.) but it was always "I am writing something. Give me three things."

And it was random...1) Waterparks 2) Cheese wheels 3) Purple

1) Bocce 2) Celery Stalks 3) Macaroni and Cheese

1) Chocolate cake 2) Legs  3) Sunny days

So I fired up the random word generator and got these

No job seems immune to the constrained digital windows of the work all staff (or hands if your place is fancy) meeting. Regardless of how large the group there always seem to be a mix of people

• Muted and with cameras off
• Inversely, people firmly heard and seen with everything (every pin prick it seems) captured
• Deflated workers staring into the screen but always darting eyes to the all other work they are actually doing
• Overly eager people way too into it. These people are either new or the very rare overly sincere unicorn that actually get something from these.

The proportion varies depending on company morale but, something seemingly uniform across industries, is some sort of kickoff ice breaker or question.

"What is one word that people would use to describe your personality. Please keep it positive!"

In these situations, I really do try my best albeit my word is likely "Self loathing." Or "high functioning depression"

Sorry, those are two words. Can I go again? 

But, I try to put on an engaged face. Mostly out of respect for the presenters (Extra support if it is someone asked to be a moderator. Not some consultant or professional development pro but the team lead three cubes across from you. Or the department manager a few seats below VP levels) but sometimes ill get queued up for a joke and everyone will politely chuckle and that hit of dopamine is all worth it. 

What really sucks the air out of the phony digital room is the slithering personality that wants to use the whole forum to sling mud. This is a sign of a toxic workplace but someone will take the chance to tell everyone off in a passive aggressive matter.

Precursors to this (Seriously, if you hear these then just sink in your seat or throw your computer out the window) are

• "I am just saying...."
• "I don't see color...."
• "All lives matter..."
• "I am going to say what everyone else is thinking..."
• "Fuck!"

Actually, the last can be good "Fuck! Guys, I did not think you would remember my birthday! I don't want to take too much time from AJ's presentation, but thanks everyone!"

But, I do not have the personality to thrive in these meetings. I'm just quiet trying to get to the end of the meeting so that I can go home. 

Boat Story

Help! I've been sucked into Below Deck (all the versions and umpteen seasons) and cannot escape.*

Through the power of my imagination I am now in the show tapped into the crew of the motor super yacht Synergy!

The produc...err...I mean guests have asked us to put on a talent show for them on the second night of charter. 

What will I do? Not blessed by any musical acumen or particularly good looks I would tell them an amusing anecdote...

I briefly lived in a small central New York town in the mid 00s. It was the biggest town for about 15 miles in any direction but even then it just had one gas station and yet two video rental stores. Also one of those towns that basically stopped on Sundays. Not out of any sense of piety but just due to sheer ennui. There wasn't anything else to talk about or do by Saturday night. So, the whole village of 1500 people or so just need a reset. Only things open were the coffee shop, the laundromat, and the dollar store. 

At the time I wad dating my then girlfriend, now wife, and our  dating anniversary rolled around late February. 

I am horrible gift giver. I had something but it took everything I had not just to give it to her the moment I bought it.

"HERE! LOVE ME!"

I then was filled with doubt as the piece of sterling silver jewelry from the local 10000 Villages store was likely not enough for an anniversary. I'll make her something! A cake! White cake with white frosting, her favorite.

It being Sunday meant only store open was the dollar store. It had cake mix but only yellow and frosting but only chocolate. That's fine. It's still cake! When I got back to my apartment I realized I had no eggs, which Duncan Hines told me was key to said cake. There was no options for eggs beyond ask a neighbor  (truly terrifying as a millenial) or walk a mile in the winter chill to the gas station over the village line, which, maybe had eggs.

So, fuck it, I just used extra vegetable oil. Same difference, right? It's yellow and full of fat. 

The cake baked up in a quivering yet still solid mass. It was likely a fire hazard, ready to blaze with even an errant spark. It was heavy, just full of oil and suffocated flour. "Like biting into a pimple," is what my girlfriend described it as. As a child, my mother would give baby oil to drip over our backyard aluminum slide and then wax paper to sit on while we slide. 

We were human torpedoes. I imagine this cake could drip out a good run if pressed to top of the key

Oil cake then became a short hand for horrible food in our relationship.

Rascal House Pizza? Oil cake!

The white bread, lettuce and mustard sandwiches our son makes? Oil cake!

Let them eat oil cake and either die (I'm addition to being horrible to eat it was even more horrible for you than cake!) or slip away free off friction

*Fwiw my dream crew

Captain: Glenn! (Such a nice guy!)

Bosun/First Mate: Eddie! (A bit basic but solid)

Head Stew: Daisy! (My wild Irish rose!)

Chef: Marcos! (Everything is a banger!)

Stew 1: Ross (I have him here as a stew but i know he was chief for a season. Mr. Olander!)

Stew 2: Scarlett! (Real shame we only got her for like three episodes)

Deck hand 1: Tony! (He can fire dance and loves getting up early)

Deck hand 2: Lara! (I love the way she says her name "Laaaaa---RAH!" and she fills the obligatory having someone from South Africa on the boat

Location: Caribbean 

Interlude

My father passed away when I was very young. It was the worst kept secret. My mother did home hospice so by end it was a frozen person surrounded by the hurly burly of well wishers. The window AC in my parents room, where he died, did not stop for two years until that night. The room had ivory inlay tiles that must have crackled when the chill ended and everything returned to to the tropical stifle. 

I wasn't there but I knew the moment. My mother came into my room and hugged me, rubbing down my back and arms with her hands. All of this was silent, a very intimate pantomime. We have never talked about it.

Since then I have always imagines this is what death must feel like. You are alone and ethereal bony arms pull you down deeper and deeper into and endless maw.  Your body shrinks to a naked pinprick and the arms swirl unto each other and end their labor. None of this is terrifying but instead quite mellow and matter of fact. It's the feeling of being stuck in traffic and realizing you are not going anywhere so might as well lay back. 

I write all this beacuse I have felt myself recently trying to fill a void, that naked pinprick, with something, anything. I'll watch endless reels and online memes sharing them to friends of varying tiers. Even three warehouse intern from two jobs ago. "Isn't this funny...err...Sean? Fuck, I only know your screename." I have so many people I miss and dwell on the opportunities missed to say I appreciate you, I love you, thank you.

I'll have two Xmas beers and I'm spinning on the couch after kids are in bed. My 40 year old metabolism does not play well with self medicating with alcohol. It's hell on my A1C but three drinks and I'll call all those aforementioned people I missed. "Yo, what the fuck up?!"

A friend in Colorado sent a box full of gummies so I'll cut rhe edge with THC and CDB and other alphabet soup solutions. 

I feel incredible, for only ten minutes however, after an energy drink. A white Monster or Oramge Creamsicle Ghost is instant win in a can. I'll sometimes be classy and sip the "healthier" ones like Celsius in the slim cans made to look like something more appropriate on a beach than the office.

It sucks to, get ready for a euphemism here, fantasize anymore. Purely for the brief dopamine that takes the edge off.

Four Ibuprofen, black coffee and a can of fizzy water is the "Do you ever think about dying?" potion. Medicated caffeinated sparkling waters? I am a man limited by means and not my ideas.