End of the Decade

It snuck up on me that this is indeed the end of the 2010s. A lot of extra special year end lists as you can do "Year's Best X" and "Decade's Best X." Will be a lot of fun to read AV Club this time of year.
I have not kept that great a list of things in this decade but i will say best movie from it is Spiderman: Into the Spiderverse.

Beyond that my memory is not what it used to be so just go read the stuff online. I will say something personal about the decade.

It marked a sudden shift to regular employment and a life that many of my generation do not have. And it began as the decade began with the 2010 Haiti Earthquake. Because, at the time, I was, as I had spent much of the 00s, un/underemployed. And my wife urged me to do something with my days instead of sitting at home and watching PBS cartoons.

So I found a charity in town that collected surplus medical items and shipped them overseas. I can volunteer for you. Maybe do some copy writing, etc. I even dressed up for it after the 1.5 hour bus/train ride. And they said sure, you can volunteer.

Then a day later on 1/12/10 the earthquake hit and that organization was slammed with donations. THey hired some extra helpers on temporary gigs to help sort and pack containers and I was one. I then became a warehouse assistant, then volunteer coordinator, and varying director level positions over a five year period. It was a job with a salary and PTO. I got to buy a car and a house and have a kid. The fact this all happened on the back of 100K plus dead victims is not lost to me and the impostor syndrome kicks in where I should not have what I have.

This then morphed into another full time job working at a school that I still have and (even for all the ranting on this blog) enjoy.

And this isn't lost on me as it seems the decade also marks the fact that I am an iconoclast. A stable family with two incomes and benefits in this America? A middle class family? That really feels like impostor syndrome to me and likely climate change will rend it all asunder. It seems like a clock started this decade and when I look at my kids I want to get them as much experience as possible before it rings.

Post XMas Video Game Wrangle

Our household was blessed with many a video game this holiday season. My kids were excited but are more prone to watching than playing. I remember being six and having better/control interest but sure that nostalgia affects this. And, instead of a parent either jumping in or searching for a YouTube tutorial I just had Mami sipping on her wine. "These kids always scream when that Mario dies. I hope they scream so loud when I die!"

So here is a round up of the games we got

Far Cry Primal

Ok, I bought this for myself because it was on sale on Xbox and I love these games albeit they are really phoning it in what with copying them over and over. And I know Primal is "old" because 5 and New Dawn have come out but its a Far Cry game so its pretty much just the same as all the others. And, yes, even with having played umpteen other iterations of this game I dig it. Note that it has a caveman/pre-historic theme to it so you have to smash guys with your club and spears! And it is very satisfying to get a bead on someone with a spear and hear the swooshing ka-chunk as it nails them.

Not my video. Credit to Vincent Lauzon on YouTube

 You can't buy anything so there is some more verisimilitude to the hunting and gathering* to make better gear as opposed to in the other games. Here you really do need to kill a bunch of rhinos to make the ultimate spear belt as opposed to say in 4 where maybe you could just pick it up from the hundreds of dead guards. 

Note that Ubisoft made it so everyone speaks in...whatever it is they are speaking. Cave person talk. Wenja in the lore of the game but considering no one heard early humans talk real cave people could have been singing Jimmy Eat World. 

Oh, you can tame animals to work for you. Which is very easy (Feed them meat and then press one button) but is quite fun. Your black panther can run down enemies and you can command a saber tooth tiger. Oh and no grenades but they do have bee bombs! BEE BOMBS! Which I think was lost to time along with the recipe of Greek Fire but its fun to see guys get all swallowed up by your angry bees.

The Outer Worlds

Ok, so this game is newish. And I love this kind of retro pop-future sci-fi. Spacer's Choice brand Mock Apple juice! Automechanicals. Freelances facing down company towns and corporate armies. It all feels very far flung yet something still anachronistic compared to our current level of wonder. I get some serious Fallout vibes from this which makes sense since it was apparently made by a former team from there. 

And while I have not finished the game does feel small and short. Almost as if they weren't 100% ready or confident in it. I do hope we get some additional DLC to expand this world because it deserves it. 

I love that the ship is called The Unreliable. 

Lets Go Pikachu

My wife: Lets get the kids a Switch for Xmas

Me: Ok.

Also, me: YES! YES! YES! I can play Pokemon on it!

My wife: I am not getting Pokemon Sword and Shield. It is 60 dollars and I am not sure if he (the son) is ready for it. I know YOU want it but you already got games.

Me: That's fine but we can get the older Pokemon for it used! Lets go Pikachu!

Wife: Ok, but no more than like 35 dollars

Me: Sure

Also me: Ok, so I paid 54 dollars for it.

Wife: WHAT!?

Me: But it is going to be awesome. Here we go! ***Puts game in***

Me: WHY CAN'T YOU BATTLE WILD POKEMON IN THIS GAME!?

Wife: This game is boring and I like Pokemon Go. Its like Pokemon Go

Me: GOD DAMN IT!

Wife: You didn't read the reviews. Lots of other nerds are mad about that. They even say right here "Its like Pokemon Go"

Me: WHAT DID THEY DO TO POKEMON!?

Kids: Oh, look daddy an Oddish! Catch it!

Afterwards my wife points out that I don't play the Pokemon game anymore....

Super Smash Brothers Ultimate

Again its for my kids (which they played this one. The 4 year old asked for it by name!) but even encouraging them to button mash renders no effect. So it is has become a solo player game for me which is fine because this version of Smash has a ton of....lore. A giant narrative spanning all the Nintendo IPs in a cartoon fighting game. But I thirst for playing against people and....getting wrecked because wow are people online totals sharks with this game. At least no one can beat Daddy at it!

I dig the Wifi Fit Trainer character as it triggers memories of finding my breath

Mario Kart 8

At one point I thought my kids were video game prodigies as they were doing OK at this. Not winning but like 8th-7th place and making turns. My kids can't even wipe themselves after pooping!

Then I realized there are a ton of "new player" features baked into the game including an auto drive, short falls off the course and even some auto turning. So my kids weren't really playing as more they were moving the controllers wildly around. Unfortunately, this is not the Wii guys and the machine doesn't see you move. 

Its Mario Kart so its fun with a big group of people. 200 cc is freaking hard and the only brutal part of this game. Unlike OG Mario Kart which was always brutal.

My wife is better than me at this game and her favorite character is Rosalina.

Me: Why do you like Rosalina so much?

My wife: I don't know. She is just...

Me: Its ok. You can admit to me that its because she's hot. She is.

My wife: ....maybe

Shut up and drive.

One last word on the Switch...I usually don't dig the gimmicks Nintendo cooks up (Wii sensor bar, the "3D" on the 3DS, and I played an OG Virtual Boy!) but I do love how the Switch seamlessly goes from a TV console to then a robust handheld. Wow, is that a lot of value. Now, If i could just figure out which controller is the main one.

* Get it?! Because cave people!

Writing Prompt-Selling Flowers

Every year in late September the Ohio City corporation shuts down a five block section of the city on West 25th for a street festival. And, on a combination of both dare and a need to get into the VIP section, Emily was there lugging a beat five gallon bucket filled with flowers. They were mostly thrashy little bouquets made of golden rod boughs and clumps of chicory. All yanked up from the lonely roadside on the Irish Bend on Carter road.

"Flowers for a dollar!"

"Hey, want some flowers for a dollar? They will look great in your hair!"

"Flowers for a dollar? I mean, I would love getting one so why not get her one?"

There were few takers. "Why aren't there wrapped up? Like the ones you buy at the gas station," sneered someone who took the time to stop and then quickly flit away.

Emily kept screaming for the sales while shuffling through the throng to the VIP area. Her plan was to snake through the crowd and then dump the bucket as she comes up to stainless steel barriers cordoning off the VIP area. She thought the sales cover would be funny and maybe sneak her a few dollars. She did not plan for how the inertia of the bucket would cut into her ankle. Her right bicep also burned so she needed to double palm the handle and lug it in zombie crawl side step.

By the Cambodian restaurant someone bought a pair. A mother for her two children who then proceeded to smack each other with the goldenrod boughs. The mother, frazzled, began to holler but Emily had skittered another few feet as she saw an opening in the claustrophobic sidewalks. Not just people but also arm thick bundles of water and power cables. Boxes filled with swag for each of the vendors. Water bottles for a dance studio. Erasers for a school. A carton of t-shirts someone would throw into the crowd.

A block away from the VIP area Emily saw a pair of police officers standing by a vinyl event tent. Here she dropped the bucket sending the water and now soaked boughs into the overflowing gutter, saturated by the melting ice of a beer tent in the VIP section. She did grab one bouquet and held it together in her hands as she walked up to the rope of the VIP section. The police were not so much guarding it as just idling. The only guard was someone in a black t shirt and jeans. A thin young man with protruding elbows and a water bottle.

Emily made eye contact but didn't smile. She didn't know if this phased the guard (a loose term) but she walked right through bothered by the man she thought would ask for the lighting bolt hand stamp that indicated VIPs. Or by the police asking for a vendors license. For the moment she appreciated the edge of privilege she had albeit the power to use it to break into the open air VIP section of a family street festival was less than thrilling.

Die Hard

Because it pops up this time of year, I recently re-watched Die Hard.

To get it out of the way I am in the camp that this is not a Christmas movie. It is a movie SET during Christmas. Setting it during Christmas makes it a lot better of a movie (Like Home Alone) but you could set this movie any other time and it would still be good. I know the war on whether Die Hard is a Christmas movie is only topped by the war on Xmas itself but I have chosen my side.

Note that this is not a bad movie and holds up very well so not much to say except my story on the first time I saw Die Hard which was in college.

A college girlfriend told me that it was her favorite action movie. Now, note that she was one of those "I don't own a TV" type people and was very crunchy. This isn't a slam on her. She was great but it was odd. She was someone who had Teva sandal tans etched into her foot by the end of the summer and rode her bike up South Hill...in the winter! She worked for NYPIRG going door to door asking for donations to support renewable energy. And Die Hard is a favorite movie?! "Oh yeah. The "ho ho ho I have a machine gun now" is so great"*

And, I had never seen it. But I had seen Firebirds and Delta Force a ton of times!!

She even had it on DVD but without a TV we watched it on my tiny 13" inch TV using my PS2 to read the disc. The go-go 00s in college were something. I would stolen it on Kazaa but then my computer would be a Chernobyl of digital hot hot heat.

The kicker to this story is that after we watched it we went to her place** and instead of her room in the said on-campus apartment she slept on the balcony. In a little sleeping bag on top of camp bed roll. A real semi-permanent setup (Just until it gets really cold. Like 40 degrees) with a tiny end table a little goose neck map clamped onto it. Then blankets and pillows all nestled into various corners. And we slept there about 3 floors up and the central New York sky (and yellow bee balm glow of the lamp posts) above us. And considering I can 1) Sleep anywhere*** and 2) It was next to a lady. Oh boy! I slept pretty well. And so did she as she continued this until Campus Safety told her to shut it down. They said it was too dangerous she told me in an anguished AOL Instant messenger with multiple sad emoji faces. "I wonder who ratted me out?" she followed up we both agreed it was her roommate, Maria. That bitch.

So, that is what I always think about whenever I think about Die Hard. Not John Ritter flying off the roof or Bruce Willis crawling through a duct. Not even a Yippie Kay Yeah, Motherfucker. Just the sleeping bag and the balcony nest.


*I don't know the rules for a quote within a quote. I was not one to edit. As you can tell from this blog.
**Don't get excited, porn bots. All 4 (Yes, 4!) of her roommates were there and we slept on a balcony.
***If we ever run across each other in the real world then it will surely be awkward. But, once we get over that, you can challenge me to sleep. And If I lay on anywhere for about 3 minutes I will fall asleep. Just don't take my stuff, ok?

Writing Prompt-Rouge

Rouge is the name of a sexy anthropomorphized bat in the Sonic the Hedgehog universe. I know this because my son enjoys Sonic albeit he has never played the games. There are dozens of these side characters who share the world sometimes with humans and sometimes not. There are about a dozen sonic cartoons.

"The one where Sonic fights the octopus on the beach and Amy uses her hammer!" My son is light years from reading so show titles as pointless. It's like road signs and me. You want to get to the airport? I gotcha but listen because you will pass two BP gas stations and one is good and one is bad and the turn is at the good one. And then a willow tree.

And then I have to divine if ite Sonic X (which is like an anime) or Sonic Underground  (Hes in a band and has a brother and sister!) or Sonic Boom (which is goofy) but not as goofy as Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog which I watched in Spanish dub! Sonic agaisnt the evil robots Chatarra and Robo Pollo! 

Rouge is sexy in that we are told she is. Not like I'm into human like bats. More of a Sailor Moon for fictional character crush kind of person. But Rouge....she's a femme fatale. Who is also a bat. She speaks in a Feench accent. And she's a jewel thief! Which is pertinent in Sonic because he is always looking for those Chaos Emeralds. 

Rouge is also a synonym for makeup. I cleaned out apartments one summer in college and we sometimes found petrified makeup left behind. A bit of foundation that fell behind the toilet. Things like that. Sometimes people will wear makeup and they usually dont. Like it's a special day. Picture day. And I want to say to them "Oh, you like nice." but anxiety cripples me so I'll say it on this blog because being so public feels that more confidential. This blog is digital rouge made to jazz my first impression up.

Writing Prompt

I hope this becomes a series.* A coworker**gifted me a book of writing prompts for the holidays. Much better than the online ones where I can just hit refresh. No one sees that because it's just blips on a keyboard*** but turning a page to a new prompt and then ignoring it? The universe sees that! 

So the first prompt is peaches.

Just that....peaches. 

Ok, so the first thing I think about is butts! Because of the emojis and online culture. Think about certain ones more so than others! 

Look, this book made a choice when they began with peach because it would get everyone's thirst going. But, I am pretty sure no one wants to read any of that from me. So I self censor and segue to the time our pediatrician asked us if we were sure if our son swallowed a peach pit or a nectarine 

"Big difference," he said after the answering service found him on his day off.

And I had no clue the difference between a peach and nectarine. They are the same thing like lemon and limes. right? My wife always reminds me of that whenever we purchase said lemons or limes. Same difference!

"Its a nectarine. I'm sure." 

"Oh, then it will pass. If he is sick later tonight or tomorrow then go to the ER. But we should be ok. Glad it was not a peach."

Had it been a peach sure the kid would have choked and the call never happened. "Its too big for him to swallow. Its just a size thing," my wife said.

I'm tired of things making sense like that. Peaches are dangerous because of three extra layers of chitinous embedded onto the peach pit. 

Or we never evolved the ability to break down peach seed like how we can't generate our own Vitamin  C. 

Our son was just fine and this post would have been better if about butts.

*I say this like there is some editor or advertiser to please. This is my blog!

**Favorite coworker mind you!

***Actually someone does see it!

Salty Snack

The following is a list of things that are incredibly mundane at job but that people treat as if it were black magic.

• Changing the toner on the copier
• Submitting a purchase request
• Carrying a box of paper up stairs
• Making an outbound phone call
• Restarting your computer
• Knowing who your supervisor is
• Knowing how pay periods work
• Connecting to WiFi
• Using the supply room
• Cleaning the kitchen

That's very salty. There are people who get it but the sheer amount of people flabbergasted by this saps my faith sometimes.

However, it reminds me of an old SNL sketch with Mike Myers

"Middle Age Man"

I can't find clips but here are some links to better blogs who also remember. And he knows things like how to jump start a dead car battery and "I know when all my appliance warranties are up." 

So, just like Middle Aged Man was a hero I am going to embrace this as it, if anything, affirms my usefulness when I could be replaced by a laminated FAQ. 

A co-workers recently told me that I am always salty and well..I got to give it to them. They were right. But they know how to change toner. 

Cranberry Rascals

At work someone brought in extra holiday chocolates to leave in the common kitchen. A pro move I have used myself when dumping extra food. Save these were dark chocolate, caramel, nut and dried cranberry clusters. They were nice with a hint of saltiness but the name cracked me up.

Cranberry Rascals

I will let you finish giggling. Which I did because that's a name.

A Cranberry Rascal...sounds like a mischievous faerie that rises up from the bog to tell the heroine fruit based riddles.

The Cranberry Rascals...that's the name of the Ocean Spray acapella group that comes together at every company holiday party. 

The Cranberry Rascal...that's the name of the seasonal smoothie at the bagel place but sometimes they run out of the frozen cranberry concentrate so you need to order the regular Mango Madness one. 

The Cranberry Rascals...the name of the intramural all city softball team of Cranberry, PA.

Tee hee!

Sapsucker Woods Pond

In Sapsucker Woods pond there is an ancient snapping turtle that locals says is a as wide as a manhole cover. Visitors to the nature center on the western bank of the pond say they sometimes see it from the cedar plank observation deck. Every tourist will turn the viewing stations down from the horizon and towards the water. John Gelbert, an expert birder who, after retiring from the state power and gas commission, would only turn his Swarvoski scope downward whenever he saw the people rush to the banister and crane over the railing.

"There it is!"

"Its huge!"

"No, its just the sun hitting some logs!"

"NO! It moved! I swear"

The nature center had yet to capitalize on this albeit when there as a rash of sightings there would be more cars in the lot. More  people taking the Route 23 bus line all the way from town, which was an hour and 15 minute loop around all the hills to Sapsucker Woods pond. They sold more sodas and stuffed Audubon birds that sang when you squeezed them.

My neighbor, Mr. Rollarino, had a penchant for scanning the local paper and the crime blotter every morning. He was the only person on the block to still get the Journal and I, the only person, who would talk to him. This is no comment on him. He is very friendly. Retired and originally from Torino, Italy. He worked as a glazier there and then moved here to work at Corning. He had one grown child now in the Marine Corps and a wife who passed a few years ago. Cancer. But, the neighbor was now mostly renter who ebbed and flowed. I ended up stuck there and with Mr. Rollarino.

He would scan the blotter and point out the ludicrous to me. Sometimes he waited till I got back and from work which let me know it was something very impressive.

"Look at this! At the pond up the road!"

And in the paper the blotter narrated how the Sheriff apprehended 3 men in a row boat. It said they were inebriated and had on there person several lengths of rope, broom sticks, fishing rods, and what was described as a home made net.

"They were hunting for it! The turtle!"

I decided to buy a copy of the Journal the next day as the headline was about the arrest. Indeed they had tried to row out and catch the turtle coming around 4am. They failed to factor in the birders there to whom 4am is the start of the day and it was Mr. Gelbert who saw them and hollered. He claimed they screamed "Fuck you" back at him which is why he called the police. The assumption was they had gone turtle hunting but the suspects made no statement.
A fourth suspect was seen on a kayak but rowed to shore before he could be caught and ran into the woods. The kayak had no state boat registration sticker. The sheriff was attempting to secure prints from it. Aside from the center they may also face charges from the state department of natural resources for illegal hunting and possible ecosystem degradation.

"The hills on which Sapsucker rests are actually a rare ecosystem in the state," said a Dr. James Conifer from the dept of natural resources in the article. "They are a Swamp White Oak Swamp with the namesake pond itself being the largest depression that filled in over years. There are sedges we never see anywhere else." He did not mention the turtle which, if it existed, must also be quite rare. Wasn't that like hunting a white tiger? An albino elephant?

When this week became Saturday I drove out to the pond. There were more people there than I had ever seen and they all peered into the inky water scanning for bubbles. On the far side there were poles cast but no people attending to them. Someone from the center would tromp out and knock them down every two hours or so.

"The kayaker is putting them back up!" said a father there with his children. "He is still hunting the turtle."

When I told Mr. Rollarino about this he said he would scan the blotter for the next hit. "I will tell you if they succeed!" And he poked his folded paper putting a divot right where the blotter section appears below the ads for puppies.

The Sunday paper then had a write up about the legendary turtle in the life section. "The Onondaga Indians, original owners of this land, believed a turtle held up the world. These were likely inspired by local snapping turtles and can be seen in other myths worldwide." The article was then accompanied by crayon pictures of the turtle children had left at the nature center

Mr. Rollarino then started telling me about other crimes. Someone falling out of a window. Someone stopped for putting gas in a garbage bag at the Sunoco. The turtle never appeared again in the blotter.

The Delta Force

Time to talk about another movie I LOVED as a kid...Chuck Norris's The Delta Force.

This is a very fifth grade movie. And not just because that is when I watched the hell out of it to the point that I am sure the ribbon on the tape burnt out. I got chicken pox in fifth grade (After tackling Adrian Richner in what was supposed to be two hand touch football. He had just come back from having it* No one expect me to tag him much less tackle but yeah get wrecked.) and watched this on repeat. It is also a fifth grade movie because I think only fifth grade boys will enjoy it. Well and those guys who enjoy Call of Duty just a bit too much

Note those weapons be firing and they have the look of someone just telling them their delivery pizza is running late

Does it hold up?

Well, first this is a toughie to find. A lesson in save those DVDs. Not that I ever had one but if I did it would have been easy. You can only buy from Amazon and you can get it from Starz (Which is still a thing I guess) but I am leery of those 7 day free trials. I am going to fucking forget or, worst, I will say fuck it and keep it and never watch it while Mr. Starz counts his money. But I found it on...Vudu? Alright, we did Starz. Remind me in 7 days to cancel that , OK? Thanks!

It stars Chuck Norris during his film making heyday albeit he lives on in memes. And fitness commercials. And, you know, being alive. Every time I hear his name I can only hear it in the Nostalgia Critic style with an explosion in the background.  "Ahhhh Chuck AAHHH NORRIS"

Its an older meme, but it checks out

Its also Lee Marvin's final film before he passed. Not that I have seen much of Marvin's filmography but he was one of those "guys" in all those war movies they show on Memorial Day. A "Dad's" kind of actor.

The movie begins with a literal explosion. A helicopter blows up and bunch of soldiers scurry away to awaiting escape planes. Chuck Norris (who is called McCoy, because of course) runs but then realizes there is a man still trapped on the burning chopper. Of course he defies Lee Marvin's orders and gets him. He then begrudges how the top brass don't get it and we get some exposition saying how their mission failed. This, like the movie, is based on real events referring to the Tehran hostage crisis and a failed US mission to save the hostages. The movie is then based on hijackings in the 70s and 80s. Terrorism felt much quainter back then and the eeevill guys even say they are hijacking to stop the anti-socialist Americans and Zionists. Remember the Cold War?

The movie then clips along in a fast yet ham handed way jumping to 1985. A plane is taking off and we are loading up our cast of hostages and eeeeevil guys. I love the scene where the terrorists pull their guns out from their coat pockets and a little kid sees them "Oh shit, dad! Wake up" Its played for empathy but it is so goofy like he just spilled some Gatorade on dad's briefcase.

Then we move fast as phones calls expose what is going on. This is the plane we need the embassy. This is the embassy we need the State Department. Then the State Department needs the Pentagon! We got an emergency flash for THE PRESIDENT! Again, this is meant to be build excitement but its got the feel of a Power Point slide. We even get a shot of McCoy, now in retirement at his ranch, shaking his head as he sees this on TV.

Then the movie...kind of gets boring. Once more, I think they play this for tension but the stakes don't feel earned. Its the whole situation played out in real time. Everything is TOLD and then showed with the same tension of an Unsolved Mysteries re-enactment.

There is no nuance here which, jokes on me its a Chuck Norris action movie, but we got the eeevil terrorists asking the flight attendant to pick out all the Jewish names from the passports. Then she screams "I can't do it. Can't you see I'm German? Don't you remember the Nazis!" Some major cringe. They want a Schindler's List moments but they get fucking The Delta Force. There is a very long scene where the terrorists grab all the people they think are Jewish and someone literally screams "its like the Holocaust again!" and that would have been a powerful allegory if you know there was some nuance or development. For a vehicle that is all about the explosions they linger on these awkward scenes for way too long. That said there is one nice scene where the little girls gives her dad her doll to keep him safe as the terrorists abscond him to first class cabin.

"You are facing disaster if you try to land!" Screams an air control tower at the plane. No shit. That is implied!

Really this is a series of tropes you have seen in other movies. They even shoot a hostage from the door of the moving plane and they mug at the hero which I thought only existed in Face/Off But here is Delta Force doing it years before

Oh the movie has a nice ditty theme song that sounds like Miami Vice music.



Why did I like this movie?!?!?!

Oh yeah the big action piece at the end. The movie plods to the final piece where after much flim flammery the terrorists have gotten to their evil lair.

And this spoke to the 5th grade tendencies as we got dune buggies and dirt bikes zipping around shooting rockets. I am pretty sure the Army does not have rocket shooting dirt bikes but they should! Then its kind of a chase movie as the terrorists now have a whole army and Delta Force is trying to run back onto the plane to escape.

In the seminal scene Chuck Norris comes up behind two evil jeeps shooting at the plane. He mows one down with his dirk bike machine gun. Then he wheelies up past them and kills the last one with a TAIL PIPE ROCKET LAUNCHER!

This is a two hour movie. A SLOW two hour movie and I loved it for about 10 minutes of action. I was an idiot.

*I often joke that i peaked when I made an unassisted triple play in elementary school kick ball gym class. And yeah its a bit tongue in cheek but it was also pretty fucking cool. Especially for a fat and slow kid like me. That tackle was another one. I also saw a pair of boobs once. Not in a magazine mind you and found 50 dollars on the sidewalk once. Those were all peak times. 

Jumanji Story

Have you ever experienced something and later had no desire to never have it again? Not a "Well I just don't like it." but a "This will cause me pain." Because just not liking something is like black licorice*. Yeah, you may not like it but its not going to cause any emotional dread. This could be a food. Like I CANNOT drink Vanilla Coke as it triggers an awful memory in college of drinking a mix of it Sprite and Cointreau** from a Lego Bionicle jar and immediately gagging. Only time my body has ever reacted like that and I drank the water in Nicaragua!

But these are also experiences. Ever seen a movie or show you wish to never watch again? I have dodged Snoopy Come Home for roughly 27 years after watching it once as a youth. Another film I dodged is Jumanji. Its not a bad film and it includes my only celebrity crush ever, Kirsten Dunst***, but once was enough. Even getting this poster made me suck in my breath, flick some nails, and curl up my toes inside my shoes.

Fuck

Ok, a bit of backstory on this.

Why I am talking about this is because I saw the new version with Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson and Jack Black. And its pretty fun for  kind of a throw away PG-13 distraction.  Worth a watch on a rainy afternoon.

The when is December 1995 going into January 1996. I'm 11.

My dad passed away in 1994 And, I don't recal ever feeling any grief or pain. Not because he was horrible but because I was young and he was either sick or working for most of my childhood. I was inevitable and it happened.

I have a "cousin" (who is actually my second cousin. I think? Read on) named Ana**** who is my age. One month older than me. Her mom is my actual cousin (Martita) but she is much older like 20 something years older. Because of the difference in age between my aunts and Mami and because Mami had me at 35 both Mami and Martita (So my mom and her niece) were pregnant at the same time in 1984 and had us within a month of each other. Not that me an Ana were super close but we grew up as cousins are supposed to whenever we got together.

Anyway in the winter of 1995 Ana's family (Her mom and her dad, Pedro, but everyone called him Peter) decided to spend Xmas in NYC. And they invited me. I would see snow for the first time! And my mom sent me with a wad of 20s and an Orlando Magic winter coat (The only one they had at the Sears in PR but that's OK because in the go-go 90s the Magic were good) on this trip. The only thing I remember her telling me was that these people "owed your father" which I didn't put much weight into at the time but, much later, realized my dad helped pay for a lot of things in the extended family back in the day. At some point in the pass we were the "rich" folk in the family and he was sort of an ersatz godfather. The full details still escape me but things changed as his health declined but those favors were still owed.

And it was an awesome trip. A hotel right in NYC. Walking through Central Park. Times Square. Top of the WTC and Empire State building. Going out to eat every meal We went to FAO Schwartz and then took a train up for one day in Lake Placid where it SNOWED AND SNOWED. Tried eggnog for the first time and even visited a long lost "aunt" who lived in a rent controlled apartment on the Upper East Side.

So, how does this relate to Jumanji.

Ok, so when the New Year rolled around we flew from NYC to Eunice, LA.

And I try to not be too judgmental on this blog because its a lame blog no one reads and I am an overweight guy with too much anxiety but Eunice, LA can go fuck itself. It even has a horrible sounding name. I rather live in Enema, LA.

We went there to visit some long lost sideways relatives. They were Ana's god parents and used to live in PR but left for the dad of the clan (A man named Kermit. Well at least his nickname) to become a pediatrician. "He was a horrible man," Mami later said. "It is why they moved to that awful town so far away."

We stayed for a few days going into New Years Eve and Day. I don't remember anyone's names but the family had 2 young boys and a sister about a year older than me and Ana. And we played a ton of video games and goofed around. Their house was tacky with lots of faux wood and fake plants. Lounge chairs with ruffled skirts and doilies on the couch arms. My parents house was pretty mod***** and I felt as if on a joke movie set. Was Alf going to come out at some point. But the parents were odd and without my own family (ie Mami) to be my advocate I felt like an unwelcome guest. I had to sit at the kids table for dinner which was boggling to me. "What the fuck is a kids table?" I thought. Fireworks are legal in LA and we bought some but kids were not allowed to use them which was beyond lame. Fireworks are NOT legal in PR PR but every NYE we would go to my aunt's house, down the street, and fire off an amount of ordinance suitable to take down the government of say Chad with all sorts of cousin. It is the only constant family gathering memory i have and something, the only thing, I looked forward to with them. Not being able to blow away things on NYE sucked. They prayed before eating which we didn't do and I was chastised for only mouthing the grace******. At some point I could feel my chest tighten with the start of an asthma attack and I got the bottle of liquid albuterol my mom gave me. I asked for a glass of water and the Kermit fellow asked why. When I told him he was shocked "Why would your mother let you carry that and dose yourself!?" Which, now, I realize he had a point but also go fuck yourself because I needed it. I also remember they had just gotten a puppy. A lovely chocolate and white Cocker Spaniel and they asked me to take it out and put on the run. And I carried it out in my arms and as it was yipping and being excitable it fell out of my arms and somersaulted in the air landing on its back. And it didn't move. And I remember the pronounced rush of emotions of "Oh shit " to "Good. Fuck this family" that hit me before it shook itself off and romped around the yard.

This all relates to Jumanji because on evening we went to see it with the family one evening in a literal two screen theater. The older me would think ti quaint and "yeah support a local business" but at the time the young me missed the gigaplexes and it just enshrined how backwards these folks were.

I was glad to leave and I never watched Jumanji again.

So, that's why. Because of that awful experience where I felt alien and judged for decisions made by my family. About a year ago my mother told me she heard "Kermit" had passed away and she and I agreed it was a good thing. Fuck that guy.


*I actually enjoy black licorice something I share with Mami who ONLY likes black jelly beans. "Black like an old telephone. That is what I like," she would say whenever we got some Jelly Bellys.
** Now, Butter Schnapps. Those were good times.

***Swoon

****In a weird tick of language I pronounce her name "Anna" (like in Frozen) because in Spanish you emphasize the last a. This carried over into English so even a random "Ana" becomes "Anna" much to the chagrin of the "Ana" I ran into once I left the island. Thankfully, Frozen came out and now I can use that excuse. "Its just always on! Sorry....Annnnnnaaa!"

*****A bit on my parents house. It was huge but only in its verticality. We had two living rooms that no one used. One was on a lower level and it had pastel couches, two grey love seats, a coffee table with unsecured marble tile tops and a 12 foot ceiling. Then mounted to the side was a sculpture of a faux gold rod bent into a S shape. Then about 20 three foot metal rods hanging down from it. Like an indoor wind chime. Above this was the dining room which had an 8 foot glass table top. Six high back black chairs and a wall made of a solid mirror panels. Next to that was the normal living room with a wooden couch lined with white cushions. If you want a visual guide imagine the house of the yuppies in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. That's our house.

******Something my nuclear family never embraced is religion. I think my parents only indulged it because their parents did and while I was "raised" Catholic it never was a central part of our lives. That said religion to me is in Spanish. I cannot say the Lords Prayer in English. It sounds very alien like the clicking of wild beasts. I've been to masses at weddings and everything feels like a wispy dejavu.

Loose Change

This week I go to do one of my favorite things which was roll change!

A co worker came to me with a Ziploc bag stuffed with pennies. "Someone paid for popcorn with this!" Then she handed me the bag and I briefly imagined it was a medieval bounty paid for delivering a fugitive to the royal court. Except instead of gold it was 600 plus pennies in varying stats of age. Including many that were nasty rime coated green veterans of long campaigns trapped in a kid's piggy bank. Someone had shot their shot in securing that bag of popcorn. I hoped they got the Cinnamon Roll flavor which sounds awful but is lovely. Cinnabon at the movies! Which still sounds awful but its good. Buy a bag for $6 and help us out to try and see?!

First, I said, I am going to find this kid and read them the riot act. Which made me feel like quite the dad because who uses the term "riot act?"

Second, I am going to take this change and roll it. Which I LOVE! More than doing dishes and shoveling snow. Oh and washing walls.I realize that make me quite intriguing indeed. Like James Bond but in the suburbs!

But all these things are about taking something and making order from it. And don't mistake me for some Type A ultra clean freak. You should see my desk at work. And the kitchen when at 11:45pm after fighting with my kids to do their homework (How many hops on the number line!?) I just say fuck it.

However, these things scratch a particular itch. Change rolling because it takes all the disparate pieces and turns them into neat tubes of actionable currency. All these loose change is useless and annoying but seeing 12 sticks of 50 cent rolled pennies? That is pure dynamite! It even looks like dynamite with the brown paper wrapper and the burnt old west red lettering. 

A roll of quarters? That is a fusion core with the heft and power of a purchasing grenade. Ka-fucking-BOOM I paid for lunch with a roll of quarters. A roll of gold dollar coins which I have only seen once but sometimes those roll packets come with a handful of them. They are black and mythical in both their creation and power.

You pay in a roll of change and the cashier feels that heft and effort. They are likely annoyed but it is only because they are jealous that you created something of such locked up dynamism.

Trust me. It is worth the effort. 

Quick Highlights

In high school for about a year I had frosted tips. It was the go-go 90s and I swore it made me look bad ass. The fact my mom did them in our laundry room with rolls of wrap, that bleach goop, and the sharp point of a comb handle went unreported. Then I would spike them up with glops of gel. The big blue LA Looks kind because it was 1) Cheap 2) Extrem Hold. The number rating for hold went all the way to 12! 3) Had bubbles in the gel. I am sucker for bubbles in things. I had a set of glasses with a single bubble in the base and I found myself quite classy. "Thisnis only for good stuff, you see! The Makers Mark, you see."

At work a colleague found that picture online and uses it every so often as a reply all to an email. "Yeah that's good everyone but check this out!" 

"Hey!" I say. "I'll report it for harrassment"

"Oh will you?!"

Fuck, no. I wont because it's funny and I'm a secret sucker for the laughs. 

I then in college tried to grow my hair long.  But that summer experiment lead to no length. Just volume that puffed up on my head so I had this Q Tip look. 

"You need to style it so it grows that way. Like cut it and painting it to grow that way." 

Not for me and likely for the better.