Cockzilla!

Today, I had about 20 minutes to kill before lunch at work and I decided to access my home email and fiddle around with the settings and clear out some spam. I complain much about my job (Not here! I want to keep it, yo!) but there are fringe benefits and one is a culture that is fine with juggling between your FB page and work email. I can pay bills and work at the same time? Easy come and easy go.

While cleaning out my spam one subject line caught my attention. It read, "Get COCKZILLA now!"

What a word! I did not click the link because it is spam (And I'm at work) but searching online for the word brings up all kinds of porn sites. Apparently it refers to a very large member. Makes sense, but I really expected a vial of pills with a cartoon roster on the front surrounded by swooning hens. And then all the double entendres! I mean...do the pills come in chewable form? Easy to swallow? Juicy centers? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It is icky but they write themselves! C'mon evil Russian hackers. You are leaving gold on the floor.

I used to say that I wanted a job posting fake job listings on Craigslist (Seriously, if you are an evil Russian hacker and need some help, please let me know. All that must wear on the fingers) but I could freelance writing jokes for spam messages.

That time of the year

I did not grow up with snow. However, I went to an international school and experienced enough multicultural zietgiest growing up that the concept of it was not so foreign. People I knew had lived with snow and there were movies and TV that showed both its magic and its mundane.  When I first saw snow at 10 and first lived with it at 17, the whimsy felt muted and practical. As a quick aside, I had few touchstones for hail and freaked out when a sudden storm cracked open while I walked to the Ithaca College library to study for spring final freshmen year. Ice balls falling from the sky?! WHAT?!

While not a pro at snow, I am at peace with it. It happens. From about October-ish to April-ish you could get snow here in the Northeast. That all being said, it appears the rest of the world has lot concept of snow and of winter. Maybe it is the same thing that happens with vaccines. The sheer success of our ability to deal with it has made us forget just indeed how horrible the effects of it can be. One of my favorite quotes from Watership Down is "“Many human beings say that they enjoy the winter, but what they really enjoy is feeling proof against it." I enjoy everything that allows we to proof against winter and find the complaining about it being cold feels hollow. Tell me something new.

However, even with all this, I can now say I am over winter. Not because it is cold (See the above) but because of everyone freaking out because of the cold. The news recently were all about polar vortices and people throwing pots of hot water in the air. Yes, it is particularly cold out, but damnit, it's January. Why is this a big deal? Why does this dominate the news? It goes far beyond practical when CNN opens prime time shows with "Gee, it is particularly cold out." If this was happening in say October then I would say it is news, but IT IS JANUARY! Truly obnoxious people will claim that the fact that it is cold in January means climate change is all poppy cock. Indeed, it is like vaccines with the strawman argument that if this is happening/not happening to me then the entire phenomenon must be false. I've actually unlisted people from my Facebook feed over this lunacy, which is something I never thought I would care enough to do, but IT IS JANUARY! 

The Ringing

This may not require a stretch of the imagination but I am a millennial. And while I actively resist broad generalizations of my peers and what we have/have not done to America, there is one characteristic that fits me.

I really can't stand to use the phone. This blog may not be the best example, but I do express my self better in writing and appreciate that I have the opportunity to do this so often. I rather email the bank and wait two business days to get a response than fuss with my phone. My wife and I stay in touch throughout the day, but it is exclusive on text and gchat. I still have a few friends that prefer to chat over the phone and that is all well and good, but it is rare and special. That makes it fun!

Because of all this, the sound of my phone ringing now brings up only negative emotions. As a child, if the phone rang, I thought "Oh, the phone. Ok." Now, as a grown up millennial, I hear the phone ringing and I am "FUUUUCCCKKKKK! The phone!" Why? Well, because of text messages and email and social media and instant messaging I know get most of my info via the written word. When the phone rings, it can only be one thing out of a telecommunicative rogue's gallery. So, when my phone rings it is either...

A) My mother (Or someone else from my family, but 99% it's my mother)

Great! Here goes thirty minutes hearing about those that have died, those that are dying, and those surely to die next!

B) ADT

SHIT! Someone is breaking into my house...AGAIN! Or, its the cats. Do I tell them to call the cops or not? I mean it is probably the cats, right?

C) A Telemarketer

No, thank you!

D) Bad News

Your lab results came back in and they are positive! Why haven't you paid us? Did you know that your house is on fire? This person died. Etc, etc.

The worst is getting my wife's name popping up on the caller ID. This immediately makes me pickup and say "WHAT'S WRONG? WHAT'S WRONG? WHAT'S WRONG!?!?!"

With all this said, I do pickup the phone quickly usually on the first ring. Or try to and end up knocking over half of the furniture in front of me. I mean, it could be a job calling for an interview. We can always dream.

WYHAK-Sleep

Our son took to sleep like something out of a text book. One month old and sleeping for four hours at a time in his own bassinet and then crib! This parenting stuff is easy!

Seriously, what is it about all this sleep battling and fussiness? Cry it out versus no tears? Ferber versus Spock? Really? I mean you just put him in it and boom! Sleep time.

At four months, our son became an absolute sleep hating monster. He must have thought the bed was made of knives since ever the act of slowly dipping your hips to put him in the crib sent him into a screaming fit. Four hour stretches of sleep turned into thirty minute sleep sessions with two hours of rocking, singing, shushing, and kissing. The only thing that would console him, that would allow us to sleep would be to allow him to sleep in our bed.

So, when you have a kid, you will want to co-sleep.

Saying this I must caveat that I am 100% against co-sleeping. There. I drew a line in a "mommy wars" debate, but yeah, I don't want the soul shattering trauma of rolling over onto my kid. I still get chills if I think about an injured groundhog I drove by one time while commuting from work in the summer of 2013. Or get them so used to it that by the time they are truly vocal (i.e. also too big to be in your bed) they are screaming something like "Mommy mommy" or "You don't love me" from their crib in the middle of the night

But, it seemed to be the only thing that calmed him down. Once your patience has run dry and rocking softly becomes rocking until you feel you could just scream even louder than him it all makes sense. It's the perfect drug! Sleep! And not some cheating sleep where your wife is up and you are asleep, but actual holistic sleep.

Damnit, I could feel myself turning! It was so easy. "Honey, you sleep this way. And I will sleep on my side and then I put this pillow here and voila! No murder!"

If you do co-sleep normally then good luck and go nuts. You already agreed to my WYHAK statement. If you are like me then you will agree (Oh you will come to flirt with the dark side) since it makes it so much easier!

After a month of this we decided it was too much. We are still battling but it is going better. We realized that A) There is a difference between not liking the crib and not being able to fall asleep on one's own and B) That we needed backup.

I would never dare use my blog to shill thing (Except my scintillating comments!) but we bought him a Merlin's Magic Sleep Suit and it is manna from heaven!

Why can't I give this six stars!?

This shit really works. I mean really really really works. Like when man first discovered "really" works. If you have a baby then you need to buy it. BUY IT NOW! Not sure on the voodoo they use to make it work but I hypothesize that the tight bundling (Your kid will look like one of those inflatable sumo wrestler outfits all the rage in the 90s) make the kid feel extra secure. They also can't move their arms much in it so if they move in their sleep they are less likely to have a sudden jolt and startle themselves awake. BUY IT NOW

Thievery!

I got pinged in the whole Target brouhaha about their data breach. Some brigand used my debit card to "buy" $100 worth of stuff at a gas station in the NYC area. I think it was probably an ATM withdrawal since not sure how you could get $100 exactly of gas. If it was gas then he must have gotten like 10 gallons of if it since NY state gas is taxed all which way to tomorrow.

In the summer of 2013 we were broken into (Another thing that happened during the blog hiatus is that we bought a house!) and it was another case of minor items and major headaches. In both these cases I am amazed at the pettiness of the crimes.  The robber in our house break in took my Xbox 360, an eight year old laptop on its last legs, our Wii (leaving behind the controllers and sensor bar. So, he got a paperweight essentially), some Blu Ray movies, and postage stamps. If I had the gall and balls to steal someone's financial info or break into their house then I would need go to all out and take as much as I can. I mean, of course I am going to take this oven mitt that says "Hail to the Chef" on it! I just broke into someone's house so I might as well! The cops came and dusted for prints in this case, but they got very little good ones (I knew TV shows made it seem like evidence gathering is easy, but even I was blown away at how hard it is to get a good fingerprint. Basically, cover your house in wood and dust every day so you can get a decent chance at it) and the thief remains at large. The dark part of me sometimes hopes dead in a ditch, but I remind myself that I was fortunate enough to buy a new XBox and not have to steal someone's.

Both of these cases brought out my bonkers side. As my mother always told me "Defend yourself like a cat on its back" and her ever fatalistic paranoid world view colors mine even though I feel that much more moderate (A WYHAK post will have to be that you are doomed to become your parents) of a person. I come unglued when it comes to debt collectors and money problems. I pay my bills. If, I owe you money then I will do so promptly, but the number of times I've gotten calls from debt collectors because of a clerical error. Oh man..that is like three calls and all three times I went nuts!

In the case of the robbery, I came back to the house and could not find one of our cats. I called out for her and she never came. I assumed that maybe she had lept out the open window to the backyard, but she is skittish of the outdoors and our backyard fence to high for her. I feared the worst, that she brigands had taken her and were slowly torturing her! As minutes turned to hours it got even worst. I knew (Just knew and still feel it to this day) it had to be bastard kids behind us and I stomped up and down the block  ready to absolutely murder anything that came in my path. Literally, for I was armed with my flashlight and whatever weapons I could find.  I stood out in front of their house with two knives hidden on my person and my collapsible baton ready to go sick house. Thankfully that never happened (and they didn't call the cops) and we found our cat hiding in a crawl space later that evening. I've never felt so mad. Never so blinded. This is what people must mean when they talk about road rage. Getting upset because someone cut you off is not road rage. Slipping off one of your house keys from the ring while it is still in the ignition so you can poke the guy in the eyeball when you surely catch up to him is road rage. Afterwards, with my cat and family in my arms, I felt so dumb for being so mad, but it is a much better me that can resist.

With the swindler I went nuts on the bank guy. While in college I fell for a phishing scam and have since been very nervous whenever someone calls me about a financial matter. It did not help that they guy from Huntington Bank sounded like a robot on Quaalude. He said his name was Tim and all I could think of was "How phonier a name can you get!?" Surely this was the Bulgarian mob trying to take all 800 of my dollars in my bank account. It marked the first time I ever said "Let me talk to your supervisor!" which he said he could not do, but that I could call the bank's customer service line to work it from the other end. Oh yeah, I would buddy. I would.

When I called it turned out to be all so true. It was also embarrassing since to prove that you are indeed who you are my bank asks people to state the amount of their last deposit. I said something horribly crass and elitist (I don't know. I'm professionally poor!) but hell if I knew! And I was mad! Once we finally got on the same page that I was I and the bank was the bank I told the lady "I kind of freaked out at the guy who called me. If you know Tim in Electronic Loss Prevention, please say I am sorry." Her response? "Oh, let me connect you to him."

SHIT!

It's the Internet so time for CATS

There can be peace in the world because I saw this...

Our two cats (Lila on top and Curie on the bottom) hate each other in that special way cats reserve for each other. It is to toxic that I often refer to Curie as the upstairs cat and Lila as the downstairs cat (Which means two litter boxes and food bowls), but here they are all snuggled up relatively close on the couch. 

It is tricky to tell in this photo, but they are not "twins" or otherwise related. They are both gray and white and in eerily similar layouts only compounded by the fact that we got them eerily similar collars. 

Enjoy it!

Helix (TV Show)

Something that began my original blogging was my desire to talk about movies, books, and TV. My mistakes with this were assuming people would think my wit was particularly sharp or funny and that somehow folks would neatly stumble upon my wit. There are many people who do this much better than I, but I still enjoy it so the newer blog will hopefully have some more casual conversation.

I don't remember that last time I tuned in to the Sci-Fi (I can't call it Syfy. Or as my wife says it "Cee-Fee.") Channel, but it had to been around 1998 or 1999. Once the final credits rolled on MST3K's series finale well then that was pretty much it. I think I stuck around for FarScape, but not sure if I followed through. The network formed a core of my adolescence particularly on school breaks when I would catch up on syndicated runs of  Sightings, The Flash, Twilight Zone, The Friday the 13th series, and the umpteen Stargate series. I knew the network changed (It has wrestling now. One day I will have to put down the sheer lunacy of my pro wrestling phase. All boys must go through a pro wrestling phase. Like chicken pox, you hope it is in your earlier days as, later in life, it is much worse and tends to linger), but if you want a catharsis well you better go find another blogger.

Sci-Fi just premiered a new show called Helix. I caught some of the promos and buzz for this show which is saying a lot since I rarely watch actual TV anymore. Consume media on Netflix and Youtube well yes, but sit down and surf channels? My younger self could not recognize me. This is where Facebook helps since most of my news and even weather updates come from the newsfeed. I remember one college colleague post that she was happy to hear about this show because it was real science fiction coming back to the Sci-Fi Channel after so much had been lost to wrestling and shows about stage makeup.

Science fiction and fantasy are easy to spot, but tricky to nuance down once you start to really label things. Is Ghostsbusters science fiction or a comedy first? Isn't the new movie Her a bit of science fiction? We have such voices on our phones, but one so well evolved is sometime in the future. Doesn't that mean science fiction?

Helix certainly feels like science fiction but only because the stories it follows. The story begins at a remote Arctic (Greenland to be specific) research base where something has gone wrong and a super virus has infected some folks. They call in the Centers for Disease Control and they send in a five man team (Lead Guy, Lead Guy's Ex Wife (Who also slept with his brother who is one of the guys infected in the lab), Cute Young Girl (I have jokingly called this actress Kate Mara's stunt double. They look alike and I am horrible with names. It is amazing I know who Kate Mara is!), Butch Girl, and Army Guy. They then meet their counterparts at the station (Head Research Guy who may or may not be evil and his faithful lieutenant..who kind of looks like Chris Pratt) and, while they don't have mustaches to twirl, are certainly up to no good. Hijinks ensue at the lab where everyone is trapped, who knows who is infected, and secrets abound.

Makes for a nice pitch and neat show, but I only considered it science fiction because A) It is on the Sci-Fi Channel so it needs to have some connection and B) There are many similar stories firmly affirmed in science fiction. Helix feels much like that X File Season 1 episode "Ice" which makes it feel like The Thing which makes it feel like The Thing From Another World. Oh, and there is duct crawling scene that along with the whole "Who has the disease in them" and "You can't leave!" make the whole thing feel like Alien.If not for these I would say the thing feels much more like a medical thriller as if Outbreak stood a bit too long next to the microwave. Because of my job, I cannot resist fussing over silly details. The pilot has a wide shot of the helicopter coming up on the ice base which shines with an albedo to rival the ice cap and is surrounded by green blinking wind turbines. Meant to be impressive and it looks sharp but my first thought is "How are they funded!?" or "How do you support the supply chain for such a place?" We may never know as we many never learn who cleans the toilets in heaven.

While we have seen the premise before it does have that Lost like feeling gnawing feeling of needing to know more! There is a neat scene where one of the characters stumbles upon a cache of hidden bodies that reminded of the polar bear scene in Lost and you can't help but to take the bait. Production values are decent and we have seen this all once before but as long as they are not making it up as they go along (Again, Lost) then it is worth a try. You can watch online and I saw the first two episodes for free using my Xbox Live Gold Microsoft takes your money whatever account. I will be watching every Friday or so!

 Seriously, there are enough tropes here to send freshmen writing seminars into a frenzy. A hero with daddy issues, a young heroine not taken seriously because of her age/looks, ball busting lady scientist, and jump scares. A harsher review could say it is a bit flat footed, but there is something about the mystery, the need to know more and more, that makes me end of a much more positive note.

We'll call you

One thing that did not change during the hiatus was my perpetual hunt for a job. I am employed full time, but there is a muscle memory that makes me always check the job boards. Sunday morning means fishing out the wintergreen tinted sheets from the Plain Dealer classified ads to scan for gigs in the back of section after all the medical, manufacturing, and food service listings.

Yes, the grass is always greener on the other side so maybe there is a bit of wishful thinking when I compare my current job to others, but I don't feel normal unless I have a resume at the ready. If I don't have at least one application out (Even ones that fester from behind cold auto reply messages that say "We received your application) at a given time then I'm cagier than usual.

In college, when I began my perpetual job search, I loved writing cover letters. It was an excuse to brag! This was before I began these blogs (Which also seem endless) and when the Facebook wall was something new and weird and rare. I dread cover letters now. My second guessing ensures that I'll read them over and over only to send them along and then, upon a fifth read, find some error or clunky exposition. Here is a recent example...

"My experience is diverse and also includes a diverse population who have mentored and challenged me so I can better serve my employer’s mission."

Geez! Using "diverse" twice and then incorrect subject-verb agreement on this supposed population. Another on bites the dust.

Prince With A Thousand Enemies

If you saw my last post, you know that I am slowly cleaning out some of the older posts so that any inquisitive readers are not set aghast by the bonkers formatting. While doing this I saw this picture of our old rabbit Carson from when I used to live in Trumansburg, NY. This must have been December 2006.

It is a nice picture and the kick off to another sort of feature I will label as "Catching Up." It covers what happened during my four year hiatus.

We had many more adventure with Carson and he ended up living in five different homes and not to mention dozens of bathrooms and side rooms while we bounced around between apartments or on vacations. One of the reasons Amanda and I moved to the east side of Cleveland was because it was closer to a vet who could check out all these varmints. We ended up paying close to $400 to this vet to remove a benign tumor (about the size of a lentil) from Carson's head back in 2009 or so. All for a bunny bought on a whim for $25 (Which I know now, after having Carson for eight years, is awful) at the Pyramid Mall pet store.

Carson (full name Carson James Rabbit) passed away on May 4, 2012. It was the same day that Adam Yauch of the Beastie Boys passed away and that the Avengers move (partially filmed in Cleveland) came out in theaters. It was also the day we fired a particularly nasty guy at my work. Someone no one could stand or trust. Hence, it was kind of a big deal day. Rabbits make a kind of death rattle when they sense they are close to the end and I heard this shrill and quick murmur while driving back from the emergency vet on 90 West. If you ever wanted to note the audio equivalent of a paper cut, then that is the rabbit death rattle. I was listening to Beastie Boys (Every radio station played it that day) and I could not believe that he went so fast after supposedly stabilizing at the vet. We never learned what killed him, but he had eight good years and if not for whatever struck him down so quickly maybe another 2 or 3 in him. He was no angel (Owning a rabbit is taking all the worst parts of a dog and worst parts of a cat and putting them in the world cutest packaging) but I love rabbits and he was one of my own. So, there will probably be no more rabbit musings or pictures where I photo shop hats onto him (Or the Guinea Pigs. Dante passed away a year before Carson and another cavie we got during the hiatus, Gus, died in February of 2013) or anything like that. Getting out of the animal business.

I'll end with what I put up on FB when Carson passed. I quoted Watership Down and then noted that "Truly a longer eared bastard will never hop on this Earth again."

Cleaning Up The Past

As part of the relaunch I decided not to edit any of my previous posts. I realize there could be some embarrassing posts from back then. I was a much different person back then. Whenever you hear that your brain automatically leans towards the pejorative. Back then I drank a lot. Back then I had yet to be challenged. I don't have anything so dramatic, but my blog was meandering and masquerading as cohesive. Now it is just 100% stream of consciousness!

Getting back to the original point, I did tweak some of the colors on the template for the relaunch. I am notoriously awful when it comes to matching colors and formatting. You see a lot of teal and orange in movie posters nowadays and I had no idea what that was until I read some review blogs and learned about the color wheel. I mean, there is an actual tool that helps you match up colors!? What voodoo is this!?

Now if only they had something to tell me if this tie goes with this shirt

When I tweaked the template and looked back through the archives I realized some of the older posts are unreadable because the colors merge or clash. I am slowly fixing them, but just wanted to let you know. I would love a comment or two one day but I don't want them to be "GAH! MY EYES!"

When You Have A Kid...

This will become a new feature on the relaunched blog. During the hiatus I learned what all this labeling business really means and think of how easy it will be for you to find all my insight!

As a quick aside...at my job I am currently covering our social media and I just figured out (Maybe something like two week ago) how to use hashtags. I can only compare my glee to figuring out this Internet trick to finding ways to fit more characters into your AIM profile way back in freshmen year of college.

Getting back to the post, my wife and I had a son in July of 2013. I am sure that if you go through the blog archives you will find some ninny poo post about me not wanting kids. And, indeed at that time, I did not want kids. When we got pregnant, we were OK with being so, but it wasn't the product of months of trying and deliberating. If you want to fight about whether having kids or not having kids is better for you, for society, for whatever then this is not the place. What I can talk about is what I wish I knew before having him. Not just what to buy or not buy (So many outfits that were never used, etc) but how you would feel or think. Especially being the father. It drove me crazy that so much of the "daddy" literature or sections in the pregnancy book seemed aimed at mean from ancient eras. Or truly deprived ones. All the advice either seemed aimed at quaint patriarchs (Why don't you try making yourself a quick sandwich instead of asking her to make dinner) or young gun dipshits. (You may need to play less video games every one in a while). Isn't knowing this prerequisite to getting the girl to actually let you in her presence much less into the bedroom?

So, here goes. I apologize for the sudden turn but when you have a kid you will have many many many dark thoughts. Vicious thoughts. The kind of thoughts where your lungs start to seize from the bottom up until your throat wiggles on baited gasps and screams. Choking. Drowning. Burns. Falls, Drops and Plastic Bags. Why do babies love plastic bags so much?! Is it the sound? The terror they strike in their parents?! WHY!?!?!?!

There are so many ways things can go wrong. So many ways for the baby to just go poof and gone. And it gets worse the older they get which is supposed to be the exact opposite except that instead of worrying about SIDS you are now worried about a car accident or falling down the stairs while holding him. I now walk down the stairs like a stop motion picture because I could trip and then KERSPLAT! Every trip to the living room is like learning to walk again because of these nagging and horrible dark thoughts.

The other day we were bundling him up to go for a brief car rider and he was not cooperating. I told my wife, "Hey, it is like a five minute drive and he will be outside for exactly one minute. Let's just put a blanket over him." Her response was, "Well, what if I am in a car accident and he needs to survive in the cold until help arrives?" Why didn't I think of that?!

An old phrase goes that being a parent means that you never stop worrying about your children. My own mother has pulled it out in chats with me. I am starting to see the logic of that but I hope it becomes much less about sheer terror and perhaps just general anxiety as the future proceeds. I don't have a cure for these feelings. I remind myself that my son is still alive and happy and healthy so I must be doing something right!

Relive your blog...again

Three years ago, I signed off on blogging. It must have been the second or third time I killed one of my blogs. I always thought of myself as humble, but I was surprised that people did not come in droves to read my first drafts of short stories or observations on how fire stations and air conditioners are indeed quite very loud.

Much has changed in those three years. I found stability in a job I have no had for four years. My wife and I bought a house. I got a car. I went on my first ever international trip (I did not get cool wings from the pilot, this being a post 9/11 world) We had a kid! A beautiful son who will have a divot in the center of his forehead by age 2 from how much I kiss him.

I had a writing teacher in college, whom I very much respected (Jason Ockert..give his books a buy) who told us at the end of the year that, "If you find yourself not writing on your own after college, then don't get an MFA. Give something else a shot." Of course, at the time in the year of 2006, this would not apply to me, but it sure became that way as I bounced from job to job and then moved to Ohio and got a career. Oh, I always scribbled and I have left all my archives up for you to see, but dreams of books are better left to those much more skilled.

All that said, I recently found myself struggling to sleep not because my son would refuse to sleep in his crib, but because I wanted to get something down. To pound out thoughts that creep in during the drowsy topsy turvy of going to bed. Of something I daydream about in a work meeting. When I stare into my son's eyes and I am paralyzed because I am going to become my own father and that means dying when my kid is eight I want to talk to someone. I strain my wife's patience too much already during the day so I return to the Internet!

That's right! We are back and posting, hopefully, much more often because I now hopefully have something else to talk about besides Chia plants and comic books.