Another goodbye

I have tried my hand at blogging on and off for four years. Whether it was the original Blog of Plenty, the second Blog of Plenty, or Fear of the Blank Page, I always wanted to find a unique voice that would bring some readers. While I don't think myself as particularly vain, blogging is an inherently self-satisfying exercise and for those four years, I have been pretty much satisfying only myself.

Yes, I am officially closing Fear of the Blank Page.

I realize this is sudden and that I should have closed out on something better than the latest Sherlock Holmes movie, but I can realize that I don't have the blogging power. While the record may stand against it, I am not the person that likes to quit, but I can realize that my talents may not rest in snarky blogging. That includes both the craft and the patience to blog continuously. If you have a blog you follow routinely, then make sure to thank the blogger because it is tough to come up with thrice a week posts. Much less daily.

There are plenty of other places online where you can read funny movie reviews. Dave Campbell may be gone, but you can still find lots of great comics blogs, which also feature witty movie, book, and TV commentaries. If you want a good story, then check out your local library.

For anyone that read any of the blogs and their posts, thank you so much. I really appreciate your time and interest. I hope that maybe one of these blogs struck you in the same way as the websites that convinced me to put thought to HTML. Actually, that may be too much to ask, but I do hope you had some fun. I certainly did, but now is the time to put it to rest.

Peace!

Seeing More

Amanda and I saw Sherlock Holmes over the weekend and I must admit to liking it and not understanding the overall lukewarm reaction to it. Of course, if you have followed this blog over the past few weeks, then you must have noticed that I have lukewarm reactions to movies people absolutely love.



Maybe people expected too much from this movie and the crowd pleasing Robert Downey, Jr. Iron Man and Tropic Thunder were awesome and gained both commercial and critical praise. Of course he would do it with this one as well! It could also be that the film ends with pretty much a huge "To Be Continued." They don't put those cringe inducing words on screen, but the entire vehicle was just a setup for more movies. Look, I know Hollywood will turn everything into a trilogy. Want to start taking bets on what the third Alvin and The Chipmunks movie will be called? The Tweelogy? But, be a bit coy about it with fleeting celebrity interviews and a leaked early script draft leaked online.

I appreciated the movie's buddy cop theme and there was a nice chemistry between Downey's Sherlock and Jude Law's Watson. Sherlock had a tough time elucidating his apprehensions of Watson marrying and leaving the sleuthing business. For such a rational man capable of cracking cases by just reading the initial police report, this was a nice touch of humanity. I also appreciated that we got that fragility without some heavy handed pathos building scene where we flash back to Sherlock's parents being killed by a mugger outside the opera or dying in a climbing accident.

Don't know if this is very true to the actual relationship in the books. The older interpretations do make it seem like Watson is Sherlock's go-fer. I remember reading some of the Sherlock Holmes books when I was younger, but that is about it. I am not sure what purists feel about the movie, but, if it is like any other movie based on a cherished serial story, then I am going to say they are mad. The movie is very physical, with slow mo fight scenes that made one Internet commentator say it is Fight Club meets Victorian England. I don't mind a bit of action thrown in to spice up the gumshoeing, but they do sometimes feel inserted for the hell of it. Best example is an early battle where Watson and Holmes dispatch a band of brigands tasked with burning the evidence. You can almost hear the characters resist saying "Oh, here we go again" when the guys show up. The fight then continues for a few minutes, extending into a scene defined by the almost there feel of a Family Guy gag.

Speaking of inserting elements for the hell of it...why was Rachel McAdams in the movie? Not necessarily her (Got nothing against her), but her character seemed pointless. Not to give away any story elements, but her quasi romantic foil is meant to keep Holmes, whether via sincerity or deception, on the case. This would make sense in any other movie that wasn't about Sherlock Holmes.

The world's greatest detective needs someone to motivate him to stay on the case? The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, maybe? This also feels hollow because an early conversation reveals how Holmes is frustrated that there are no more intriguing cases.

All of this relegates McAdams to a very pretty face and an American connection to an otherwise very European story. Remember the Tom Sawyer character from The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen?

I liked the explanation at the end where Holmes elucidates on how the villain was able to do all his nefarious deeds. It's neat, albeit a bit muddled by the fact that no one could figure it out because all the clues are haphazardly placed. One scene fleetingly shows Holmes licking a rock, which features prominently in the villain's escape. Good luck trying to figure out what are clues and what are the quirky characteristic Downey puts into the Holmes persona. I thought he just licked rocks cause that was weird and we wanted weird.

Peace!

Save Coco!

While it is not unusual for the blog to talk about TV, it is unusual for the blog to discuss celebrity gossip. Not to sound too tweedy, but I do sometimes agree that debates on whether or not you are on "Team Edward" or "Team Jacob" can take away from the national discourse. Our local Fox affiliate kept referring to the Tiger Woods scandal as "the gift that keeps on giving," often leading with it at the five o'clock hour. It should have been labeled "Son of a bitch, here we go again," because it became ad nauseam especially when scant information was stretched into entire remote segments.

Roaming Reporter (RR): "Well Bill, We just saw someone with long, blond hair leave Tiger's house."

Studio: "Ah, so we can assume it was a woman."

RR: "Yes, that would be safe to say."

Studio: "And that means this person would have two X chromosomes."

RR: "Yes, correct. Because they may be a woman."

Studio: "A woman just left Tiger's house."

RR: "We can confirm that a possible woman with blond hair left the house."

It also helps that I don't care very much. I like lots of people on TV and in movies, but, unless Joel McHale actually came to my house and slept with my wife, then I care very little who he sleeps with. I hope he sticks with his wife, but if he meets some other women then too bad, but I hope the keep making The Soup.

Even with all this said, I must admit that I am pretty upset about the recent developments in late night network television.


It appears that Conan got the ultimate shaft and that Leno will return to the 11:30 pm timeslot currently held by The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien. We may still see Conan on NBC, but he will be pushed back to midnight. I have no idea what will happen to Jimmy Fallon or Carson Daly. I think the TV stops working at a certain part of the early AM.

I really hope Conan leaves NBC and take it to them on another network. He uprooted his whole life to move to L.A. and host the Tonight Show, something promised to him several years earlier, when we all thought Leno would bow out gracefully to go fiddle around with his cars. He is paying for the NBC's executives mistakes and Leno's stubbornness to leave the limelight. No one expected The Jay Leno Show to work, except for the folks at NBC who hailed it as an upcoming revolution in television. It is refreshing for them to be so upfront with their mistake, but Conan appears to be heading for a up close meeting with the underside of a bus.

I can't believe I just typed this, but, TMZ reports that Conan is "pissed." I tend to trust TMZ as much as a certain little boy that cried wolf, but they do their job well, and that job is to dig up dirt. I hope Conan is pissed and that the NBC execs now fear seeing a blazing red pompadour coming at them from across the hedges. La Bamba could play a trombone solo to prelude to the attack, much like the strings in Jaws.

Remember that Conan was already hamstrung by the fact that Leno would still lead into him. While Conan took over the mantle of The Tonight Show, Leno was never off the air, making the whole switch over seem fake. Except for Conan, who had to move cross country and face off against another veteran TV host, David Letterman. Everything was very real for him and now he is paying for the reality that....

1) Viewers do actually enjoy some drama at 10pm. I agree that there is enough CSI clones out there to solve the Zodiac killings, but their popularity says something. People watch them

And,

2) Jay Leno is not funny. I still believe he is a nice guy, even though his boorish behavior before and after the switchover stands testament against this, but not funny.

I know he has his fans and that he reels in the older Johnny Carson viewers still wondering who the hell this red haired guy is, but Leno has not made me laugh since I was 13. Supporters often point out how hilarious the Jaywalking and Headlines segments are. Indeed, they are funny, but Leno doesn't produce a single one of them. We laugh because he is telling us this is chuckle worthy, but he has no hand in making he funny. Just showing it. You don't give the MC the Lifetime Achievement award or the guy who throws out the first pitch a World Series ring. Hell, people send in the Headlines bits to him!

The original jokes are telegraphed from three junctions away with punchlines out of those "101 Knock Knock Joke" type books you see in the children's section of the library. His humor always felt very safe with a focus on reaffirming punchlines and images we expect.

If the joke mentions an intern, then Leno is going to wrap up with a Lewinsky reference. Yes, still. If the joke mentions a husband and wife then the man will be a dude's dude and the wife a hen pecking shrew. It it like the Far Side comic, where every image was a repeating trope, except Larson used it to create a world one panel at a time. Leno phones it in every night. Finally, the joke never seems to be on him. Maybe it says something about the comedies I watched growing up, but I want my comedian to be a bit self deprecating. Conan was my man when it came to this, especially since he recently referred to his abs as "The half empty laundry bag."

Conan's humor feels much more brainy and involved. His skits often created their own logic that they must adhere to. Of course, Conan had to retire the Masturbating Bear when he left for L.A. It made sense in New York at 12:30AM, but The Tonight Show was for all America and the Bear's reason for being was that he was an obtuse and hilarious nonsequitor. The running Triumph bits and the photo slide montages, my favorite from the Late Night era, where they all ended up dead, required an investment.

You watch Conan. You see Leno.

In the ensuing fallout of the shuffle, I have read Internet comments against Conan and in support of Jay. It must be a generational thing, because I have never meet anyone that dislikes Conan, but I can understand the critiques that he can ham it up in front of the camera and often switch into asides and inside jokes. When I like a show then I try to do everything I can to love it and shows with inside jokes and a running streak of healthy self deprecation are key. This is why I loved Arrested Development and it got shafted by Fox. And when is the third season of Flight of the Conchords coming? I notice a pattern...

Good luck, Conan! Please leave NBC. Now that Southland has gone to TNT then I only watch it for the Thursday night comedies, which the execs might replace with even more Leno. He is cheap to produce and it seems like most of American likes him. Just like high fructose corn syrup.

Peace!

Ouch

I sustained my third sports injury ever earlier this week. Much as this may surprise you, loyal blog readers, I did not strain my thigh making the last second three-pointer at the all city street ball championships. * And don't worry gym fans, every piece of equipment at the local Y is still in fine order. I think.

No, I hurt my inner thigh on the Wii Fit. The Lunge Strength Training routine to be specific. You can see a sample of that routine on the video below. Just fast forward to about the four minute mark.



I knew this would happen as soon as I got the Wii Fit and, to be honest, it is much better than punching through a window after overcompensating in Rhythm Kung Fu. Or doing something horrible to an ankle (shatter, twist, roll...you name it!) during the Step game. Or just plain dying during the Super Hula Hoop. I'm like Zoolander...an ambiturner that can't turn left.

Thankfully, I did not hear anything pop or crack, but sure as hell felt it for the rest of the week. Most steps felt like your little brother trying to punch you out. Sure, it doesn't hurt very much, but you don't want to take hundred punches in a row.

It feels much better now, not that I can attest that to any specific mending routine. Plenty of ibuprofen and "No, I'm fines."

My Wii injury ranks right up with my two previous sports injuries, one of which did not even involve sports.

That one?

Well, I pulled a neck muscle while working as a janitor during one summer in college. You try unscrewing three dozen light bulb covers, wiping all the dead gnats out of them, and then screwing them back into place...

Yeah...I know you could do it, but, c'mon, it was me. I had inproper light bulb screwing posture. There is a joke in there somewhere.

The other? That did involve an sport, even though some may debate it as an activity.

It happened during the 9th grade in a gym class kick ball game. If the Wii thinks I am fat now, then it would have blown up if it meet 14 year old Garik. I usually played in the outfield because that was the nice place for fat kids that did not run very well. When we played soccer, I was usually a defensemen and in volleyball folks prayed that the ball did not lob itself in our direction.

One kid smacked the rubber ball straight into the air and it arched in a nice rainbow floater path towards me in center field. I reached out my arms, but did not tense my forearm muscles enough because the ball slapped past my hand, rolling my fingers against the back of my palms.
My right middle finger took the brunt of the drop and I never really bothered to take proper care of it. I took a friend to the school cafeteria and asked for some ice. We got a Zip Lock bag and wrapped the ice filled bag around my finger. There you go!

Of course, the ice did not last past third period and the finger healed on its own by permanently arching the first finger joint up, forcing my finger tip to always slight dip down. Here is a picture, albeit a slightly blurry one...
My finger looks like a dromedary camel. I remember asking my pediatrician back then if this was bad and he said no, but that it did mean the wound had healed incorrectly.

War wounds. The ladies love them.

PEACE!






*Mind you it is January. The All City, Slip and Slush Stretball Championship. Brought to you by Morton's Rock Salt. Don't get too much of it on the ball.

Boo!

Boy, am I happy that I did not believe the hype and waited to see Paranormal Activity on DVD.

I remember the lesson of The Blair Witch Project well and refused to be reeled in by a clever advertising campaign and plenty of word of mouth. Tween-age Garik was very excited to watch that film and could not wait to see what many described as an true story filled with terror. A friend claimed that he had already seen the movie on a bootleg copy. Since this was 1999, it meant that the guy had to have a 64KB modem (LUCKY!) or associate with some shady characters. In any case, he was bad ass and told me the movie "just killed you with suspense."

Of course, Blair Witch was horrible and I was surprised to meet people in college legitimately scared by it. It is now close to eleven years past the movie, but it is the rare movie that is both lame and a pain to watch. Nothing happens and we have to see these doldrums through the same lens as the security camera at the first National Bank of San Andreas Fault.

***SPOILERS ABOUND BEYOND HERE****

I still give Blair Witch a well deserved nod for its slick advertising campaign, which spun the myth that this was all true via Time magazine cover stories, Sci-Fi network prime time specials, and false listings on IMDB, which reported all three actors were deceased. It wasn't the first to do so,* but it did it the best and the people who came up with it do deserve every bit of credit. You can draw a direct line from Blair Witch to Paranormal Activity, which Amanda and I rented on DVD this past weekend...

If you were one of the three people that did not hear about Paranormal Activity (PA) then...what was your secret? Did you have a very big rock? Or on an island? Our local ABC affiliate actually sent a reporter to watch it and later report on how scary it was. Indeed, News Net 5 is on our side. The hype was phenomenal and increased by the fact that PA got a limited release and fans had to demand that big movie chains carry it. In Cleveland, it was only available in one theater out in the eastern suburbs until about mid October. I was working at a Halloween store at the time (Yes, I am that cool) and this seemed to act as a crucible for the hype...

"These headless lawn stakes are nice. But you know what was scary. Paranormal Activity!"

One co-worker swore that it was a true story and was undaunted by the fact that it wasn't and all the actors were very much alive.

The plot? A young couple, Katie and Micah, are living together in a home that is haunted by something. Micah buys a state of the art camera to document whatever is happening and explain to the jittery Katie that everything is in her head. Or it is the damn neighbor kids. As the film continues we learn that it is not the neighbor kids and Katie herself if pursued by an evil force dedicated to its malevolent mission. Hilarity does not ensues, unless your sense of humor is kind of demonic. If so, then the movie is hilarious.

The movie is wonderfully made especially if the claims that it was made for just $10,000 in a frenzied seven day shoot are indeed true. Even if these were fudged for dramatic effect, you can tell that this did not have any major studio or a Michael Bay sized budget. It isn't because of poor quality, but because of honesty and clever effects. It says a lot when movie goes are terrified and moved by this sleeper film and universally pan digitally enhanced gore fests. If you hate that there will by 50 Saw films then you can take comfort that people can still be scared and impressed by movies like PA.

I appreciate the movie making, but the actual movie felt a bit boring with well executed but very much telegraphed scares. The movie keeps up the tension, but never acts on this except in the scenes it tells you are going to be scary. Remember the scene in Signs where you first see the alien? Well. here it is below...



That was an excellent scary scene that would have been put to good use in P.A. Instead of hearing the demon come running up the stairs and then be hit by the scare, imagine seeing a shadow loom over Katie and Micah as they fret over the lack of sleep in the kitchen.

The demon effects are done with a subtle, yet effective attention to detail that keeps us scared without every really showing the monster. The whole concept of having something invade you while you are in bed is what got to most people and I did appreciate the scene where it gets it bed with them and you can see the outline against the sheets? Imagine a scene where we just see a part of the mattress dip down as if someone is sitting on it. And that just plays out all night. No footsteps. It just shows up. And then it strokes Katie's hair for a creepy, perverted moment. They could do that, but first the demon is going to turn on the hall light (Really? Satan is afraid of the dark) so we know it is coming.

The movie is a victim of its own hype and further crippled by the fact that the trailer shows you the big scare. Very little actually happens in the freak out department and most of that comes at the very end. The end scenes provide the most trailer material which speaks to the fact that, indeed, not much happens. A movie that gives you a nice five second warning before each scare and already showed you the money has a hard time keeping you scared. Especially after all the hype. I imagine that if you saw this back in 2007 on the independent film circuit then the scares would have been heightened. Some European reviewers online have commented how their barrier from some of the hype helped intensify the scares. So, I guess the hype won even though I opened by saying I dodged it.

I did like the relationship between Katie and Micah. It felt honest and sincere, especially in the happy moments at the start and the terror at the end. I felt more pangs as they argued about what to do and in the moments where each was terrified for the other. Micah gives it his all as plays literal tug of war with the monster with Katie as the rope. There is also a scene where Katie has clutched a cross so tightly that it cuts into her hand and Micah has to left the near catatonic Katie to help. She also struggles to keep it all together as she can't explain why this being is attached to her and why it feels so threatened by Micah.

There are several scenes where they cry about having little sleep and how this is starting to effect their lives beyond the home. In the end, we learn that the monster has full control of Katie and uses her body to betray Micah and the relationship. These moments are also moving as Katie alternates between the brink of madness and eerie smiles.

There are several endings to PA and the relationship angle plays better into the alternate one offered in the U.S. DVD release. As a relationship movie, PA defies the hype by offering us a glimpse of what we many do if faced with such a situation. As a horror movie, it seems to stumble by letting you know when it is coming and relying on horror movie tropes we have already seen, albeit not as nicely executed.

Peace!

*No, that honor belongs to a truly awful movie called Cannibal Holocaust. Awful in the fact that is as close to a snuff film as you can get with actual animal slayings that include a turtle quartering and pig shooting. I have seen bits and pieces of online and savvy searchers could find the whole film. Its checkered production and distribution history also includes charges of brutality to the actual human actors and disproved claims of onscreen murder. Some critics have hailed it as revolutionary and brainy, but passing actual killings as entertainment cannot merit a defense even on this blog.

Medieval Acela

It wasn't all Wii games for us. Amanda was nice enough to get me The Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks for the Nintendo DS. My DS appreciated playing something else besides Pokemon and removing the Pearl cartridge must have felt like having that surgery on a benign tumor.

If you have never heard of the DS, then it is Nintendo's current handheld system and descendant of the original GameBoy. Aside from buttons, you have to use the bottom screen as a touch responsive component. So you can scratch off lotto tickets in Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars or choose menu options in the Pokemon games. You can draw images in other games and physically move the characters on the screen by dragging it across the touch pad. And as the name implies, it has two screen stacked on top of each other, which allows for two separate interfaces or a unified view of the larger action.

In this game, you use the touch screen to move our hero Link around. You can also give yourself a heart attack by playing the game's Spirt Flute, which requires you to actually blow into the DS's microphone opening. Having not played a Zelda game since Majora's Mask on the N64, I was not used to anything but a control stick. Spirit Tracks also takes a note from the previous sequels Wind Waker and Phat om Hourglass which all featured an overwold map dominated by water. You had to navigate this by ship, using your items and songs to control the wind. I never played those games, but from looking at images and videos it seemed bery similar to the other overworld maps where you got around by foot or horse.

Spirit Tracks does the same thing, but it has a train. Choo choo! The train has been a major sticking point with Zelda fanboys, which are just one level below Final Fantasy maniacs in fanatical devotion to their quasi-medieval worlds. The main concern is that the train is stupid because Zelda is supposed to be medieval and trains are a 19th century mainstay. If this were the Legend of Zelda: Steam Wars, then that would make sense, but these guys want realism. Realism in a game that features, amongst many other things...

• Androgynous, hairless mountain men that eat bombs for sustenance...
• Anthropomorphized acorns that defend themselves by spitting acorns...
• Barnyard chickens that can unleash the wrath of God...
• Enough enchanted instruments to fill two Vatican secret store rooms...
• Oh, and bombs. Makes as much "real" sense as a train, but we let that one go, right?
  

I am no Zelda maniac, but I do know that the games are filled with items and influences free of the medieval England feel they try to emulate. It has a boomerang, which would make perfect sense in The Legend of Zelda: Outback Odyssey. In that version you need to play the Heaven's Didgeridoo instead of this game's Spirit Flute. It has a spring loaded spiked hook that you can use to climb up surfaces. And some games have Bombchus, wind up bombs that can crawl up walls and look like Speedy Gonzalez after pounding a few Stackers. Where was that in Robin Hood?

When people get mad about story items in games, then I think they are primarily devoted to the idea and not the actual game play. It's like having a room devoted to Jesus, but never going to church because they installed a new PA system. Speaking of which...

With that said...I do not like the train. D'oh!

It is not a story thing, but a game play thing. You need to run all over the world looking for secrets and having to follow the set track makes the whole thing a real grind. You need to catch all the snow rabbits by the snow temple, but then you must return them to the Rabbit rescue in the Forest temple. You spend large portions of the game just chugging along. The few enemies on the tracks are easily dispatched, but can get annoying as usually your eyes roll back into your head from the boredom of passing another pixelated treeline. Except for the Demon Trains, which cannot be killed and only avoided. Imagine playing Pac Man except that PacMan can only move in a straight line, there are no power pellets, and the ghosts blow you up!

Once you get to each station, the game is fun. You do almost everything on the touch pad including swinging your sword and using items. This can get a bit frantic, but adds a nice level of difficulty. In the N64 games, once you learned to Z-target and lock onto enemies, you were pretty much invincible with an eagle eye accuracy. You also get to control Zelda, which is a first! She can sometimes take command of certain enemies and this fires up a neat tag team mode where you have to draw paths for her with the touch screen and team up to corner enemies. So the swordplay is nice, but man do you need to work to get there. I thought that was supposed to be the challenge?

Chooo! Chooo!

Peace!

Holiday Returns

Happy New Year 2010!

Sorry for being AWOL for that odd time between X-mas and New Year's Day. That whole week always seems very surreal, as if the whole world were still working on bought time. Many people are still on vacation and the kids are not in school. Consumers shuffle around returns and pick up accessories for the gifts they did keep. Everything seems to be happening while we are waiting for the snooze button to go off at midnight New Year's Eve.

Aside from all that holiday ennui, I have also been busy with all our Christmas gifts! WOO HOO!

And after many years of watching video game play uploads on You Tube, I can now say that we have WAY TO MANY VIDEO GAMES in the house.

Amanda's parents got us a Wii and Wii Sports! And a Wii Fit! Then we bought Mario Kart Wii and Super Smash Brother Brawl!

I would say that my thumbs hurt, but because it is a Wii, that means my whole damn body hurts. I know that leaning forward on the Wiimote does not give you a speed boost in Mario Kart, but hell if I won't try when I have everyone behind gunning for me with every kind of shell. Wii Sports reminds me I never learned how to follow through on my baseball swing, but I am happy that I do not let go of the remote, which always happened to me with the real bat. High school gym class was a lot of fun...

Nothing like having a video game machine prove to you how out of shape you are. After the first day on the Wii Fit, I was so sore that I thought I had just fought Ivan Drago. I am getting better and already cut my Wii Fit age from 41 (Oy vey!) to 21 (Hello ladies! Look how good I am at Rhythm Boxing!). My weight keeps zigzagging up and down the graph, which I attest more to variables like body hair and recent bowel movements. Hell yeah, I'm getting skinny. Well, maybe...

It told me I was fat...

More stories on our video game adventures later in the week.

Peace!