G in The ABC

Write out La Oreja de Van Gogh's Geografia's lyrics and well its going to hurt. Especially if you translate them into English. Major cringe factor akin to that time in the 90s when commercials and shows THOUGHT they knew what rapping meant and had everyone try and spit fire.

I had never seen the vidoe before this and it also makes no sense. For a song that is all about intimacy, its folks having a big jazzy street jam.

I shouldn't be so derisive. I like this song! The lyrics are quite poetic but typing them out...trust me they sound better in Spanish. I mean...

I would like to start a country with you. So words like motherland, flag, nation, border, race or destiny would make sense to me

OR

I would love if our country had, a huge arsenal of cuddles under the sea

OR

Give me your hand so we can take this boat celebrating with a kiss the day that is today

Written out like that they are anime ending song lyrics that make no sense. Cringe factor 100%. Once, I tried to flirt with a girl by asking what color her underwear was and I didn't cringe as much then. Really feel it in your stomach as it falls out.

It sounds better for sure. Don't let any this discourage you from giving a list And even if you can't speak Spanish there is a neat spicy guitar.

F in the ABC

No one reads these posts but based on the few metrics I have seen I can tell they are either somewhere in the US and/or Ukraine. I am going to be they may not be a Spanish speaker albeit that is quite an assumption considering how common its in the US. And what do I know about Ukraine?

But, I like to think that anyone reading this assumes any Spanish tracks I have are super deep obscure cuts. Stuff you need to listen to while sitting pointing in a westward direction. And not the "rock en español" version of  Aerosmith's Crazy.



This song dropped like a bomb in late elementary school with the bluesy twang and lyrical jamming.
By now, it is fairly quaint and schmaltzy, something your parents listened to. In my case it was my paternal grandfather trying to mimic the chorus but in a low awkward echo. Imagine a 70 year old woman just repeating the words of your favorite song 4 solid seconds after the singer has sung. That was La Flaca by Jarabe de Palo.

E in the ABC

Did you think I have taste? I am a guy who writes a blog no one reads where I elaborate on the shoulder fins of mecha and talk about Nic Cage's Firebirds for fun. A favorite food of mine was tacos de sal which is where I would heat up a flour tortilla in a pan with butter and salt. I only stopped because my doctor told me it was hell for my A1C not because I became suddenly that much more erudite.

All that said, here is a cover song which I enjoy much more than the original. Lorde's cover of Tear for Fear's Everybody Rules the World just has that cinematic feel to it. Could this song be a trailer to something? Could it play as you walk into some big work meeting right in front of the board of directors. Does a beat drop before some big boom? Put that right into my ears, please!

No slander to the original which endures for good reasons beyond it is a great song to jam into any villain reveal. These sound like totally different songs with very different feels. The OG one is a court jester poking fun and tilting the king while the Lorde version is actually leading the king to the guillotine




And I much prefer Pale Shelter by Tears for Fears anyway, which could have been P in the ABC but just blew my shot right here, right now.

Books I Should Have Read Already-Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Libraries re-opened recently so I got the fourth book and the work keeps on going.

***Spoilers down below***

• I appreciate that this book begins with something that isn't Harry at the Durnsleys. We are four books in and we are doing something different beyond re-hashing the start. That scene does make Voldemort seem appropriately sinister where to me, the aforementioned four books in, he has come off as kind of a big nothing. 
• Oh well second chapter keeps the tradition going so nevermind.
• I think it is silly that Harry never gave the Weasleys some kind of money considering he is loaded. I know we get a throw away line that "they would never accept it" but doesn't feel earned or truthful. 
• In the absence of Voldemort is there any evil in the Wizard World. Beyond being a villain he seems to be THE SOURCE of all conflict in the magical world. Like if Voldemort never existed the biggest villains would be Draco's sneer and like the pranks of the Weasley bros?
• I enjoyed the spat between Harry and Ron over Ron's very legitimate feelings of being overlooked. I think his own mother loves Harry more so yeah I would be a bit peeved. Sure, should have listened to your pal and assume he is being truthful but don't blame you for feeling raw about those, my boy Ron.
• Four books in I care very little about Harry but want more and more of this world. The other Wizarding schools. The cup. The interactions with the Muggle word. With that said, I really liked Cedric Diggory what with his nobility and good lucks and acumen. So, of course he fucking dies. Some serious Duncan Idaho from Dune vibes right there save they brought Idaho back from the dead in Dune because why not bring back the charming, sexy, talented guy? Man, that irks me. But, at least he gets a decent send off. An office crush told me once I should be sorted in Hufflepuff and maybe I should have because feel so bad for this short lived hero.
• On that, I appreciate how that house gets a bit more elaboration but what does Ravenclaw do? And their logo is an eagle!? BUT THE NAME RAVEN IS RIGHT THERE!
• This books is way too long even with the above stated. It picks up with the Voldemort reveal scene, which DOES feel very earned and foreboding. 
• I will admit skimming the inevitable villain exposition at the end because these are some complicated 9th degree 3D chess convolutions and the get foiled because Harry is lucky. There are several deus ex machinas here. The one with Harry in the duel is lovely as he coaxes the ghosts of eveyrone Voldermort has killed to protect him but HE DOESN'T DO ANYTHING! It just happens....because it needs to happen! Then the reason is a quirk in wand design. Not because he is pure of heart but because of WAND DESIGN. At least pure of heart would jive better with the epic quest aspect. 
• The Moody/Barty Crouch sub villain plot is also a Byzantine pretzel of "umm...oks." At first I thought it was going to be this kind of Starscream inspired plot where a henchmen kills the hero to get the one up on the main villain (For a Star Wars analogy kind of like Darth Maul to Vader in all the recent canon) but instead it was all part of the plan! As well!
• The last chapter is called "The Beginning." How many more of these books are there?
• Knowing that the senior Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle families are indeed evil are their kids also evil? Because at the end if it is pretty frank Draco is saying Harry is going to die now that Voldemort is back.

Reading this book 20 years after its initial printing none of these questions are new or fresh and yeah it would have been fun to argue over these in 10th grade. THis is me putting to paper my first sense of FOMO for not catching the bug earlier combined with the fact JK Rowling has transfigured into an insane toxic monster. At least, I was on the Dune train WAY back when before the movie comes out in December. If it does, that is. Here comes more FOMO

D in the ABC

I wrote a piece about Disintegration by Jimmy Eat World already. 

As you read these you will notice  much of the choice center around transportation. And reveries set to these little soundtracks. I rarely want to be where I actually am. These jams make everything feel that much more heroic or, at minimum, satisfying. And Disintegration, particularly the instrumental crescendo around 4 minutes in, is pure daydream centered around my "women with swords" penchant. I once told someone (at a much younger and dumber age) that I sometimes fantasized about her fighting others in our share sphere and she responded "That's Ok. I know I kick a lot of ass in them." Bullet dodged and nothing beyond that mere exchange but this is that jam. Note this song is far from it. Its about drugs, addiction, and a broken relationship bust listen to it and imagine yourself stepping into any errand or meeting ready to absolutely win.


To wrap up...this whole bit could be mostly Jimmy Eat World songs but this is the one. And its a fairly "deep track" of their considering it is one random EP record from the mid 00s. The song got played on a One Tree Hill episode which is a show, like my attempt at veganism, I tried to watch to impress a girl, but when you hear it people will often say "Oh, like on OTH!" And if you only knowm Jimmy Eat World from "The Middle" then too bad for you. That song is awful and means nothing, which makes sense why it became such a hit.

C in the ABC

Don't know enough about "rock en español" to compare Cafe TaCvba (Not a typo. It is like the U in Chvrches, another neat band. Name is pronounced Cafe TA Cuba) but they have been around forever and changed their sound. Re, the album El Ciclon is on, is the Fleetwod Mac's Rumors of the "rock en español." Every kid had it and every song is a banger. El ciclon is not as manic as others but it has that great nasal rap chord jam and poetic lyrics in which the assert God is female something I never noticed until this re-listen.

What does this remind me of? These seemingly enter summer long weekend trips to family friends in Guanica, a sleep town in an already drowsy part of the island best known for being the point where the US invaded in 1898 Spanish-American War.* At this point the island's edge loops and pits into endless rocky crags and isolated peninsulas surrounded by mangroves and dry rain forest. Here was Gloria's house with the huge indoor courtyard landscaped with hills and snake plants. She was later murdered, found stuffed in a bag miles away. And also Playa Santa where at the end of the bay someone had mounted a concrete Virgin Marry statute into a rocky alcove. Edi and Mundito's house where they kept the washing machine outside and had a pomegranate tree. The third Die Hard movie and Batman Forever.




*This make it sounds MUCH more involved then it actually was. More happened in the background of wherever you are reading this post than what happened in Puerto Rico during the Spanish American War.

B in the ABC

I am beyond sorry but it has to be Baby Got Back by Sir Mix A Lot. Only true lewd song on here. But it was beyond impressive if in the 6th grade if you knew EVERY damn word to this song and yes, your boy here got there. It almost topped Gangsta Paradise. Something I repeated in high school with Clint Eastwood by Gorillaz.




This song once came on the car radio and both kids in the back screamed it was a nasty song. "ITS ABOUT BUTTS!? WHAT?!"

They will age into it. Maybe?

A in the ABC

Every so often something will go viral on Twitter where you need to share some sort of cryptic album.

Show your favorite albums from the year you turned 18

In one gif describe the perfect movie

With one image describe your childhood crush

I am a sucker for these because I have a a deep desire to connect with folks, which is quite counter to my introverted nature. But, engage from a distance like the 240 characters of Twitter. Or a reply chain in the workplace Slack. Actually, talk to someone in person?! Oh, I am not that brave.

Ill answer those online surveys but like much on Twitter I am shouting into a void. Pornbots don't read and if you don't get likes does it exists? Beyond being something incriminating later for a potential employer to find. 

"Im sorry, you said that you unironically liked Smash Mouth in 1998. That is not Hexaco material. Sorry"

Its all kind of boring. Which is why i type on the blog. Biggest fear is someone will find this and say "Hey, it is that guy from college! Or work! Look at this shit he typed!"

But, its all boring. Some colleague will find it and decide they could spend their time better reading a Buzzfeed listicle. 

It exists for the record so here is a longer meme on songs/bands you like. One for every letter in your name, but made longer. One for every letter in the alphabet because I need content. Maybe this series will help you profess your deep seeded love for me? Or galvanize your disdain? These are hate reads, right? Or, give you something to read while sipping coffee.

So A for....

Amish Paradise by Weird Al Yankovic

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I haven't listened to much Weird Al in the last 20 years but from about 6th to 9th grade, damn was he my jam. Like, I knew the words to Albuquerque from Bad Hair Day and The Night Santa Went Crazy.

I bet kids no longer do this (or maybe it was isolated to my little slice of 6th grade) but what gave you major cred was knowing the lyrics to songs. If you had liner notes from a CD then you were invited to all the parties!*

If you knew the words to Coolio's Gangsta Paradise then you were a god. There were other songs that could get you there but few things could top that. If at all.

I had a rich friend in the 6th grade who stood up in the middle of homeroom and declared that for his birthday he would take everyone in the grade to El Conquistador, a huge resort in Fajardo on the other side of the island. And he would take everyone in a fleet of limos.
When this hit the 6th grade coconut line and everyone told their moms that "hey this was happening and yo, where is my swimsuit?"
The following day, this friend, well he had to walk that back and say he could only take a few friends but, hey, I was one! And we listened to a tape of Gangsta's Paradise endlessly for the one hour drive there. So, effectively rewinding track 1 of the Dangerous Minds soundtrack.

I could never get to that level but I memorized all the words to Amish Paradise which didn't impress anyone until the intern at my warehouse job became the new manager and he was also a Weird Al fanatic. But, a true one that still goes to concerts. More power to him.




*The Ace of Base song The Sign caused a war in the 6th grade with the debate of whether it was The Sign or The Sun. No one had the liner notes. And we had some LOADED people at the school. "The name of the song is...The Sign," once said a coworker to me upon telling them this story. 'Didn't you guys realize that from the title?" It was a simpler time.

R in the ABC

Run The Jewels

Holy shit why didn't anyone tell me this group existed?! I only learned about them in the summer of 2020 when everything was going to shit and this came on the Sirius alternative station. 

There is not one single bad verse or rhyme. Pure blue cold fire. There are just two human beings in their 40s just producing scintillating energy. Their rhymes are like excellent movies. Something you can listen to and hear something new each time. A new scratch. A different inflection in the rhyme. It is the Into The Spiderverse of rap music. It cannot be in the background while you just mindlessly file papers or play Halo or NBA 2K.

My favorite is Walking in the Snow which I think perfectly condenses their engaging hooks and elaborate rhymes combined with collaboration and production values. If, like me, you discovered them in 2020 then it is the sound of moment. Also, how incredibly badass is the line "Just got done walking in the snow, goddamn that mother fucker cold"

Dear readers, you know I am going to try and jam this into a work email or something.

"Hey guys I just got done walking in the snow
Oh geeze this guy must be cold
Hey yo you in the wrong mode if you think
you can get paid with no PO
This whole world is set by masters far removed
So don't feel bad when you come back used"

Oh and that logo with the one fist making the gun and the other making the hand (supposeldy clenching a chain)? Yo, put that on the front of a shield because I will go to battle with that as my crest. 

Bumblebee

Along the shale river rock of a Great Lake stream, I marveled when i saw a humble suttuer and grate into a hole in the ground. Dont they live in hives? A notch in a tree? 

No, apparently not. They burrow. 

I am glad I witnessed this for it prepared me to find bumblebees in my basement. Drowning themselves in the spare bathrooms toilet. Or turning into husks as they try to head butt through the window blocks. 

Where are they coming from? The dryer exhaust? The PVC ventilation for the furnace? Or its a crack in the foundation. On my neighbors side where they edge everyday for stark lines against their opponents driveway. 

Its unnerving seeing a dead bumblebee in my basement by the derby trophy and stack of Inquest magazines. Its the whale and bowl of flowers from Hitchhiker's Guide. How did it get here? It has to be a sad story. 

Wow, Quibi Sucks

On a lark I got a trial subscription to Quibi, the wonky perpetually doomed phone only streaming service. You only need a casual glance through the news to find all the foibles with Quibi most pointedly a Vulture piece. The one thing I will add is that whatever Quibi is/was (If maybe you are reading this in the future. OR THE PAST?! HOW DOES THAT WORK) it was made be people who never heard the word no. This fills no gap in the media landscape so unless you appreciate the sheer novelty (or love Reno 911!) I do not suggest going past the two weeks of your trial. 

Sometimes restrictions breed creativity. I imagine the little 10 minute segment and scheduled cuts and "just your phone format" could make for some neat ideas. If anyone does that on Quibi I haven't found it yet. Instead these all feel like the kind of shows OTHER shows would make up to parody. Imagine if someone made the movies from the fake trailers in Tropic Thunder but then the chopped up into 10 minute segments you can only see on your phone! 

I didn't watch every show on Quibi (I only had 14 days) but here are my hot takes on what I tried

50 States of Fright

This is a big one. 50 stories, one from each state about a chilling terror tale. That has some potential. Mothman for West Virginia! Jersey Devil for NJ. Some cowboy and natives stuff for Texas and Oklahoma. And, first episode of it is directed by Sam Raimi! One thing about Quibi is they GOT some big names.

And, its pretty much just the same sort of stuff you see on dramatic recreations on Unsolved Mysteries. Generic urban ghost story stuff. First one is a Michigan story and nothing of it to me feels representative of Michigan. Hell, It Follows is set in Detroit and that FEELS more Michigan and Great Lakes then this. 

Now, this story is broken up into three 10 minute episodes. So The Golden Arm Part 1. Golden Arm Part 2, etc. 

WHY CANT THIS JUST BE ONE 30 MINUTE SHOW!? THEY JUST TOOK A MINI MOVIE AND BROKE IT INTO 3 PIECES FOR MAXIMUM QUIBI EFFECT!

That's some BS Quibi. Its like when Panera folds over your piece of turkey over 20 times so it looks like hot damn I am getting this massive club sandwich but no it is just one piece folder over enough times to double as a ladder!

Agua Donkeys

Quibi describes this show as deadpan. Which is code for "not funny." Skip this. The premise is also bonkers as this shitty tiny pool some how merits enough staff for attempts at an Office style shtick.

Vox Answered

Oh, cmon! These are just those short "Now This" videos you see on Facebook or Twitter except there are no words so you can read it while pooping in the stall at work. That way no one knows you are watching videos while pooping on company time. The one I saw was "Why Am I Seeing More Rats?" I feel dumber for watching this.

60 in 6

There was a time when 60 Minutes was must see TV for me. Note that was also a time when all I had a was 13 inch TV and a so basic it should be called primitive cable connection that just got me 12 channel and then History and AE illegally and with wonky Max Headroom distortion. But, I love that intro

I''m Lesley Stahl

I'm Morley Shaffer

I'm Anderson Cooper on Assignment

This and Andy Rooney on 60 Minutes

 

You would watch it just for Andy and his original master ranter

That is what Quibi needs. Just stream those Andy Rooney bits. I would PAY for that

This show? Its shortened versions of what would make for larger and better true 60 Minutes bits. Fine, but we would benefit from taking MORE time with news

Flipped

This one is OK. Kaitlin Olson and Will Forte are failed narcissists who end up remodeling houses for a drug cartel.It has a Triangle Waist and Shirt Coat Factory fire joke! Children of the fire! Even passable nothing in the Quibi format lends any strengths to this. Make a couple of 30 minute episodes! Then its just an OK show as the least smelly turd on Quibi

Memory Hole

Ok, this one I liked but its checks a lot of boxes for me. 

Will Arnett hosts it and I appreciate how he has committed to just channeling Gob Bluth 24/7 now.

Pokes fun at old and obscure pop culture. For someone who has very early Internet memories around SeanBaby, Agony Booth, and Good Bad Flicks this is my comfort food. 

Has some funny bits and demands attention like MST3K. The phrases "North Korean Jubilee" and "Robin Thicke as a horny Bettlejuice" have entered the lexicon.

The show is very Canadian. Not in a Kids in the Hall Way or Degrassi way. But in that is directly references it. In the PSA episode Will Arnett mentions "Canada had no big PSAs" and in the workout video episode his brief sketch is a Canadian themed workout video. One episode is all about a Canadian televised stadium show for the debut of SkyDome which WAS insane but that pitch is way to narrow. This wanted to plant its flag up north but alas no. Maybe it was pitched to the CBC and they were "Fuck no. Get out of her and take this shit to Quibi or maybe that guy who makes shadow puppets outside the drugstore."

And the irony on Quibi likely getting a Memory Hole treatment in 30 years. Well that is chef's kiss.

I know the Princess Bride: Home Movie is the big get for Quibi but not going to lie I never got too hyped for that movie. Its good but, well, you read this blog and know what I want to get my nerd jam on. And, that is horrible phrasing. I am sorry.

If you come to this blog for advice then I, again, am sorry but when it comes to Quibi I suggest avoiding. Or get the free trial and jam everything in two days because no joke you can do that. 

Furtive Dream Journal 2

I took an Benadryl to counteract a surprise allergy attack that popped up in the evening. I live in a death trap of cats and dust mites that is only kept at bay by a cocktail of prescriptions. Four pills and a puff to make sure I don't wake up wheezing and sweaty. Perhaps that pill was related to this sequence.

I dreamed that me, a co worker, the boyfriend of some yoga teacher I follow on Instagram, and then a random Spanish man all had to go to a Magic the Gathering tournament. And we were in one of those nameless cities from bad movies. All brutal concrete and Geo Metros. But I messed up and we came at the wrong day so, in a dream wipe, ended up at Townhall restaurant, a place infamous in Cleveland for being run by a litigious and racist jerk off owner. Disgusted by ourselves we then snuck over to a children's hospital where we had to steal a pillow from the second floor. It was an open air hospital with green courtyards framed by mossy paver paths. It reminded me a hospital I visited in Nicaragua or my own elementary school where at any moment the outside world could vine in through the steel shutter windows. Here were were joined by the tall gym teacher from my school and my father in law. They helped us weave through a shanty town built over a swamp that abutted the hospital and towards a highway which is when I woke up. 

Kindergarten Draft Pick

In what little power my position offers, I got to choose my daughter's kindergarten teacher today. This is a small but powerful luxury i used on my son to great effect. Setting up my daughter to succeed!

Note my position offers an overwhelming amount of accountability with little ability to influence said execution of it. The gig is herding dozens of ball kicking cats in a "hurry up and wait" fashion. I'm writing the rule book while also simultaneously finding exceptions to it. This makes me think that is what being a Congressperson must feel like. Except those prices get kick backs. Insider trading tips and the Capitol Hill barber. I get to choose from the Group of educators who will be subject to the now quadruple awkward exchanges. 

"Hey, your kid bit me."

Whelp. That is awkward. I'm sorry. So so sorry.

"Hey, I caught your staring at my ass at the copier. While making a worksheet. For your kid."

At this point I want to die. If it helps I think you are super cute from any angle. Ok, that did not help.

"Hey, where is my reimbursement for those notebooks. Or why didn't the custodian cleanup the dust under my desk. Or..."

Ok, here I can get a bit defensive. You know that the receipt was late and...nope now I feel awful and awkward and small. Fire me. Well, ill fire myself after you suggest I should. Just be nice to my kid. Or, just be fair. You are all pro, yes?

Its the "my kid" That makes everything sunburn tickling your shirt tags uncomfortable.  Not just random strangers but a spider web network or concentric layers. A goofy vent diagram where the person utterly paralyzed to have any of these talks is a flat circle with me in the middle.

Furtive Dream Journal

I have a repeating dream where my daughter slips from a dock or a boat and then slithers down into the water, bubbles trailing above. The action is sudden and scene snapping with no warning. Just a soft slip and silky splash. Sometimes the water is green like a pond in name only with underwater fronds and sometimes it is black and cosmically deep. There is no sense of panic or calamity in the dream. I wake up and she is still in the house sometimes sleeping and sometimes awake but always dry

Floor is Lava

Netflix has a new show called Floor is Lava and while everyone spent this holiday weekend watching Hamilton, I rewatched the aforementioned.

Give it a try! Don't be a snob. You already saw Hamilton so give Lava a try. The premise is simple...its an obstacle course game show where you have to cross a themed room (like a bedroom or planetarium) and the floor is dyed water made to bubble and foam like cartoon lava. Teams of 2 to 3 people try to clamber over there and fastest and/or most survivors wins.

Its writer strike fair. Or the kind of stuff Netflix gobbles up to see what sticks but has that infectious game show vibe for the whole family. How would you leap from couch to couch? Maybe if you scream louder the people will actually hear you and realize they need the key in the pizza oven to open the extension on the dining room table. How would your family fare? Coworkers? I would certainly die in the first leap.

And when you fall into the drink the show edits it as if you don't come back. Just slip into the lava and gone. Nice touch when really it is probably 3 feet deep in there.

The show needs decidedly unfit people. Sure that is in the casting call. Physically fit people because not everyone on the show is some hardcopy but everyone is active. One contestant boast she can do yoga on a stand up paddelboard. Like, so what? I can eat a crunch wrap in the car without spilling any of it 

Fastest time? A pair of rock climbers. Oh, look at that!

No, show needs the "real" America. Needs people like

Those guys who say they could beat Serena Williams at tennis. Honestly, any of the guys who respond with "make me a sandwich" gags to any news concerning a female athlete.

Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite types. See also Al Bundys.

Almost served guys who had an uncle in the service so that kind of counts, right?

Your gym teacher

An assortment of people with just annoying enough conditions to make sure they bounce right off the damn pyramid and into the lava. People with bursitis, extra dry skin, and/or restless leg syndrome.

All these would make fine additions. Just have your team name handy.

Writing Prompt: Under A Fruit Tree

Its writing prompt time! The last few posts have seen readers of 3! Three people reading the posts. One even had 4 people. Which means you can't all be Russian porn/disinformation bots!* Maybe it is my wife because she is so proud of me! Or, my co-workers who think I am so hilarious! Or, strangers lead here because they went to the SECOND page of Google results and this came up when you searched "bad takes" or "work crush" or "an essay on the Nick Cage file Fire Birds."

I turned the page and honestly got a prompt about vampires. I do not like vampires and there is already way too much purple prose on them so I batted my eyes to the next page and saw "A man falls asleep under a fruit tree. He wakes up to hear a hissing sound and he sees..."

Nelson had this horrible habit of falling in love with people on the Internet. The response to the pandemic only heightened this since there was nothing to do but consume. He found whimsy in the cutesy energy of the Tiny Kitchen Instagram account and how they made omelets for gnomes with quail eggs. And saving memes from all the subs and mains of Reddit to show friends and coworkers for the expected time everything would go back to normal. With podcasts he imagined how the casters looked and would then compare and contrast them to his expectations. And he had fallen in love with a single mom casting about living her life during the pandemic. Dana and the Distant But Close Mom Hour. She worked from home but she also had two toddlers so how do you manage that. And she had this struggle to balance between "Internet basic" and "woke" so one cast was about crafting tips and the other an interview with the ED of the LGBTQ center in Gordon Square.

And in one casts, deep into the endless May of the pandemic, she sounded beyond defeated. It was posted at 2am and he got the alert and listened and it sounded like she was broadcasting from under a blanket with a stuffy nose and a sleeve of cookies next to her. It was a nadir of a cast to purge negative feelings of trying to do it all. "I hate my sourdough starter, everyone. I don't need another living thing judging me and telling me, no showing me, how i fail it. I made crackers with it, folks."

Nelson's heart broke. He had found her on Facebook (He hated spending more time on it but what else was there to do) and imagined Dana without glasses, hair in a messy bun, and just hurt during that cast. He couldn't do anything but he ordered some books through her affiliate link and made sure to watch all the ads on the Youtube channel where she uploaded those version of her podcasts. 

He tried his hand at the bread baking. He would comment "Hey I tried your sourdough starter and it worked. Hang in there!"

It was a little monster. Feeding every day and rising and falling as the bubbles grew. Nelson went to an ornamental cherry tree he had in his yard. Another Twitter thread said you could catch more wild yeast that way. From under fruit trees and bushes. So he stretched muslin (Really an old paint towel) over the top and went under the cherry. There he read books never read from high school, reminded why he never cracked Crime and Punishment. Under the tree he feel asleep in the early June muggy heat. He had a dream where he imagined Dana, pushing back her Rivers Cuomo style glasses, and speaking into a radio mic like some ancient USO show that was interrupted by the shrill long coos of a catbird. Then it began crapping on him. A cold stream of bird diarrhea over his legs after he scrambled out of the way to miss crap hitting his head. In the panic he knocked over the sourdough starter. The wild active yeast glombed into the dirt and poured out through the frail muslin fiber. Then he channeled Dana, simply giving up, letting it feed the birds so as to not have judgments. 

* With the election coming in 4 months I assume some guy in Vladivostok flipped the switch on the server to do both

A List of Dreams

I've been dreaming often about work. You tell people that and they immediately jump to the salacious. Its why you don't tell someone that.

"Oh, hey. I had a dream last night and you were in it!" Seems so innocent but unless you have an eternal bond then it can be wild. That person has to be thinking, while they smile awkwardly or pretend not to be paying too much attention, "So is this a sex thing? Or a violence thing? Or both!?"

No, none of those. We are tainted by media that tells us dreams are true running sagas when they have the consistency of blown cigar smoke rings. Very cool in the moment but gone immediately. All the ethereal metaphors. Sand through your hands. That sudden boost of confidence when the perfect put back pops up. The sight line of dandelion seeds before they melt into the grass. All just melts away. I call shenanigans on seasons of TV shows where "it was all just a dream." I saw a brutal tweet where imagine, after all the Harry Potter books*, it just ended with him waking back up in the cupboard under the stairs. All just a dream!

So, no. I don't have enough dream time to come up with a dream where I  fantasize fantasize. Or playing some revenge fantasy. Instead they are images or brief moments that maybe get strung along into something cohesive with enough power to bother the hell out of me when I wake up and it is gone. "Fuck, that was a good one. I think."

It's a ton of "I thinks."

I've dreamt of boxes, an old dream to be truthful. But, while at my last job it was boxes falling in Tetris waves, now it is me having to open boxes. Endless ones in endless sizes. Shoe boxes and monster 24" inch ones. A whole damn gaylord box. Some triple wrapped in tape at each corner and others about to collapse. The contents doesn't matter. All opening and then carrying them to the dumpster. Here everything tumbles and gets caught beneath my feet so I wake up falling. 

Ive dreamt about my boss. Needing an answer but she is an image on a monitor and she just smiles and twirls her hair. Then I wake up with no answer.

Moldy books that cough back spores. Here is a copy of "The Kids Guide to Video Production**" and I open it up to a mycology bomb. What the fuck! Ack!

I learned a coworker is into kung-fu so I had a dream where they are in one of those martial arts outfits. The white ones with the belt. And they are working in that as if this is a 70's kung fu grindhouse movie. The kind WuTang clan writes songs about. At the copier ready for a crane kick, I guess. 

Lots of images of hair, like the pages of those salon books. But just flashes that remind me of coworkers. This is credit to a penchant to write up endless to do lists. I list them on Post it Notes and then cross them off while the edges curl from being rubbed by my wrists as I type on my laptop. These are the things I need to do. For these people. But it is the same people who cycle.

I don't want these the ephemerate so I am going to jot them down even if they are in bits and pieces. 

*Loyal readers will note I still have not finished the series as finding the 4th book has been tricky to get used/free as to not support Rowling. We will get there!

**Copyright 1991. This kid's school and/or parents had a lot of blank VHS tapes.

Helpless Happy Birthday

Today is my son's 7th birthday. Beyond all the celebration it marks two key times I felt totally helpless. Which is a key component to parenting as not everything is in your control. But this wasn't "Well I tried to get Johnny to read but we couldn't buy enough books" kind of helpless. This was dictionary definition helpless. A fish flopping in a dry cold ether of space helpless. Bad erotica helpless where they use the word mewl in the sentence. Because, in all other situations,s even in stressful situations, I will try to feign something or play it out in my head. Even just shake my fist in the air and scream "Damn it!" Its little bits like this...

 Did you hurt yourself? Err...well let me like fiddle around here while I look for that first aid kit I swear I keep in my car. You know, just in case. My keys are here somewhere. Oh, look here are the EMTs. Ok, bye. Good luck.

Then I race away and breather a deep hot breath of relaxation. I saved some face and that person got helped. Win-win.

So that day, I did not much. My wife and the doctors and nurses did all the work. As a 30 something male I will say that TV/movies have lied to me in two ways about women. Which, note that is not how you should learn about much, but especially over 50% of the human race, but there was a lot of good TV you see. First one is

1) All women wear matching bra and underwear. I know where this came from. MTV had a show called Undressed that was on around 11pm every night and it had lots of good looking teens and 20 somethings heavy petting in their underwear. Not going to talk much about it because there is a key wonkiness factor but episodes are all over Youtube. This is also not the post on the very rare and few times I got to test this theory.

2) Birth is a quick process, knocked out in a couple of hours. I call this the sitcom having a baby at the worst time rule. Ever watch Home Improvement. I know, I did to. We can be sorry together. Heidi had her baby on the way to the Car Guy of Year convention with Tim. Why the Car Guy of the Year convention is in boonie back of beyond Michigan and not Detroit (where the show was set) is beyond me but they needed to have that baby in a gas station in a snow storm. 

So, lets focus on number 2. And that feeling of helplessness. 

My wife, doing all the work, ask me to tie her hair back into a simple pony tail. Because she has got IVs in her arms and a fetal electrode running up her birth canal to monitor our son's vitals. And I just can't. I mean I am beyond reproach when it comes to anything with fine motor skills. Putting stickers on Legos? Oh, no way. I am just going to write Octan with this here sharpie don't mind me. Tie a tie? Mine look like the legs of guy who always skip leg day. Tie up her hair? Err, I got nothing. Luckily, a med student was there observing (My poor wife not just dealing with her own doctors an hovering parents but a plucky student who can't help medically but can watch) and was able to tie it back. 

However, the real sense of helplessness came when my son actually dropped into the birthing canal and they told my wife to start pushing. At the first contraction all the monitors started screaming and within one second about 7 doctors and nurses blasted in to assist the already 3 people in our room. And the massed around my wife and unborn son in a huddle of that periwinkle hospital scrub blue while I just stood in the corner. They screamed things like "code blue" and prep for surgery while alarms ringed those sharp submarine AAAOOOOGGAHHS from the movies. Over in the corner it was all the boiled down essence of awkwardness from every event in life. School dances holding up the wall. Sitting alone in the dining hall. Every first day at work. Going to a work conference by yourself. Waving at someone then realizing they were waiving at someone behind you. Hitting reply all on an email. All those turn to dust moments laced with dread that maybe she was dying? Or the baby? Both?

When the baby dropped and my wife's water formally broke my son's head hit the top of her pubic bone. So every time she pushed his head slammed into a wall and his vital spiked in a primal sense of panic. The doctors immediately whisked her away for an emergency c-section while I stood alone in the disheveled room. Towels and kidney basins dropped on the floor over wheel ruts left impervious to all cleaners. Its a huge room with the beige and rust and seafoam pastels favored by hospitals and cheap hotels. Outside the word was gone and it was nothing but void beyond the windows and runner drapes. Unable to help my wife, the staff and unable to effect the rush of that void. Feeling small and collapsing with the gravity to spark another Big Bang. 

Then, someone popped in and asked me to get dressed for the OR. 

In the OR, when he was born, the radio played "Call Me Maybe" by Carly Rae Jepsen, testament to how rote this all is to the doctor's chatting about what they will do over the weekend.