How To Breathe Underwater

Around the summer of 2008 and into the first half of 2009 I seriously looked into joining the armed forces. Like a lot people at that time, I was unemployed so I can't say it was 100% stars and bars but I have maybe only 3 major regrets in life and not serving my country (In some capacity. Maybe Foreign Service?) is one of them. The fact I got to muddle all this while hanging out and playing emulated ROMs of Pokemon is testament to all those who have served. 

I had narrowed it down to either Army or the Coast Guard. I thought that because I had a college degree that maybe I could go down more of an officer path but that is based on pretty much nothing but guessing. 

None of this came to bear fruit but I remember on the Coast Guard recruiting page in the FAQ that there was a legit question (A frequently asked one!) that was "Do I have to know how to swim?"

I can imagine all the variables. Did this person not read the sign? Was the boat on the web page or recruiting center something so foreign, so alien, like Spanish ships breaking the horizon of Hispañola in 1492, that they could not fathom it? Or did they have huge stones. Like, "Whats the big deal if I don't know how to swim. I will out hustle all of y'all." Is it a prank that happened so much that someone had to begrudgingly put it up there on the website? Does the Coast Guard want people that ask that? Can someone say "Eh, a little" 

Recruiter: Son you know how to swim, yes?

Guy: Eh...a little.

Recruiter: A little?

Guy: Yeah, like it depends. Play it by ear.

Or is it like the "Contents may be hot" warning

Trainer: Ok, everyone lets get in the pool to test our survival skills

Guy: Woah, woah. No one said anything about swimming.

Trainer: ...I think it is obvious in the name

Guy: That could mean a lot of things. How am I supposed to know. 

Trainer: Ok, then you are fired

Guy: No, you will be hearing from my attorney. 

In writing this blog I had to look and it is still there! 

Some Prose-Summer

This is inspired by a Tweet I sent earlier in the summer of 2018.

Summer is my favorite season. Many will claim to like fall because we have done a great job of coalescing sweater weather lovers online. Some will say winter because of sleds and snow but I feel it is really because of Christmas (ie stuff) or just to be iconoclastic. I think no one cares about spring, which is sad but it is certainly the number 4 in my seasonal ranking.

Summer embodies life and means food and growth. When we lionize fall and winter we are lionizing seasons of fall and death. Hence, why my earlier point that its too bad spring gets such a minor role. It is rebirth! The Phoenix coming from the fire. But, does anyone care about spring?

Summer is my favorite season because professionally it has always been a difficult one. In my previous work it meant smoldering in a warehouse. In my current work it is beyond the wall busy, a frantic rush where we are both making the rug and yanking it out from underneath us. This has made me appreciate my favorite summer feeling which is standing in or by a yard with tall unkempt grass. The sun is high and the heat baking and dry so that you can feel the distinct layers of clothes on you. Your socks peeling away from your shoes in the heat. And there is a snicker-snack cadence of bugs zipping through the high grass and chirping. Maybe the long, shrill blast of an annual cicada. A feeling of teeth in the grass that can slink up and then go back to ground when they realize how stifling the heat really is. And I feel this sometimes from my car, the windows rolled down and the broken AC blasting hot air because I still run the fan. Or I will feel it on foot and get closer to the whole scene. That little scene, often quite suburban and easily shattered by a passing car or overhead jet, epitomizes summer. The only thing better would be if the sky behind me is that scary blue-black bruise color. A thunderstorm also brimming and ready to unwind in a single snap.

Another Internet Paw Patrol Rant

My daughter loves Paw Patrol. Being younger than her brother she has had to endure many of his decisions and he often has the bully pulpit on what we watch and do. So she doesn't get to pick much even when we intervene but Paw Patrol has always been steady. Like my son for Thomas the Tank Engine it is all encompassing. Sets on sets on sets.

I have been around the Parent's Internet and noticed many funny asides on Paw Patrol.

What is the deal with Ryder?
Where is Ryder's family?
How are the funded?
Can't anyone in Adventure Bay help themselves?!
WHO PICKS UP THEIR POOP!?

Watching a recent episode I had an epiphany that Ryder, the shows 10 year old human boy protagonist, is not some kindly do-gooder. Instead he is a straight up micromanaging martinet. The dogs have all this gear and smarts (They are dogs that can talk and operate cars!) and yet he is always the one giving orders down to such a granular level that the dogs are just vectors. I know he gives his little mission briefing in every episode but this is different. This isn't "Oh, we got a water rescue so I need my amphibious guys like Zuma and even Rocky has a boat rig now" No, it is down to the sub atomic level fussy.

"Everest, use your snowboard to save the penguin!"
Ok, what else is she going to use? Her unicycle? Would she, or any of the other 6 Pups, just let it die?

"Marshall, use your hydro jet to attach this tracker to the Air Patroller!"
Ok, so...1) That silly. Have Skye FLY IT UP THERE! and 2) Maybe if you weren't busy bossing them around your crew could figure that out?

"Zuma, use your buoy to save that kitten from the bay!"
Arf arf arf! Oh ok... I was going to use my anvil to help it sink faster!

Considering Paw Patrol is Adventure Bay's only problem solvers you think Ryder would want to make it less centralized. What happens if he leaves? Grows up? The pups have been set up to fail by not knowing how to do anything.

Back, Again!

 I have returned? What is different this time? Well, Twitter happened and I love Twitter. The President of the United States loves Twitter so why not me? I understand it is all just one giant swamp of comment section digitally ramming into another toxic comment section but do I love it so. And the thrill from those likes. Even just 2 makes me high five the nearest person which is usually a cat. I have been unsuccessful in training my cats to high five btw.

So, I wanted someplace to type longer pieces since I am verbose and suck at making Twitter threads.

If you have been here before then mostly the same save for a few changes:

• I changed jobs and while I often talked about my old one I will not about my current one. Don't worry its not top secret or anything but learned some lessons along the way. I work at a public school. Maybe I may mention a favorite teachers but all good and sealed away. I practice my work rants in the car driving back home so the people in the car next to me can look at me and say "That's a winner!"
• I am less concerned about the tags and links than before. With time I can clean up some more.
• No more or very little fiction writing. While I still express myself every day through writing and those lessons helped (Continue to influence me) I never had much success or the discipline to push through. I got old and fat(ter) and married and had kids and then couldn't prioritize the scribbling.
• Maybe a bit of written asides or poetry. Crappy poetry of course but wouldn't that be neat. Whenever I think of poems I think of a girl I had a creative writing class with who wrote that she as going through a break up and that "her skin could not heal. Like the wet grass it is whole but makes for divots with even the lightest pressure." It was better in college and yay for poetry and quick little writes.
• I'll try to be funny
• It will be random. You like bloviating on writing on post, then a mom joke, then something about the Magic the Gathering? Oh we got you! 

I am sorry if your read something in the archives and think "Man, what a jabroni!" I am not going to delete them so go nuts and if you find something that makes you wonder please call me out. 

That is it! Enjoy