Long Weekends

This post is a bit dark. It's a digital pity party shouted into the void. I don't have any meaningful connections and no one reads these. The metrics on the admin dashboard will say a single person did. The page views with their one cyclops eyes but I bet that is just ingrained into the software to make one feel better.

That all said that if somone does read this then that is the content warning. It's all quite pathetic beyond here.

I hate long weekends. I rather be working,  having some degree of validation made in the office. Sometimes I think of any professional exchange as this big game of tennis. And I'm slamming back each ball asap only to wait for a return. And often that return never happens or is weeks late, this time table only exacerbated by the long weekend. 

I need an answer back from a vendor and they left early for the holiday weekend. Everyone else unplugs and I'm left trying to sneak in work or just diving right into it during a rare moment of the kids being at peace.

I hate long weekends beacuse its more time for my kids to prowl around and look for conflict. My son is a deep well of rage and he will meltdown for hours in his room screaming while the rest of the family tries to pretend this isn't happening. A house full of toys and games and the option always is to fight or rage. At work I could let the teachers handle it for just eight hours and then get a nice email saying how they mostly held it together.

What makes me feel better is checking stuff off the list. Long weekends nudge this. Really should clean the garage. Get your hair cut. Organize that shelf. This on top of the usual weekend get stuff done like the Sunday blues piles of laundry. So I flit between these tasks and just find more and more until I say fuck it and just lay down on the couch. I rather work so there is so grater fulfillment or mission

I develop unhealthy infatuations at work that align any sense of my self to said crushes responses. My current job is my longest running and also one with most coworkers so these are numerous albeit they ebb save for two long running  colleagues. So , I rather work so I have some excuse to message them and then segue to sharing a meme or reminding them how awesome they are and/or how shitty this place is, am I right?! So desperate for dopamine that just getting a like on the all office Slack sends me briefly away from the shady sunken place. I'll find reasons to message them over the weekend to feel soemthing and then hate myself due to interrupting what I assume are fabulous lives.

I'm only as good as how not good others are and this will all be exposed one day so I work to build some insurance.

He really did suck but he did close the support tickers quickly, I guess.