Holiday Returns

Happy New Year 2010!

Sorry for being AWOL for that odd time between X-mas and New Year's Day. That whole week always seems very surreal, as if the whole world were still working on bought time. Many people are still on vacation and the kids are not in school. Consumers shuffle around returns and pick up accessories for the gifts they did keep. Everything seems to be happening while we are waiting for the snooze button to go off at midnight New Year's Eve.

Aside from all that holiday ennui, I have also been busy with all our Christmas gifts! WOO HOO!

And after many years of watching video game play uploads on You Tube, I can now say that we have WAY TO MANY VIDEO GAMES in the house.

Amanda's parents got us a Wii and Wii Sports! And a Wii Fit! Then we bought Mario Kart Wii and Super Smash Brother Brawl!

I would say that my thumbs hurt, but because it is a Wii, that means my whole damn body hurts. I know that leaning forward on the Wiimote does not give you a speed boost in Mario Kart, but hell if I won't try when I have everyone behind gunning for me with every kind of shell. Wii Sports reminds me I never learned how to follow through on my baseball swing, but I am happy that I do not let go of the remote, which always happened to me with the real bat. High school gym class was a lot of fun...

Nothing like having a video game machine prove to you how out of shape you are. After the first day on the Wii Fit, I was so sore that I thought I had just fought Ivan Drago. I am getting better and already cut my Wii Fit age from 41 (Oy vey!) to 21 (Hello ladies! Look how good I am at Rhythm Boxing!). My weight keeps zigzagging up and down the graph, which I attest more to variables like body hair and recent bowel movements. Hell yeah, I'm getting skinny. Well, maybe...

It told me I was fat...

More stories on our video game adventures later in the week.

Peace!

Think of the Trees!

I enjoy houseplants. I use that verb, "enjoy," because I appreciate the interactions they offer. These are often something that the individual must actively seek out. They are plants, after all. But these moments, like watching our philodendron furl open a new and glossy leaf, can be very rewarding. I even enjoy my aquarium plants and how the Amazonian Sword has burst from the gravel so that its emerald leaves mimic the arch of an oil strike.

I have blogged about house plants before, so I feel this holiday PSA is both very helpful and pertinent.

Please, if you are tempted to buy a Norfolk Island Pine this Christmas, then do some research. Walgreen's sells six inch saplings by the checkout counter and they are decked out for Christmas with foiled line plastic pots and a half dozen tiny ornaments. And all for $6.99! Home Depot has two foot tall trees spray painted with glitter (Just like Britney Spears!) for just $9.99!

Yes, it is Christmas time. Yes, it has pine its name. But the thing hates the cold. I found that out the hard way after I killed my first Norfolk Island Pine after hauling it across the IC campus in the late December chill. And at night. I thought it could handle the cold for just those few minutes because it was a "pine." Why should it have a harder time than a Douglas Fir? Well...it did and the person who babysat it for me over winter break reported those early signs of atrophy and eventual death.

I really want to have a big Norfolk Island Pine like the ones you see in a waiting room. As a tropical plant, it has been exported around the world as an ornamental. I am still unsure about their ecological impact on a non-native ecosystem, but on a personal level they left vivid images of watching our neighbor's sixty foot pine tower over their cement bungalow. The prickly leaves of the younger trees tighten up as they get older and each long leaf becomes a braided green strand with the luster of snake skin.

Unfortunately, I have had horrible luck with my various Norfolks. We have had so many plants that we have brought back from the edge. We saved a coffee tree that someone left over night during the first Cleveland frost! But, I, and only I, often kill Norfolks in a few years. The leaves begin to calcify at the stem and convert from a bright green to a mineral green the color of chalkboards. This hardening spreads up the leaf, leaving the tips still glossy as the disease spreads up the leaf. Too much light? Too little? Too much water? Too little? I do not know as I have tried everything and combed the Internet. Maybe one day I will succeed, but I am taking it easy for now.

The Norfolks you see marketed along with the rest of the holiday merchandise are long lived trees that represent decades of nursery growth. You see that dirt they come in? That means they are supposed to live for a while and not end up on the curb on January 2nd. Indeed, you can use them as an alternative Christmas tree, but remember that you are going to keep it.

Peace!

The Gift From Hell

If you have followed my various blogs and their evolution then I have two things to say to you. First is thanks and the second is...I'm sorry.

In earlier blogs posts, I tended to rant and violate a cardinal rule of "Never say anything you would not say to that person's face." I quickly wised up and moved to my current style of random posts.

However, I must rant today. In preparation for the holidays I will blog about the number one gift from hell...

LONG SLEEVED POLO SHIRTS!

AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

Long sleeved polos are beyond dumb. I am far from a fashionista, but I do know that polo shirts are also known as "golf shirts." Upon doing some more research, I also learned that they are sometimes called "tennis shirts" and were initially designed by Rene Lacoste, a famous French tennis pro who was also pretty keen on alligators.

Golf and tennis are outdoor sports that are usually played in the warm weather. Hence, the short sleeves. The whole concept of a polo shirt was designed as a nice, sport, semi-casual shirt for the warm weather! Why put sleeves on it? Should you be wearing a polo shirt in the winter? Are you playing tennis in the blizzard. The golf course in Trumansburg, NY had a winter golfing session. As a joke! If you want a collared shirt with long sleeves then get a button up shirt. Who cares if the collar is popped if you have to layer up over it?

Putting sleeves on a long sleeved polo is akin to inveting winter sandals or the Alaskan hula skirt. Makes no sense. I would argue that it isn't even witty or postmodern because they look just plain dumb.

My disdain for the shirts is compounded by the fact that my family always gets me one for Christmas. And in hideous colors like Whitehead Beige or Pothole Charcoal. God bless my sainted mother. She thinks that anywhere place in the United States, besides Florida, is locked in a perpetual deep freeze and that we have no stores in which to buy clothes. She always asks me if we have Marshalls, Macy's or JC Penny up here. Yes, mom. Where do you think those stores came from? Certainly not San Juan.

My grandmother, rest her soul, thought that it was so cold and backwards up here in the mainland that we had no running water and had to resort to rubbing wet, hot rocks over ourselves to bathe during the endless winter. Mind you that she lived in Mayaguez, PR, which, don't worry, you should have never heard of.

I really hope that you don't get a long sleeved polo for the holidays.

Peace!

A Tree

Amanda and I put up our Christmas tree earlier this week. I will not post any images because it is still a bit bare. We have never put up a Christmas tree before and considering that, our ornament supply was limited to just five. And two of them were a pair of those styrofoam balls covered in gold cloth. The fabric had started to fray on one of them and, in usual fashion, I had found them in the garbage.

We also got a rosemary Christmas tree from Amanda's parents. Ours looks a lot like the one below:Pretty cool! I hope we can keep it throughout the winter. If so, then I am going to be putting enough rosemary on enough food to make Macaroni Grill jealous. Most of the food will be microwaved veggie burgers and toast, but it will be served Italian style. Mange! Mange!

During the blog's hiatus, I managed to write an article about sustainable Christmas trees for Lucy magazine. Lucy was an online, alternative woman's magazine that acted as a sort of counter-Cosmo with articles on health, life, politics, and art. It unfortunately folded soon after I joined, but the staff and articles were very diverse and engaged. The archives are still up for you reading pleasure. Check out my tree article!

Peace!

Chia Christmas Countdown Day 14 (I think)

I should give up on trying to keep track on these days. However, the Chia tree has yet to give up.

The mature seedlings have sprouted out and become leggy tendrils. Just like any other plant, they follow the sun and curve as necessary. Other seeds are still just sprouting and try to establish themselves amongst their taller brethren. I rotate the tree every other day to help it give an even look, but that might be a futile exercise. Who knew Chias were so much upkeep. Deceptive commercials make it seem like a permanent mantle piece that keeps level and even all the time.

If you can't believe classic commercials then who can you trust. Do you need to take your pet rock to the vet? I already know how hard it is to coerce your slinky down a flight of stairs. Maybe because mine were never carpeted like on the ads.

Peace!

Chia Christmas Countdown Day 10

What am I supposed to do now that it sprouted? I'll let you know when something crazy happens, like it evolves! Or when it looks like the Chia on the side of the box.

Peace

Chia Christmas Countdown Day 9 (I Think)

SUCCESS! Take a look.



Amanda and I returned from our weekend trip and the tree had survived the weekend and sprouted.

The picture shows a patchy tree and I am still waiting to vindicate those commercials that feature Chia growth more akin to Astroturf. The very top lip and bottom edges are the worse, but we do have some sprouts coming from the very bottom of the tree. Below the bottom of the lower branches (i.e. layer of terracotta), where I imagine they slid down from the upper grooves. Really bare spots are still patches of goo and particularly bushy spots are the products of multiple seeds piled on top of each other.

But we have have some growing from the inside out! They sprout up from the very top lip and out the opening where the star goes. We reuse the water that transpires into the drip tray and there must have been some loose seeds in the mix.

All this Chia maintenance makes me think of anatomical analogies. Chia pets are ripe for TWSS gags. I wonder why they haven't been incorporated into an episode of The Office yet. Million dollar idea!?

Peace!

Chai Christmas Countdown Day 4

Success! We have sprouts! Take a look.


Well, the picture is not the best quality, but all those little white dots are sprouts. I feel like a I am back in third grade and the kidney bean I planted in a plastic cup has split open. Life!

Little cotyledons are coming up from the grooves. I hope for some actual green before Amanda and I leave town for the weekend. Don't worry. I will have updates as soon as I return and will put up some non Chia related posts via Blogger's time release feature.

Peace!

Chia Christmas Countdown Day 3

All quiet on the Chia front.

I removed the star from the top because I had no reason to light up the tree. Once we get some sprouts, I will turn it on and ring in the season Chia style.

Peace

Chia Christmas Countdown Day 2

It is the second day for our little Chia tree and it still looks like a science experiment. Of course, I did not expect any growth by the second day (The box predicts 3 to 5 days), but something besides a mess would have been nice.

No need for pictures because of the lack of change. I did mist it a few times yesterday* and spraying your terracotta doodad with a spray of water makes you feel like a real winner. I imagine this is what mushroom farming feels like except without the eventual dinner. Not that I have put eating Chia sprouts beyond me. I will do it for the Christmas countdown.

I already did so for the leftover seed gel. The package is not kidding around when it says you will not need all of the seeds. We, indeed, used as directed and still ended up with a good three teaspoons of the gel. What else to Chia besides the lining of me esophagus? Nothing horrible or great tasting right there, however. They slid down all slimy like and I was once again reminded of eating a passion fruit. I suggest you try one if eating Chia gel is not up your alley. I would describe the sampling as eating watery Jell-O with kiwi seeds dislodged from the embedded fruit

More updates to come. Peace!

*There is a one day delay on these pieces since I usually write them late at night. Hence, Day 2 was actually Tuesday, December 9, 2008.

Chia Christmas Countdown Day 1

First comes the setup.

I defaulted back into the same mentality I used while building Legos as a kid. My father had this obsessive compulsive habit of arranging all the pieces by shape, size, and color before building. It made them easier to find, but it took longer for that damn rocket ship to come together. I usually turned to the box and worried over the neat accessories like the helmets and little walkie talkies. When I did build, I would dig for the pieces in the box and whittle down the pile into a completed Lego.

The same happened with the Chia. The box said soak overnight. What!? It is my personal theory that nothing originally marketed on TV should have the word "overnight" in its instructions. That baby better work as soon as it gets home, because I waited 6 to 8 weeks of shipping. But then the instructions said soak for an hour. Whew! That is what I get for trusting the box. Legally binding arrangements are never printed on cardboard. That should have been my first clue.

Meanwhile, Amanda soaked the seeds. The Chia seeds (Salvia hispanica) look like tiny river stones and vary in how they switch from blue to white and then to granite. When wet, they release a gel like substance that binds them together. I originally thought this was a chemical additive, but it appears to be a natural property.

The wet seeds reminded me of passion fruit seeds which also come packed in an equally tenuous jelly cluster. We slather on gobs of the Chia gel onto the sculpture. That thing is no Thomas English Muffin and we had to guide the seeds into the grooves with out fingers. You had to get a rhythm down and stick to it. I had luck rotating the sculpture's base around my finger and letting the rotation spread everything around. Once completed, we ended up with a...slime tree.


Gravity started taking it to the thicker sections and the gel began to drip over the bottom edge. However, in a few minutes everything stabilized and we had our little alien hive. The thing looks like a pair of frogs humped on it, but I remain faithful that it will soon sprout.

The star is off in that picture, but it is pretty nifty. The color changing happens progressively and isn't manic like some sets of Christmas lights.

The drip tray takes a bit away from the wonder, but it is necessary. I will try removing it once the sprouts are fully grown. Either I would have beat the system or I will need a new TV. Either way, you win.

Day 1 complete. Peace!

Chia Christmas Countdown

The back is coming back to life and what better way to celebrate than with a Chia?

Yes, that Chia. The one available at Walgreens, Rite-Aid, CVS, and other fine retailers nationwide.

Amanda and I noticed this particular piece of Americana on TV the other night, and, damn does advertising work, because we immediately snatched one up at the local drugstore.

We got the Chia tree. It is basically a terracotta pine with grooves cut into the boughs. It includes a small opening at the top where you can slide a color changing LED star. We intend to use it as our Christmas tree and put teeny tiny presents underneath it. That saves us a ton of money. New buttons and safety pins all around!

The commercials (Ch-ch-ch-chia!) are forever etched into my brain. Chia Pets are made by the same guys that sell the Clapper, so they come with an advertising pedigree. If things keep going the way they are right now, you might not see an American car in a few generations. But there will always be Chias to pick up at the gas station or end of the supermarket aisle.

I did some research into them for this post and they are not just the product of an advertising wiz. They originate from a Mexican handicraft tradition where chia plant seeds are spread over clay figures. The grass that grows on the sculpture imitates fur and adds a bit of whimsy. Not too different from our setup, except for the marketing which produced a rare Mr. T Chia back in the A-Team hey days! Check it out here. You can watch his mohawk grow, but good luck trying to get him on an airplane.

What makes Chias so popular? Maybe it is the growth. Gardening is a popular hobby and even those without a green thumb might dabble with a houseplant or two. It is a knick knack, but the hint of life gives it some more authenticity. Here is something that should be cared for and not just left to collect dust. And there is the nostalgia factor as well. I was truly excited to setup my first Chia, feeling as if I were about to partake in an enduring tradition. This wasn't just a novelty item. It was part of the lexicon. I only needed my Pet Rock, Clapper, and Thigh Master to feel complete.



On to the experience. I will track the progress of our Chia tree on the blog throughout the holidays and see how this works out. Is it as easy as the commercials make it seem? Or is it a houseplant lite?

Peace.

Happy Holidays!

Amanda and I will be leaving town for the Christmas weekend soon, so I wanted to wish all two of you readers happy holiday season. Merry Christmas! Happy Chanukah! Happy Kwanzaa! Blessed Eid! HOORAY!


However, I do realize that I have blogged more frequently these past two weeks than in two months. Its been fun! Not going to say I have a great blogging groove, but, like Stella, I got it back. If not, for just a few days. Want something to hold you over? Maybe you are a new reader and have yet to skim the archives!? Well here are some of my favorite posts!*

1) The Co-Op of Justice! When gangs, race riots, and Fay Gougakis threaten Ithaca, where will you turn!?

2) Heroes need villains, no?

3) The story that took five different forms. Started with a bunch of kids in a stream and now you get this...

4) We're an entire generation raised by women.

5) Except for several milestones at the newspaper (Being listed as a contributor, that first byline, that first angry letter to the editor, the first front page), as a wanna-be writer, this was my greatest moment. The parking lot of the Family Dollar never heard such a scream of glee!

Hope you enjoy them, and the holidays as well.


Of course, the animals are excited for Christmas. Dante already went to bed!

And all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not a pesky rabbit, not a seven-inch plecostomus, or even a piggy....

MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM FEAR OF THE BLANK PAGE!

PEACE!

*Yes, it's a greatest hits list. I have stooped that low.

Here Comes Santa Claus...

At risk of further distancing myself from the Ithaca intelligista...I have to say that I always took critiques of the Bush junta creating a modern theocracy lightly. I understand the impact religious voters had on the 2004 election, but claims of theocracy seemed a bit too heavy-handed, much in the same vein as when Republicans call Democrats "Marxists." Getting a bit overboard, aren't we boys?

Also, after reading God's Politics by Jim Wallis, I realized that when it comes to religion and politics, both sides need to give up some ground. However, I just learned about this recent House Resolution.

DIOS MIO! A DONDE SE FUE LA CONSTITUCION DE LOS ESTADOS UNIDOS!?

Such are the levels of crazy in House Resolution 847! It makes me break out into Spanish like some Saturday morning cartoon character. Porque Miguel Arcuri!? POR QUE!?

I understand bits of the language in the resolution.

"(1) recognizes the Christian faith as one of the great religions of the world;
Yes. Quite true.

(2) expresses continued support for Christians in the United States and worldwide;

Not a bad thing. Hang on me brother...

(3) acknowledges the international religious and historical importance of Christmas and the Christian faith;

Yes, true again. The Crusades gave us algebra, stolen from the Muslims, but algebra none the less! Mendel was a Franciscan monk! Ceiling of the Sistine Chapel looks great!

(4) acknowledges and supports the role played by Christians and Christianity in the founding of the United States and in the formation of the western civilization;

True. Religious fervor whipped up many an explorer and colonist to the Americas. Some more than others...

(5) rejects bigotry and persecution directed against Christians, both in the United States and worldwide; and

I agree, no one should be persecuted for their beliefs. It's kind of a duh idea.

(6) expresses its deepest respect to American Christians and Christians throughout the world.

See 5

All wonderful points, but the resolution still strikes me as kind of creepy. Imagine the precedent set by a resolution that so mingles religion and government. It's basically a big endorsement!

Christianity: USA APPROVED!

I realize the bill, introduced by Representative Steve King (R-Iowa) is a lot of fluff designed to appease those on the religious right that continue to say us Godless savages wage a war against Christmas. Such is the genius of the religious right. Try proving a negative? Even without the "God did it!" trump card, the religious right can continue to perpetuate the assertion that Christmas is dying. Every "Happy Holidays!" is interpreted as an attack against Jesus, instead of the jovial sentiment actually intended. Every mention of Hannukah, Kwanzaa, Eid, or the winter solstice constitutes blasphemy brought on by politically correct ninnies. Never mind someone might actually want to learn about other cultures.

The resolution mentions that there are "225,000,000 Christians in the United States, making Christianity the religion of over three-fourths of the American population," With such high numbers, how can there be a war on Christmas?

I don't think there is going to be very much fallout from the resolution. While skirting the boundaries of our constitutional republic and emboldening the supposed battle over Christmas, it doesn't destroy the Constitution or the Bill of Rights. It's one thing to say "Gee, isn't Christmas great!" and another to say "It's Jesus or Canada, buddy!" That will take many more microphone cuts on the O'Reilly Factor!

Actually, the resolution is quite laughable when you consider Congress passed a bill saying that Christmas was indeed important to Christians. Next up, water is wet and 2 + 2 = 4!

Peace!

I promise

The whole point of this blog is that I want to get myself writing. However, sometimes I do scribble stuff down outside of the blog and that happened today. So I did write a nice little exercise in one of my journals while at work. So, there, I did write something today and kept the groove going. Trust me. I don't see the point in reproducing here on the blog as I should just focus on some new snippets and pieces. I am trying to get together a decent collection of flash fiction pieces as an imaginary book-project. More on that later.

But you must get something for checking out the blog, right?

Well here i it comes...

A PREVIEW!

Yes! Because Fear of the Blank Page is ripping up the bandwith I am going to give you something to titilate and excite before the actual post! Just like the summer movie season! It's not coping out. Just look at the title of the post. I promise its not coping out. Anyway...

For Christmas my lovely girlfriend Amanda and her lovely family gave me a PSP. Let me tell you it is one fine piece of machinery and with two GTA games on i I am kind of glad I am only half-employed. Since they (Amanda and her folks, that is) are extra cool they got me the PSP entertainment pack, which brought a game, movie, and memory stick. So I will submit myself to that very UMD movie that came with the PSP for an upcoming feature...

MOVIES I FELT OBLIGED TO SEE!

Make sure to keep checking back as this feature might be one time only. So until then await the Fear of the Blank Page's review of...

Gnarly! PEACE!

Holiday Hiatus

Sorry for the two legitimate hiatuses, but I am off to Cleveland, OH to spend Christmas with my lovely girlfriend Amanda and her equally lovely family! No time for blogging there! Only time for fun! Not that blogging isn't fun.

Posting pictures of Daredevil kicking someone in the head?
Mad fun!

All the excitement of Books and Movies (They shall make their second return) I Should Have Already Read/Seem?
Mad fun!

Trying to think up sets of three for everything?
Mad..frustra...err...I mean fun. And pure comic gold.

I leave you with this special holiday themed picture!

Isn't that the fucking most adorable thing you have ever seen!? ISN'T IT!? Not even a panda cub with a Cupid-themed bow and arrow can topple the sheer cute factor of Carson J. Rabbit! Pretty much the greatest Christmas image you'll see outside of a DC Holiday special. Well, except for that bag of garbage in the background. Damn it!Anyway...

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM CARSON RABBIT AND ALL OF US HERE AT FEAR OF THE BLANK PAGE!

Be back in town on December 26th 2006. Expect more after that day. Peace!