When I went to Target the other day I opened my car door and found a plastic bag crumpled on the parking lot. I went to grab it and found it to be packed with items someone had just bought. There were no other cars around mine. No receipt in the bag either. I tossed it my car (to keep it safe) and then ran through the options
Option 1: Return for store credit!
Free money! But, no receipt. Also, its an asshole move.
Option 2: Return and tell them to put it back on whomever bought this card
Altruistic. Is this possible? Will they think I am crazy?
Option 3: Turn into the Lost and Found
What I should have done but...it will make a good* blog post!
Option 4: KEEP IT!
Look Ive been there. Someone stole my coat freshman year of college and I have left too many flats of fizzy water on the bottom of grocery carts.
So...I kept it. I am sorry if you think less of me, but you are very likely a Ukrainian porn bot and do not have feelings.
Getting home I perused through the contents and began analyzing the unfortunate buyer.
Three Valentine's day cards for a daughter, cat and dog Valentine's day cards, cat and dog stickers, and cat nip mice. Did this person buy these for their cats!? Are the cats their daughters?! It would explain the two identical cards because cats can't read and maybe there was a BOGO. But, if cat's can't read then why get the cards? But there are 3 catnip mice and three cards so 3 cats!
Or maybe they have daughters who love dogs and cats and were going to use these to hand out at school?
In any case I know someone yelled a might "Damn it" when they returned from the store.
"Too bad we don't have a daughter," I say chastising that I can't convert on this free loot.
"WE DO," yells my wife.
"Well...she can't read."
I had actually gone to Target to get Valentine's Day stuff. Justifiable I can't convert on this as the fates gifted me an anecdote but no plunder. It is now on a local freecycle site to find a suitable set of 3 young daughters.
I still got my Valentine's stuff.
On that day I will tell my wife I love her even though 15 years in it borders on platitude and a more effective expression is screaming "WHAT?!" from another room. Or screaming "I FOUND THE REMOTE"
I will tell my "work wife" that I love sharing in all the bullshit with her. How real it feels when we are in these four walls and how awkward is it when we don't have that to discuss.
I will be awkward around my work crushes. I will sneak my kids candy even though the doctor has told me to quit that. Ill remember the Valentine's Day in the sixth grade when Mami pulled up to school with a beagle puppy pant out the window and tearing the roof upholstery of her Chevy Lumina with its tail wags. "FOR ME!?," I screamed and indeed it was for me.
*These always sound better in my head
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