Local issues, away!
After just seeing an episode of The X-Files, I realized that what Ithaca really needs* is some sort of local monster. And not some silly lake monsters, because that would be too easy. A serious monster. One that walks up all those scenic gorges that criss-cross the Cornell campus and eats college kids whole! He would make those kids really scramble for those blue light phones. A hairy beast that would skitter across the rooftops like the crack heads in a Dave Chapelle routine, commiserating with the other scraggly denizens of the Bernie Milton Pavilion. We started our own money and patrol the streets in Yellow VW bugs. We are up to this. We're Ithaca and we are going to make ten committees, keep to a modified consensus, cue up some buzzwords, and get our monster, dammnit!
Imagine the hilarity that would ensue! You would have vigilante hunting squads up in the rural areas ("I don't care what it is. It's probably a transplant and I hate it!"), while the folks at EcoVillage still couldn't reach a consensus about what they think about it ("Sorry to sound so Republican, but I just have to say it. I am not feeling the monster Zephyr. ") Frat kids at Cornell would be trying to get it drunk ("The dude totally loves Stones, bro.") and those people from the Twelve Tribes would try to recruit it. ("Want some Mate, friend?"). The skater punks on the Commons would ask it for money ("Got any spare change? You most with that sweet hair.") and Common Council would be trying to slap solar panels on the side of it ("If we could only just move all this hair!"). We could all agree that everyone would ask why taxes are so hign.
Where have all the monsters gone? Replaced by exotic invasive monster species introduced in the ballast tanks of ocean freighters? Out competed for human flesh by zombies? Those meddling kids?!
I am surprised that CNY doesn't hold some sort of monster myth. Maybe it does and I have jut not heard of it. I am dreaded transplant. Any longtime residents know of any? Even my crude grasp on local history can draft up some starting points. An old Haudenosaunee legend? Pent up frustrations from the Sullivan campaign? An angel that Joseph Smith didn't talk to?
And what would the creature look like? Of course, it would have to be bipedal. That is just how it has to be. A something shaggy, so it can handle the winters. Scaly guys like the homegrown Chupacabra can stay in the tropics. And since I am creating the thing, I say let us give it some sweet spines, sharp claws, and a knowledge of all things CNY. He's a Rust Belt mean motherfucker with a hankering for apples and a resistance to cold. We would call him the Ithaca Hill Beast. Igby for short.
HOLY SHIT! THERE HE IS NOW!
(Eyewitness rendition of monster as seen emerging from the pine barrens of Ithaca's West Hill. Sorry for the quality, but the witness was running for his life!)
Well, there you have it folks. Move over Jersey Devil because there is a new East Coast bigfoot!
Old School
Bah! Now I have gone and creeped myself out with all those pictures of the actual Jersey Devil. I used this one because it came from an actual NJ State website! You can download the print and color him in! For some strange reason I have a vivid childhood memory of fearing that an escape gorrilla from the zoo stalked our neighborhood. I grew up during the initial Chupacabra media hype in PR and maybe that is just a cultural memory from then. I will blog about that later, in an actual prose piece. Until then, Igby lives!
Peace!
* Actually Ithaca needs a lot of things more important than a monster. Lowering taxes, fighting racism in the school district, strip development, and town-gown relations all are those things voters care about. Puny voters. Igby eats civilly engaged fools like you!
Old School
Bah! Now I have gone and creeped myself out with all those pictures of the actual Jersey Devil. I used this one because it came from an actual NJ State website! You can download the print and color him in! For some strange reason I have a vivid childhood memory of fearing that an escape gorrilla from the zoo stalked our neighborhood. I grew up during the initial Chupacabra media hype in PR and maybe that is just a cultural memory from then. I will blog about that later, in an actual prose piece. Until then, Igby lives!
Peace!
* Actually Ithaca needs a lot of things more important than a monster. Lowering taxes, fighting racism in the school district, strip development, and town-gown relations all are those things voters care about. Puny voters. Igby eats civilly engaged fools like you!
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