New Car: The Search

In college people nicknamed me the "Ultimate Pedestrian." I would walk from all the way in Garden 29 on the top of South Hill in Ithaca, NY to the Wegman's grocery store on Meadow Ave and that blew people away. It was maybe 2.4 miles per a quick online search but it was uphill both ways! I walked everywhere around town. In all weather. My freshmen year I was surprised to learn that a girl I knew in high school (she has transferred out before our senior year) ended up at Cornell. And she found me on AOL Instant Messenger (Remember that?) and we went to an Incubus concert on the Cornell campus. And, I had a crush on her in HS and yes, I tried to shot my shoot, at the concert but did not work. So, it was fun (This was around the Crow Left of the Murder album) but I then had to walk across town and from the other hill in the October rain. And this is before I knew of the foot bridge short cut over Six Mile Creek so year I went uphill both ways for sure.

Then I graduated and still did not have a car. After graduation I remember test driving a used Toyota Corolla at a tiny dealer in Groton, NY because a misprint in the paper made it seem like it was only 1,725 for a 2 year old car (Should have been 17,250) and getting pulled over by a local cop. They assumed I stole the car because the dealer forgot to put the dealer plate on it. The dealer trusted us to just zip around town. And did I mention Groton, NY was so tiny that the local police was a Chevy Malibu with a siren and a literal yellow safety colored magnet that said "Groton PD." That was maybe the last time I dreamed of driving for 3 years.

THen we moved to Ohio and I got a job on the other side of the city. A 2 hour commute via bus and train each way. Which I did not mind because i could read or sleep or daydream. And it was just me and my wife. No kids, little obligation. But, wow did that suck. But I was stuck in these temporary gigs and 25K a year.

Then Amy Dematteo quit. She was the volunteer coordinator at the non-profit I temp'ed at. Then I became volunteer coordinator. Here is 35K! OK, lets go! That is some real money. Then Mimi Hable quit and I became Director of Operations of the whole thing and then I started making adult money even with my minimum credentials. Lets go crazy! Lets go get a Purple Honda Fit. A spring for the sport model! What is the difference between stock and sport. Sport has a cool spoiler! Oh, yeah I need the fucking spoiler. When the finance guy asked me how long I planned to drive it I said "Until the wheels fall off"

I love my little purple car. Yeah it was disappointing to see such a tiny car be a little baby gas guzzler (Well its the biggest subcompact car!) but it was game changing. People could leave a mere 30 minutes before their event!? I was no longer a serf to the RTA bus. I appreciated my privilege. And when I first had the car I was so nice. Oil changes every 3000 miles and car washes every week. But then I had kids and then I kept eating a lot more fast food then I should and I hit too many winter potholes. It still runs but at 96K miles my wife wants me to switch out. "Our kids ride in it." And maybe we can eek some value before we hit the 100K automotive cliff.

So I am in the market for a new car and it feels weird because I have only ever driven one car. And I own the Fit so not happy to take on a new payment. It is literally the only thing of value I outright own. We had a house,but then we had kids.

Wait that is not true...I do own a Kaladesh Masterpiece Sol Ring and she is gorgeous and she is Kryptonite rare and she is $400.

AHHHH! MARRY ME!

 But when your most valuable possession is a piece of cardboard you keep (double sleeved!) in a piece of plastic it is time indeed to re-think then plan.

So in the market for a new car and I am thinking of a Subaru Forester Sport because...well honestly because it has that neat orange trim and just a tiny little spoiler. I cannot escape my inner douche bro.

GP Cleveland Walkthrough

Disclaimer: Unless you know something about Magic the Gathering then this blog post will make even more less than usual. I will write with as wide an audience as possible but note A) No one reads this and B) There is some "inside baseball" knowledge you need to know to get it. Imagine you were watching Rocky Horror for the first time in a theater full of people who KNOW every damn line. Or Monty Python and the Holy Grail. If you enjoy my posts then you may get some humor from it. I am also writing this kind of tipsy so there is that. It has my patented asterisk aside style which I have found gets most people to read my work emails and memos.

I played Magic: The Gathering (MTG) from about 1996 to 2003 with then a large gap (broken up by maybe a peek at some plot point or new twist. I thought Progenitus was ridiculous when I stumbled on it in some chat board by chance. Not even an MTG one* to boot!

Still dumb

Then around the time was son was born I noticed a box of MTG in, of all places, a Target. This was incredibly odd because when I used to play you had to go to a specific store to get cards. And growing up in PR (without a car) meant options were limited. I got most of my cards from buying booster packs (sealed packs with randomized cards) at video game stores. They were usually behind the counter and the clerks (Because Game Stop style stores are known for excellent customer service) really could care less. "What do you want? Urza's what?"

And when I played a kid there were no "big" MTG events that came to PR (At some point during my lapse there was a Pro Tour there) and pre-releases were still the regional kind where you had to go to one place in your state or metro area. Those were the biggest events I ever attended. 300 people and maybe one local vendor with a few vendor. As a kid, if you visited the states and came back with some sleeves or a store with entire tomes of single cards then we looked at you with the same suspicion as if you told us a girl liked you. No way, bro. Urban legend stuff.

And while MTG is old it has never been bigger. The information age has maximized it. And as an adult, with a car and disposable income, I really took to it back in 2013. Don't get me wrong. I am not good. But good enough to know why I lose.

I enjoy playing the limited*** version of MTG. That is where you make a deck based on cards you open from sealed packs.

That was the format for GP Cleveland! 6 Pack Sealed. Open 6 packs and lets go! Oh, and I will only refer to it as GP Cleveland. In the last year these events (Its like winning an open in golf or tennis) have been rebranded "Magic Fests" and while I get it (It really is like a mini convention) that sounds even too lame for a basement full of guys shoving little pieces of cardboard
into little plastic sleeves.

Nerds

So, after all that start up, here is my GP Cleveland diary! If you are still reading this then here is where it gets very specific...And the "voice" changes to be more narrative. If you are still reading you are a saint.

I tend to be one of those people who gets to the airport very early. 2 to 3 hours early. I once went on a business trip and the relief I felt when my colleague told that she too also liked getting early to airport has to be akin to hearing the test results are negative. The event said we needed to be at the convention center by 9am. So, of course I leave by 7am for what is supposed to be a 25 minute drive to downtown. "What about parking!?" I panic but then I think "Oh well, its Saturday. It will be ok"

No, apparently Cleveland PD has a ban on pretty much any street parking on weekends that isn't under some bridges in the flats. I pull into a parking garage and pay someone $10 to save the 30 minutes of sharking around town. 

Our convention center is neat but every time I walk into it I feel as if I am walking into some half finished movie set. Its the abandoned warehouse that villains use to stage their attacks. You walk and there is a giant black void behind the welcome desk. Its a hall that seems to never have been used. Or meant to be used "Oh, this is the hall for when guests come over. We are not allowed to use it.
 The signs tell you to head to the halls buried deep under the lawn and over the bones of Public Auditorium. The entire thing has a regional airport vibe. Lot of polished satiny stainless steel.

I weaved through the hallways and came to halls A and B. THey look like the perpetually empty one save with light. And the halls feel to me, and my untrained eye, as elegant in their brutal and utilitarian simplicity. All you needs is chairs, tables, lights, and sealed concrete. One hall holds the Mythic Championship (What they know call the Pro Tour, a branding name I feel even more egregious than the Magic Fest) and this is invite only. Actual pros attend. People who play the game for a living.

In the adjoining hall is the open Magic Fest. And this is a mini mecca. Endless rows of tables and then corporate branded swag. Pop up banners and standups of all the characters. Dozens of vendors selling not just cards and sealed product (often old sealed product. Still sealed boxes of sets I played as a kid. These are my people**** And there a lot of them! At my LGS there are maybe 15 people at some time there. But here are thousands of people all saying we enjoy the same and are willing to spend some cash on it.

I was registered for the main event which, if you own, you could get $25K in prizes. Nine rounds of MTG at roughly 50 minutes a round (plus time between to switch tables and such). That is more than a half day of MTG!

Registration for this was $80 bucks. Which is a lot since you get 6 packs.  For comparison you can get a pack at Target for about $4 (most game stores sell them for $3 for 11) so you could make you own sealed deck (That is what this format is formally called) for $30. What else does the extra money get you.

Well, not too much, but these events are expensive to put on right?

We did get some custom printed sleeves***** and plastic deck box, a life pad (ie note pad) and then a custom event only card. This gorgeous card...

Lighting Bolt is an iconic card from the game's very first printing. Its can be text less because you know what it does. I mean, if you play the game. And these were being hunted on the floor by retailers and people not in the main event for anywhere from $25 to $30 each. Its also shiny.

But we can't use it in our decks. Only the cards in the packs!

Except there are no packs. Just a big bundle of cards. This was my first GP but I learned that this is something new where the organizers pre register your card pool (Saving you from writing down every card you open AND then writing down every card in your deck. This is to prevent people from bringing in their own collection) to save time. Ok, neat. What did I get?

Before that I want to say that I am not that lucky in MTG. Skill is a big part of the game. And practice. But the game has a natural variance that is near quantum. If I played 100 games aginst John Finkel (The best player ever IMHO. ******) I may win one. But I am not that lucky^


SO what did I get...well I got a foil Prime Speaker Vannifar

She is shiny and like $40! Not that great in sealed but I tried to make the "Birthing Pod" ladder. Note enough 3 drops. I non-bowed once when I sacked a 5 drop to look for a six drop not knowing I had no more 6 drops. "Well I just sacked a creature to shuffle my library. HA!"

I also got a foil Growth Spiral which is like $4 bucks and looks so biogenically spiffy!

Also had another Growth Spiral, a Simic Ascendancy, Biomancer's Familiar, three Territorial Boars, 4 adapt creatures, some bounce, and a SHARKTOCRAB! Lets go Simic!

RHARR! GET EM!

And then I lost the first game to mana screw. Then the second game to a very synergistic Orzhov deck that had 6 removal spells. Absolutely sucks to get time walked when you sink all your mana into making your Galloping Lizrog a 11/11 and then they just Consign to the Pit. Not cool

Never got to squish anyone

I then won Game 3 against a kind of wimpy Mardu deck but avoided the damn Dagger Caster/Blade brand combo.

I then won Game 4 against a Gates deck in sealed! They had the ram and the angel but was able to thwomp them with counters flying due to Simic Ascendancy.

Then lost two more in a row and dropped after 6 rounds. I needed to get home

But then someone I knew said "Hey lets do this quick fire draft. $20 bucks!" I still had $55 on my "mad money" budget so yeah why not. It was single elimination but winner would get enough prize tickets to buy a booster box. Lets go!

I lost in game 1. I went Rakdos (Black and Red) and tried to go very small with 5 one drops and then some sacrifice value to sneak in the Blood Mist Infiltrator. I had 3 (THREE!?) Get the Points which helped but did not show up when I got run over by that 2/5 unblockable knight with High Alert on the table. I hate High Alert and all the toughness matters/butt fight shenanigans. And I loved Walls as a kid and butts now!

Please burn all copies of this card

But I had fun and got lots of cool swag. A Simic Pin for my work bad. An Azorius "Comply" shirt to confuse people with. A Noble Hierarch for Rafiq EDH for only $36! And some other EDH goodies. Thank you, SCG!

Honestly never thought I would own this card.

I get why people travel for these. It helped that the Pro Tour was there ^^ but I played against people from Windsor, ON and Raleigh, NC. A lot of people from Cleveland or Detroit, Buffalo, Pittsburgh, and Columbus but yeah it was fun. Highly recommend.



*During the peak of The Office's (US) popularity, NBC actually ran a sort of mini game/social media website called Dunder Mifflin Infinity where fans could join branches (usually based on location) and try to win "prizes" (nothing real. It was stuff you could put on your digital desk. The Newton's Cradle was a TON of points) by playing games as team. I was part of the Rochester, NY branch (at the time I lived maybe 1.5 hours away in upstate NY**) and we won two years (seasons) in a row

**This is the caveat that Rochester is not upstate NY but Western NY. Upstate is like Mexico, NY or Fort Drum. Really back of beyond stuff. But unless you live/lived there it is much easier to say anything not in NYC is "upstate."

***The game can be played a million different ways. Formats restrict what kinds of cards you can play. Their age, their numbers. Some cards break the game by circumventing the rules and are banned. Some formats are hyper competitive and others are very casual. This makes the game very fun but also sometimes scary because your "kitchen table" deck getting steamrolled by someone's hyper tuned $1000 modern deck just sucks.

****And boy do I feel better about myself when I go to these. Because there is always someone weirder or fatter than me. But overall people are nice which is wonderful to see knowing how vocal some of the nastier elements of the community can be online. I would link to them but fear getting the troll on me and this master blog!

*****In theory you can play MTG with just the cards as they are. But, that is akin to child abuse in anything but the maddest player's eyes. You need to sleeve those cards. Would you have a phone without a case?!

******This is MJ vs Kobe VS Lebron level anger. Stay out to be safe. And its John Finkel! JOHNNY FUCKING MAGIC!

^Started going nuts with the stars. I am very lucky in life. I don't have some horrible disease. My kids don't. I was born in the United States in a post world war and post cold war ear of relative peace and prosperity. I had a privileged education and it allows me to code switch so i get all the benefits of being a straight, white guy even though I am only 2 of those things. And I have a family, a house, time and money to spend on MTG, a super smart sexy wife who supports all this with infinite patience, and a decent job with people who honestly appreciate me. And that job has a ton of smart people who make me better. And that job also has a ton of super good looking people at it! I am living my best life indeed. This really is just a game guys.

^^Some Pros who did not make Day 2 of the Pro Tour signed up for the GP main event. Which is terrifying because I saw Luis Scott Vargas, Gaby Spartz, and Gerard Fabiano! Imagine you signed up for a pick up basketball game at the Y and you can randomly be paired against Lebron James.Except you had to pay for the pleasure of your guaranteed loss!

Choose Your Meme

I am awful at visually expressing myself. Have horrible hand writing so drawings are even bigger jokes. This also applies to making any digital. I mean, look at this blog.

Oh, I loathe making PowerPoints. It's amateur hour for sure. Peak of my power is bulleted lists and alternating colors in those bulleted lists. High contrast like in kids nursery toys! Eh!? Maybe I will get wild and use a non-premade color scheme albeit I always end up recreating one of those gunmetal grey ones with the three bold accent colors.

Cordite gray with lime green, zephyr sky, and fire engine red.

Or what I call "urban camo" with a black and white base with big flashes of sunshine yellow and royal purple. Maybe a bit of red also. The kind of camo you would wear if trying to keep low in say an animation storyboard.

Giving power points I'm fine with. I learned not to read from the slides early on and I am always joking. Funny? Well depends on the listener but bot afraid of public speaking. Good at it? Again...depends but yeah lets go. Give me the soapbox. I got lots to say! I got a blog.

Recently I made a PowerPoint for work and used a ton of memes. One on each slide. I love internet memes since they are an in joke we can all get in on. The Rent is too Damn High guy, Bad Luck Brain, Overly Attached Girlfriend, etc all work regardless if the gag is about dishwashers or doctors. 

Except for this PowerPoint I was told to cut some memes. 

"They wont get it"

Well...whats wrong with them, then?! My heart broke! 😭

I used this meme below which I was super proud of because its SM and uses the "computering" gag I often use at work

"I don't know who she is"

WTF?! 💔

"Oh yeah I think I've seen that but always in a sexy way"

Well...the Internet is a thing so you got me there. 

Also had to cut this one...

Which I had planned to use as part of my table of contents. Because its a slideshow about selecting your IT provider and yeah maybe it needs just a bit of punch. 

But...I live to server and they are right and why they get paid the big bucks. I should read the room and leave the inanity to this little tiny piece of the web. A good reminder, however, that Twitter isn't the real world. Which is good because Twitter can be damn awful but its also a place where I feel that much truer. 

Ready Player One

I had never read Ready Player One. It was one of those books that it seemed everyone had read and had strong opinions on but I had missed. In college that books was Perks of Being a Wallflower, which I still have not read.

When the movie came out, all this seemed to come to a boil especially on my Twitter feed. That is where I spend an unhealthy amount of time. And people either LOVED IT or HATED IT. And I was surprised by how much hate it got from people I consider "geeky." Wasn't this our jam?

Quick summary...in the not too distant semi post-apocalyptic future people are able to access a hyper realistic online VR "game" called the Oasis. Like the world wide web today it is a major center of business, life, and education and people interface in realistic avatars they craft. It both mirrors and defracts the "real" world which many try to escape this way. The creator of this system, a paint by numbers lonely genius, creates a contest to find a hidden treasure (The Egg), which would grant control of the Oasis and untold wealth. Our plucky hero (paint by numbers gamer nerd) is thrust into this world spanning battle in which he makes friends and fights a sinister corporation. And lots of pop culture references. Lots.

Like, I make pop culture references in work emails. Or in jokes or little asides. I'll end work emails with actual foot notes explaining jokes or re-occurring characters and instances. Big hits include wisdom from my mom, who are fave teachers, growing up in the Godless country that is Puerto Rico, ley lines, being a mech pilot, and yeah pop culture references. Lots of memes. I just had a Twitter post go viral where I asked someone what stats and buffs a bone whip (See it on Twitter @garikapc) granted. And yes...I too am shocked that I am married with children.

Ready Player One lays them on thick. These are Patrick Bateman-esque monologues usually saved for Huey Lewis and the News. And I like those bits in American Psycho! And if you get these (I am maybe 5 years too young to really squee out about these. So my squee levels were 8 out of 10 but I think a very old Millenial or young Gen X'er would be 11 out of 10. (If you don't get this think of how hyped you were for the timely/world building touches in Stranger Things)

And this is something that I remember people on Twitter either loving or hating. Its awesome! It's derivative. It gives me the nostalgic feels! C'mon up with something new!

You need to understand that everyone is 80's pop culture obsessed in this world because the creator of the OASIS (and the contest) was. And there is billions of dollar on the line so yeah we are going to have a PacMan scholar and people reciting War Games from memory. Lot of Dungeons and Dragons references (No Magic, which I found odd since other non 80s geek touchstones are. There is a Firefly/Serenity reference for maximum geekery credit! C'mon!

Oddly enough, with all the DND none of the best DND jokes with are the characters alignments and die roll jokes.  "I am going to have to roll a natural 20 on this charisma check if we want our boss to believe I was just kidding on my Facebook post yesterday!"

"That cute girl at work. OH Fuck she saw me looking at her. Going to have to roll for stealth check. NO whammy!"

This is a book about a world that literally is a video game and I have referenced how I think life as one big video game. And, for some reason, the part I liked about the books was everything that wasn't the game. Because I get that the world sucks (per the narrator) but never really sure how. Yeah they are poor and lonely but there seem to be "haves" in the world. And others just getting by so a bit more of that was cool. I found the most telling parts where the hero, Wade, meets his friends and enemies in the real world and how expectations are challenged then. A real nice scene when he meets his online best friend in real life.

The geeky stuff, like when he is picking which ship to fly to or the buffs his gear gives him, these are neat but that is my life yo so thanks but I got my own daydreams.

And, that brings me to my only quirk with the book. For how much these characters imbibe everything geeky (It literally is how they can survive) there is nothing new. Everything is a reference or a cameo. And yes, I have dreamed about driving the OG Gundam and mow down Zakus in it but I have also dreamed and doodled my own mechs. Why don't these characters? I wanted more of that world building and felt that ran a bit hollow. I get that their shtick is loving the 80s so much that it is their entire world but you can't tell me they have come up with something original. How cool would it have been for Wade to save the day with an original creation. Something no one in the OASIS could see coming. Can you imagine that. The bad guys are fucking Unicron and they have beat every Transformers in the canon (even rare Japanese only releases!) and then Wade comes up with his own machine and saves the day. That would be cool!

The book is true to its world, however, so I can't begrudge too much. The final battles involve knowing the nuances of classic arcade games so well that if you spent even a minute coming up with your own little game you would likely lose. And I billions was riding on it you know I would go hard on Joust. I just know anyone that deep into geekiness or DND would love to create their own characters and not just copy someone else.

Some quick closing hits

• A female heroine character named Artemis. How original...I do like that Wade calls her Arty, however.
• Surprised no Rocky, Rambo, or 80s horror slasher made it in. Or Dune! Dune always gets shafted on these geek compendiums.
• The focal point of the world seems to be Columbus, OH. I've been there.
• Surprised there has been no sequel even with the huge sequel bait we get. It literally is a scene where someone says not to push a button or the world will end. Something out of the Lego Movie levels of self awareness.
• Hey I love...well, even for me...I mean...err...the little ditty on masturbating was cringey. We get it, OK!? No one would put that in their magnum opus unless they self published it. Which maybe they did but the universe treats this book with the same omnipresence as Gideon Bibles.

A neat little book. Worth a read especially if you are even casually geeky.  And, no I have not seen the movie but that is coming. Get hyped for that post, porn bots!

Keto

I am on day 3 of a "diet" where I try to limit how much bread and refined sugar. The title says keto but I really dont have the patience or budget for that. So it's low carb but paced. Its making it so I can eat "bad" foods when they organically come up. Family dinners. After work events. When the kids don't finish all their fries!
I work at a school so cookies and cupcakes are common in shared spaces. So, eating a random cupcake here then a ton of pizza at home is no good. It takes the edge off the bad dinner if I don't eat that office cupcake.

And boy does this suck. I don't eat much during the day. Breakfast is rare. A sip of coffee and 2 or 3 sparking waters. Then nothing until maybe 12noon when maybe sneak a fruit cup from the kitchen. I used to eat the leftover lunches but my team has become so good at ordering that we knife edge these lunch services with inventory out of Six Sigma blackbelts.

So I get home around 5pm and I am a wreck em hungry. And I want all the carbs! Let's fucking go my bready boys!

A favorite stress food is "tacos de Sal" which is a tortilla grilled in a frying pan with butter and salt. It is heaven and it is awful for you. So I don't fire off 2 of those and just annihilate them on the counter. That way when the kids come home and say "hey lets get pizza" I don't feel as bad.

I should really eat lunch and snack but I have yet to. So I get home and I go crazy on non breads. Give me those cheeseticks and salami! Lunchbox peppers, rarrgh LETS GO! Eggs, lots of eggs. Raw broccoli, lets go! My arteries are slowly dying for sure. My kids lunchboxes are also taking a heavy hit in their available inventory.