Speaking of Avatar and the clash between amazing visuals and lame storytelling, you should check out this interview between James Cameron and Peter Jackson that was reproduced on Slate. I found one bit from Jackson to be very salient. It summarizes my feelings about Avatar in a succinct format that does not mention Dune, Final Fantasy, or Transformers. I have quoted it below...
"Jackson: There are all great tools that people haven't quite gotten their heads around yet. But one of the things that has happened [is that] people focus on technology. Probably the film industry has been guilty; there's more attention spent on the technical aspects than the story. That's led to a self-fulfilling prophecy. People regard CGI as a gimmick, they almost blame CGI for a bad story or a bad script. They talk about CGI as if it's responsible for a drop in standards. We've gotten to a point now where there isn't nothing else we haven't seen. We've seen dinosaurs, we've seen aliens; with Avatar we've seen realistic creatures. I think we're going to enter a phase where there's less interest in the CGI and there's a demand for story again. I think we've dropped the ball a little bit on stories for the sake of the amazing toys that we've played with."
This may come as a shock to you loyal readers, but, I did not really dig James Cameron's new movie Avatar. This does not mean that I hated it. It left me feeling pretty "meh," which is how most big, loud summer blockbusters leave me feeling. And this wasn't supposed to be a big, loud summer blockbuster.
If you haven't heard of Avatar then you must be either 1) A member of the Taliban or B) Living in Ithaca, NY. It is Cameron's first return to film making in over a decade and has been much ballyhooed as the next step in movies. Like George Lucas, Cameron claims to have been sitting on this for years and waiting for special effects technology to catch up to his original vision. The thing cost $237 million dollars to make and has already netted $232 million in worldwide sales in just one weekend. If it hadn't been for all the snow on the East Coast this past weekend, then it could have made A LOT more money, but it will soon recoup that.
Avatar follows Jake Sully, a wheelchair bound U.S. Marine vet that must replace his twin brother on a scientific mission to the new world of Pandora. Pandora holds a rare mineral that an evil corporation wants because it sells for "$20 million a kilo." Going to need a really big Invisible Hand to move that stuff. The planet is also home to an indigenous race of 10 foot tall, blue, quasi-cat aliens called the Na'vi. Human researchers have been able to create biological robots of the Na'vi that humans can pilot with their brains. The science team on Na'vi, lead by the always wonderful to see Sigourney Weaver, uses these creations, called avatars, to communicated with the natives and better learn their culture. The evil corporation, which has an army of mercenaries I dub "Space Black Water," wants to use the avatars to infiltrate the Na'vi, learn their weaknesses and get more of that rock. Sully mans one of these avatars, falls in love with the alien babe and epic battles, training montages, and PG-13 alien sex continue.
A ton of effort went into Avatar. Cameron and his team even created a full, working Na'vi language that you can learn right after you memorize Klingon. To this end, the film is a huge success with visuals that are hyper realistic and engaging. We have scenes that are filled with all non-humans and these feel as solid as any scene with flesh and blood actors. There are moments where the CGI melds into actual stage props. The lush backgrounds of the Pandoran rain forest feel thick and real with the encompassing bird calls and jungle tweets needed to add more gravitas. If you are the kind of person that reads movie reviews before checking them out then, yes, Avatar is a visual wonder with a world that adheres to its own internal and highly detailed logic. Even if that logic is not in and of itself logical.
My problem was that I am getting more and more tired of liking movies because they look cool. I like a damn gun fight, but I really want that to have some substance. And if substance is too much, then I prefer it to be campy and self-aware or fun. When it comes to the actual story, Avatar falls right on its blue face and picks itself up with cliched archetypes. It's Dances With Wolves, The Last Samurai, or Lawrence of Arabia, whichever one you want really, set in space. The final battle reminded me just how dumb indeed it was for the Ewoks to defeat an entire legion of Imperial troops at the end of Return of the Jedi. It made me think of Fern Gully and I don't even remember the plot of that movie except that the rain forest was good and bulldozers were bad.
One reason I did not dig Avatar as much as possible is because I am a nerd. The story reminded me a lot of Dune, which is one of my favorite sci-fi stories of all time. If you haven't read Dune, then please do before you see Avatar because the last thing I want is for people to think Dune is like Avatar! Both stories are a tale about a young man who must go to a hostile, but beautiful, planet that is the only known source of a valuable commodity. The commodity is currently mined by an evil group that must share some of that space with new comers hoping to learn more about the environment they must steward. The boy meets a researcher who has made inroads with the natives who are both stewards of the environment and fierce warriors. After a great betrayal, the boy flees to the wilderness, falls in love with a native woman, learns the native ways and becomes their greatest hero.
There are characters in Avatar that are near clones of people in Dune. Jake Sully is Paul Atreides. The benevolent Navi researcher Grace Augustine is Liet Kynes. Evil general Colonel Miles Quaritch is the Harkonnes except with out the child molestation, which may be a good thing. Neytiri, Jake's Navi love, is Chani and her arranged marriage Tsutey is Stilgar even though Stilgar and Chani don't hook up in the book. All those crazy Pandoran creatures are just trying to be as cool as Shai Hulud, the mighty Sandworm.
Speaking of nerdiness, many of the visuals, particularly the glowing forest reminded me of scenes from the Final Fantasy games and that gets me thinking of bad Final Fantasy fan fiction. And video game cosplayers. And then I imagine someone else thought that and sneered, 'Hey that looks like the forest of the Fayth that Yuna and Tidus have sex in in FFX!" I am bit embarrassed to admit that I thought this as the last thing I want to do is apply plots from video games into my life. Reminds me of the time I tried writing an English paper in the 11th grade based on the flavor text of Magic cards. I was that cool.
Aside from these comparisons, the movie is a pretty standard anti-industrial warning that says it is not nice to mess with Mother Nature. I'm an environmentalist, so I appreciate the idea, but this is also the same idea as Frogs. The end battle is wonderfully rendered digitally, but feels hackneyed and drawn from a hundred much weaker action movies.
Considering all the hype for Avatar, I expected something greater with those great visuals but something to support them with. Lavishing praise on a movie because it looks really great is useful, but makes me feel like we are just watching a video game demo.
Peace!
***Author's note*** I did not see Avatar in 3D, which is akin to watching the Wizard of Oz on a black and white TV. Maybe the 3D does it for most folks.
And yes...I realize that the guy that just wrote this really loved Transformers back in 2007. And Star Wars. One of those was dumb and the other borrowed a lot from classic archetypes of the kinght errant. Both were visually stunning and I will argue both were fun, which I Avatar was not.
I enjoy houseplants. I use that verb, "enjoy," because I appreciate the interactions they offer. These are often something that the individual must actively seek out. They are plants, after all. But these moments, like watching our philodendron furl open a new and glossy leaf, can be very rewarding. I even enjoy my aquarium plants and how the Amazonian Sword has burst from the gravel so that its emerald leaves mimic the arch of an oil strike.
I have blogged about house plants before, so I feel this holiday PSA is both very helpful and pertinent.
Please, if you are tempted to buy a Norfolk Island Pine this Christmas, then do some research. Walgreen's sells six inch saplings by the checkout counter and they are decked out for Christmas with foiled line plastic pots and a half dozen tiny ornaments. And all for $6.99! Home Depot has two foot tall trees spray painted with glitter (Just like Britney Spears!) for just $9.99!
Yes, it is Christmas time. Yes, it has pine its name. But the thing hates the cold. I found that out the hard way after I killed my first Norfolk Island Pine after hauling it across the IC campus in the late December chill. And at night. I thought it could handle the cold for just those few minutes because it was a "pine." Why should it have a harder time than a Douglas Fir? Well...it did and the person who babysat it for me over winter break reported those early signs of atrophy and eventual death.
I really want to have a big Norfolk Island Pine like the ones you see in a waiting room. As a tropical plant, it has been exported around the world as an ornamental. I am still unsure about their ecological impact on a non-native ecosystem, but on a personal level they left vivid images of watching our neighbor's sixty foot pine tower over their cement bungalow. The prickly leaves of the younger trees tighten up as they get older and each long leaf becomes a braided green strand with the luster of snake skin.
Unfortunately, I have had horrible luck with my various Norfolks. We have had so many plants that we have brought back from the edge. We saved a coffee tree that someone left over night during the first Cleveland frost! But, I, and only I, often kill Norfolks in a few years. The leaves begin to calcify at the stem and convert from a bright green to a mineral green the color of chalkboards. This hardening spreads up the leaf, leaving the tips still glossy as the disease spreads up the leaf. Too much light? Too little? Too much water? Too little? I do not know as I have tried everything and combed the Internet. Maybe one day I will succeed, but I am taking it easy for now.
The Norfolks you see marketed along with the rest of the holiday merchandise are long lived trees that represent decades of nursery growth. You see that dirt they come in? That means they are supposed to live for a while and not end up on the curb on January 2nd. Indeed, you can use them as an alternative Christmas tree, but remember that you are going to keep it.
Now that the blog is back, we should also bring back one of the longest running bits.
Movies I Should Have Already Seen, Volume 3, Issue 8
This is the first MISHAS installment of the Hulu era. Or, at least the era in which I watch Hulu. That means that for you readers that want to play along, you can swing over to Hulu and watch the movie right now.
Watching movies on Hulu can prove engaging because of the comments people can post on each movie or show page. Because Hulu enforces an actual name policy, the posts tend to be a bit more put together than the average YouTube comment. Older movies and shows tend to attract many comments by what I assume are younger viewers often hammering the video. These are people that are also engaging in MISHAS and they mostly hate it. I read one comment asking for the movie to be remade with today's faster pace. That would be a mess with ten minutes of setup and another hour-and-a-half of gun fights. Every individual piece of every individual gun would be separatelymic'ed to intensify bullet time effects. The famous mirror scenes would be cut short to fit in another gun fight. But, we would make sure to try and get a PG-13 rating to boost profits. Robert DeNiro would be replaced by a cut-up Gerard Butler and Miley Cyrus would be Iris.
I really liked Taxi Driver and part of me would have wanted to see it during its initial 1976 run. I think that it is a wonderful character piece that stands in stark contrast to the usual plot driven popcorn thrillers. I read some criticisms that nothing much happens in Taxi Driver until the very last minutes. Agreed that it does not clip along, but it is a lingering and long descent into madness. A weaker movie or a current remake of the film would try to highlight Travis's madness with dream sequences, quick jump cuts, or green screened hallucinations. The original film does that with a loopy soundtrack that exchanged between jazz horns and a screeching bass line. The noise really gets under your skin and makes it feel like the city itself is assaulting you. Some of the scenes seemed superfluous, such as the match strike conversation in the campaign headquarters. But this also helps add to the mental anguish, as if every inane conversation is pointless and hollow. The modern equivalent would probably be blog posts. That no one reads...
Speaking of the city, NYC comes off as gritty and dirty and needing that hard rain Travis so wishes for. This is partially a sign of the times as most urban centers in the 1970s were tough places to be, but everything gets to you. Like the Nostromo in Alien, everything seems old and broken making us wonder what life is there to live. The cinematography often reuses that same shot over and over again, particularly in the driving scenes where we pass the same traffic light or movie theater crowd several times. This helps highlight Travis's fragile mindset.
I read some comments that the movie has not aged well and should be appreciated as more of a period piece that was great at the time and for the better pictures it has influenced. I can understand this mindset and often used it for previous MISHAS pieces. I found Taxi Driver to be eerily prescient. Travis was anguished because of his experiences in Vietnam and coming back to a country that he did not recognize. This drove him to violence. How is this any different than the ennui and rage that motivated school shooters at Columbine or Virginia Tech. We all seem to be angry at each other and social commentators speak of an increasingly polarized culture. Travis felt isolated and misunderstood and are those feelings that existed purely in the post Vietnam 1970s.
I also think it is a bit short sighted to dismiss older movies by what they influenced. Does that mean The Godfather is a piece of crap because it inspired Goodfellas or The Sopranos? Every gritty, or attempt at a gritty, movie now disproves Taxi Driver's worth? Fight Club was great, but I didn't know it was proof of the law of diminishing returns.
It was also nice to see a young Harvey Keitel as the muscled up pimp, "Sport." He looks like a damn tank! Cybil Sheppard was pretty foxy as Betsy, the campaign worker and infatuation for Travis. 13-year-old Jodie Foster did well with the 12-year-old prostitute role even though she comes in the final act. The movie had balls to refer to a 13-year-old that could "make your cock so hard it pops off." Good luck saying that today even in our more "realistic" world.
I almost forgot to keep blogging this week. Oh, it's not because of the busy holidays or anything like that.
Amanda and I got ourselves cable as an early Christmas gift to ourselves and I forgot how nice it is to have more than 13 TV channels. We got the next step up from the super duper basic plan we used to have so we have the most channels available before needing to get a digital box. Maybe we will move to that some day and DVR things, but, for now, we are happy with having taken a step into the late 1980s.
In just a few days of TV watching I must ask...What is up with all the ghosts shows? This isn't necessarily a bad thing. I used to be really into the paranormal, even starting an afterschool club about it. Yeah, I'm was that cool. I have grown more skeptical in my older age, but still find the whole genre fabulously entertaining.
Discovery Channel has A Haunting and Ghost Lab. It's sister network, Travel Channel, has Most Haunted and Ghost Adventures. A&E just launched the season premiere of our favorite, Paranormal State, but also has Psychic Kids. SyFy (When the hell did they change their name?) has Ghost Hunters and Ghost Hunters Academy. And Histor Channel remains the UFO channel, which beats being the WWII channel, but, not by much.
Ghost stories have never really been out of style. Hamlet has a ghost story within it not to mention the hundreds of indigenous and religious narratives on spirits. But, they must have traded in all their back stock of Ecto Cooler to become cable reality TV darlings. When I was a kind, we had to make do with the ominous interlude and a trench coated Robert Stack on Unsolved Mysteries. And that ran on Lifetime right after SuperMarket Sweep! That about juxtaposition. They should have aired SuperMarket Sweep afterwards so you could calm yourself down. Or we had to hunt down what channel Sightings aired on to hear the former local WKYC-Channel 3 TV achorman Tim White speak in his dramatic telenovela style.
Apparently....They're here and all over the basic cable line up. Peace.
If you have followed my various blogs and their evolution then I have two things to say to you. First is thanks and the second is...I'm sorry.
In earlier blogs posts, I tended to rant and violate a cardinal rule of "Never say anything you would not say to that person's face." I quickly wised up and moved to my current style of random posts.
However, I must rant today. In preparation for the holidays I will blog about the number one gift from hell...
LONG SLEEVED POLO SHIRTS!
AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!
Long sleeved polos are beyond dumb. I am far from a fashionista, but I do know that polo shirts are also known as "golf shirts." Upon doing some more research, I also learned that they are sometimes called "tennis shirts" and were initially designed by Rene Lacoste, a famous French tennis pro who was also pretty keen on alligators.
Golf and tennis are outdoor sports that are usually played in the warm weather. Hence, the short sleeves. The whole concept of a polo shirt was designed as a nice, sport, semi-casual shirt for the warm weather! Why put sleeves on it? Should you be wearing a polo shirt in the winter? Are you playing tennis in the blizzard. The golf course in Trumansburg, NY had a winter golfing session. As a joke! If you want a collared shirt with long sleeves then get a button up shirt. Who cares if the collar is popped if you have to layer up over it?
Putting sleeves on a long sleeved polo is akin to inveting winter sandals or the Alaskan hula skirt. Makes no sense. I would argue that it isn't even witty or postmodern because they look just plain dumb.
My disdain for the shirts is compounded by the fact that my family always gets me one for Christmas. And in hideous colors like Whitehead Beige or Pothole Charcoal. God bless my sainted mother. She thinks that anywhere place in the United States, besides Florida, is locked in a perpetual deep freeze and that we have no stores in which to buy clothes. She always asks me if we have Marshalls, Macy's or JC Penny up here. Yes, mom. Where do you think those stores came from? Certainly not San Juan.
My grandmother, rest her soul, thought that it was so cold and backwards up here in the mainland that we had no running water and had to resort to rubbing wet, hot rocks over ourselves to bathe during the endless winter. Mind you that she lived in Mayaguez, PR, which, don't worry, you should have never heard of.
I really hope that you don't get a long sleeved polo for the holidays.
One of the latest, hit songs not only guides young men out of infidelity, but also on how to get out of any sticky situation! Just remember that...
"Cause when the roof caved in and the truth came out I just didn't know what to do But when I become a star we'll be living so large I'll do anything for you..."
Check it out in several sample situations..
Situation 1 An example in the workplace...Beluga Heights! Boss: "Johnson! Why wasn't the toner in the copier refilled? I just ran out in the middle of copying a 100 page file."
Our subject: "Cause when the roof caved in and the truth came out I just didn't know what to do But when I become a star we'll be living so large I'll do anything for you..."
What our subject really means: "Sorry boss. I was wrapped up in some paperwork and forgot. But when I get that promotion, I will get someone to be on 24/7 toner patrol. Or order Xerox to make a toner less copier."
Boss: "Oh, OK."
Situation 2 An example at home...Take it away Jason!
Wife: "Damnit! Why didn't you take out the garbage? The dog got into it and spread it all over the kitchen floor."
Subject: "Cause when the roof caved in and the truth came out I just didn't know what to do But when I become a star we'll be living so large I'll do anything for you..."
What our subjectreally means:"Sorry baby. The game was on and we were still ten minutes until halftime. However, once I get my government check I'll make sure to get us a maid. And I'll get rid of the dog."
Wife: "Oh, OK. I love you."
Take a note from the hit show Glee and sing everything.
Also, our researchers have found that Lady Gaga's "Paparazzi" is helpful in getting out of awkward holiday moments like you re gifted someone's gift back to themselves or you make a face when getting another long sleeved polo from your family. Just tell them...
"I'm your biggest fan, I'll follow you until you love me Papa, paparazzi Baby, there's no other superstar, you know that I'll be Papa, paparazzi
Amanda and I put up our Christmas tree earlier this week. I will not post any images because it is still a bit bare. We have never put up a Christmas tree before and considering that, our ornament supply was limited to just five. And two of them were a pair of those styrofoam balls covered in gold cloth. The fabric had started to fray on one of them and, in usual fashion, I had found them in the garbage.
We also got a rosemary Christmas tree from Amanda's parents. Ours looks a lot like the one below:Pretty cool! I hope we can keep it throughout the winter. If so, then I am going to be putting enough rosemary on enough food to make Macaroni Grill jealous. Most of the food will be microwaved veggie burgers and toast, but it will be served Italian style. Mange! Mange!
During the blog's hiatus, I managed to write an article about sustainable Christmas trees for Lucy magazine. Lucy was an online, alternative woman's magazinethat acted as a sort of counter-Cosmo with articles on health, life, politics, and art. It unfortunately folded soon after I joined, but the staff and articles were very diverse and engaged. The archives are still up for you reading pleasure. Check out my tree article!
How does one get a job putting up fake job listings on Craigslist? Cause I want that job!
I swear that pretty much every posting on admin/office jobs is a fake. Receptionists jobs that pay $25 an hour with no experience necessary! Sweet! With all the receptionists and secretaries needed and working, who is actually calling into these offices?
And each ad saying that some club owners wants dancers and girls for his club is an attempt to get girls to undress. Does Cleveland really have that many strip joints? I don't even think Las Vegas or Atlantic City has this much demand for dancers and "photographic models" It seems that every day some rookie club owner is looking for the right girl to call Destiny and light up his mirrored cat walks. C;mon guys! Why work so hard to look at some girls when YOU'RE ON THE INTERNET!
Is this just hundreds of enterprising scammers? Or is there a con man guild?
Speaking of television of necessity, we have become big fans of The Amazing Race.
Actually, I am bit sorry I did not start watching this show earlier considering it has been on since 2001 and it has nice geography theme to it. It is also originated in the U.S., which is very unusual for any popular reality show, hell, any show, here in the U.S. I also appreciate that contestants have a bigger motivation to win and not spin their fifteen minutes of fame into a larger faux celebrity status. Contestants are often antagonized by their very partner, which doesn't seem catty, but realistic when you make a pair of newlyweds race around the world. Amanda and I agreed that we would KILL each other if we were on the race.
The show aired its 15th season finale yesterday and lovebirds Meghan and Cheyne won. Congrats! The good news is that you won. The bad news is that now you really need to get married. No more of this will they, won't they dating. There is $1 million dollars to consider, you know.
Meghan and Cheyne were not my favorites. I was rooting for the Harlem Globetrotters, Flight Time and Big Easy. Alas, they did not make it to the final after getting tied up in an obstacle that made them sort out the word Franz from a word jumble. One of the few times the Globetrotters lose and it had to be on Amazing Race! It didn't help that they were betrayed by one of the Amazing Douche Bag Brothers. I guess some viewers appreciated the brothers constant bickering, but it did not help that each arguments was a nasal whine. You could hear those nostrils take a nice breath before someone uttered, "I'm tryyyyyinnnng, Dan!" or "Shut upppppp, Sam!"
While I like the show, I must admit to several face palm moments that made me clutch the couch cushions. As a geography nerd, it is painful to hear Cheyne ask a cab driver, "What country is Monaco in?" or "We need to go to the country of Prague!" Or hearing one of the Amazing Douche Bag Brothers pronounce Monaco as Moe-na-coe. Yeesh. Almost as horrible as the time the local CBS affilitate, WOIO, spelled Czech Republic as Check Republic and told us that the Soviets had invaded South Ossetia in 2008.
On the second day of our Fantasy Dancing With the Stars line up, we will focus on the men.
We will begin with the contestant's name then follow with their claim to fame and end with a brief explanation and sample of what outlandish judge Bruno Tonioli would say.
Gentlemen
Contestant #1 Name: Michael Keaton Claim to Fame: Fading big star. He was Batman. Was almost Dr. Jack on Lost. Why?: Wouldn't America love to learn what Keaton has been up to all these years? And love to learn it with a spicy salsa? He could deliver some icy glances, reiterate that, yes, he's Batman, and hope for a Multipilcity affect that gives he six more legs. Bruno: "Say it Michael....I'm DANCING!"
Contestant #2 Name: Michael Phelps Claim to Fame: Olympic superstar athlete. Won 16 Olympic medals, second highest in history. And he is still swimming. Why?: Every season needs an Olympian and one season got Shawn Johnson, so we can handle the high priority guys. Bruno: "Watch out because Michael P is going to make you all wet!"
Contestant #3 Name: Andy Rooney Claim to Fame: Cranky guy on 60 Minutes. We should really spend all sixty of them with him. Sorry, Leslie Stahl Why?: The guy could write a diatribe against breadsticks. Can't wait for him to cut a rug. Bruno: "Spend a few minutes on the dance floor, Andy!"
Contestant #4 Name: Shaquille O'Neal Claim to Fame: 15 time NBA All Star and 4 time NBA Champ. HUGE! Why?: The latest Cleveland Cavalier will become the Big Dance once he hits the floor. Every season needs a major league athlete and I am tired of football players. Bruno: "So BIG!"
Contestant #5 Name: Levi Johnston Claim to Fame: Got Sarah Palin's daughter pregnant. Why?: What a better way to celebrate reality television than having someone who is famous for knowing someone that knows a famous person. God Bless America! Bruno: "We didn't see any of this in Playgirl!"
Contestant #6 Name: Rod Blagojevich Claim to Fame: Former Illinois governor. Ousted in controversy surrounding then Senator Obama's empty Senate seat. Still trying to beat the false rap. Why?: We wouldn't need to ask him. He would show up outside of the studio on the first day of call backs. The U.S Marshalls may have something to say against this though. Bruno: "Sell every seat in the house with that waltz, Rod!"
Contestant #7 Name: Darius Rucker Claim to Fame: Former front man of Hootie and the Blowfish. Solo star that now wins Country Music Awards. Why?: To be honest, I did not know he was still around. Turned himself into a burgeoning solo star. Now he will become a dancing star! Bruno: "With that samba, Darius, you do not need the blowfish."
Contestant #8 Name: Pauly Shore Claim to Fame: Fading funny man that gave us such classics as Encino Man and Bio Dome. Why?: He would do something wacky like try to dance with a live kitchen. People would tun in just to see him get voted off. Bruno: "Pauly, Pauly, Pauly....um....that's it!"
For how much I talk about TV, you may assume that I have a 50 inch plasma screen with the super duper cable that brings 700 channels. A cable package with both the East and West coast feeds!
Well, we just updated to a 24 inch screen four months ago after deciding that the 13 inch TV I had in college wasn't doing it anymore. And we have exactly 13 channels because we have very, very basic cable. We essentially just get the broadcast networks with some Univision, TCT, and two PBS stations.
Because of this, Amanda and I are pretty much limited to what network prime time has to offer. We have become big Dancing With The Stars fans because of this. And the latest season just ended with a win for Donny Osmond. Congrats Donny and take it Marie!
Our new fandom made me think of a dream dancing line up for future seasons. And, of course, I would blog about it! Today and tomorrow you will see my fantasy lineup. Lets start with the ladies!
Format & Rules
We will begin with the contestant's name then follow with their claim to fame and end with a brief explanation and sample of what outlandish judge Bruno Tonioli would say.
Ladies
Contestant #1 Name: Serena Williams Claim to Fame: Tennis great. Won 35 titles. Made over $28 million in prize money over her career. Why?: Every season needs some star athletes and why not pick the currently ranked # 1 female tennis player? Besides, America would love to give her a chance to explain her outburst to that line judge with a nice paso doble. Bruno: "Serena...I hope the only thing you threaten to stuff down my throat is some dance ATTACK!"
Contestant #2 Name: Lauren Graham Claim to Fame: She was Lorelai on Gilmore Girls. Also in Evan Almighty and Bad Santa Why?: She is America's favorite fast talking, power eating, quirky single mom. She can drop a Flashdance reference while recreating every scene from it. Hopefully, she will move so fast that they will need one those "Gilmorism" guides from the DVDs to keep up. Bruno: "Sexy sexy sexy Lauren. Let me tell you that Bad Santa was very helpful.
Contestant #3 Name: Barbara Walters Claim to Fame: Famed TV interviewer. Former host of 20/20 and current host of The View. Why?: Because she is Barbara Walters. That's why. Beside she is an easy get since ABC owns the rights to her other show. Bruno: "I knew you would make me cry, but who knew it would be for the beauty of the dancing!"
Contestant #4 Name: Rachel Ray Claim to Fame: Breakout Food Network star. Why?: People either love her or love to hate her. Perfect for a reality show! Bruno: "Rachel, you add O to end of everything. EVOO! Yum-O! Well, here comes my judge O face! OH!"
Contestant #5 Name: Stephanie Courtney Claim to Fame: Flo from the Progressive Insurance commercials Why?: She gave those cavemen and the gecko a run for their money. People have proposed to her. She does have a nice job selling insurance. Bruno: "You can check me out anytime, Stephanie. This is wonderful insurance for the finals!"
Contestant #6 Name: Jamie Lynn Spears Claim to Fame: Britney Spears' sister. Actress on All That and Zoey 101. Famous for getting pregnant Why?: Because we couldn't get Britney Spears. So we went for the lighter shade of crazy. Bruno: "Forget your sister! Oops, you did it again with a 10!"
Contestant #7 Name: Rosie O'Donnell Claim to Fame: Stand up comedienne. Actress and TV host. Why?: She'll draw the cynics jokes and then sneak in through the second or third elimination. Every season needs someone whose very name is a punch line. Of course, Donny Osmond won this year. Bruno: "This dancing is in a League of Its Own, Rosie!"
Contestant #8 Name: Jenny McCarthy Claim to Fame: Former Playboy centerfold and Single Out co-host. Used to pay the bills with far jokes and now pays them by saying juice cures autism. The American Dream manifested in a person. Her appearance would also strike a victory for media fairness by giving scientifically unsound theories equal exposures as, you know, facts. Bruno: "Chelate these 10s out of me, Jenny! More juice! More ATTACK!"
I had a gift certificate to our local comic shop that was burning a hole in my pocket so I decided to cash it in.
It has been a long time since I bought a comic. Even before the blog went into its latest hiatus (December 2008), I had already stopped buying monthly issues. Buying little booklets of glossy paper isn't too smart, you know? But, I had the gift certificate and I missed the head kicking.
The good
Daredevil made it to 500 issues! I got a back copy along with the latest issue 501. But, Matt Murdock know leads The Hand? That is kind of a neat twist, but didn't he already sell his soul when he was the brutal "new" Kingpin of NYC? We do have umpteen stories of him snapping and girlfriends dying, so it can't hurt to recycle this. Right? His new DD inspired Hand ninjas look awesome with little devil horns and long pony tails designed to mimic devil tails.
I may need to set aside the three bucks a month to keep reading DD. It is nice to come back to such big reveals and plenty of ninjas.
The Bad
When the hell did Immortal Iron Fist get canceled!? It was because I stopped buying issues, right Marvel? Well, times are tough and some of us didn't get a nice injection of Disney money earlier this year.
I picked up four issues of the Iron Fist tie-in series, The Immortal Weapons. It chronicles each of the champions from the other heavenly cities that Danny Rand, a.k.a Iron Fist, met during his adventures in the series. They are nice, but I really wanted to see Danny Rand punch some people out.
I have also read rumors that this is just a stand in while Marvel decides what to do with the main series. So, maybe it will come back. I hope. If not, then I will be down to just one comic a month since few other weekly series attract me. I just need to keep dueling with the other guy that keeps putting trade paper backs of Y: The Last Man on hold at the library.
Astute readers may notice that the newer posts feature tags. The older posts will soon all have tags and by the time you read this, most should be annotated.
We may have few patrons, but we are organized. Just like the corner hardware store.
Happy Thanksgiving. Amanda and I will be out of town and maybe you will be as well. Isn't the Internet great though? You can read this from anywhere even as you remember there is a reason you only see these people three times a year.
Thanksgiving used to mean lots of Mystery Science Theater 3000 (MST3K) and I remember both Comedy Central and the Sci Fi Channel (Now known as SyFy) running all day marathons of episodes on Thanksgiving day and Black Friday. I am not the only person to remember. Bully, a fabulous comics blogger, remembers.
These marathons were very helpful particularly in an era where I had limited access to the Internet. Our meager dial up connection was always at the mercy of my mother's friends calling to chat. MST3K is an immediately likable show, but it has a very high learning curve. We have all seen a bad movie and maybe even been forced to endure it. Everyone riffs on a bad movie, even if its just an eye roll while you walk back to the car from the theater. MST3K turns this into an art. There are eight seasons packed with a dozen or so two hour episodes into each one. There is no plot, so you don't need to scramble through back seasons to understand why Mike's dad owns a mail order burlap store in Minong, Wisconin. But you always want more and Sci Fi didn't have the rights to anything earlier than the seventh season!
This has to be my favorite show of all time. I waver on "My Favorite" quite often. Anyone who has kept up with the blog must have noticed that one day I was talking about comics and then I started pretending to know a lot about politics. There were links to sports sites, comics sites, and news sites. When I listen to my MP3 player I mash the skip button until it gets to Black Eyed Peas, then Silver Sun Pickups, 311, and Jimmy Eat World. Please don't ask me what my favorite kind of music is.
But, MST3K will remain my favorite TV show for life. The show is over twenty years old and Old Man Garik will still guard his DVD player and boxed sets fifty years from now. 'It's funny, dammit! The best," I will say much like our parents scream at us when we ask them why the bought a DVD season of the Dean Martin variety show out of those inserts you get in the paper.
Nearly every episodes of MST3K is up on YouTube. The folks at Best Brains have always appreciated how bootlegging helped spread the word about the show during the early 90s. I shudder to think what would have happened if Viacom had owned MST3K and YouTube was forced to scour its servers of all riffing and references to "Watch out for snakes!"
I don't recall what was the first MST3K episode I ever saw. It was late and I laughed at the silhouettes emanating from the TV. And, as per usual, I am hesitant to name a favorite, even though Space Mutiny comes pretty close. The many names of David Ryder really did it for me, even though they do run it into the ground. Hard.
I realize this is about five months too late, but the sequel to Transformers, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, was God awful. I went to a midnight showing of the thing and left three hours later quite disappointed. And a bit heartbroken as well. I realize how melodramatic that sounds. It is a movie about giant robots that beat the hell out of each other. How much could one really expect? But, returning readers will remember how excited Amanda and I were about thefirstone.
I can't say much that already has been said about the movie. 19% on Rotten Tomatoes is a serious F. The first one got a 56%, which is a low D. That gets you through to the next school year!
I think that part two was a victim of the first movie's attempts to be taken seriously. They spent a good part of the first hour trying to legitimize giant robots that turn into cars. The focus was always on the fight, but folks gave it a pass for trying. The robots were still here to kick ass, but at least we got a try at why they were here to kick ass. It made the first movie a lot of fun. Stupid fun, but not just plain stupid like the second once. Watching the second one, it seemed like Michael "360 shot" Bay was a bit subdued in the first installment and that the second one was his true canvas on which to demolish freely.
Over this past weekend, Amanda and I took in two movies. We go to movies quite often, but two times in just over 24 hours was unusual since the first experience usually gobbles up 30 plus dollars.
We saw the new Sandra Bullock picture, The Blind Side, which was nice and inspirational even though it laid it on thick and made it seem like all of life's problems could be solved with money and sass. Lots of sass. It also didn't help that I know next to nothing about football particularly the fervent loyalty of fans in the Southern SEC. Living in Cleveland, my football knowledge is limited to "$@!# Browns!" You should check it out. A great story heightened by its true basis. And Kathy Bates is in it.
We also checked out the following film...
Starring Milla "Lilu Dalla Multipass" Jovovich, The Fourth Kind is a supernartual thriller based on supposed true events in the town of Nome, Alaska. Folks in our 49th state are having trouble sleeping and it has something to do with an owl. Or a murderer? Or ancient Sumerians? Or aliens?
This movie is a hot damn mess. I try to steer clear of technical criticism since I would not know a filter from a gaffer, but the whole setup was distracting. Much like The Blair Witch Project or Paranormal Activity, Fourth Kind includes so called actual footage into the movie. This time we are told that the recordings are from actual sessions with Milla's character, psychologist Abigail Tyler, and show her patients' violent reactions to remembering being taken. The movie decided to juxtapose these images with shot for shot reenactments with Milla and the crew. So we are seeing two movies at once. Except it is the same thing! Maybe another angle would have helped, but its like watching your home movies made with a much bigger budget. The film even divides the scenes into a quad screen with moving borders that increase and decrease the size of each panel as the scene progresses.
I have no idea why the film makers tried this. Why show us the same thing two, three, even, four times? Maybe it was to give the supposed real photo some extra authenticity. The time we would really like the reenactments are those scare moments when the aliens show up and the cameras goes all wonky. Between distorted snow we often see some creepy images of victims floating in the air and distorted into grotesque poses. This are few and far between and presented in the same shaky-cam style that made The Blair Witch Project a chore. The dual view took me times out of the experience and had me and some of the fellow movie goers laughing at were supposed to be harrowing scenes.
The film plays fast and loose with its plot. I could appreciate the scatter shot approach if this was indeed based on true stories, but it is not. Universal Studios actually lost a lawsuit brought forward by the Alaska Press Club because of the deceptive promotion. A viral marketing campaign peppered sites with fake news stories associate to actual Alaskan media. The artifice of the story requires good story telling, not ham handed efforts to make all of this seem real.
I wanted to like this movie and I wanted to lose sleep over it. As a young boy and teenager, I was obsessed with the paranormal and especially aliens. I have since become much more skeptical, but the fear of those almond eye emaciated visitors still creeps me out. Indeed, there is something alien and soul less about that imagery. However, Fourth Kind never even shows the monsters or hints at their faces. The big reveal is a bunch of black shadows coming for Abigail. You don't need to give us the full monster Monty, but a peek or peer would have been nice.
Many critics have also pointed out that the whole owl omen is hokey. A.O. Scott of The New York times said that owls are not scary. I must agree that the owl omen is never used to full effect, but feel it could have been done right. This image from the trailer hints at a possible transformation of earthly being to alien visitor.
The trailer I saw focused a lot on the owl and I thought we were going to get a sci-fi "The Raven" type scenario where the beings stalk victims with an earthly creature they find appealing.
I hope you don't waste your money on this especially because you can get a better experience watching sixteen year old episodes of The X-Files. Of course, I am in the camp that watching X-Files beats out a lot of things.
I am way too good to go one whole year without an update.
I am going to give the whole blogging thing another try. Still not sure on the topic or theme. No more comics references. I still love Chris Sims and Dave Campbell, but there was not point in trying to recreate their voices. Maybe some more fiction. Stay tuned.
Forty years ago on this Christmas Eve, there was another celestial entity orbiting the Earth at thousand miles a minute. The Apollo 8 astronauts were in the best position to view Santa Claus, but they were also in the best place to capture this image:
Even more incredible than the image itself is that it all happened by accident and that the astronauts did no expect to see such an event. I could only compare it to watching an eclipse in ancient times, maybe over a Mayan temple, and wondering what the gods were up to. We were so bound and defined by our terrestrial origins that we could not imagine our own planet rising. Imagine the earth rise from a planet like Mars. A tiny blue sphere arises over the red horizon and it is full of life! Earth with a singular and stunning abundance of life engages in the same cosmic dance the entire Milky Way.
Happy Earth Rise 40th Anniversary! Oh, and Merry Christmas, too.
I should give up on trying to keep track on these days. However, the Chia tree has yet to give up.
The mature seedlings have sprouted out and become leggy tendrils. Just like any other plant, they follow the sun and curve as necessary. Other seeds are still just sprouting and try to establish themselves amongst their taller brethren. I rotate the tree every other day to help it give an even look, but that might be a futile exercise. Who knew Chias were so much upkeep. Deceptive commercials make it seem like a permanent mantle piece that keeps level and even all the time. If you can't believe classic commercials then who can you trust. Do you need to take your pet rock to the vet? I already know how hard it is to coerce your slinky down a flight of stairs. Maybe because mine were never carpeted like on the ads.
Introducing a new function here on the FOTBP called PR Watch...¡Si!
Readers of the older and now defunct Blog of Plenty might remember my occasional observations on the wackiness back home in Puerto Rico. Actually, wackiness is a poor word choice since my blogs posts focused on things like the island going broke (hence, creating a sales tax for the first time) or one of the umpteen school strikes at the U of PR where some students actually held self-taught classes in the street while other students (in charge of the strike) tried to stop the DIY classes. Learning bad! Screaming good!
Those are serious subjects that scholars both external and internal have spent much time analyzing. What the hell is the FOTBP going to do add to those discussions?
My new feature is in the same light, but some real wackiness. On an island where you can ask for French fries with your Chinese food (Oh, hell yes, you better add them to my order) there has to be something wacky. On an island where there is a brand of doughnuts you can only buy from street vendors at red lights, there has to be something crazy. On an island where you could have your car washed by a guy with a little hot dog cart full of water and soap at the mall parking lot while you shopped, there must be something for the blog. There are jungle cats! HOOOOO!
Quick history lesson. There are no big cats native to Puerto Rico just as there are no native mammals. This is pretty common for small islands that were geographically isolated from larger mainlands. As serendipitous it was for a lizard or bird to awash on the island's shores, it would be even rarer for a panther to show up rafting in on some driftwood from Florida.
But a panther indeed now stalks the island. Or at least, authorities believe it is a panther. Did I mention it will help a lot if you read/speak Spanish? If not, you are going to have to trust me, but, go ahead, read those stories up on the blog. You think I could make this stuff up?
This story broke in mid November, but people in and around the western edge of San Juan have begun to report seeing a "black panther." A lady reported a dead sheep on the day after Thanksgiving to the PR version of the Interior Department, the Department Of Natural Resources and the Environment or DRNA by its Spanish acronym. The attacks were happening around a neighborhood called Caimito, which is heavily wooded and hilly. Caimito then abuts into a posh gated community called Montehiedra that then neighbors a small mall by the same name. In fact, my childhood home was in the neighborhood right next to all of this albeit cut off by a four lane highway. The whole area is iconic of the concrete mushrooming that represents over development, sprawl, and fragmented ecosystems in Puerto Rico. So there could be a panther around my old house. Or not.
No one seems to be able to find the big cat. Just like the Chupacabra, the Panther of Caimito leaves behind a trail of dead animals and flustered citizens. This report from one of the main TV stations in PR says that the thing ate a horse. A horse! But then a later report in the main PR daily paper says that no one has confirmed a dead horse. People have reported losing chickens, cats, and dogs, but the only confirmed victim has been that Thanksgiving sheep. Apparently its name was "Fugaz" Fugaz? I have no idea what that means. "Fuga" means a get away or escape. Escaperz, maybe?
Maybe it is a panther? Or a jaguar? A puma? Or nothing. One man in the Montehidera neighborhood reported that the saw the thing by his pool and that is was about the size of a German Shepherd and dark colored. One lady in this article says how she sleeps with the window open so she can keep an eye out for the cat. Great plan lady.
The DRNA dispatched teams to hunt the animal down and even the director took the hillsides with a machete. I wonder if he wore a pith helmet as well? Someone said they saw a tree with claw marks etched into the base of the trunk. HOLY SHIT! DRNA agents said they heard weird noises while searching, something that residents in the area have also reported. DAMN! With no leads and just one dead animal, the panther trail grows colder by the day and the DRNA has scaled back the search teams to a skeleton crew. If the thing does exist, then the authorities do have a lead and are ready to seek a warrant to search the reputed owner's house. But it still might not exist. How can you have a Plan B without a Plan A? There might be a guy out there with a missing big cat, but THE big cat does not exist. Shouldn't we be terrified of that other big cat?!
I also love how the article mentions a Panther Party tonight organized through Facebook. Reminds me of the Chupacabra hunting parties the mayor of Canovanas, the municipality plagued by the bloodsucking bastard, organized in the mid 90s. Except with beer.
If it is wacky and from PR, you will find it here. Peace!
What am I supposed to do now that it sprouted? I'll let you know when something crazy happens, like it evolves! Or when it looks like the Chia on the side of the box.
Amanda and I returned from our weekend trip and the tree had survived the weekend and sprouted.
The picture shows a patchy tree and I am still waiting to vindicate those commercials that feature Chia growth more akin to Astroturf. The very top lip and bottom edges are the worse, but we do have some sprouts coming from the very bottom of the tree. Below the bottom of the lower branches (i.e. layer of terracotta), where I imagine they slid down from the upper grooves. Really bare spots are still patches of goo and particularly bushy spots are the products of multiple seeds piled on top of each other.
But we have have some growing from the inside out! They sprout up from the very top lip and out the opening where the star goes. We reuse the water that transpires into the drip tray and there must have been some loose seeds in the mix.
All this Chiamaintenance makes me think of anatomical analogies. Chia pets are ripe for TWSSgags. I wonder why they haven't been incorporated into an episode of The Office yet. Million dollar idea!?
Here is the back story, which I first discovered in this wonderful Slate piece. A U.S. sports agent decided to create a reality TV show in India where contestants had to throw three consecutive 85 mph fastballs and these two guys, Dinesh Patel and Rinku Singh, were the winners. Well, Singh was the winner and Patel the runner up, but they came closest with some consistent 87 mph throws. They got $100,000 and the opportunity to come to the U.S. and throw in front of some more MLB scouts. Now the Pittsburgh Pirates have signed the guys on for next season. There are no guarantees they will actually throw in a major league game, however, but the possibility makes me giddy. And the Pittsburgh Pirates are one of the lowliest teams in the MLB, so don't expect Rinku on the mound of World Series, but the sheer surrealism and wonder makes it all worth it.
We have now entered a stage where reality shows are producing actual positions with actual effects. Sure, Donald Trump hired apprentices and the kids from Real World Seattle tried to run a radio show, but here are some reality stars that will be there on Sportscenter and the sports page for all to see. Last time I heard of Richard Hatch, he was running away from the IRS. They will even get their own baseball cards. That seals you into Americana! I do hope this becomes the standard in sports. I keep expecting to read the paper and see the Browns are having open tryouts. People could show up at Public Square downtown and bring a pair of cleats and some comfortable work out clothes. They get three trys to make a touchdown pass. The highest rankings gets to start next Sunday. Why not put it on TV?
Even better than their story is their blog. The Slate piece does a great job at covering the beautiful madness that are their posts, but I will mention my favorite. In this tough economic time, you still have to marvel at the sincere and wondrous views of America from two 19-year old guys from rural India.
Here is post from a month ago, "We went with JB sir to breakfast at a great American breakfast eatery called Dennys. Rinku ordered a breakfast aclled the Lumberjack. We now know that a Lumberjack is a person who works as a tree cutter in the forrest so they must eat a lot of food. this breakfast was quite huge. It had eggs, bacon, sausage, ham, potatos, breads, and pancakes. I had French Toast and both meals were very fulfilling."
I LOVE IT! The broken English and the sheer sincerity of it. No one in America talks so honestly. Welcome, boys! Denny's, a great American eatery? Well, I guess it is when you think about and imagine the first time you decided to get that Grand Slam. Or when your friends split three orders of Mozzarella sticks after a concert. Don't think about the last time you went there and left the place with indigestion. There are some neat memories at the Dennys and these kids love it. I also dig the lumberjack explanation. The guys' impressions of the U.S. fill me with some pride and some laughs. It really is dumb that we trademark a plate of food as "The Lumberjack," but if anyone was going to do it, it was going to be America. Fuck yeah!
Good luck to Rinku and and Dinesh! You know I will try to get to the game when the Pirates come into town and hopefully see one of you pitch.
Well, the picture is not the best quality, but all those little white dots are sprouts. I feel like a I am back in third grade and the kidney bean I planted in a plastic cup has split open. Life!
Little cotyledons are coming up from the grooves. I hope for some actual green before Amanda and I leave town for the weekend. Don't worry. I will have updates as soon as I return and will put up some non Chia related posts via Blogger's time release feature.
I removed the star from the top because I had no reason to light up the tree. Once we get some sprouts, I will turn it on and ring in the season Chia style.
It is the second day for our little Chia tree and it still looks like a science experiment. Of course, I did not expect any growth by the second day (The box predicts 3 to 5 days), but something besides a mess would have been nice.
No need for pictures because of the lack of change. I did mist it a few times yesterday* and spraying your terracotta doodad with a spray of water makes you feel like a real winner. I imagine this is what mushroom farming feels like except without the eventual dinner. Not that I have put eating Chia sprouts beyond me. I will do it for the Christmas countdown.
I already did so for the leftover seed gel. The package is not kidding around when it says you will not need all of the seeds. We, indeed, used as directed and still ended up with a good three teaspoons of the gel. What else to Chia besides the lining of me esophagus? Nothing horrible or great tasting right there, however. They slid down all slimy like and I was once again reminded of eating a passion fruit. I suggest you try one if eating Chia gel is not up your alley. I would describe the sampling as eating watery Jell-O with kiwi seeds dislodged from the embedded fruit
More updates to come. Peace!
*There is a one day delay on these pieces since I usually write them late at night. Hence, Day 2 was actually Tuesday, December 9, 2008.
I defaulted back into the same mentality I used while building Legos as a kid. My father had this obsessive compulsive habit of arranging all the pieces by shape, size, and color before building. It made them easier to find, but it took longer for that damn rocket ship to come together. I usually turned to the box and worried over the neat accessories like the helmets and little walkie talkies. When I did build, I would dig for the pieces in the box and whittle down the pile into a completed Lego.
The same happened with the Chia. The box said soak overnight. What!? It is my personal theory that nothing originally marketed on TV should have the word "overnight" in its instructions. That baby better work as soon as it gets home, because I waited 6 to 8 weeks of shipping. But then the instructions said soak for an hour. Whew! That is what I get for trusting the box. Legally binding arrangements are never printed on cardboard. That should have been my first clue.
Meanwhile, Amanda soaked the seeds. The Chia seeds (Salviahispanica) look like tiny river stones and vary in how they switch from blue to white and then to granite. When wet, they release a gel like substance that binds them together. I originally thought this was a chemical additive, but it appears to be a natural property.
The wet seeds reminded me of passion fruit seeds which also come packed in an equallytenuous jelly cluster. We slather on gobs of the Chia gel onto the sculpture. That thing is no Thomas English Muffin and we had to guide the seeds into the grooves with out fingers. You had to get a rhythm down and stick to it. I had luck rotating the sculpture's base around my finger and letting the rotation spread everything around. Once completed, we ended up with a...slime tree.
Gravity started taking it to the thicker sections and the gel began to drip over the bottom edge. However, in a few minutes everything stabilized and we had our little alien hive. The thing looks like a pair of frogs humped on it, but I remain faithful that it will soon sprout.
The star is off in that picture, but it is pretty nifty. The color changing happens progressively and isn't manic like some sets of Christmas lights.
The drip tray takes a bit away from the wonder, but it is necessary. I will try removing it once the sprouts are fully grown. Either I would have beat the system or I will need a new TV. Either way, you win.
The back is coming back to life and what better way to celebrate than with a Chia?
Yes, that Chia. The one available at Walgreens, Rite-Aid, CVS, and other fine retailers nationwide.
Amanda and I noticed this particular piece of Americana on TV the other night, and, damn does advertising work, because we immediately snatched one up at the local drugstore.
We got the Chia tree. It is basically a terracotta pine with grooves cut into the boughs. It includes a small opening at the top where you can slide a color changing LED star. We intend to use it as our Christmas tree and put teeny tiny presents underneath it. That saves us a ton of money. New buttons and safety pins all around!
The commercials (Ch-ch-ch-chia!) are forever etched into my brain. Chia Pets are made by the same guys that sell the Clapper, so they come with an advertising pedigree. If things keep going the way they are right now, you might not see an American car in a few generations. But there will always be Chias to pick up at the gas station or end of the supermarket aisle.
I did some research into them for this post and they are not just the product of an advertising wiz. They originate from a Mexican handicraft tradition where chia plant seeds are spread over clay figures. The grass that grows on the sculpture imitates fur and adds a bit of whimsy. Not too different from our setup, except for the marketing which produced a rare Mr. T Chia back in the A-Team hey days! Check it out here. You can watch his mohawk grow, but good luck trying to get him on an airplane.
What makes Chias so popular? Maybe it is the growth. Gardening is a popular hobby and even those without a green thumb might dabble with a houseplant or two. It is a knick knack, but the hint of life gives it some more authenticity. Here is something that should be cared for and not just left to collect dust. And there is the nostalgia factor as well. I was truly excited to setup my first Chia, feeling as if I were about to partake in an enduring tradition. This wasn't just a novelty item. It was part of the lexicon. I only needed my Pet Rock, Clapper, and Thigh Master to feel complete.
On to the experience. I will track the progress of our Chia tree on the blog throughout the holidays and see how this works out. Is it as easy as the commercials make it seem? Or is it a houseplant lite?
Last week, I had a horrible cold that make my asthma flare up and bronchioles go all aflutter.
I treated it with a mixture of everything we had in the medicine cabinet. However, those were mostly second string treatments. The only rescue inhaler I had was the OTC Primatene Mist stuff. Any asthmatic unfamiliar this relic is lucky. The active ingredient is adrenaline, one of the earliest and first improved upon asthma treatments. It jumps starts your lungs by inducing a smaller version of the "fight or flight" response in your brain. To the uninitiated, imagine trying to cure your cold with an IV of Red Bull and you could get the picture. After repeated uses, the stuff stops to work, but I actually kept taking it for a slight tiny jonesing for the Styrofoam taste of it. Also, it comes in a bulbous container colored the same buff yellow of a whitehead pimple. Seems like an odd design for something that is pure adrenaline. They need to make this bad boy sexy and fierce looking. Maybe a lightning bolt or a racing stripe! It will kick that crap out of your asthma...for 10 minutes! And then it will move on to your throat!
Also, my Vicks Vapor Rub had expired. I had no idea that stuff could expire and that little date etched into the side was not fibbing. The stuff didn't work! I lather my chest and throat in the slime and felt no soothing vapors. I was just slimy. I might as well have tried to slip into a wet suit or slide down an air duct for all the grease that was on me.
The first night of the cold, I slept in intermittent periods of 15 minutes. As the night progressed at the same pace of a hockey game, I had a continuing dream where I was in prison. Not a regular prison, but a single dark room. The plaster on the walls was colored yellow, but that color had to come through black and brown smears. There was a chair. It was spindly, with metal legs and a puffy vinyl cushion with the seams coming apart. The only light came from a small barred window high up off the floor where the wall and ceiling met.
In the dream, I had the feeling I had done something horrible. I never figured out why I was trapped, but it was a heinous crime for sure. The only hint was a nagging feeling that many people had died, but it had all been an accident. An accident I caused.
I spent the night coming in and out of the dream. The room in the dream reciprocated well with our own sparse bedroom. A few times, I awoke and thought that I was still trapped. Except this time it was in China and the nagging guilt only felt stronger because everything in this room (i.e. the bedroom) was palpable and tangible.
After that evening, I spent the day feeling a bit better, but by the evening I had relapsed. We ended up going to the urgent care and getting an asthma treatment and some prescriptions. I also learned that I had the early stages of an upperrespiratory infection and ended up on antibiotics. All better now, however. And you got a blog post out of it!
Hey! If you came across the blog from the Lucymagazine site, then thanks for coming here! And thanks for reading Lucy, which was so kind in letting me write something for them.
As for this blog, I am always thinking about posting something new, but then...
ger trees tighten up as they get older and each long leaf becomes a braided green strand with the luster of snake skin.
This is the first MISHAS installment of the Hulu era. Or, at least the era in which I watch Hulu. That means that for you readers that want to play along, you can swing over to Hulu and watch the movie right now.
Pretty cool! I hope we can keep it throughout the winter. If so, then I am going to be putting enough rosemary on enough food to make Macaroni Grill jealous. Most of the food will be microwaved veggie burgers and toast, but it will be served Italian style. Mange! Mange!
Even more incredible than the image itself is that it all happened by accident and that the astronauts did no expect to see such an event. I could only compare it to watching an eclipse in ancient times, maybe over a Mayan temple, and wondering what the gods were up to. We were so bound and defined by our terrestrial origins that we could not imagine our own planet rising. Imagine the earth rise from a planet like Mars. A tiny blue sphere arises over the red horizon and it is full of life! Earth with a singular and stunning abundance of life engages in the same cosmic dance the entire Milky Way.
