Speaking of Avatar and the clash between amazing visuals and lame storytelling, you should check out this interview between James Cameron and Peter Jackson that was reproduced on Slate. I found one bit from Jackson to be very salient. It summarizes my feelings about Avatar in a succinct format that does not mention Dune, Final Fantasy, or Transformers. I have quoted it below...
"Jackson: There are all great tools that people haven't quite gotten their heads around yet. But one of the things that has happened [is that] people focus on technology. Probably the film industry has been guilty; there's more attention spent on the technical aspects than the story. That's led to a self-fulfilling prophecy. People regard CGI as a gimmick, they almost blame CGI for a bad story or a bad script. They talk about CGI as if it's responsible for a drop in standards. We've gotten to a point now where there isn't nothing else we haven't seen. We've seen dinosaurs, we've seen aliens; with Avatar we've seen realistic creatures. I think we're going to enter a phase where there's less interest in the CGI and there's a demand for story again. I think we've dropped the ball a little bit on stories for the sake of the amazing toys that we've played with."
This may come as a shock to you loyal readers, but, I did not really dig James Cameron's new movie Avatar. This does not mean that I hated it. It left me feeling pretty "meh," which is how most big, loud summer blockbusters leave me feeling. And this wasn't supposed to be a big, loud summer blockbuster.
If you haven't heard of Avatar then you must be either 1) A member of the Taliban or B) Living in Ithaca, NY. It is Cameron's first return to film making in over a decade and has been much ballyhooed as the next step in movies. Like George Lucas, Cameron claims to have been sitting on this for years and waiting for special effects technology to catch up to his original vision. The thing cost $237 million dollars to make and has already netted $232 million in worldwide sales in just one weekend. If it hadn't been for all the snow on the East Coast this past weekend, then it could have made A LOT more money, but it will soon recoup that.
Avatar follows Jake Sully, a wheelchair bound U.S. Marine vet that must replace his twin brother on a scientific mission to the new world of Pandora. Pandora holds a rare mineral that an evil corporation wants because it sells for "$20 million a kilo." Going to need a really big Invisible Hand to move that stuff. The planet is also home to an indigenous race of 10 foot tall, blue, quasi-cat aliens called the Na'vi. Human researchers have been able to create biological robots of the Na'vi that humans can pilot with their brains. The science team on Na'vi, lead by the always wonderful to see Sigourney Weaver, uses these creations, called avatars, to communicated with the natives and better learn their culture. The evil corporation, which has an army of mercenaries I dub "Space Black Water," wants to use the avatars to infiltrate the Na'vi, learn their weaknesses and get more of that rock. Sully mans one of these avatars, falls in love with the alien babe and epic battles, training montages, and PG-13 alien sex continue.
A ton of effort went into Avatar. Cameron and his team even created a full, working Na'vi language that you can learn right after you memorize Klingon. To this end, the film is a huge success with visuals that are hyper realistic and engaging. We have scenes that are filled with all non-humans and these feel as solid as any scene with flesh and blood actors. There are moments where the CGI melds into actual stage props. The lush backgrounds of the Pandoran rain forest feel thick and real with the encompassing bird calls and jungle tweets needed to add more gravitas. If you are the kind of person that reads movie reviews before checking them out then, yes, Avatar is a visual wonder with a world that adheres to its own internal and highly detailed logic. Even if that logic is not in and of itself logical.
My problem was that I am getting more and more tired of liking movies because they look cool. I like a damn gun fight, but I really want that to have some substance. And if substance is too much, then I prefer it to be campy and self-aware or fun. When it comes to the actual story, Avatar falls right on its blue face and picks itself up with cliched archetypes. It's Dances With Wolves, The Last Samurai, or Lawrence of Arabia, whichever one you want really, set in space. The final battle reminded me just how dumb indeed it was for the Ewoks to defeat an entire legion of Imperial troops at the end of Return of the Jedi. It made me think of Fern Gully and I don't even remember the plot of that movie except that the rain forest was good and bulldozers were bad.
One reason I did not dig Avatar as much as possible is because I am a nerd. The story reminded me a lot of Dune, which is one of my favorite sci-fi stories of all time. If you haven't read Dune, then please do before you see Avatar because the last thing I want is for people to think Dune is like Avatar! Both stories are a tale about a young man who must go to a hostile, but beautiful, planet that is the only known source of a valuable commodity. The commodity is currently mined by an evil group that must share some of that space with new comers hoping to learn more about the environment they must steward. The boy meets a researcher who has made inroads with the natives who are both stewards of the environment and fierce warriors. After a great betrayal, the boy flees to the wilderness, falls in love with a native woman, learns the native ways and becomes their greatest hero.
There are characters in Avatar that are near clones of people in Dune. Jake Sully is Paul Atreides. The benevolent Navi researcher Grace Augustine is Liet Kynes. Evil general Colonel Miles Quaritch is the Harkonnes except with out the child molestation, which may be a good thing. Neytiri, Jake's Navi love, is Chani and her arranged marriage Tsutey is Stilgar even though Stilgar and Chani don't hook up in the book. All those crazy Pandoran creatures are just trying to be as cool as Shai Hulud, the mighty Sandworm.
Speaking of nerdiness, many of the visuals, particularly the glowing forest reminded me of scenes from the Final Fantasy games and that gets me thinking of bad Final Fantasy fan fiction. And video game cosplayers. And then I imagine someone else thought that and sneered, 'Hey that looks like the forest of the Fayth that Yuna and Tidus have sex in in FFX!" I am bit embarrassed to admit that I thought this as the last thing I want to do is apply plots from video games into my life. Reminds me of the time I tried writing an English paper in the 11th grade based on the flavor text of Magic cards. I was that cool.
Aside from these comparisons, the movie is a pretty standard anti-industrial warning that says it is not nice to mess with Mother Nature. I'm an environmentalist, so I appreciate the idea, but this is also the same idea as Frogs. The end battle is wonderfully rendered digitally, but feels hackneyed and drawn from a hundred much weaker action movies.
Considering all the hype for Avatar, I expected something greater with those great visuals but something to support them with. Lavishing praise on a movie because it looks really great is useful, but makes me feel like we are just watching a video game demo.
Peace!
***Author's note*** I did not see Avatar in 3D, which is akin to watching the Wizard of Oz on a black and white TV. Maybe the 3D does it for most folks.
And yes...I realize that the guy that just wrote this really loved Transformers back in 2007. And Star Wars. One of those was dumb and the other borrowed a lot from classic archetypes of the kinght errant. Both were visually stunning and I will argue both were fun, which I Avatar was not.
I enjoy houseplants. I use that verb, "enjoy," because I appreciate the interactions they offer. These are often something that the individual must actively seek out. They are plants, after all. But these moments, like watching our philodendron furl open a new and glossy leaf, can be very rewarding. I even enjoy my aquarium plants and how the Amazonian Sword has burst from the gravel so that its emerald leaves mimic the arch of an oil strike.
I have blogged about house plants before, so I feel this holiday PSA is both very helpful and pertinent.
Please, if you are tempted to buy a Norfolk Island Pine this Christmas, then do some research. Walgreen's sells six inch saplings by the checkout counter and they are decked out for Christmas with foiled line plastic pots and a half dozen tiny ornaments. And all for $6.99! Home Depot has two foot tall trees spray painted with glitter (Just like Britney Spears!) for just $9.99!
Yes, it is Christmas time. Yes, it has pine its name. But the thing hates the cold. I found that out the hard way after I killed my first Norfolk Island Pine after hauling it across the IC campus in the late December chill. And at night. I thought it could handle the cold for just those few minutes because it was a "pine." Why should it have a harder time than a Douglas Fir? Well...it did and the person who babysat it for me over winter break reported those early signs of atrophy and eventual death.
I really want to have a big Norfolk Island Pine like the ones you see in a waiting room. As a tropical plant, it has been exported around the world as an ornamental. I am still unsure about their ecological impact on a non-native ecosystem, but on a personal level they left vivid images of watching our neighbor's sixty foot pine tower over their cement bungalow. The prickly leaves of the younger trees tighten up as they get older and each long leaf becomes a braided green strand with the luster of snake skin.
Unfortunately, I have had horrible luck with my various Norfolks. We have had so many plants that we have brought back from the edge. We saved a coffee tree that someone left over night during the first Cleveland frost! But, I, and only I, often kill Norfolks in a few years. The leaves begin to calcify at the stem and convert from a bright green to a mineral green the color of chalkboards. This hardening spreads up the leaf, leaving the tips still glossy as the disease spreads up the leaf. Too much light? Too little? Too much water? Too little? I do not know as I have tried everything and combed the Internet. Maybe one day I will succeed, but I am taking it easy for now.
The Norfolks you see marketed along with the rest of the holiday merchandise are long lived trees that represent decades of nursery growth. You see that dirt they come in? That means they are supposed to live for a while and not end up on the curb on January 2nd. Indeed, you can use them as an alternative Christmas tree, but remember that you are going to keep it.
Now that the blog is back, we should also bring back one of the longest running bits.
Movies I Should Have Already Seen, Volume 3, Issue 8
This is the first MISHAS installment of the Hulu era. Or, at least the era in which I watch Hulu. That means that for you readers that want to play along, you can swing over to Hulu and watch the movie right now.
Watching movies on Hulu can prove engaging because of the comments people can post on each movie or show page. Because Hulu enforces an actual name policy, the posts tend to be a bit more put together than the average YouTube comment. Older movies and shows tend to attract many comments by what I assume are younger viewers often hammering the video. These are people that are also engaging in MISHAS and they mostly hate it. I read one comment asking for the movie to be remade with today's faster pace. That would be a mess with ten minutes of setup and another hour-and-a-half of gun fights. Every individual piece of every individual gun would be separatelymic'ed to intensify bullet time effects. The famous mirror scenes would be cut short to fit in another gun fight. But, we would make sure to try and get a PG-13 rating to boost profits. Robert DeNiro would be replaced by a cut-up Gerard Butler and Miley Cyrus would be Iris.
I really liked Taxi Driver and part of me would have wanted to see it during its initial 1976 run. I think that it is a wonderful character piece that stands in stark contrast to the usual plot driven popcorn thrillers. I read some criticisms that nothing much happens in Taxi Driver until the very last minutes. Agreed that it does not clip along, but it is a lingering and long descent into madness. A weaker movie or a current remake of the film would try to highlight Travis's madness with dream sequences, quick jump cuts, or green screened hallucinations. The original film does that with a loopy soundtrack that exchanged between jazz horns and a screeching bass line. The noise really gets under your skin and makes it feel like the city itself is assaulting you. Some of the scenes seemed superfluous, such as the match strike conversation in the campaign headquarters. But this also helps add to the mental anguish, as if every inane conversation is pointless and hollow. The modern equivalent would probably be blog posts. That no one reads...
Speaking of the city, NYC comes off as gritty and dirty and needing that hard rain Travis so wishes for. This is partially a sign of the times as most urban centers in the 1970s were tough places to be, but everything gets to you. Like the Nostromo in Alien, everything seems old and broken making us wonder what life is there to live. The cinematography often reuses that same shot over and over again, particularly in the driving scenes where we pass the same traffic light or movie theater crowd several times. This helps highlight Travis's fragile mindset.
I read some comments that the movie has not aged well and should be appreciated as more of a period piece that was great at the time and for the better pictures it has influenced. I can understand this mindset and often used it for previous MISHAS pieces. I found Taxi Driver to be eerily prescient. Travis was anguished because of his experiences in Vietnam and coming back to a country that he did not recognize. This drove him to violence. How is this any different than the ennui and rage that motivated school shooters at Columbine or Virginia Tech. We all seem to be angry at each other and social commentators speak of an increasingly polarized culture. Travis felt isolated and misunderstood and are those feelings that existed purely in the post Vietnam 1970s.
I also think it is a bit short sighted to dismiss older movies by what they influenced. Does that mean The Godfather is a piece of crap because it inspired Goodfellas or The Sopranos? Every gritty, or attempt at a gritty, movie now disproves Taxi Driver's worth? Fight Club was great, but I didn't know it was proof of the law of diminishing returns.
It was also nice to see a young Harvey Keitel as the muscled up pimp, "Sport." He looks like a damn tank! Cybil Sheppard was pretty foxy as Betsy, the campaign worker and infatuation for Travis. 13-year-old Jodie Foster did well with the 12-year-old prostitute role even though she comes in the final act. The movie had balls to refer to a 13-year-old that could "make your cock so hard it pops off." Good luck saying that today even in our more "realistic" world.
I almost forgot to keep blogging this week. Oh, it's not because of the busy holidays or anything like that.
Amanda and I got ourselves cable as an early Christmas gift to ourselves and I forgot how nice it is to have more than 13 TV channels. We got the next step up from the super duper basic plan we used to have so we have the most channels available before needing to get a digital box. Maybe we will move to that some day and DVR things, but, for now, we are happy with having taken a step into the late 1980s.
In just a few days of TV watching I must ask...What is up with all the ghosts shows? This isn't necessarily a bad thing. I used to be really into the paranormal, even starting an afterschool club about it. Yeah, I'm was that cool. I have grown more skeptical in my older age, but still find the whole genre fabulously entertaining.
Discovery Channel has A Haunting and Ghost Lab. It's sister network, Travel Channel, has Most Haunted and Ghost Adventures. A&E just launched the season premiere of our favorite, Paranormal State, but also has Psychic Kids. SyFy (When the hell did they change their name?) has Ghost Hunters and Ghost Hunters Academy. And Histor Channel remains the UFO channel, which beats being the WWII channel, but, not by much.
Ghost stories have never really been out of style. Hamlet has a ghost story within it not to mention the hundreds of indigenous and religious narratives on spirits. But, they must have traded in all their back stock of Ecto Cooler to become cable reality TV darlings. When I was a kind, we had to make do with the ominous interlude and a trench coated Robert Stack on Unsolved Mysteries. And that ran on Lifetime right after SuperMarket Sweep! That about juxtaposition. They should have aired SuperMarket Sweep afterwards so you could calm yourself down. Or we had to hunt down what channel Sightings aired on to hear the former local WKYC-Channel 3 TV achorman Tim White speak in his dramatic telenovela style.
Apparently....They're here and all over the basic cable line up. Peace.
If you have followed my various blogs and their evolution then I have two things to say to you. First is thanks and the second is...I'm sorry.
In earlier blogs posts, I tended to rant and violate a cardinal rule of "Never say anything you would not say to that person's face." I quickly wised up and moved to my current style of random posts.
However, I must rant today. In preparation for the holidays I will blog about the number one gift from hell...
LONG SLEEVED POLO SHIRTS!
AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!
Long sleeved polos are beyond dumb. I am far from a fashionista, but I do know that polo shirts are also known as "golf shirts." Upon doing some more research, I also learned that they are sometimes called "tennis shirts" and were initially designed by Rene Lacoste, a famous French tennis pro who was also pretty keen on alligators.
Golf and tennis are outdoor sports that are usually played in the warm weather. Hence, the short sleeves. The whole concept of a polo shirt was designed as a nice, sport, semi-casual shirt for the warm weather! Why put sleeves on it? Should you be wearing a polo shirt in the winter? Are you playing tennis in the blizzard. The golf course in Trumansburg, NY had a winter golfing session. As a joke! If you want a collared shirt with long sleeves then get a button up shirt. Who cares if the collar is popped if you have to layer up over it?
Putting sleeves on a long sleeved polo is akin to inveting winter sandals or the Alaskan hula skirt. Makes no sense. I would argue that it isn't even witty or postmodern because they look just plain dumb.
My disdain for the shirts is compounded by the fact that my family always gets me one for Christmas. And in hideous colors like Whitehead Beige or Pothole Charcoal. God bless my sainted mother. She thinks that anywhere place in the United States, besides Florida, is locked in a perpetual deep freeze and that we have no stores in which to buy clothes. She always asks me if we have Marshalls, Macy's or JC Penny up here. Yes, mom. Where do you think those stores came from? Certainly not San Juan.
My grandmother, rest her soul, thought that it was so cold and backwards up here in the mainland that we had no running water and had to resort to rubbing wet, hot rocks over ourselves to bathe during the endless winter. Mind you that she lived in Mayaguez, PR, which, don't worry, you should have never heard of.
I really hope that you don't get a long sleeved polo for the holidays.
One of the latest, hit songs not only guides young men out of infidelity, but also on how to get out of any sticky situation! Just remember that...
"Cause when the roof caved in and the truth came out I just didn't know what to do But when I become a star we'll be living so large I'll do anything for you..."
Check it out in several sample situations..
Situation 1 An example in the workplace...Beluga Heights! Boss: "Johnson! Why wasn't the toner in the copier refilled? I just ran out in the middle of copying a 100 page file."
Our subject: "Cause when the roof caved in and the truth came out I just didn't know what to do But when I become a star we'll be living so large I'll do anything for you..."
What our subject really means: "Sorry boss. I was wrapped up in some paperwork and forgot. But when I get that promotion, I will get someone to be on 24/7 toner patrol. Or order Xerox to make a toner less copier."
Boss: "Oh, OK."
Situation 2 An example at home...Take it away Jason!
Wife: "Damnit! Why didn't you take out the garbage? The dog got into it and spread it all over the kitchen floor."
Subject: "Cause when the roof caved in and the truth came out I just didn't know what to do But when I become a star we'll be living so large I'll do anything for you..."
What our subjectreally means:"Sorry baby. The game was on and we were still ten minutes until halftime. However, once I get my government check I'll make sure to get us a maid. And I'll get rid of the dog."
Wife: "Oh, OK. I love you."
Take a note from the hit show Glee and sing everything.
Also, our researchers have found that Lady Gaga's "Paparazzi" is helpful in getting out of awkward holiday moments like you re gifted someone's gift back to themselves or you make a face when getting another long sleeved polo from your family. Just tell them...
"I'm your biggest fan, I'll follow you until you love me Papa, paparazzi Baby, there's no other superstar, you know that I'll be Papa, paparazzi
Amanda and I put up our Christmas tree earlier this week. I will not post any images because it is still a bit bare. We have never put up a Christmas tree before and considering that, our ornament supply was limited to just five. And two of them were a pair of those styrofoam balls covered in gold cloth. The fabric had started to fray on one of them and, in usual fashion, I had found them in the garbage.
We also got a rosemary Christmas tree from Amanda's parents. Ours looks a lot like the one below:Pretty cool! I hope we can keep it throughout the winter. If so, then I am going to be putting enough rosemary on enough food to make Macaroni Grill jealous. Most of the food will be microwaved veggie burgers and toast, but it will be served Italian style. Mange! Mange!
During the blog's hiatus, I managed to write an article about sustainable Christmas trees for Lucy magazine. Lucy was an online, alternative woman's magazinethat acted as a sort of counter-Cosmo with articles on health, life, politics, and art. It unfortunately folded soon after I joined, but the staff and articles were very diverse and engaged. The archives are still up for you reading pleasure. Check out my tree article!
How does one get a job putting up fake job listings on Craigslist? Cause I want that job!
I swear that pretty much every posting on admin/office jobs is a fake. Receptionists jobs that pay $25 an hour with no experience necessary! Sweet! With all the receptionists and secretaries needed and working, who is actually calling into these offices?
And each ad saying that some club owners wants dancers and girls for his club is an attempt to get girls to undress. Does Cleveland really have that many strip joints? I don't even think Las Vegas or Atlantic City has this much demand for dancers and "photographic models" It seems that every day some rookie club owner is looking for the right girl to call Destiny and light up his mirrored cat walks. C;mon guys! Why work so hard to look at some girls when YOU'RE ON THE INTERNET!
Is this just hundreds of enterprising scammers? Or is there a con man guild?
Speaking of television of necessity, we have become big fans of The Amazing Race.
Actually, I am bit sorry I did not start watching this show earlier considering it has been on since 2001 and it has nice geography theme to it. It is also originated in the U.S., which is very unusual for any popular reality show, hell, any show, here in the U.S. I also appreciate that contestants have a bigger motivation to win and not spin their fifteen minutes of fame into a larger faux celebrity status. Contestants are often antagonized by their very partner, which doesn't seem catty, but realistic when you make a pair of newlyweds race around the world. Amanda and I agreed that we would KILL each other if we were on the race.
The show aired its 15th season finale yesterday and lovebirds Meghan and Cheyne won. Congrats! The good news is that you won. The bad news is that now you really need to get married. No more of this will they, won't they dating. There is $1 million dollars to consider, you know.
Meghan and Cheyne were not my favorites. I was rooting for the Harlem Globetrotters, Flight Time and Big Easy. Alas, they did not make it to the final after getting tied up in an obstacle that made them sort out the word Franz from a word jumble. One of the few times the Globetrotters lose and it had to be on Amazing Race! It didn't help that they were betrayed by one of the Amazing Douche Bag Brothers. I guess some viewers appreciated the brothers constant bickering, but it did not help that each arguments was a nasal whine. You could hear those nostrils take a nice breath before someone uttered, "I'm tryyyyyinnnng, Dan!" or "Shut upppppp, Sam!"
While I like the show, I must admit to several face palm moments that made me clutch the couch cushions. As a geography nerd, it is painful to hear Cheyne ask a cab driver, "What country is Monaco in?" or "We need to go to the country of Prague!" Or hearing one of the Amazing Douche Bag Brothers pronounce Monaco as Moe-na-coe. Yeesh. Almost as horrible as the time the local CBS affilitate, WOIO, spelled Czech Republic as Check Republic and told us that the Soviets had invaded South Ossetia in 2008.
On the second day of our Fantasy Dancing With the Stars line up, we will focus on the men.
We will begin with the contestant's name then follow with their claim to fame and end with a brief explanation and sample of what outlandish judge Bruno Tonioli would say.
Gentlemen
Contestant #1 Name: Michael Keaton Claim to Fame: Fading big star. He was Batman. Was almost Dr. Jack on Lost. Why?: Wouldn't America love to learn what Keaton has been up to all these years? And love to learn it with a spicy salsa? He could deliver some icy glances, reiterate that, yes, he's Batman, and hope for a Multipilcity affect that gives he six more legs. Bruno: "Say it Michael....I'm DANCING!"
Contestant #2 Name: Michael Phelps Claim to Fame: Olympic superstar athlete. Won 16 Olympic medals, second highest in history. And he is still swimming. Why?: Every season needs an Olympian and one season got Shawn Johnson, so we can handle the high priority guys. Bruno: "Watch out because Michael P is going to make you all wet!"
Contestant #3 Name: Andy Rooney Claim to Fame: Cranky guy on 60 Minutes. We should really spend all sixty of them with him. Sorry, Leslie Stahl Why?: The guy could write a diatribe against breadsticks. Can't wait for him to cut a rug. Bruno: "Spend a few minutes on the dance floor, Andy!"
Contestant #4 Name: Shaquille O'Neal Claim to Fame: 15 time NBA All Star and 4 time NBA Champ. HUGE! Why?: The latest Cleveland Cavalier will become the Big Dance once he hits the floor. Every season needs a major league athlete and I am tired of football players. Bruno: "So BIG!"
Contestant #5 Name: Levi Johnston Claim to Fame: Got Sarah Palin's daughter pregnant. Why?: What a better way to celebrate reality television than having someone who is famous for knowing someone that knows a famous person. God Bless America! Bruno: "We didn't see any of this in Playgirl!"
Contestant #6 Name: Rod Blagojevich Claim to Fame: Former Illinois governor. Ousted in controversy surrounding then Senator Obama's empty Senate seat. Still trying to beat the false rap. Why?: We wouldn't need to ask him. He would show up outside of the studio on the first day of call backs. The U.S Marshalls may have something to say against this though. Bruno: "Sell every seat in the house with that waltz, Rod!"
Contestant #7 Name: Darius Rucker Claim to Fame: Former front man of Hootie and the Blowfish. Solo star that now wins Country Music Awards. Why?: To be honest, I did not know he was still around. Turned himself into a burgeoning solo star. Now he will become a dancing star! Bruno: "With that samba, Darius, you do not need the blowfish."
Contestant #8 Name: Pauly Shore Claim to Fame: Fading funny man that gave us such classics as Encino Man and Bio Dome. Why?: He would do something wacky like try to dance with a live kitchen. People would tun in just to see him get voted off. Bruno: "Pauly, Pauly, Pauly....um....that's it!"
For how much I talk about TV, you may assume that I have a 50 inch plasma screen with the super duper cable that brings 700 channels. A cable package with both the East and West coast feeds!
Well, we just updated to a 24 inch screen four months ago after deciding that the 13 inch TV I had in college wasn't doing it anymore. And we have exactly 13 channels because we have very, very basic cable. We essentially just get the broadcast networks with some Univision, TCT, and two PBS stations.
Because of this, Amanda and I are pretty much limited to what network prime time has to offer. We have become big Dancing With The Stars fans because of this. And the latest season just ended with a win for Donny Osmond. Congrats Donny and take it Marie!
Our new fandom made me think of a dream dancing line up for future seasons. And, of course, I would blog about it! Today and tomorrow you will see my fantasy lineup. Lets start with the ladies!
Format & Rules
We will begin with the contestant's name then follow with their claim to fame and end with a brief explanation and sample of what outlandish judge Bruno Tonioli would say.
Ladies
Contestant #1 Name: Serena Williams Claim to Fame: Tennis great. Won 35 titles. Made over $28 million in prize money over her career. Why?: Every season needs some star athletes and why not pick the currently ranked # 1 female tennis player? Besides, America would love to give her a chance to explain her outburst to that line judge with a nice paso doble. Bruno: "Serena...I hope the only thing you threaten to stuff down my throat is some dance ATTACK!"
Contestant #2 Name: Lauren Graham Claim to Fame: She was Lorelai on Gilmore Girls. Also in Evan Almighty and Bad Santa Why?: She is America's favorite fast talking, power eating, quirky single mom. She can drop a Flashdance reference while recreating every scene from it. Hopefully, she will move so fast that they will need one those "Gilmorism" guides from the DVDs to keep up. Bruno: "Sexy sexy sexy Lauren. Let me tell you that Bad Santa was very helpful.
Contestant #3 Name: Barbara Walters Claim to Fame: Famed TV interviewer. Former host of 20/20 and current host of The View. Why?: Because she is Barbara Walters. That's why. Beside she is an easy get since ABC owns the rights to her other show. Bruno: "I knew you would make me cry, but who knew it would be for the beauty of the dancing!"
Contestant #4 Name: Rachel Ray Claim to Fame: Breakout Food Network star. Why?: People either love her or love to hate her. Perfect for a reality show! Bruno: "Rachel, you add O to end of everything. EVOO! Yum-O! Well, here comes my judge O face! OH!"
Contestant #5 Name: Stephanie Courtney Claim to Fame: Flo from the Progressive Insurance commercials Why?: She gave those cavemen and the gecko a run for their money. People have proposed to her. She does have a nice job selling insurance. Bruno: "You can check me out anytime, Stephanie. This is wonderful insurance for the finals!"
Contestant #6 Name: Jamie Lynn Spears Claim to Fame: Britney Spears' sister. Actress on All That and Zoey 101. Famous for getting pregnant Why?: Because we couldn't get Britney Spears. So we went for the lighter shade of crazy. Bruno: "Forget your sister! Oops, you did it again with a 10!"
Contestant #7 Name: Rosie O'Donnell Claim to Fame: Stand up comedienne. Actress and TV host. Why?: She'll draw the cynics jokes and then sneak in through the second or third elimination. Every season needs someone whose very name is a punch line. Of course, Donny Osmond won this year. Bruno: "This dancing is in a League of Its Own, Rosie!"
Contestant #8 Name: Jenny McCarthy Claim to Fame: Former Playboy centerfold and Single Out co-host. Used to pay the bills with far jokes and now pays them by saying juice cures autism. The American Dream manifested in a person. Her appearance would also strike a victory for media fairness by giving scientifically unsound theories equal exposures as, you know, facts. Bruno: "Chelate these 10s out of me, Jenny! More juice! More ATTACK!"
