Showing posts with label PR. Show all posts
Showing posts with label PR. Show all posts

Friday, December 19, 2008

PR Watch...¡Si!

Let's talk jungle cats.

Introducing a new function here on the FOTBP called PR Watch...¡Si!


Readers of the older and now defunct Blog of Plenty might remember my occasional observations on the wackiness back home in Puerto Rico. Actually, wackiness is a poor word choice since my blogs posts focused on things like the island going broke (hence, creating a sales tax for the first time) or one of the umpteen school strikes at the U of PR where some students actually held self-taught classes in the street while other students (in charge of the strike) tried to stop the DIY classes. Learning bad! Screaming good!

Those are serious subjects that scholars both external and internal have spent much time analyzing. What the hell is the FOTBP going to do add to those discussions?

My new feature is in the same light, but some real wackiness. On an island where you can ask for French fries with your Chinese food (Oh, hell yes, you better add them to my order) there has to be something wacky. On an island where there is a brand of doughnuts you can only buy from street vendors at red lights, there has to be something crazy. On an island where you could have your car washed by a guy with a little hot dog cart full of water and soap at the mall parking lot while you shopped, there must be something for the blog. There are jungle cats! HOOOOO!

Quick history lesson. There are no big cats native to Puerto Rico just as there are no native mammals. This is pretty common for small islands that were geographically isolated from larger mainlands. As serendipitous it was for a lizard or bird to awash on the island's shores, it would be even rarer for a panther to show up rafting in on some driftwood from Florida.

But a panther indeed now stalks the island. Or at least, authorities believe it is a panther. Did I mention it will help a lot if you read/speak Spanish? If not, you are going to have to trust me, but, go ahead, read those stories up on the blog. You think I could make this stuff up?

This story broke in mid November, but people in and around the western edge of San Juan have begun to report seeing a "black panther." A lady reported a dead sheep on the day after Thanksgiving to the PR version of the Interior Department, the Department Of Natural Resources and the Environment or DRNA by its Spanish acronym. The attacks were happening around a neighborhood called Caimito, which is heavily wooded and hilly. Caimito then abuts into a posh gated community called Montehiedra that then neighbors a small mall by the same name. In fact, my childhood home was in the neighborhood right next to all of this albeit cut off by a four lane highway. The whole area is iconic of the concrete mushrooming that represents over development, sprawl, and fragmented ecosystems in Puerto Rico. So there could be a panther around my old house. Or not.



No one seems to be able to find the big cat. Just like the Chupacabra, the Panther of Caimito leaves behind a trail of dead animals and flustered citizens. This report from one of the main TV stations in PR says that the thing ate a horse. A horse! But then a later report in the main PR daily paper says that no one has confirmed a dead horse. People have reported losing chickens, cats, and dogs, but the only confirmed victim has been that Thanksgiving sheep. Apparently its name was "Fugaz" Fugaz? I have no idea what that means. "Fuga" means a get away or escape. Escaperz, maybe?

Maybe it is a panther? Or a jaguar? A puma? Or nothing. One man in the Montehidera neighborhood reported that the saw the thing by his pool and that is was about the size of a German Shepherd and dark colored. One lady in this article says how she sleeps with the window open so she can keep an eye out for the cat. Great plan lady.

The DRNA dispatched teams to hunt the animal down and even the director took the hillsides with a machete. I wonder if he wore a pith helmet as well? Someone said they saw a tree with claw marks etched into the base of the trunk. HOLY SHIT! DRNA agents said they heard weird noises while searching, something that residents in the area have also reported. DAMN! With no leads and just one dead animal, the panther trail grows colder by the day and the DRNA has scaled back the search teams to a skeleton crew. If the thing does exist, then the authorities do have a lead and are ready to seek a warrant to search the reputed owner's house. But it still might not exist. How can you have a Plan B without a Plan A? There might be a guy out there with a missing big cat, but THE big cat does not exist. Shouldn't we be terrified of that other big cat?!

I also love how the article mentions a Panther Party tonight organized through Facebook. Reminds me of the Chupacabra hunting parties the mayor of Canovanas, the municipality plagued by the bloodsucking bastard, organized in the mid 90s. Except with beer.

If it is wacky and from PR, you will find it here. Peace!




















Tuesday, June 24, 2008

¡Ay Perdon!

Hey, a little slice of piece for you. In memory of George Carlin and in the spirit of many stand up comedians that can laugh at themselves, here is an awkward anecdote that happened to me yesterday...

How I do love Mexican food! Well, Tex-Mex food since I have never had the luxury of eating in Southern California, Texas, or Mexico proper. One day I will, but, again, how I do love Mexican food.

But we are in Ohio*, whose main culinary export seems to be chili. Chili from Cincinnati, which is pretty much Kentucky. But chili originates in the Southwest, so there is hope for jammin' Mexican food in Ohio.

I usually make an ass out of myself at Mexican restaurants. Not in the "We are taking Grandma Esther to have her first ever taco!" awkward or "This isn't as good as Taco Bell" horrible, mind you. My horror comes from something that you would imagine actually makes the process smoother.

I am a native Spanish speaker. Puerto Rican Spanish, of course, but Spanish nonetheless. I can say jalapeño with the necessary nasal uptick of the ñ character. I don't pronounce it to rhyme with "we know" or "hero." And I can salsa with the emphasis on the first syllable, almost coming out to sound like salt and not like some big Italian guy.

I don't look like I speak Spanish. I look like I am actually from Ohio. Somewhere in the middle of the state like Wooster, OH. Sometimes I notice that the waiters are caught off guard by this. My sister, who name drops her Puerto Ricaness like a job reference. will then bust into full Spanish. This somehow makes the entire experience more authentic.

I never bust into Spanish. There is no guarantee that that waiter or waitress speaks Spanish. They could be the Mexican-American equivalent of me!

"Well, I was raised in Mexico City**, but I do sound like am from Minong, Wisconsion, don't I!? Now, do you want those margaritas on the rocks?"

Or we could begin to switch a round of "que?" since the server would speak Mexican Spanish and I have my own Spanish. I say habichuelas, he says frijoles, and everyone else says beans.

The Spanish does break out and here is where I look stupid. Like the rolling "r's" you practice in Spanish clash, the languages sometimes rolls off my tongue and into pretentious prick land.

So when Amanda and I ordered some desert and I said, Can I have some sopapillas, por favor," my immediate reaction was to crawl under the brightly colored table in the shape of a sun.

The waiter must have thought I was saying that to be smart. How many times must the servers of Mexican resturants have an "hola," or "si," or "por favor," thrown at them by people whose limits of Spanish end at those words? I was just trying to say sopapillas right, becuase, you know, that is how it is actually said! I wasn't trying to be cute or coy.

When we got out deserts, the waiter handed me the fried dough drenched in honey and chocolate with a quick "Here is your desert, señor."

Ack! A señor!? Did he play along to placate me? Like I somehow did well in my Intro to Spanish class and required gratification. Plunge a knife into my heart because I hate looking stupid in front of my favorite ethnic food.

I need to up the Wooster, OH act.

Peace!






*Of course, I am new to the state. Maybe lovely readers will educate me with famous Ohio eats.

Friday, April 18, 2008

Bilingual

Here is a little fiction piece I have dug up from the archives. The actual move data approaches fast and I will lose stable Internet connection by this weekend. So, now I have a real excuse for not blogging!

I will try to get one more piece out before that. I have all these ideas in my head about our exodus from Ithaca. I will have a good post with all the things I will miss. For example I got my last hair cut ever at the Cornell Barbershop today and I will sure miss that barber shop with the mounted fish next to the peace signs. It was a microcosm of the weird urban/rural divide that defines Tompkins County. Oh, and my barber would often segue into seeing naked girls down at the gorges. 100+ years in that little basement and still going strong.

And we will have an angry post. What is all this nonsense about a dog park?! The 9-11 conspiracy guy!? Unsynchronized lights?! Angry hippies?!

And we will have a post in defense of an institution that is often mocked, but critical to the daily debate in I-Town. And it's not Cornell!

Until then enjoy this story, which is about PR. Again.

_____________________

El Flamboyan Arde

By Garik Charneco

A hairy hand reached into the back seat of the car, in between the faded leather front seats, and snatched the book from Paco’s own grasp. “Que tu lees,” the father asked, holding the book to the Caribbean radiance that poured through the open window of the old, boxy Volvo station wagon. Sunlight shimmered off the foil decorated letters and highly-stylized star fighters on the cover. The father snorted and balanced the book over the cracked vinyl of the steering wheel. He took a sharp curve that took him off the main avenue and into one of the streets of the Trastalleres barrio. He barely missed a three legged dog that lay in the accumulated dust of the street gutter. Paco’s mother reached over and grabbed the steering wheel, guiding the car back to the center of the street while the three-legged dog hobbled over to the shade provided by the plastic waffle cone of the abandoned Tasty-Freeze.

“Be careful, Hector. You just almost hit that poor dog.” Mariela looked out the window and saw the dog sprawl on the warm concrete under the order window. “Poor thing.”

Hector dropped the book into his wife’s lap. He reached down, underneath his seat, and pulled an out opened can of Medalla beer. He finished off the drink, crushed the can against the door and tossed it into the back seat. The can clinked against the empty shells of the rest of the six pack he bought at the gas station in Ponce. “Don’t worry about that dog. Worry about your hijo.” Hector pointed at his wife’s crotch and the book nestled in between her legs. “Reading that shit. Will that make him a hombre?”

Mariela took her own look at the book and shrugged. “He is only nine, Hector. It’ll help him learn English.”

Ingles? Why should he care about that? He doesn’t need that”

Mariela handed the book back to Paco, who grabbed it hesitantly and with a keen eye on his father. “Here you are, mi amor,” she said to Paco and then turned to look at her husband. “Well, it would be more than you know.”

Hector cleared his throat and took the next turn gentle. “He doesn’t need that.” Hector turned his entire head backwards and met Paco’s eyes. “Look out there and you’ll see what you have to learn.”

Paco just wanted his book back. The novel was just getting good and a gigantic space slugging match, complete with armored mechs, was brewing in the next chapter. His father no longer looked at him, but Paco still felt the urge to obey. He peered through the window.

Outside, it was 2:47pm. Groups of girls in powder yellow polo shirts and black-yellow plaid skirts grouped around, but each one still on their cell phone. Younger boys tried to slap each other with the flat seed pods of the playground’s flamboyan, which rippled in burst of green leaflets and grapefruit flesh colored blossoms. A cloud of dust emanated in the background, coming from the cinder block factory. Two older boys played basketball on the public court, where the backboard had two holes in it and the rim was without a net. The car slowed down and idled in front of the bodega, where old men in sky blue linen shirts, grimy trucker hats, and freshly ironed slacks played dominos, surrounded by green, frosted bottles of beer. Hector held his elbow out the car door and motioned to the men with his driving hand.

One of the men, his skin coffee-ground dark and his beard whiskers an off-white, held up his own coated beer and saluted the passing car.

Hector laughed and then honked the horn, scaring a flock of pigeons that fed on the brown sugar left out by the neighborhood kids. “Now, that is what I am talking about. Real guys just sitting, enjoying an early afternoon beer. You don’t need any English or books for that.”

Paco was about to open the book, but his father’s words cut through. Paco pressed his bookmark into the book’s spine and slid down his seat to the pile of trash in the bottom of the seat.

Hector goosed the car up the streets; a patchwork of cobblestone, old railcar tracks, cobblestones, and cement. “Anyway, we are almost at Vivi’s house. No need for more reading.”

* * *

The floorboards at Vivi’s were recently painted and free of the wooden slivers from Paco’s last visit to Mayaguez. Paco preferred the new, smooth floor to his great-aunt Vivi’s plastic-lined couches, but then he heard the rasping from underneath the house.

Vivi came out from the kitchen in the back of her two room house, holding a tray of deep fried plantains with the golden bananas clustered around a saucer of Puerto Rican special sauce. Vivi set the platter down on her mahogany coffee table next to a crowd of porcelain elephants, sad clowns, and cherubs. Vivi wore a charcoal gray dress with white trims along the arm holes. The dress reminded Paco of the burlap sacks of chicken feed Tio Felix kept for the cock-fighting roosters. The dress hung baggy over her bent 82 year old frame and exposed flabby pieces of skin, dangling from her under arms and calves. She was not fat, just wrinkle by enough time to make her appear swollen and unwieldy. She sat down and the sound of plastic scrunching against vinyl, drowned out her long sigh. She pointed to the plantains. “Made those just for your trip. When was the last time you cam from San Juan?”

Hector scooped out dollops of the mayonnaise and ketchup mixture with one of the flaccid plantains. Mariela looked at her husband with eyes that came together at the bridge of her nose and trembled with emotion. The eyes seemed to say, ‘Get that damn banana out of your mouth and look at my great aunt,’ but the message was lost on Hector

Mariela turned away from Hector, shaking her head so that the crop of her hair swayed over her forehead. “Too long, titi Vivi. I think it has been five months.” She looked back at Hector, seeking an answer, while he wiped his mouth with an embroidered kerchief. “Isn’t that right, Hector? Five months, no?

He stretched out in the chair, spreading his legs so his kneecaps looked like they would erupt from his jeans. “Yeah, five months or something like that.” He motioned to the kitchen, seeing straight through the curtain of wooden beads Vivi used for a door. “Got anything to drink, Vivi? It was quite the drive. There was some protest at the oil refinery down in Ponce. Had to stop while it quieted down.”

Vivi mentioned she might have some beer and got up to check. “And I’ll get a soda for Paco. Picked up some Kola Champagne at Franco’s when I bought the yemitas for Catalina’s christening.” The soft skid of Vivi’s worn slippers lingered in the air, even after she had slipped through the beaded curtain. When Mariela heard the sharp shuck of the refrigerator door, she threw Hector another glare. Paco didn’t see his mother’s lips move, but watched her Roman nose wriggle, the chestnuts irises of her eyes flicker in quick saccades and lips protrude. She spoke to Hector in the secret Puerto Rican facial tic language that Paco had not yet picked up. He knew the gist of the conversation, but only because his father had been in this situation so often, lying and searching for one more beer. There was anger, annoyance, and a bit of frustration.

Vivi came back from the kitchen holding two cans, one colorfully red and the other decorated with golden sprigs of wheat. Paco accepted the Kola Champagne and drank the sugary dark proto-soda while still clinging to his mother’s side. The sweat from his legs stuck to the plastic. Vivi looked at him and asked why he was on the couch. “Weren’t you all about the floor, hijo? I just had it smoothed. No more splinters.”

Paco looked down at a big, clustered knot in the wood. He heard the soft, but continuous, pitter-patter of feet. Sometimes he heard the clink of metal and soft breaths. Didn’t the adults hear it? Paco imagined that maybe El Cuco, the legendary baby-stealing Caribbean boogey man, had moved under Vivi’s house. Or maybe the Chupacabra, who his third-paternal cousin, Ruben, swore he’d saw outside the outlet mall in Canovanas. Paco cuddled next to his mother, reaching deep into a slight roll of fat on Mariela’s side, for security. He wondered whether the blood-hungry, red-eyed beast had made the 90 mile journey from the rainforest, just to move under Vivi’s house and torment him.

Hector noticed his son, burrowing himself back into his mother. He set down his beer and looked at Paco. “What is wrong with you? Que te pasa?

Paco nuzzled into Mariela, feeling the slight tickle of a few raised liver spots through the cotton of her blouse. He didn’t glance at his father, but kept an eye on the floor, staring at the same, knotted swirl in the floorboard.

Hector tapped his heel against the floor. “You afraid of the floor! But c’mon, I has no more slivers. What is so bad about it, now?” He started to chuckle.

Paco clambered deeper against his mother and the skin on his legs squeaked and slipped against the couch’s plastic lining. “Leave him alone, Hector,” Mariela said before she heard the soft whine come from under her feet.

There was a gurgling sound, from when Hector stopped sipping at his beer. He leaned forward, tilting his head so his ear pointed to the floor. “What was that?”

Vivi turned around in her chair, her old hips still showing some speed, and grabbed a wooden broom handle that leaned against the wall. She slammed the floor boards with the broom handle, keeping a steady rhythm with her feet and calling out a roster of saint’s name. “Madre de Dios!” She looked up at Hector, as if asking for help. “This damn dog!” She put her head down and screamed at the floor, “Mira! Pee-wee, shut up !”

The whine stopped but Paco still heard the soft rattle of metal on metal. Mariela brushed her son’s head, whispering soft cooing noises to him, like the sounds mourning doves make. She whispered, “Mi amor,” before kissing Paco’s forehead and turning her gaze to Vivi. “Pee-Wee? Calixto’s dog?”

Hector grumbled and finished his beer. Paco perked up at the mention of his first maternal cousin, the artist who left the tin-roofs and pouring rain spouts of Mayaguez for the gallery scene in old San Juan. Vivi put the broomstick back against the wall. “The one and only,” she answered while balancing the rounded tip of the broom handle into one of the grooves in the wall.

Hector brought his legs together and put his arms against his side. He lost the casual, ‘give me another’ beer attitude and assumed an air of responsibility. Even in his blue jeans and white t-shirt he appeared fatherly by just sitting there in Vivi’s arm chair that had survived the hurricane George floods. “Why didn’t he just take that dog with him to old San Juan?” Mariela tried to quiet him, but Hector continued. “No, I am just saying that it is just him and that Ricardo guy in that apartment. With a rooftop apartment there is enough room for that dog. He keeps all those damn trees there.”

Paco crawled out from his mother’s side. “The ceibas trees,” he said, correcting his father.

Hector laughed and reached over for another fried plantain. He opened his legs again and shook the piece of fried fruit at Vivi while he spoke. “Mira, that is his cousin talking. You had to see what Paco was reading on the way here. Vivi. Some mierda with lasers, aliens and all that. I tell you, that is Calixto.”

Mariela jumped into the conversation. “Well, anyway, what is wrong with Pee-Wee?”

Vivi struggled to pick who to answer. She looked at Hector and Mariela in short glances before deciding. “I don’t know what is wrong with the dog. Your sister sent him over about a month ago and he had these horrible shakes and all this liquid, almost like pus, coming from his nose and, oh, was it horrible. I got some of the neighborhood boys to tie him down there, under the house, because he just spent all day shaking and whining.”

“Why would Luisa send the dog here,” asked Mariela while she petted Paco’s head, wondering if this was too much.

“He is a biter. He tried to bite Gabriel.” Vivi crossed her arms across her chest and the sacks of skin under her forearms jiggled. “You know how your cousin is always dropping off her kids at Luisa’s. It was bound for the dog to try and bite the baby one day. So they sent him over to me because you know how I am with animals.” She smiled and showed a mouth with one missing tooth and another colored completely black. Paco remembered the family stories of Vivi and all the strays she took in. The roosters with only one eye that she saved after the cock fights and the guinea-fowl she sheltered from hungry neighbors. Mariela returned the smile, but then Vivi hung her head low. “But I do not know what is wrong with Pee-Wee. Calixto is here for the weekend. I think he is going to take the dog to the vet school at the university and well,” she glanced at Paco, hesitating and cautious. “Well, so they can take a look at him.”

Everyone seemed content in the lie and Hector only grumbled about Calixto in Mayaguez. “What is he doing in town?” He glared at Mariela and Paco, asking in the same face code language, ‘Was it one of you?’

“He has an exhibition at the university. Just a few paintings.” Vivi got up from the chair and shuffled back to the kitchen. “Now, you must be hungry. I made this asopao really quick, so it’s a bit watery but the rice is still good.” From inside the kitchen, the noise of pot lids and bubbling stew wafted into the living room.

* * *

Vivi had a TV, a huge one, but no cable. She used it to watch the local news and to hold her collection of porcelain Buddha, sad clown, and dog figurines. Paco stared at the picture frames under the television stand and the faded photographs of the models Vivi never took out. Hector and Mariela were in the kitchen when the rusted deadbolt of Vivi’s front gate squeaks the arrival of someone. The adults peer out from the kitchen and notice how the visitor took their time, putting the deadbolt back in place. Mariela slid her fingers away from her coffee mug and asked Vivi, “Is it Luisa?”

Vivi shook her head, rubbing her grease soaked fingers on the towel she had over her shoulder.

Hector shrugged and sat in the wicker rocker in the kitchen. “Well here they come anyway so calm down.” Hector turned his head and saw the Paco’s back as the boy sat on the floor. “Nene, tell us who it is?”

Paco got up and when he moved, the dog under the floorboards gurgled and scratched at the weathered wood. Paco stood quiet for a second and did not notice Calixto come through the screen door.

Calixto wore a purple polo with a small neon green shark stitched across from the breast pocket. Under that he had a pair of yellow, pink, and green plaid shorts held together by a black leather belt with a simple gold colored buckle. His shoes were low-top canvas sneakers colored in the same algal green as the green in the plaid. His socks were plain white. Calixto was tall, skinny, and tanned from daily swims down at the Escambron beach in Old San Juan. His hair was cut in an unappealing flat top, his nose pronouncedly Roman, and all his angles primordially Puerto Rican with sharp and slender cuts that remind Paco of the Taino Indians he read about in school. Paco smiled at the sight of his cousin and embraced him, but only coming up past Calixto’s knees. Paco started telling him about a book he read and Calixto returned the smile, flashing glittering teeth and always half-giggling at Paco’s actions.

Vivi shuffled over and kissed Calixto while blessing him with every saint Paco had ever heard of. Mariela smiled and Hector just grimaced asking, “What you going to do with that dog”

Calixto answers, “That is why I came here,” but says it an articulate, halcyon Spanish that makes Paco think of rusty ceiling fans blowing cigarette smoke out an Old San Juan gallery.

Hector got up from the chair but did not leave the kitchen. “Well good. Take it back to Ricardo and see what you two can make of it. Pobre Vivi, having to watch over it while you were gone.” Mariela squeezed her husbands arm and tried to quiet him.

Calixto nodded to Vivi and thanked her for her help. “Don’t worry. I will take care of Pee-Wee.” Calixto turned on his heels and watched through the glare on Vivi’s TV, Hector sitting back down. After that, Calixto motioned to Paco, flicking his wrists so a leather bracelet studded with shark’s teeth jingled. Paco shot glances in between Calixto and his father, who argued with Mariela. With his parents busy Paco followed Calixto out the screen door and to the trapdoor that lead under the house.

Vivi had a giant poinsettia plant left over from a far gone Christmas that she allowed to grow in her yard. The plant’s dual colored leaves fanned over the trap door and Calixto made Paco hold onto a supple branch while he untwisted the wire hinges that kept the plank affixed to the latticework trim. He went in first but held the plank aside for Paco.

Under the floorboards of Vivi’s house there was a weather concrete circle with a metal spike drilled into the middle. The entire ground was soft dirt and there were pits and tracks where Pee-Wee frequented. Pee-Wee was tied by a metal link chain to the spike in the middle of the concrete circle. He moved in a circle around the spike, leaving a hair and drool lined moat around the center. A bowl of water sat at the center but there was no food.

Calixto came up to Pee-Wee, a wiry mutt that he called a Puerto Rican terrier whenever asked the breed, and pressed the shaking dog to his chest. Pee-Wee tired to shake his tail, a sandy brown paint brush capped by a smudge of white, when Calixto hugged him but he trembled as to make it seem like he was shaking of a blow. Calixto kissed the dog’s head and when he pulled away, a trail of frothy spit marred the purple of his shirt. Calixto looked at Paco and waved him over. “C’mon. He won’t bite you. He knows who you are.”

Paco only briefly remembered Pee-Wee, the slim and sturdy mutt, or Puerto Rican Terrier as Calixto called him, that Calixto rescued from a fight with a three-legged dog one day while fishing for cocolito crabs in the sewer. Paco had been younger, around four, when took that trip to Mayaguez for tio Carlos’s funeral and saw Pee-Wee in the backyard. The dog remained in Mayaguez, after Calixto grew up and sold enough paintings to buy a car and head to the capital. Pee-Wee remained fast and quirky while Calixto was gone, jumping from Paco’s lap to back door where he would chase the aging fighting cocks tio Carlo’s used to keep.

Paco watched Calixto let go of Pee-Wee and the dog scuttle to the floor and drag its face in the dirt. Paco crawled over to Pee-Wee and touched the dog’s rear leg. Pee-Wee did not notice and jumped up, flinging the metal chain into Paco’s stomach, and then ducking back down to the dirt. Pee-Wee lifted his head and dirt clung to his lips. Calixto grabbed the dog again and soothed it, petting its dry nose and saying, “Que caliente. Must be the fever.” Paco nodded and came over to Calixto, walking in a half crouch so his back rubbed the underside of the floorboards. This time when he touched the dog Pee-Wee did not jump but Paco felt the heat come from under his fur and the tick that made Pee-Wee’s jaws rock back and worth like if he were chewing gum. Calixto noticed this and put his nose to Pee-Wee’s. He asked, “Chewing gum, papa?” and then smiled his own canine smile. Calixto looked away from the dog and at his cousin. “Do you want to help me get him out of here and into the car.”

Paco nodded and listened while Calixto told him to hold Pee-Wee’s rear legs while he could scoop the dog up. Paco followed and held Pee-Wee by the knuckles of his rear paws while Calixto unfastened the collar and cradled the dog into his arms. “Go open the panel,” he said. Paco scrambled to the side and held the panel open while he watched his cousin wiggle out from under the house. Pee-Wee trembled even when with his owner but not as violently or suddenly as when under the house. Paco fastened the wooden panel back to Vivi’s house twisting the wires hard until they splintered the water-swelled wood. Calixto struggled with Vivi’s front gate and Paco came up to undo the deadbolt.

Calixto’s car, a cocoa brown boxy Japanese import, was parked right in front of Vivi’s house. He gave Paco the keys and made him open the rear door. After he put Pee-Wee in, over a pair of blankets lining the back seat, Paco closed the door. Calixto took the keys back from Paco and looked through the metal railings that blocked off Vivi’s porch. From inside there were no noises. Calixto looked at Paco and said, “You should come. You can hold Pee-Wee while I drive to the Vet school at the university.”

Paco played with the insides of his pockets, twirling a piece of lint in between his fingers. He also looked back into the house, but could not look above the soot lined cement outcropping of Vivi’s porch. Pee-Wee was holding his head to the rear window and still gumming away at a phantom piece of food. “What about papi and mami,” Paco asked.

Calixto shrugged and told him they would be back soon and that he really needed the help. “I need you to help hold Pee-Wee while I drive. It is a short drive but he could jump to the front and cause an accident.” He raised his head and cupped his hands around his mouth. He said to the railings, letting the wind carry his voice, “Vivi! We are going to take Pee-Wee to the Vet school.” He cracked open the door for Paco, keeping his body against the hinges for Pee-Wee could not get out. Paco got in and after finding the seat belt under the blankets called Pee-Wee. The dog put its head down and jerked over from one side of the car and stood over Paco, Pee-Wee’s legs sandwiching Paco’s lap. Paco put his arms up and over Pee-Wee’s stomach, so that his hands curled under the piano-key ribs. Calixto got in the car and when he fired the engine, Pee-Wee wriggled in Paco’s grip and pounded his legs so that his un-trimmed claws scratched Paco’s thighs. As the barrio passed by and Paco saw the same buildings again, this time empty, Pee-Wee trembled, gnawed, and snapped at every bump in the pitted road. Paco held on to the dog, feeling his own chest shake when Pee-Wee shook. Calixto drove slow and played a heavy drum laden track over the popping speakers. Calixto would look in the rear view mirror sometimes and tell Paco that he was doing good and that they were almost there. Paco tightened his grip around Pee-Wee and smooched the dog’s neck, whispering to it, Calmate. Calmate.

* * *

The gate to the university was a cement and iron archway lined with the yellow blossoms of the maga plant. No walls came out from the gate and anyone could simply walk around them and wander onto a greenhouse or practice field. Calixto took the car through the gate and then a gentle curve up a hill. Paco’s arms began to fall asleep but he had lulled Pee-Wee into his lap and the dog stayed there, trembling, but somewhat placid. The car stopped and when Paco looked out, he saw a pair of young men dressed in aqua colored shirts and pants standing next to a concrete building. Calixto got out of the car and yelled to the boys, saying that he had called ahead with, “El perro, Pee-Wee.”

When the boys began to walk over, Paco lifted the dog’s head and cupped his hands around the rear claws, so they wouldn’t scratch him when Pee-Wee got up. Calixto opened the door and grabbed Pee-Wee, pulling while Paco slowly titled the dog forward. The boys got there and one scratched into a clipboard. Paco wanted to get out but Calixto told him to wait there in the car. He said to not even bother to close the door; it would be that quick. Paco nodded and waited, already confirmed that this would be a one-way trip for Pee-Wee. That it would be what his mother called, La Ultima Paz and what they brought him books about at tio Carlos’s funeral. The books said you could see it all around, in the brown leaves on the ground and after a hurricane when there were no paloma sabaneras to coo you awake in the morning.

When Calixto came back out he was alone and the drool and hair on his body had been wiped away. He got into the car and snorted. He told Paco, “Thank you, primito.”

Paco saw the glimmer in his cousin’s eyes and wondered whether he would cry. Whether he should, but on the car ride back to Vivi’s he didn’t. But he said, “De nada” and all the niceties his mother had taught him but until that moment had carried no weight. Paco looked at his cousin one more time and then out the window, where they passed the school playground again. The flamboyan tree now seethed and shimmered to Paco’s eyes, some how more real and tangible as if lit by tropical forces unknown.

______________________

Junot Diaz has got nothing on me. Well, except that Pulitzer Prize.

Peace!




Thursday, November 29, 2007

Mango Raking

As I mentioned in my last post, here is something about what I actually shoveled back home in PR.
While drawing from memories, the piece isn't truly autobiographical. I only raked mangoes once, maybe twice, in my life. And I just used my hands. Fingertips, actually since those things are messy! However, I loved the image of going around picking up mangoes as a chore. I scribbled out some notes in my journal and here is the blog version.


* * *

My grandmother spoke of plants in homespun anthropomorphisms. A tree my father planted never bloomed because it was "manly." A tiny weed, whose leaves reacted to touch, was "magic," and she mentioned an old neighbor that tried to label it as the eight wonder of the world. Right there in Mayaguez, Puerto Rico.

I am sure she would have described the mango tree in our neighbor's backyard as "pregnant." Fruit always seemed present on the tree, hanging down from leathery vines in the branches. While planted in the neighbor's yard, two solid branches jutted over the hibiscus strangled chain link fence and over our property. My mother said rats lived in the hollowed out recesses of the trees roots. "Go pick up the mangoes to stop the rats," she said, handing me crumpled up plastic supermarket bags from underneath the sink.

The mangoes begin rod shaped, hanging hard and green on the tree. They fall to the grass with soft thumps once they turn peppered emerald color filled with tiny black spots. They are in stark relief with the mangoes you see in the stateside supermarket. Those are softball sized balls that look more like avocados. My grandmother called these "Cuban" mangoes, which were better for straight up eating. Our mangoes, Puerto Rican ones, were better for making into jams and pastes. Better for baking too. She also called the hydroponic lettuce sold at store "Puerto Rican Lettuce" because it came from facilities on the island. Each bag was embossed with an outline of the island. This lettuce supposedly made you sleepy. "American" lettuce came only in bundles of threes. A single head of Romaine lettuce would have probably blown her mind.

The mangoes ripened on the ground, even though, at this point they already developed a blush coming from each end. Then like a banana they turned a splotchy black with a cucumber beetle orange skin. If left for too long, they became completely black with intermittent rings of deep purple in the bruises. At this point the fruit was so soft as to quiver when touched. These were my least favorite to pick up as I imagined centipedes and rats under each one. I filled the supermarkets bag full and carried them over to the trash at an arm's length. "Not in the trash, boy," my mother would say. "The rats will get them there!"

* * *

I wrote that stream of consciousness style, with some help from the notes. It shows. But, you got a post, eh!?

Peace!

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Windows

I have this thing about windows. While I was crafting the post about the local Ithaca monsters I realized I had very vivid images about looking through and at windows. First, the more anecdotal ones before I try to make something creative out of memory.

Like I said in the previous post, around the mid 90's I had a fear that an escape gorilla from the zoo was stalking our neighborhood. We had a laundry room in our old house which was nothing more than a sort of big mud room off the backyard porch. Being Puerto Rico, all the windows were of the shuttered variety,except these were just panes of glass that folded over one another. My mom always made me go to the laundry room at night and close that window. I don't know exactly why. Maybe to keep bugs out? Whenever I did look at that window, I expected a pair of red glowing eyes to be looking back at me. Our had a sort of living fence made of wild ginger plants. They were tall, stalky plants, almost like corn, that could hide any sort of creature in them. And I thought this creature was a gorilla. The first Chupacabra sighting in PR was in 1994 and I believe I inserted the gorilla as some sort of proxy for the creature. The monster lived about six counties over in the outskirts of the rain forest. We didn't have any rabbits or chickens for it to feed one and, besides, it wasn't even real! Was it? I knew gorillas didn't have red eyes, but the Chupacabra did and that is why I believe I just substituted the crazy (scaly blood sucking beast) to the sitcom-esque (Oh no! Escape gorilla!).

Speaking of eyes, after first learning about Mothman* in the wonderful Big Book of the Unexplained, I am even more frazzled by looking through windows. Especially at night. I can't sleep with the curtains up. Not because of ambient light coming through the windows, but because last thing I want to see is a pair of hypnotic eyes rise up from below the windowsill and stare at me! At least with curtains, I have some time to prepare myself for terror!

My last window memory isn't that scary, even though a storm can certainly be characterized as scary. The context is that during 1989's Hurricane Hugo, I watched the lemon tree in my backyard fall because of the winds. It was all from a bathroom window and rather physical, as well as visual. This window didn't have any glass. It was some metal shutters placed in the wall behind some metal grating and a screen panel. Here is a little something about it.

___________________________________

My cousins lived out by the bay and after many phone calls and a threat from the police they eventually decided to evacuate. But not to a community shelter. But to our house, which was on a hill and made of the appropriate concrete. "That is what family is for," said my uncle as he came through the front gate. "Yes, family," said my father as he welcomed everyone in.

Hurricanes are notoriously boring. You can only watch the local channels that come in over the air and then they are just running the news. When the power goes out, we need to save the batteries for flashlights, not that portable TV. I hardly read, something I usually enjoy, because it is hard to read by candlelight. To get any decent light, you almost have to burn your book.

My cousins are all younger; six, eight, and nine. But, because I'm bored, I play their games too. We run through all the potted plants that mom brought in from the terrace. It's a jungle in there and we hoard some of the food from the pantry in case the hurricane takes the adults away. Most of our rations are potted meat and water crackers. One cousin, Tuto, tries to eat a palm frond, swearing he saw someone at school do it. He later vomited it up on the backyard porch, right as the first rain storms came through.

"Hey, come look at this!" It was my father's voice and we all blasted out from the jungle to find him in the master bedroom. "Here, in the bathroom!" The rest of the adults were behind us now. My uncle, mother, and aunt pushed us into the bathroom. Through the metal grating over the actual shutters, we all saw the lemon tree sway in the winds. Father explained that he though the neighborhood houses were capturing the wind and bouncing it off the sides of the house. The tree did seem to circle around, with the weaker branches snapping off and twirling down the grass. We heard the soft tuft of a lemon hitting the side of our house. It must have been close to the actual window, since the wind was so strong, that the metal shutters creaked.

"There it goes!" My uncle jabbed out a finger and pressed his nail into the screen grate before the shutters. A sort of cross wind must have caught the tree and sent the top branches in opposite directions. The force ran down each of the main branches and into the base. The tree wasn't very old or strong. The base trunk was as thick as a softball and the wood split down the middle. Each side cam down on separate side of the lawns, held together by splinters of wood at the base. Father let out a swear and mother said good riddance. "It was dying anyway. Did you see that black soot on its leaves."
"Ah, yes," said my aunt. "A fungus."
The fallen branches still moved in the wind, almost twitching with every gust. Though it rained hard and I imagined they were heavy with all the water, the movements were springy as if each branch wanted to crawl away from the wreck. I pressed m had against the spot where my uncle had jabbed the screen. I felt the divot and the squirts of water coming in from the outside. The rain squeezed itself through the metal squares. It was also broken during the hurricane.

_______________________________

Peace!

*If you want to learn more about how terrorizing the Mothman is, I suggest you stay away from the lackluster Richard Gere movie. The Big Book story (presented in comic book form) just really highlights the creepiness with lots of single panels of those eyes.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

The Spice!

Around the apartment, we talk a lot about "the spice." Not the food items, but the weird cultural haughtiness that plagues many a Hispanic, particularly, in our case, Puerto Ricans.

Now any familiar reader of the blog will know that I am one crappy Puerto Rican. Mostly because I don't have "the spice," which means I don't think I am better than everyone just because I am Puerto Rican. Oh, it happens...

I don't have to explain anything to you, Mr. Tax Man! I have THE SPICE! *swings hips wildly while at the front door*

*Dancing on top of the boardroom table* Of course I picked the right font for that business report, Mr. Woods. I have THE SPICE!!! Serifs are always better because they move and dance!

*Yelling back at the movie string* Hey, it's OK I yell back! I have THE SPICE! *Indeterminate voice tells speaker to shut up* No, you shut up, honky-gringo! I HAVE THE SPICE! *Dances in chair*

You know how some Hispanic characters on TV shows have to always fucking say everything first in English and then in Spanish? That's the spice, except this time it is Mr. TV Producer telling the actor to ham it up.

"We must get there fast! RAPIDO!"
"Hey there. Where is the milk? LA LECHE!"

I mean all cultures have something like the spice. It's just a warped evolution of being proud of who you are and where you come from. "The spice" is the dividing line between patriotism and nationalism, between respect and idolatry. And while this can all get pretty heavy-handed, I treat the spice like one big joke. I mean its all pretty much bullshit.

As a minority you hear a lot of things. One is that the greater world, every culture, not just white, has certain expectations of you. Most of them are negative and its sad to see that stereotypes still play such a big role today. We want to break those stereotypes and show everyone that things such as intelligence, responsibility, and creativity are human traits, not national traits. However, at the same time you can stray too far from your roots. Too far from "the spice." Then you are a traitor, someone who betrayed your entire cultural nation because your cultural nation has been boiled down to how thick an accent you speak in and whether or how much you love dancing.

Bah! This was supposed to be a bit about the new Dune book. Get it, the spice? That is still to come, but I can't help getting on my soap box when I think about "the spice." As a wannabe writer, this cultural awkwardness is a driving force. A real writer parallel is the wonderful Sherman Alexie who chronicles the identity struggles of Native Americans. Read him, he is wonderful.

Peace!

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Heavy

I just realized that today is February 15th and that is my father's birthday. This isn't very big or exciting news because my father passed away in 1994. I have written a lot about my father. It feels weird to say that because his death, and absence, has never really seemed that emptying. He died when I was 9 and the earliest memories I can remember are from when I was 5 or so. Hence, I really don't remember my father very much. He is an enigma that lives bigger and better in the stories my sister and mother tell.

I like literature that explores the masculine. I find this kind of story hard to find. Sure, there are plenty of stupid masculine stories and magazines. However, stories of bravado and machismo really don't do it much for me. I refuse to think that being masculine means that you are simple and inherently violent. I refuse to think that the highest expression of masculinity out there is Maxim (Oh, do I loathe Maxim!) This is why I like Chuck Palahniuk so much. His first book, Fight Club, talked about boyhood and masculinity. He used the violent stereotypes to question what it meant to be a real modern "man." A man raised by women, which I was. I don't regret being raised by my mother and I really don't, or ever, missed my father. I am sorry if that sounds callous and cruel. I know he was a nice guy, but I never really, really got to see that.

However, I still find myself writing a lot about my father. Here is a series of pieces I wrote about this. They are fictional and written in the style of a grown man writing to his dead father. I am only 22, so these letters are a bit pretentious, but I felt it was appropiate to give them so blog action.

This entry also marks a new blogging perspective for me. I usually try to post original original material here. Hence, I wanted to just hammer out stuff on the computer and not pull something from a journal of mine. I actually write a lot more with pen and paper then this blog would let you know. I realized it would be good of me to actually try and type these pieces out. They will grow as they translate from the page to the blog, and hopefully improve.

Sorry, if this is a bit heavy for anyone that might have stumbled upon my blog or returns to it every so often. I could write another Co-op of Justice piece, if you would like! EH!? Let me know. Peace!

_________________________________

"A Fistful of Letters"
by Garik Charneco


My father, who art in heaven, what is it like to die? You are the best source I know. I sometimes think of the actual act of dying while lying in bed. My wife's breath falls up and down and I reminded of mother's own breath, breaking over my forehead, that night. I imagine an infinite darkness where you lay on a soft cushion. The cushion is made of velvet and usually purple, but sometimes I imagine it red. You lay down on the cushion and you feel warm, like a thick blanket just pulled from the linen closet. Then the blanket sweeps off, but you still feel warm because dozens of hands start to caress you. They feel like silk. They run from head to toe and pull you deeper into the black. There is no deity or light, only away. I would like to know what it is like to die. I am sorry if that makes me selfish.

-Boy

* * *


My father, who art in heaven, what college would you have liked me to attend? Only now I realize my own strength and know I would not be lead so easily like my sister. What did you think of the fights me and mom had? Did you laugh when we actually came to blows, her lunging at me with a mop and myself grabbing an umbrella in defense? I grabbed the mop handle after deflecting it with the umbrella. I was fat back then and put all my weight into throwing her back. My elbow came up and knocked her in the chin. Just a tap. Were you horrified? Would you have approved of my direction? Of my major? Of my first job?

-Boy

* * *
My father, who art in heaven, did you see my bike accident junior year of college? I learned to ride a bike from Eddie, mom's first boyfriend. I bought one my first summer away from home to get around. I sprung a flat tire after skirting a rock by the reservoir. I was two miles from my apartment. A thunderhead began to develop on the horizon. I began to cry because I had no idea what to do. I made sure no one was around.


-Boy

* * *

My father, who art in heaven, please explain to me these lingering memories. They flash in my mind every so often and you seem to be the only connection. Please explain...

  • An abandoned miniature golf course.
  • A natural blowhole by the sea.
  • A leaking canoe filled with snails.
  • A latrine in the desert.
  • A lemon tree split in two, yet still alive.
  • The smell of leather seats.
  • A crop of pigeon peas.
* * *

My father, who art in heaven, please explain these favors. The last time someone called me "Rafa's Boy" I had returned back home for mom's surgery. Please explain all your old friends to me. The aforementioned was an insurance salesman who said he could help me get a car. While I was back home, taking care of mom, you know. There are men everywhere that owe you favors. Other bankers, business owners, and a farmer too. I have never asked my sister about these, but do they ask her too. I have never pulled these strings. Mom reminds me to call these men every Christmas even though I don't know them and my wife, she can barely pronounce their names.

-Boy

* * *

My father, who art in heaven, what did you think when mom sold the house? I didn't really care. It was just a house. I drove by the old neighborhood while visiting the island and saw the Flamboyant* tree you planted right before you died. Mom wanted to cut because she feared its roots would rip up the sidewalks. She had a handyman trim its wild branches back into a gumdrop shape. I went out that night and poured the rest of the blue fertilizer powder you kept in the shed over its hidden roots. It was there when I left home and still there when I visited. It was flowering for, I believe, the first time ever. It's flowers burst against the concrete horizons of the house. They were yellow, a canary color with small flecks of salmon rimming the edges of the bottom petals. I imagine it pregnant with the oar shaped fruits, the ones we turned into swords at school. Grandma always called that tree "male" and that is why it never flowered. It still reminds me of you.

-Boy

* * *

My father, who art in heaven, if you can see my house then I am sorry for the lack of any pictures of you. Mom made me keep a tiny picture of you by my besides. It was next to the tiny crucifix she also made me keep.

-Boy

* * *

My father, who art in heaven, when mom screamed, "I am glad your father isn't here to see this!" were you glad?

-Boy

* * *

My father, who art in heaven, what did you think of my reverse birth idea? I imagine you heard me when the lowered grandma's ashes into the same plot as you. Your daughter gave birth to twin boys. I carried one up to your plot that day and shielded it's head with my hand. It was sunny, a gorgeous day and in the horizon you could see that sea. My sister, your daughter, held her other son and said, "There lies your grandpa too. Watching you from heaven with God and the Holy Ghost." She said this in soft coos. She repeated the refrain to the grandson I held in my hands.

-Boy

* * *

My father, who art in heaven, do you laugh when I daydream. Are you disappointed by the lack of sex and the prevalence of power rings? I apologize, but you must have seen those furtive minutes of me masturbating and everything with my girlfriend, fiancee, and wife.

-Boy

* * *

My father, who art in heaven, is there a God? Again, you are the best source I know. I always assumed that if there was a God then you would get to ask him or her three questions upon your entrance to the afterlife. I still plan to ask him the same questions. The kind of questions I would have asked you, but on a grander scale, like who really shot JFK?

-Boy

* * *

My father, who art in heaven, please verify these stories. They are all I have of you, passed on from grandma, mom, sister, and the rest.

  • Did you really steal Grandma's car when you were nine to go see mom?
  • Did you really lose 35 pounds in basic training?
  • Did you really run across town naked and covered in paint as part of a fraternity initiation?
  • Did you have an M.B.A?
-Boy

* * *

My father, who art in heaven, did you really die? I ask because I imagine that your death must have brought something like a rain of yellow flowers to the land. I half-expect to see you someday on the subway or on the street. A lonely man, who still carries himself with great weight and pride. You will speak in an accent, but only because I have one to you. I will come up to you, but then be afraid because you know so much about me and I am writing these letters.

-Boy

__________________________

All we need is for Thursday or the Fray to slap some music onto this and I got the next emo hit!

*To those unfamiliar with PR..."flamboyant tree"









Sunday Morning

 My father was not a man of faith That is something I stole from him, that phrase I use to politely defuse the handsome couple at my door on...