Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts

Monday, December 14, 2009

The Gift From Hell

If you have followed my various blogs and their evolution then I have two things to say to you. First is thanks and the second is...I'm sorry.

In earlier blogs posts, I tended to rant and violate a cardinal rule of "Never say anything you would not say to that person's face." I quickly wised up and moved to my current style of random posts.

However, I must rant today. In preparation for the holidays I will blog about the number one gift from hell...



LONG SLEEVED POLO SHIRTS!

AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

Long sleeved polos are beyond dumb. I am far from a fashionista, but I do know that polo shirts are also known as "golf shirts." Upon doing some more research, I also learned that they are sometimes called "tennis shirts" and were initially designed by Rene Lacoste, a famous French tennis pro who was also pretty keen on alligators.

Golf and tennis are outdoor sports that are usually played in the warm weather. Hence, the short sleeves. The whole concept of a polo shirt was designed as a nice, sport, semi-casual shirt for the warm weather! Why put sleeves on it? Should you be wearing a polo shirt in the winter? Are you playing tennis in the blizzard. The golf course in Trumansburg, NY had a winter golfing session. As a joke! If you want a collared shirt with long sleeves then get a button up shirt. Who cares if the collar is popped if you have to layer up over it?

Putting sleeves on a long sleeved polo is akin to inveting winter sandals or the Alaskan hula skirt. Makes no sense. I would argue that it isn't even witty or postmodern because they look just plain dumb.

My disdain for the shirts is compounded by the fact that my family always gets me one for Christmas. And in hideous colors like Whitehead Beige or Pothole Charcoal. God bless my sainted mother. She thinks that anywhere place in the United States, besides Florida, is locked in a perpetual deep freeze and that we have no stores in which to buy clothes. She always asks me if we have Marshalls, Macy's or JC Penny up here. Yes, mom. Where do you think those stores came from? Certainly not San Juan.

My grandmother, rest her soul, thought that it was so cold and backwards up here in the mainland that we had no running water and had to resort to rubbing wet, hot rocks over ourselves to bathe during the endless winter. Mind you that she lived in Mayaguez, PR, which, don't worry, you should have never heard of.

I really hope that you don't get a long sleeved polo for the holidays.

Peace!

Friday, December 11, 2009

Life Lessons from Jason DeRulo

One of the latest, hit songs not only guides young men out of infidelity, but also on how to get out of any sticky situation! Just remember that...

"Cause when the roof caved in and the truth came out I just didn't know what to do But when I become a star we'll be living so large I'll do anything for you..."



Check it out in several sample situations..

Situation 1

An example in the workplace...Beluga Heights!
Boss: "Johnson! Why wasn't the toner in the copier refilled? I just ran out in the middle of copying a 100 page file."

Our subject: "Cause when the roof caved in and the truth came out I just didn't know what to do But when I become a star we'll be living so large I'll do anything for you..."

What our subject really means: "Sorry boss. I was wrapped up in some paperwork and forgot. But when I get that promotion, I will get someone to be on 24/7 toner patrol. Or order Xerox to make a toner less copier."

Boss: "Oh, OK."

Situation 2

An example at home...Take it away Jason!

Wife: "Damnit! Why didn't you take out the garbage? The dog got into it and spread it all over the kitchen floor."

Subject: "Cause when the roof caved in and the truth came out I just didn't know what to do But when I become a star we'll be living so large I'll do anything for you..."

What our subject really means: "Sorry baby. The game was on and we were still ten minutes until halftime. However, once I get my government check I'll make sure to get us a maid. And I'll get rid of the dog."

Wife: "Oh, OK. I love you."

Take a note from the hit show Glee and sing everything.

Also, our researchers have found that Lady Gaga's "Paparazzi" is helpful in getting out of awkward holiday moments like you re gifted someone's gift back to themselves or you make a face when getting another long sleeved polo from your family. Just tell them...

"I'm your biggest fan, I'll follow you until you love me
Papa, paparazzi
Baby, there's no other superstar, you know that I'll be
Papa, paparazzi





Sunday Morning

 My father was not a man of faith That is something I stole from him, that phrase I use to politely defuse the handsome couple at my door on...