Chestnut War Part 4

Around this same time my cat dissapeared. Not the bad cat, Lila. But the good cat, Curie. They look exactly the same save Lila is about 15 pounds heavier and had mega mutant polydactyl lobster paws with 6-7 toes.

Curie likely got out because we had the carpets cleaned one day in early October and she whizzed out the door trying to flee from the cacophony.

But I swore it was the Asians. "They took a hostage! They were not content just to steal my prickly boys. Now they are ripping the toes off our cat" My wife rolled her eyes.

This was not the first time Curie had vanished. About 4 years earlier we had a break in. The robbers made off with not much (they left the laptop and took a book of stamps of all things) but they made a mess and left the door wide open. And Curie was gone. I assumed it was the kids who lived behind us and I swore I would go "sick house" on them. But then we found her hiding behind the drawer of a built in dresser.

Back in the present, she returned after 4 days loose on the streets of the west side suburbs. The kids never noticed and Curie returned with all her toes.

But the neighbors had upped their game. At this point I had gained enough ability to move to get to work but then I got hit with a cold that sapped my voice. I could not speak except in gurgles. Luckily I dodge most people at work and can do most of my work just typing (helped by a bit of pantomime). But my wife had the same cold and she stayed home. Which is when she sent me this...

THEY BROUGHT A LITERAL 20 FOOT POLE!

I thought we said no weapons!? Where is your honor? That is all the say in kung-fu movies...my honor. And I know that is awful but WHO HAS A LITERAL 20 FOOT FUCKING POLE IN THEIR HOUSE!?

And standing on the sidewalk which is public property! Pretty sneaky.

I told my wife to go tell this lady to fuck herself. My wife retorted that no, I should go fuck myself as I was being ridiculous about this whole thing. "What do you want with these nuts, anyway? These folks actually want/eat them. It is culturally significant to them. You are just hoarding them for the sake of hoarding"

Which...is true. This was a deep reptilian part of me that wanted them all. I was chronicling it on Twitter and it got me likes and even a few shadow/lurker nods from people I knew. It released that tiny bit of social media dopamine that feels ever so satisfying.

But my wife, throwing a bone to me, did report later that a SEPARATE neighbor came that same day and she fired the panic alarm on the car.

Yeah, run!