Unfortunately, George Carlin passed away last night in a Santa Monica, CA hospital of heart failure. A testament to his work ethic and comedic spirit, he had performed as recently as last weekend.
Of course, I am a fan. Even though I am too young to have ever seen the impact of his early days and the famous "Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television," he was legend and marked an important moment in my personal development.
In high school, my school participated in a public speaking tournament knows as forensics. Not CSI stuff, but competitive public speaking. The word "forensics" comes from the Latin root of "forum." It still confuses people to this day; they believe I spent high school chopping up bodies.
My school was never big into sports. No high school in PR is and my few bits of culture shock when coming to college included seeing local high school sport coverage in The Ithaca Journal.
But, the forensics team, that was another story. People were exited for this, especially because the team usually spent two days in the late spring semester running around the middle/high school and practicing their speeches in front of class rooms. Hey, we miss class, you miss class. Hooray!
I signed up late for forensics in the 10th grade. For a very shy and very fat Garik, public speaking proved a complete 180. My first speech was an oratory speech that won some prize in a 1957 Mississippi State Fair or something. Oratory was the driest category, akin to competitive final trial arguments. But you learned in that category and moved up to the comedy and drama speeches each class wanted you to give. In the 11th grade, the new forensics coach let me try my hand at comedy and assigned me a Carlin speech. I had never heard of the guy, but even without the swears (The competitions were judged mostly by nuns. I don't think you could have even gotten away with a "gosh darn!"), "Airport Security" proved a wonderful bit.
Of course, these were not my words, but when you take genius Carlin, even a 16 year-old's performance will knock them out. Well, not quite. I was an alternate that year. Kind of like special teams! Or a bench warmer. My first try at anything competitive and I got the most fitting position. Cosmic justice.
These speeches could change your identity for those five to seven minutes. One girl on our team had this drama piece about a mother watching her children starve. There was one line where she could not produce milk for her newborn because she was also hungry. Dark stuff and powerful delivery. I couldn't masturbate to that girl for weeks, always imagining her suffer over her fake children. And the other team mate with a Carlin piece? Well he just ramped up the energy and delivery. He ran for about every student council position (and still does today) and the exposure and practice of forensics made him all the better. And me? Well I never talked in high school and there I was saying how, "No, I did not pack my bags. Last night Carrot Top, Martha Stewart, and Florence Henderson made me a lovely Lobster Newburg and then packed my bags. They then each performed a deep tissue body massage on my back." In the actual bit, the threesome has a four way around the world fuck fest, but, remember those nuns.
That was the importance of Carlin to me. Imagine having an actual soundtrack to an important moment in you life like landing a dream job or winning the all state basketball tournament? All these moments for me had the Carlin soundtrack and I sought out his albums and books.
His acerbic pieces on the stupidity of humanity and organize religion will prove infinite because we will always look to those leaders and see there foibles, whether innocent or malicious. George Carlin angered many a square, prude, and busy-body. Of course, I don't agree with everything he sees ("I don't vote on election day. Never. I stay at home and jerk off because when I am done masturbating, I at least have something to show for it!") but comedians are comedians, not philosophers. While their bits can be scintillating and thought-provoking, they are still just jokes, and only being able to laugh at others always ruins a comedian's routine.
I had the pleasure of seeing Carlin live in Ithaca. In fact, Carlin always provided a respite to the near infinite stream of zydeco, blue grass, and drum bands that cycled through Ithaca. I learned about his gig when a discarded newspaper flew across the sidewalk and wrapped itself around my leg. I was standing in a bus shelter, trying to avoid the January cold and here was manna from heaven. Carlin!? Ithaca!? TOGETHER!? The routine consisted of older stuff, but my future roommate and I laughed it up, enjoying the fact that we related to what he was saying along with all the older fans. His final piece was a practice run for a bit for his (then) upcoming HBO special. I have to admit I did not like it. It concerned the end of the world and had Carlin focusing on a great universal whirlpool just swallowing up everything. At one point, he mentioned how he enjoyed watching large groups of people die and, while not true, it took me out of the moment.
Don't get me wrong, I like cranky Carlin. ("Lead, follow, or get out of the way! What is this Marine Corps bullshit? You know what I do? I obstruct!"), but goofy Carlin is the best. Sometimes I dream of being a comedian and I would be in the vein of Carlin-esque observation (with touches of MST3k, of course).
"How can you be, 'more than happy?' To me this sounds like a dangerous medical condition."
"What exactly is a deadly weapon? I mean, you could kill a man with the Sunday New York Times!"
"You ever notice how other people's stuff is shit and you shit is stuff? 'Hey! Get this shit out of the way so I can put down my stuff!'"
The goofier stuff is older Carlin. One particular favorite of mine is "The Interview with Jesus," where Carlin, playing Jesus, admits that not all the miracles were miracles.
"Some where optical illusions, tricks of light, and sleight of hand."
And what about Lazarus?
"Well I never said he was dead. I get misquoted alot on that one. I said, 'Man, he looks dead!' You see we had gone to a wedding feast the night before and Lazarus had too much to drink."
And Jesus' advice to humanity?
"Don't give your money to the church."
And my favorite Carlin joke of all time? Well, it is the title to this post.
"The following is a message from the National Apple Council...FUCK PEARS!"
Goodbye, Mr. Carlin. Thank you for giving us the 23 comedy albums, the four Grammys, three books, 14 HBO specials, and glee-inducing cameos (Dogma, Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, The Price of Tides, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, Cars, etc.). Holy shit, will you be missed!
Peace!
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