Movies I Should Have Already Seen Vol 3. Issue 1

I PROMISE that this will be the last time I bring back this column from the bowels of deletion. Get those collector's guides ready because it all starts here...again.

However, before I get to the reboot, here is a quick summary of the previous Movies I Should Have Already seen that were lost to the digital abyss.

The Silence of the Lambs

30-second recap: Jodie Foster is not hot. Stop trying to make her hot damnit! Why are there so many sheriff's deputies in West Virginia? And what was the big deal with the moth? An excuse to get the entomologists fawning over Jodie Foster who is NOT HOT!!

Saving Private Ryan
30-second recap: Has Nathan Filion in it! SHINY!

Final Destination

30-second recap: I learned that you don't fuck with death. He's a "mac-daddy."

The Godfather

30-second recap: Yes, I know I should have seen it a while ago. Sorry. Eh, what can I say? It's The Godfather! Damn Leslie Neilsen for ruining it for me with his wacky antics.

I still think Goodfellas was much better.

Donnie Darko

30-second recap: Expected a mind fuck, but instead got my mind groped by the highschool lacrosse team. Frank the Rabbit is insanely creepy. The Chucky of the current generation. Always nice to see Jena Malone, Jake Gyllenhall, and Patrick Swayze...as a pedophile.

Now, with that behind us, I present....

MOVIES I SHOULD HAVE ALREADY SEEN! (THE FINAL RE-LAUNCH!)

The Descent

Alright, this movie, isn't that old. However, much like the Saw franchise it is well-hyped as the future of horror. The difference between the two is that unlike the Saw franchise The Descent is truly scary. You need to understand that I am not a very touch hombre. I startle really easy so even the screeching cats and albino boys of your average J-horror make me scrambling up the walls. But those are just startles. The Descent scares. Remember how you never wanted to go back into the bathtub after seeing Jaws? The Descent does that same thing, but for caves, which you should really stay away from in the first place unless you are A) A spelunker B) Accompanied by a spelunker or C) Batman. Just saying.

I wish I could post screenshots as the film relies on claustrophobia to build up the tension. The landscapes of the Appalachians also increase the deadly foreshadowing. The film actually slams the foreshadowing right against your face. A shot of the cabin in the night with two torches at each end of the porch screams The Amytiville Horror? The misty woodlands do what the Blair Witch Project wanted to do and much like Alien it solves the problem of why the protagonists don't just leave the damn monster infested/cursed/haunted place by sticking them in a cave.

The movie gets pretty grisly and with the main characters being all female I have seen some folks throw around the term "mysoginistic." I don't think the movie is anti-women as none of the girls are stereotypes. They are all athletic women who know what they are doing, just like any group of friends that shares a common hobby. Get me and four other comic book guys together and you won't have a tough guy, crazy guy, loner, hero's best friend, and gentel guy. That's a Gundam team. Instead you would just get five guys who, if quipping about the latest issue of Civil War Frontline 10 was a martial art, could cut a path out of any cave!

I will try to keep the spoilers light. I think the movie relied a bit too much on startle scenes at times. It had use going from the moment they first went down those narrow crevices that link the caverns. It had use when that girl had to cross the chasm with nothing but upper-body strentgh and some caribiners. The monster were neat, but lost everything once we saw them. They were just slimy orcs rejected from The Lord of the Rings movies.

I am not a horror-movie buff or expert, but I believe horror movies should do one of two things at the end:

1) They should make you truly happy. The survivors should have won your heart and come out of the thing alive because they kick ass. They deserved to live. We get a happy ending because sometimes, when we have enough heart and strength, we can get those happy endings. I am looking at you Alien and Jaws. You too Cube! But just Cube! None of those sequels!

or

2) It should enrage you. You should get out of the seat and say, "No! Fuck! Not like this!" Then the movie needs to grab the guys jetpack and ram itself kamikaze style into the ending while screaming, "LIKE THIS!"
If you got that reference then I hope you smiled or screamed out a "BENDIS!!!!" that would make Dave Campbell proud. If you didn't get it then I promise not to nerd it up anymore.

Anyway...horror movies can also try to enrage you and betray what you expected. Seen Carrie? Yeah like that! Seen Final Destination? I have! And, no, it's not like that.


The Descent gives you both. I will try to make this as spoiler free as possible but you have been warned!

***SPOLIERS LIE AHEAD***

The Descent gives you two beautiful moments of salvation that just melt your heart while waiting to scream "HOORAY!". Weird to say that the most uplifting scene I have seen in a while has come from a horror movie where there is a fight in a pool of blood, but, there, I said it. Then it takes that away from you and turns the thumbscrews until the guy that made it is laughing at you! Laughing hard! Never have I been so enraged at the ending of a fictional movie.

Finally, The Descent is good because it must have looked so stupid on paper. Six hot British girls go spelunking in the hills of West Virginia where they fight blind, albino slime creatures? It worked. Go figure.

Peace!