Fantasy Dancing, The Gentlemen

On the second day of our Fantasy Dancing With the Stars line up, we will focus on the men.


We will begin with the contestant's name then follow with their claim to fame and end with a brief explanation and sample of what outlandish judge Bruno Tonioli would say.

Gentlemen

Contestant #1
Name: Michael Keaton
Claim to Fame: Fading big star. He was Batman. Was almost Dr. Jack on Lost.
Why?: Wouldn't America love to learn what Keaton has been up to all these years? And love to learn it with a spicy salsa? He could deliver some icy glances, reiterate that, yes, he's Batman, and hope for a Multipilcity affect that gives he six more legs.
Bruno: "Say it Michael....I'm DANCING!"

Contestant #2
Name: Michael Phelps
Claim to Fame: Olympic superstar athlete. Won 16 Olympic medals, second highest in history. And he is still swimming.
Why?: Every season needs an Olympian and one season got Shawn Johnson, so we can handle the high priority guys.
Bruno: "Watch out because Michael P is going to make you all wet!"

Contestant #3
Name: Andy Rooney
Claim to Fame: Cranky guy on 60 Minutes. We should really spend all sixty of them with him. Sorry, Leslie Stahl
Why?: The guy could write a diatribe against breadsticks. Can't wait for him to cut a rug.
Bruno: "Spend a few minutes on the dance floor, Andy!"

Contestant #4
Name: Shaquille O'Neal
Claim to Fame: 15 time NBA All Star and 4 time NBA Champ. HUGE!
Why?: The latest Cleveland Cavalier will become the Big Dance once he hits the floor. Every season needs a major league athlete and I am tired of football players.
Bruno: "So BIG!"

Contestant #5
Name: Levi Johnston
Claim to Fame: Got Sarah Palin's daughter pregnant.
Why?: What a better way to celebrate reality television than having someone who is famous for knowing someone that knows a famous person. God Bless America!
Bruno: "We didn't see any of this in Playgirl!"

Contestant #6
Name: Rod Blagojevich
Claim to Fame: Former Illinois governor. Ousted in controversy surrounding then Senator Obama's empty Senate seat. Still trying to beat the false rap.
Why?: We wouldn't need to ask him. He would show up outside of the studio on the first day of call backs. The U.S Marshalls may have something to say against this though.
Bruno: "Sell every seat in the house with that waltz, Rod!"

Contestant #7
Name: Darius Rucker
Claim to Fame: Former front man of Hootie and the Blowfish. Solo star that now wins Country Music Awards.
Why?: To be honest, I did not know he was still around. Turned himself into a burgeoning solo star. Now he will become a dancing star!
Bruno: "With that samba, Darius, you do not need the blowfish."

Contestant #8
Name: Pauly Shore
Claim to Fame: Fading funny man that gave us such classics as Encino Man and Bio Dome.
Why?: He would do something wacky like try to dance with a live kitchen. People would tun in just to see him get voted off.
Bruno: "Pauly, Pauly, Pauly....um....that's it!"

There you go. Now...DANCE!

Fantasy Dancing, The Ladies

For how much I talk about TV, you may assume that I have a 50 inch plasma screen with the super duper cable that brings 700 channels. A cable package with both the East and West coast feeds!

Well, we just updated to a 24 inch screen four months ago after deciding that the 13 inch TV I had in college wasn't doing it anymore. And we have exactly 13 channels because we have very, very basic cable. We essentially just get the broadcast networks with some Univision, TCT, and two PBS stations.

Because of this, Amanda and I are pretty much limited to what network prime time has to offer. We have become big Dancing With The Stars fans because of this. And the latest season just ended with a win for Donny Osmond. Congrats Donny and take it Marie!

Our new fandom made me think of a dream dancing line up for future seasons. And, of course, I would blog about it! Today and tomorrow you will see my fantasy lineup. Lets start with the ladies!

Format & Rules

We will begin with the contestant's name then follow with their claim to fame and end with a brief explanation and sample of what outlandish judge Bruno Tonioli would say.

Ladies

Contestant #1
Name: Serena Williams
Claim to Fame: Tennis great. Won 35 titles. Made over $28 million in prize money over her career.
Why?: Every season needs some star athletes and why not pick the currently ranked # 1 female tennis player? Besides, America would love to give her a chance to explain her outburst to that line judge with a nice paso doble.
Bruno: "Serena...I hope the only thing you threaten to stuff down my throat is some dance ATTACK!"

Contestant #2
Name: Lauren Graham
Claim to Fame: She was Lorelai on Gilmore Girls. Also in Evan Almighty and Bad Santa
Why?: She is America's favorite fast talking, power eating, quirky single mom. She can drop a Flashdance reference while recreating every scene from it. Hopefully, she will move so fast that they will need one those "Gilmorism" guides from the DVDs to keep up.
Bruno: "Sexy sexy sexy Lauren. Let me tell you that Bad Santa was very helpful.

Contestant #3
Name: Barbara Walters
Claim to Fame: Famed TV interviewer. Former host of 20/20 and current host of The View.
Why?: Because she is Barbara Walters. That's why. Beside she is an easy get since ABC owns the rights to her other show.
Bruno: "I knew you would make me cry, but who knew it would be for the beauty of the dancing!"

Contestant #4
Name: Rachel Ray
Claim to Fame: Breakout Food Network star.
Why?: People either love her or love to hate her. Perfect for a reality show!
Bruno: "Rachel, you add O to end of everything. EVOO! Yum-O! Well, here comes my judge O face! OH!"

Contestant #5
Name: Stephanie Courtney
Claim to Fame: Flo from the Progressive Insurance commercials
Why?: She gave those cavemen and the gecko a run for their money. People have proposed to her. She does have a nice job selling insurance.
Bruno: "You can check me out anytime, Stephanie. This is wonderful insurance for the finals!"

Contestant #6
Name: Jamie Lynn Spears
Claim to Fame: Britney Spears' sister. Actress on All That and Zoey 101. Famous for getting pregnant
Why?: Because we couldn't get Britney Spears. So we went for the lighter shade of crazy.
Bruno: "Forget your sister! Oops, you did it again with a 10!"

Contestant #7
Name: Rosie O'Donnell
Claim to Fame: Stand up comedienne. Actress and TV host.
Why?: She'll draw the cynics jokes and then sneak in through the second or third elimination. Every season needs someone whose very name is a punch line. Of course, Donny Osmond won this year.
Bruno: "This dancing is in a League of Its Own, Rosie!"

Contestant #8
Name: Jenny McCarthy
Claim to Fame: Former Playboy centerfold and Single Out co-host. Used to pay the bills with far jokes and now pays them by saying juice cures autism. The American Dream manifested in a person. Her appearance would also strike a victory for media fairness by giving scientifically unsound theories equal exposures as, you know, facts.
Bruno: "Chelate these 10s out of me, Jenny! More juice! More ATTACK!"

There you go, folks.

Tomorrow we will present the gentlemen.

More Returns

I had a gift certificate to our local comic shop that was burning a hole in my pocket so I decided to cash it in.

It has been a long time since I bought a comic. Even before the blog went into its latest hiatus (December 2008), I had already stopped buying monthly issues. Buying little booklets of glossy paper isn't too smart, you know? But, I had the gift certificate and I missed the head kicking.

The good

Daredevil made it to 500 issues! I got a back copy along with the latest issue 501. But, Matt Murdock know leads The Hand? That is kind of a neat twist, but didn't he already sell his soul when he was the brutal "new" Kingpin of NYC? We do have umpteen stories of him snapping and girlfriends dying, so it can't hurt to recycle this. Right? His new DD inspired Hand ninjas look awesome with little devil horns and long pony tails designed to mimic devil tails.



I may need to set aside the three bucks a month to keep reading DD. It is nice to come back to such big reveals and plenty of ninjas.

The Bad

When the hell did Immortal Iron Fist get canceled!? It was because I stopped buying issues, right Marvel? Well, times are tough and some of us didn't get a nice injection of Disney money earlier this year.

I picked up four issues of the Iron Fist tie-in series, The Immortal Weapons. It chronicles each of the champions from the other heavenly cities that Danny Rand, a.k.a Iron Fist, met during his adventures in the series. They are nice, but I really wanted to see Danny Rand punch some people out.



I have also read rumors that this is just a stand in while Marvel decides what to do with the main series. So, maybe it will come back. I hope. If not, then I will be down to just one comic a month since few other weekly series attract me. I just need to keep dueling with the other guy that keeps putting trade paper backs of Y: The Last Man on hold at the library.

Peace!

Organize

Astute readers may notice that the newer posts feature tags. The older posts will soon all have tags and by the time you read this, most should be annotated.

We may have few patrons, but we are organized. Just like the corner hardware store.

Peace!

Celebrate Thanksgiving...In Space!

Happy Thanksgiving. Amanda and I will be out of town and maybe you will be as well. Isn't the Internet great though? You can read this from anywhere even as you remember there is a reason you only see these people three times a year.

Thanksgiving used to mean lots of Mystery Science Theater 3000 (MST3K) and I remember both Comedy Central and the Sci Fi Channel (Now known as SyFy) running all day marathons of episodes on Thanksgiving day and Black Friday. I am not the only person to remember. Bully, a fabulous comics blogger, remembers.

These marathons were very helpful particularly in an era where I had limited access to the Internet. Our meager dial up connection was always at the mercy of my mother's friends calling to chat. MST3K is an immediately likable show, but it has a very high learning curve. We have all seen a bad movie and maybe even been forced to endure it. Everyone riffs on a bad movie, even if its just an eye roll while you walk back to the car from the theater. MST3K turns this into an art. There are eight seasons packed with a dozen or so two hour episodes into each one. There is no plot, so you don't need to scramble through back seasons to understand why Mike's dad owns a mail order burlap store in Minong, Wisconin. But you always want more and Sci Fi didn't have the rights to anything earlier than the seventh season!

This has to be my favorite show of all time. I waver on "My Favorite" quite often. Anyone who has kept up with the blog must have noticed that one day I was talking about comics and then I started pretending to know a lot about politics. There were links to sports sites, comics sites, and news sites. When I listen to my MP3 player I mash the skip button until it gets to Black Eyed Peas, then Silver Sun Pickups, 311, and Jimmy Eat World. Please don't ask me what my favorite kind of music is.

But, MST3K will remain my favorite TV show for life. The show is over twenty years old and Old Man Garik will still guard his DVD player and boxed sets fifty years from now. 'It's funny, dammit! The best," I will say much like our parents scream at us when we ask them why the bought a DVD season of the Dean Martin variety show out of those inserts you get in the paper.

Nearly every episodes of MST3K is up on YouTube. The folks at Best Brains have always appreciated how bootlegging helped spread the word about the show during the early 90s. I shudder to think what would have happened if Viacom had owned MST3K and YouTube was forced to scour its servers of all riffing and references to "Watch out for snakes!"

I don't recall what was the first MST3K episode I ever saw. It was late and I laughed at the silhouettes emanating from the TV. And, as per usual, I am hesitant to name a favorite, even though Space Mutiny comes pretty close. The many names of David Ryder really did it for me, even though they do run it into the ground. Hard.

Enjoy!



Here

Michael Bay is laughing at me

Speaking of movies...

I realize this is about five months too late, but the sequel to Transformers, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, was God awful. I went to a midnight showing of the thing and left three hours later quite disappointed. And a bit heartbroken as well. I realize how melodramatic that sounds. It is a movie about giant robots that beat the hell out of each other. How much could one really expect? But, returning readers will remember how excited Amanda and I were about the first one.

I can't say much that already has been said about the movie. 19% on Rotten Tomatoes is a serious F. The first one got a 56%, which is a low D. That gets you through to the next school year!

I think that part two was a victim of the first movie's attempts to be taken seriously. They spent a good part of the first hour trying to legitimize giant robots that turn into cars. The focus was always on the fight, but folks gave it a pass for trying. The robots were still here to kick ass, but at least we got a try at why they were here to kick ass. It made the first movie a lot of fun. Stupid fun, but not just plain stupid like the second once. Watching the second one, it seemed like Michael "360 shot" Bay was a bit subdued in the first installment and that the second one was his true canvas on which to demolish freely.

Peace!

Take Me Away

Over this past weekend, Amanda and I took in two movies. We go to movies quite often, but two times in just over 24 hours was unusual since the first experience usually gobbles up 30 plus dollars.

We saw the new Sandra Bullock picture, The Blind Side, which was nice and inspirational even though it laid it on thick and made it seem like all of life's problems could be solved with money and sass. Lots of sass. It also didn't help that I know next to nothing about football particularly the fervent loyalty of fans in the Southern SEC. Living in Cleveland, my football knowledge is limited to "$@!# Browns!" You should check it out. A great story heightened by its true basis. And Kathy Bates is in it.

We also checked out the following film...



Starring Milla "Lilu Dalla Multipass" Jovovich, The Fourth Kind is a supernartual thriller based on supposed true events in the town of Nome, Alaska. Folks in our 49th state are having trouble sleeping and it has something to do with an owl. Or a murderer? Or ancient Sumerians? Or aliens?

This movie is a hot damn mess. I try to steer clear of technical criticism since I would not know a filter from a gaffer, but the whole setup was distracting. Much like The Blair Witch Project or Paranormal Activity, Fourth Kind includes so called actual footage into the movie. This time we are told that the recordings are from actual sessions with Milla's character, psychologist Abigail Tyler, and show her patients' violent reactions to remembering being taken. The movie decided to juxtapose these images with shot for shot reenactments with Milla and the crew. So we are seeing two movies at once. Except it is the same thing! Maybe another angle would have helped, but its like watching your home movies made with a much bigger budget. The film even divides the scenes into a quad screen with moving borders that increase and decrease the size of each panel as the scene progresses.

I have no idea why the film makers tried this. Why show us the same thing two, three, even, four times? Maybe it was to give the supposed real photo some extra authenticity. The time we would really like the reenactments are those scare moments when the aliens show up and the cameras goes all wonky. Between distorted snow we often see some creepy images of victims floating in the air and distorted into grotesque poses. This are few and far between and presented in the same shaky-cam style that made The Blair Witch Project a chore. The dual view took me times out of the experience and had me and some of the fellow movie goers laughing at were supposed to be harrowing scenes.

The film plays fast and loose with its plot. I could appreciate the scatter shot approach if this was indeed based on true stories, but it is not. Universal Studios actually lost a lawsuit brought forward by the Alaska Press Club because of the deceptive promotion. A viral marketing campaign peppered sites with fake news stories associate to actual Alaskan media. The artifice of the story requires good story telling, not ham handed efforts to make all of this seem real.

I wanted to like this movie and I wanted to lose sleep over it. As a young boy and teenager, I was obsessed with the paranormal and especially aliens. I have since become much more skeptical, but the fear of those almond eye emaciated visitors still creeps me out. Indeed, there is something alien and soul less about that imagery. However, Fourth Kind never even shows the monsters or hints at their faces. The big reveal is a bunch of black shadows coming for Abigail. You don't need to give us the full monster Monty, but a peek or peer would have been nice.

Many critics have also pointed out that the whole owl omen is hokey. A.O. Scott of The New York times said that owls are not scary. I must agree that the owl omen is never used to full effect, but feel it could have been done right. This image from the trailer hints at a possible transformation of earthly being to alien visitor.



The trailer I saw focused a lot on the owl and I thought we were going to get a sci-fi "The Raven" type scenario where the beings stalk victims with an earthly creature they find appealing.

I hope you don't waste your money on this especially because you can get a better experience watching sixteen year old episodes of The X-Files. Of course, I am in the camp that watching X-Files beats out a lot of things.

Peace!

Relive Blogging...for the fifth time

I am way too good to go one whole year without an update.

I am going to give the whole blogging thing another try. Still not sure on the topic or theme. No more comics references. I still love Chris Sims and Dave Campbell, but there was not point in trying to recreate their voices. Maybe some more fiction. Stay tuned.

Peace!

Earth Rise Anniversary

Forty years ago on this Christmas Eve, there was another celestial entity orbiting the Earth at thousand miles a minute. The Apollo 8 astronauts were in the best position to view Santa Claus, but they were also in the best place to capture this image:

Even more incredible than the image itself is that it all happened by accident and that the astronauts did no expect to see such an event. I could only compare it to watching an eclipse in ancient times, maybe over a Mayan temple, and wondering what the gods were up to. We were so bound and defined by our terrestrial origins that we could not imagine our own planet rising. Imagine the earth rise from a planet like Mars. A tiny blue sphere arises over the red horizon and it is full of life! Earth with a singular and stunning abundance of life engages in the same cosmic dance the entire Milky Way.

Happy Earth Rise 40th Anniversary! Oh, and Merry Christmas, too.

Peace!

Chia Christmas Countdown Day 14 (I think)

I should give up on trying to keep track on these days. However, the Chia tree has yet to give up.

The mature seedlings have sprouted out and become leggy tendrils. Just like any other plant, they follow the sun and curve as necessary. Other seeds are still just sprouting and try to establish themselves amongst their taller brethren. I rotate the tree every other day to help it give an even look, but that might be a futile exercise. Who knew Chias were so much upkeep. Deceptive commercials make it seem like a permanent mantle piece that keeps level and even all the time.

If you can't believe classic commercials then who can you trust. Do you need to take your pet rock to the vet? I already know how hard it is to coerce your slinky down a flight of stairs. Maybe because mine were never carpeted like on the ads.

Peace!

PR Watch...¡Si!

Let's talk jungle cats.

Introducing a new function here on the FOTBP called PR Watch...¡Si!

Readers of the older and now defunct Blog of Plenty might remember my occasional observations on the wackiness back home in Puerto Rico. Actually, wackiness is a poor word choice since my blogs posts focused on things like the island going broke (hence, creating a sales tax for the first time) or one of the umpteen school strikes at the U of PR where some students actually held self-taught classes in the street while other students (in charge of the strike) tried to stop the DIY classes. Learning bad! Screaming good!

Those are serious subjects that scholars both external and internal have spent much time analyzing. What the hell is the FOTBP going to do add to those discussions?

My new feature is in the same light, but some real wackiness. On an island where you can ask for French fries with your Chinese food (Oh, hell yes, you better add them to my order) there has to be something wacky. On an island where there is a brand of doughnuts you can only buy from street vendors at red lights, there has to be something crazy. On an island where you could have your car washed by a guy with a little hot dog cart full of water and soap at the mall parking lot while you shopped, there must be something for the blog. There are jungle cats! HOOOOO!

Quick history lesson. There are no big cats native to Puerto Rico just as there are no native mammals. This is pretty common for small islands that were geographically isolated from larger mainlands. As serendipitous it was for a lizard or bird to awash on the island's shores, it would be even rarer for a panther to show up rafting in on some driftwood from Florida.

But a panther indeed now stalks the island. Or at least, authorities believe it is a panther. Did I mention it will help a lot if you read/speak Spanish? If not, you are going to have to trust me, but, go ahead, read those stories up on the blog. You think I could make this stuff up?

This story broke in mid November, but people in and around the western edge of San Juan have begun to report seeing a "black panther." A lady reported a dead sheep on the day after Thanksgiving to the PR version of the Interior Department, the Department Of Natural Resources and the Environment or DRNA by its Spanish acronym. The attacks were happening around a neighborhood called Caimito, which is heavily wooded and hilly. Caimito then abuts into a posh gated community called Montehiedra that then neighbors a small mall by the same name. In fact, my childhood home was in the neighborhood right next to all of this albeit cut off by a four lane highway. The whole area is iconic of the concrete mushrooming that represents over development, sprawl, and fragmented ecosystems in Puerto Rico. So there could be a panther around my old house. Or not.

No one seems to be able to find the big cat. Just like the Chupacabra, the Panther of Caimito leaves behind a trail of dead animals and flustered citizens. This report from one of the main TV stations in PR says that the thing ate a horse. A horse! But then a later report in the main PR daily paper says that no one has confirmed a dead horse. People have reported losing chickens, cats, and dogs, but the only confirmed victim has been that Thanksgiving sheep. Apparently its name was "Fugaz" Fugaz? I have no idea what that means. "Fuga" means a get away or escape. Escaperz, maybe?

Maybe it is a panther? Or a jaguar? A puma? Or nothing. One man in the Montehidera neighborhood reported that the saw the thing by his pool and that is was about the size of a German Shepherd and dark colored. One lady in this article says how she sleeps with the window open so she can keep an eye out for the cat. Great plan lady.

The DRNA dispatched teams to hunt the animal down and even the director took the hillsides with a machete. I wonder if he wore a pith helmet as well? Someone said they saw a tree with claw marks etched into the base of the trunk. HOLY SHIT! DRNA agents said they heard weird noises while searching, something that residents in the area have also reported. DAMN! With no leads and just one dead animal, the panther trail grows colder by the day and the DRNA has scaled back the search teams to a skeleton crew. If the thing does exist, then the authorities do have a lead and are ready to seek a warrant to search the reputed owner's house. But it still might not exist. How can you have a Plan B without a Plan A? There might be a guy out there with a missing big cat, but THE big cat does not exist. Shouldn't we be terrified of that other big cat?!

I also love how the article mentions a Panther Party tonight organized through Facebook. Reminds me of the Chupacabra hunting parties the mayor of Canovanas, the municipality plagued by the bloodsucking bastard, organized in the mid 90s. Except with beer.

If it is wacky and from PR, you will find it here. Peace!

Chia Christmas Countdown Day 10

What am I supposed to do now that it sprouted? I'll let you know when something crazy happens, like it evolves! Or when it looks like the Chia on the side of the box.

Peace

Chia Christmas Countdown Day 9 (I Think)

SUCCESS! Take a look.



Amanda and I returned from our weekend trip and the tree had survived the weekend and sprouted.

The picture shows a patchy tree and I am still waiting to vindicate those commercials that feature Chia growth more akin to Astroturf. The very top lip and bottom edges are the worse, but we do have some sprouts coming from the very bottom of the tree. Below the bottom of the lower branches (i.e. layer of terracotta), where I imagine they slid down from the upper grooves. Really bare spots are still patches of goo and particularly bushy spots are the products of multiple seeds piled on top of each other.

But we have have some growing from the inside out! They sprout up from the very top lip and out the opening where the star goes. We reuse the water that transpires into the drip tray and there must have been some loose seeds in the mix.

All this Chia maintenance makes me think of anatomical analogies. Chia pets are ripe for TWSS gags. I wonder why they haven't been incorporated into an episode of The Office yet. Million dollar idea!?

Peace!

In lieu of Chia

While I am out of town and away from the Chia this weekend, please enjoy one of my favorite new blogs.

The Million Dollar Arm

Here is the back story, which I first discovered in this wonderful Slate piece. A U.S. sports agent decided to create a reality TV show in India where contestants had to throw three consecutive 85 mph fastballs and these two guys, Dinesh Patel and Rinku Singh, were the winners. Well, Singh was the winner and Patel the runner up, but they came closest with some consistent 87 mph throws. They got $100,000 and the opportunity to come to the U.S. and throw in front of some more MLB scouts. Now the Pittsburgh Pirates have signed the guys on for next season. There are no guarantees they will actually throw in a major league game, however, but the possibility makes me giddy. And the Pittsburgh Pirates are one of the lowliest teams in the MLB, so don't expect Rinku on the mound of World Series, but the sheer surrealism and wonder makes it all worth it.

We have now entered a stage where reality shows are producing actual positions with actual effects. Sure, Donald Trump hired apprentices and the kids from Real World Seattle tried to run a radio show, but here are some reality stars that will be there on Sportscenter and the sports page for all to see. Last time I heard of Richard Hatch, he was running away from the IRS. They will even get their own baseball cards. That seals you into Americana! I do hope this becomes the standard in sports. I keep expecting to read the paper and see the Browns are having open tryouts. People could show up at Public Square downtown and bring a pair of cleats and some comfortable work out clothes. They get three trys to make a touchdown pass. The highest rankings gets to start next Sunday. Why not put it on TV?

Even better than their story is their blog. The Slate piece does a great job at covering the beautiful madness that are their posts, but I will mention my favorite. In this tough economic time, you still have to marvel at the sincere and wondrous views of America from two 19-year old guys from rural India.

Here is post from a month ago, "We went with JB sir to breakfast at a great American breakfast eatery called Dennys. Rinku ordered a breakfast aclled the Lumberjack. We now know that a Lumberjack is a person who works as a tree cutter in the forrest so they must eat a lot of food. this breakfast was quite huge. It had eggs, bacon, sausage, ham, potatos, breads, and pancakes. I had French Toast and both meals were very fulfilling."

I LOVE IT! The broken English and the sheer sincerity of it. No one in America talks so honestly. Welcome, boys! Denny's, a great American eatery? Well, I guess it is when you think about and imagine the first time you decided to get that Grand Slam. Or when your friends split three orders of Mozzarella sticks after a concert. Don't think about the last time you went there and left the place with indigestion. There are some neat memories at the Dennys and these kids love it. I also dig the lumberjack explanation. The guys' impressions of the U.S. fill me with some pride and some laughs. It really is dumb that we trademark a plate of food as "The Lumberjack," but if anyone was going to do it, it was going to be America. Fuck yeah!

Good luck to Rinku and and Dinesh! You know I will try to get to the game when the Pirates come into town and hopefully see one of you pitch.

Peace!

Chai Christmas Countdown Day 4

Success! We have sprouts! Take a look.


Well, the picture is not the best quality, but all those little white dots are sprouts. I feel like a I am back in third grade and the kidney bean I planted in a plastic cup has split open. Life!

Little cotyledons are coming up from the grooves. I hope for some actual green before Amanda and I leave town for the weekend. Don't worry. I will have updates as soon as I return and will put up some non Chia related posts via Blogger's time release feature.

Peace!

Chia Christmas Countdown Day 3

All quiet on the Chia front.

I removed the star from the top because I had no reason to light up the tree. Once we get some sprouts, I will turn it on and ring in the season Chia style.

Peace

Chia Christmas Countdown Day 2

It is the second day for our little Chia tree and it still looks like a science experiment. Of course, I did not expect any growth by the second day (The box predicts 3 to 5 days), but something besides a mess would have been nice.

No need for pictures because of the lack of change. I did mist it a few times yesterday* and spraying your terracotta doodad with a spray of water makes you feel like a real winner. I imagine this is what mushroom farming feels like except without the eventual dinner. Not that I have put eating Chia sprouts beyond me. I will do it for the Christmas countdown.

I already did so for the leftover seed gel. The package is not kidding around when it says you will not need all of the seeds. We, indeed, used as directed and still ended up with a good three teaspoons of the gel. What else to Chia besides the lining of me esophagus? Nothing horrible or great tasting right there, however. They slid down all slimy like and I was once again reminded of eating a passion fruit. I suggest you try one if eating Chia gel is not up your alley. I would describe the sampling as eating watery Jell-O with kiwi seeds dislodged from the embedded fruit

More updates to come. Peace!

*There is a one day delay on these pieces since I usually write them late at night. Hence, Day 2 was actually Tuesday, December 9, 2008.

Chia Christmas Countdown Day 1

First comes the setup.

I defaulted back into the same mentality I used while building Legos as a kid. My father had this obsessive compulsive habit of arranging all the pieces by shape, size, and color before building. It made them easier to find, but it took longer for that damn rocket ship to come together. I usually turned to the box and worried over the neat accessories like the helmets and little walkie talkies. When I did build, I would dig for the pieces in the box and whittle down the pile into a completed Lego.

The same happened with the Chia. The box said soak overnight. What!? It is my personal theory that nothing originally marketed on TV should have the word "overnight" in its instructions. That baby better work as soon as it gets home, because I waited 6 to 8 weeks of shipping. But then the instructions said soak for an hour. Whew! That is what I get for trusting the box. Legally binding arrangements are never printed on cardboard. That should have been my first clue.

Meanwhile, Amanda soaked the seeds. The Chia seeds (Salvia hispanica) look like tiny river stones and vary in how they switch from blue to white and then to granite. When wet, they release a gel like substance that binds them together. I originally thought this was a chemical additive, but it appears to be a natural property.

The wet seeds reminded me of passion fruit seeds which also come packed in an equally tenuous jelly cluster. We slather on gobs of the Chia gel onto the sculpture. That thing is no Thomas English Muffin and we had to guide the seeds into the grooves with out fingers. You had to get a rhythm down and stick to it. I had luck rotating the sculpture's base around my finger and letting the rotation spread everything around. Once completed, we ended up with a...slime tree.


Gravity started taking it to the thicker sections and the gel began to drip over the bottom edge. However, in a few minutes everything stabilized and we had our little alien hive. The thing looks like a pair of frogs humped on it, but I remain faithful that it will soon sprout.

The star is off in that picture, but it is pretty nifty. The color changing happens progressively and isn't manic like some sets of Christmas lights.

The drip tray takes a bit away from the wonder, but it is necessary. I will try removing it once the sprouts are fully grown. Either I would have beat the system or I will need a new TV. Either way, you win.

Day 1 complete. Peace!

Chia Christmas Countdown

The back is coming back to life and what better way to celebrate than with a Chia?

Yes, that Chia. The one available at Walgreens, Rite-Aid, CVS, and other fine retailers nationwide.

Amanda and I noticed this particular piece of Americana on TV the other night, and, damn does advertising work, because we immediately snatched one up at the local drugstore.

We got the Chia tree. It is basically a terracotta pine with grooves cut into the boughs. It includes a small opening at the top where you can slide a color changing LED star. We intend to use it as our Christmas tree and put teeny tiny presents underneath it. That saves us a ton of money. New buttons and safety pins all around!

The commercials (Ch-ch-ch-chia!) are forever etched into my brain. Chia Pets are made by the same guys that sell the Clapper, so they come with an advertising pedigree. If things keep going the way they are right now, you might not see an American car in a few generations. But there will always be Chias to pick up at the gas station or end of the supermarket aisle.

I did some research into them for this post and they are not just the product of an advertising wiz. They originate from a Mexican handicraft tradition where chia plant seeds are spread over clay figures. The grass that grows on the sculpture imitates fur and adds a bit of whimsy. Not too different from our setup, except for the marketing which produced a rare Mr. T Chia back in the A-Team hey days! Check it out here. You can watch his mohawk grow, but good luck trying to get him on an airplane.

What makes Chias so popular? Maybe it is the growth. Gardening is a popular hobby and even those without a green thumb might dabble with a houseplant or two. It is a knick knack, but the hint of life gives it some more authenticity. Here is something that should be cared for and not just left to collect dust. And there is the nostalgia factor as well. I was truly excited to setup my first Chia, feeling as if I were about to partake in an enduring tradition. This wasn't just a novelty item. It was part of the lexicon. I only needed my Pet Rock, Clapper, and Thigh Master to feel complete.



On to the experience. I will track the progress of our Chia tree on the blog throughout the holidays and see how this works out. Is it as easy as the commercials make it seem? Or is it a houseplant lite?

Peace.

Fever Dreams

Last week, I had a horrible cold that make my asthma flare up and bronchioles go all aflutter.

I treated it with a mixture of everything we had in the medicine cabinet. However, those were mostly second string treatments. The only rescue inhaler I had was the OTC Primatene Mist stuff. Any asthmatic unfamiliar this relic is lucky. The active ingredient is adrenaline, one of the earliest and first improved upon asthma treatments. It jumps starts your lungs by inducing a smaller version of the "fight or flight" response in your brain. To the uninitiated, imagine trying to cure your cold with an IV of Red Bull and you could get the picture. After repeated uses, the stuff stops to work, but I actually kept taking it for a slight tiny jonesing for the Styrofoam taste of it. Also, it comes in a bulbous container colored the same buff yellow of a whitehead pimple. Seems like an odd design for something that is pure adrenaline. They need to make this bad boy sexy and fierce looking. Maybe a lightning bolt or a racing stripe! It will kick that crap out of your asthma...for 10 minutes! And then it will move on to your throat!

Also, my Vicks Vapor Rub had expired. I had no idea that stuff could expire and that little date etched into the side was not fibbing. The stuff didn't work! I lather my chest and throat in the slime and felt no soothing vapors. I was just slimy. I might as well have tried to slip into a wet suit or slide down an air duct for all the grease that was on me.

The first night of the cold, I slept in intermittent periods of 15 minutes. As the night progressed at the same pace of a hockey game, I had a continuing dream where I was in prison. Not a regular prison, but a single dark room. The plaster on the walls was colored yellow, but that color had to come through black and brown smears. There was a chair. It was spindly, with metal legs and a puffy vinyl cushion with the seams coming apart. The only light came from a small barred window high up off the floor where the wall and ceiling met.

In the dream, I had the feeling I had done something horrible. I never figured out why I was trapped, but it was a heinous crime for sure. The only hint was a nagging feeling that many people had died, but it had all been an accident. An accident I caused.

I spent the night coming in and out of the dream. The room in the dream reciprocated well with our own sparse bedroom. A few times, I awoke and thought that I was still trapped. Except this time it was in China and the nagging guilt only felt stronger because everything in this room (i.e. the bedroom) was palpable and tangible.

After that evening, I spent the day feeling a bit better, but by the evening I had relapsed. We ended up going to the urgent care and getting an asthma treatment and some prescriptions. I also learned that I had the early stages of an upper respiratory infection and ended up on antibiotics. All better now, however. And you got a blog post out of it!

Peace!