Ready Player One

I had never read Ready Player One. It was one of those books that it seemed everyone had read and had strong opinions on but I had missed. In college that books was Perks of Being a Wallflower, which I still have not read.

When the movie came out, all this seemed to come to a boil especially on my Twitter feed. That is where I spend an unhealthy amount of time. And people either LOVED IT or HATED IT. And I was surprised by how much hate it got from people I consider "geeky." Wasn't this our jam?

Quick summary...in the not too distant semi post-apocalyptic future people are able to access a hyper realistic online VR "game" called the Oasis. Like the world wide web today it is a major center of business, life, and education and people interface in realistic avatars they craft. It both mirrors and defracts the "real" world which many try to escape this way. The creator of this system, a paint by numbers lonely genius, creates a contest to find a hidden treasure (The Egg), which would grant control of the Oasis and untold wealth. Our plucky hero (paint by numbers gamer nerd) is thrust into this world spanning battle in which he makes friends and fights a sinister corporation. And lots of pop culture references. Lots.

Like, I make pop culture references in work emails. Or in jokes or little asides. I'll end work emails with actual foot notes explaining jokes or re-occurring characters and instances. Big hits include wisdom from my mom, who are fave teachers, growing up in the Godless country that is Puerto Rico, ley lines, being a mech pilot, and yeah pop culture references. Lots of memes. I just had a Twitter post go viral where I asked someone what stats and buffs a bone whip (See it on Twitter @garikapc) granted. And yes...I too am shocked that I am married with children.

Ready Player One lays them on thick. These are Patrick Bateman-esque monologues usually saved for Huey Lewis and the News. And I like those bits in American Psycho! And if you get these (I am maybe 5 years too young to really squee out about these. So my squee levels were 8 out of 10 but I think a very old Millenial or young Gen X'er would be 11 out of 10. (If you don't get this think of how hyped you were for the timely/world building touches in Stranger Things)

And this is something that I remember people on Twitter either loving or hating. Its awesome! It's derivative. It gives me the nostalgic feels! C'mon up with something new!

You need to understand that everyone is 80's pop culture obsessed in this world because the creator of the OASIS (and the contest) was. And there is billions of dollar on the line so yeah we are going to have a PacMan scholar and people reciting War Games from memory. Lot of Dungeons and Dragons references (No Magic, which I found odd since other non 80s geek touchstones are. There is a Firefly/Serenity reference for maximum geekery credit! C'mon!

Oddly enough, with all the DND none of the best DND jokes with are the characters alignments and die roll jokes.  "I am going to have to roll a natural 20 on this charisma check if we want our boss to believe I was just kidding on my Facebook post yesterday!"

"That cute girl at work. OH Fuck she saw me looking at her. Going to have to roll for stealth check. NO whammy!"

This is a book about a world that literally is a video game and I have referenced how I think life as one big video game. And, for some reason, the part I liked about the books was everything that wasn't the game. Because I get that the world sucks (per the narrator) but never really sure how. Yeah they are poor and lonely but there seem to be "haves" in the world. And others just getting by so a bit more of that was cool. I found the most telling parts where the hero, Wade, meets his friends and enemies in the real world and how expectations are challenged then. A real nice scene when he meets his online best friend in real life.

The geeky stuff, like when he is picking which ship to fly to or the buffs his gear gives him, these are neat but that is my life yo so thanks but I got my own daydreams.

And, that brings me to my only quirk with the book. For how much these characters imbibe everything geeky (It literally is how they can survive) there is nothing new. Everything is a reference or a cameo. And yes, I have dreamed about driving the OG Gundam and mow down Zakus in it but I have also dreamed and doodled my own mechs. Why don't these characters? I wanted more of that world building and felt that ran a bit hollow. I get that their shtick is loving the 80s so much that it is their entire world but you can't tell me they have come up with something original. How cool would it have been for Wade to save the day with an original creation. Something no one in the OASIS could see coming. Can you imagine that. The bad guys are fucking Unicron and they have beat every Transformers in the canon (even rare Japanese only releases!) and then Wade comes up with his own machine and saves the day. That would be cool!

The book is true to its world, however, so I can't begrudge too much. The final battles involve knowing the nuances of classic arcade games so well that if you spent even a minute coming up with your own little game you would likely lose. And I billions was riding on it you know I would go hard on Joust. I just know anyone that deep into geekiness or DND would love to create their own characters and not just copy someone else.

Some quick closing hits

• A female heroine character named Artemis. How original...I do like that Wade calls her Arty, however.
• Surprised no Rocky, Rambo, or 80s horror slasher made it in. Or Dune! Dune always gets shafted on these geek compendiums.
• The focal point of the world seems to be Columbus, OH. I've been there.
• Surprised there has been no sequel even with the huge sequel bait we get. It literally is a scene where someone says not to push a button or the world will end. Something out of the Lego Movie levels of self awareness.
• Hey I love...well, even for me...I mean...err...the little ditty on masturbating was cringey. We get it, OK!? No one would put that in their magnum opus unless they self published it. Which maybe they did but the universe treats this book with the same omnipresence as Gideon Bibles.

A neat little book. Worth a read especially if you are even casually geeky.  And, no I have not seen the movie but that is coming. Get hyped for that post, porn bots!

Keto

I am on day 3 of a "diet" where I try to limit how much bread and refined sugar. The title says keto but I really dont have the patience or budget for that. So it's low carb but paced. Its making it so I can eat "bad" foods when they organically come up. Family dinners. After work events. When the kids don't finish all their fries!
I work at a school so cookies and cupcakes are common in shared spaces. So, eating a random cupcake here then a ton of pizza at home is no good. It takes the edge off the bad dinner if I don't eat that office cupcake.

And boy does this suck. I don't eat much during the day. Breakfast is rare. A sip of coffee and 2 or 3 sparking waters. Then nothing until maybe 12noon when maybe sneak a fruit cup from the kitchen. I used to eat the leftover lunches but my team has become so good at ordering that we knife edge these lunch services with inventory out of Six Sigma blackbelts.

So I get home around 5pm and I am a wreck em hungry. And I want all the carbs! Let's fucking go my bready boys!

A favorite stress food is "tacos de Sal" which is a tortilla grilled in a frying pan with butter and salt. It is heaven and it is awful for you. So I don't fire off 2 of those and just annihilate them on the counter. That way when the kids come home and say "hey lets get pizza" I don't feel as bad.

I should really eat lunch and snack but I have yet to. So I get home and I go crazy on non breads. Give me those cheeseticks and salami! Lunchbox peppers, rarrgh LETS GO! Eggs, lots of eggs. Raw broccoli, lets go! My arteries are slowly dying for sure. My kids lunchboxes are also taking a heavy hit in their available inventory.

Some prose on a chilly day

In what is a continuing trend of writing inspired by weather and the atmosphere here is something for today where it is record cold across much of the Midwest.
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Its the kind of cold that makes you think and regret. I want to get back under the covers and dwell. Stew in warmth of coming up with better response when someone was unkind to me. Of giving the guy with the guitar a dollar. Or adopting that shelter cat I saw at the pet store. At flirting back. Or not flirting in the first place. At the food left uneaten and nice email you never replied to. All the movies I've never seen and books collecting dust on a "to be read" pile. Projects left unfinished. And the chill of those bad takes doesn't compare to how cold it is outside.

Its the kind of cold that shortens cigarette breaks. Which I don't take but I am jealous others get to take in addition to what we are allowed "Hey, boss. I'm going out for a smoke."
"Oh, ok. Got it"
"Oh...boss. Can I just get some air for 10 minutes. Check my email"
"No, that is what your break is for."
But not so jealous in this cold. And eager to see some return because I need their help. Or I like looking at them from across the office. Or it is slamming even though it is cold! "Oh, hey, you are back soon. Nice"

Its a snicker snack cold that cracks heavy branches down the grain. A sharp snap and then pillowy thud into the new snow. Then then soft hiss of snowflakes nestling back onto the ground. Everything is louder and colder on a day like this. Curled into my bed I also remember hearing the muttering og my grade school custodian. Who hated blistering cold days because "the pipes." School legend had it that years ago a pipe burst shut down the school for three weeks. So you had kids gouging at plaster and brick, the same spots year from year sloughed down to divots. We were trying to get closer to the cold and snap the pipes.

I don't have proper cold weather gear. I enjoy hiking but not so much to dedicate kit to it. Albeit that is the funnest part. So, its the kind of cold that makes me dig into my closet. Find giant jeans from before I lost the weight. Put those over pajama pants, under which are a pair of basketball shorts, under which is my underwear. Then a t-shirt, baseball tee, zip up hooded sweatshirt, pull over fleece and then windbreaker (with inner fleece lining). Me and all the air pockets of insulation against the historic cold.

The cold to me is also visual both in the glittery haze over snow but the wisps of steam from errant heat. I will admit to racing out to the backyard and peeing into the fluffy mounds to see the hot smoke rise from the melted snow. Ill run the dryer and watch the agonized steam come from the vent. That is made much easier by all my layers. The urinating not so much.

But I have to race back in because the cold is most tactile in my toes. A child that globs on and lingers just where they meet the foot. Nothing cuts to the bone but it lingers which is worst about the cold because the days however short seem long and January slumbers to the horizon.

Laundromat Spook

I lived for a year in a tiny town in upstate New York called Trumansburg. It is famous for being the birthplace of the Moog Synthesizer and then a summer music fest called Grassroots. The fact both these musical things happened in the same one mile strip always made me chuckle.

It also had what seemed like two of everything but not in a helpful way for a town that seemed to be 1 mile wide by 5 miles long. Two grocery stores at opposite ends of town. Two video stores. Two greasy pizza style sports bars. Two laundromats. All in a one to two mile radius.

One laundromat was owned by a guy named Skip and I had no patience for such whimsy. He named his washers old fashioned fat lady names. Bertha is down! Belinda is a faster washer! Eunice? Oh, yeah that is my favorite washer, Eunice!

The other was the "corporate" one albeit it was run by what seemed to be a straight up ancient hag witch. Im not a looker but damn she was what you imagine when someone is being super by a super sexy illusion.

"No, don't go, Joe! I saw her reflection in the puddle at our feet and she is not hot. She is a monster!"

But I befriended her because I listened while she ranted about the price of canned vegetables. And those two supermarkets? One was better because it sold "real" Del Monte vegetables.

She collected unsold copies of the local county paper and gave them to the coffee shop across rhe street in exchange for punches on a loyalty card. Apparently the printer bought the unsold copies back. Which I never understood but it was a small local paper and she went hard for canned vegetables so why should I ask.

She never bought coffee but after hundreds of papers she would get a towering hot chocolate which like the Del Monte must have been unapologetically real.

Taste in Music

Recently at work I told someone I would rather be blind than deaf and they were surprised. I mean seeing things is very helpful indeed but sound to me is much more evocative. And don't take me for some sort of audiophile. I have horrible tastes in music. And note in this hypothetical scenario it were as if I was struck down now with blindness. So I would have years of visual memories to draw from. But, yeah, I would stick with sound.

That's an intro that when I am feeling anxious or bluesy I want to turn to writing. And this week is LOADED with anxiety so these blogs are going to be coming. Where is my "Aww Lawd he comin" meme? And my awful taste in music, which I am going to share with you because 1) THIS WEEK and 2) No one reads this

In an earlier post I mentioned how life feels like a video game so musical scores and the themes played in bumpers and theme songs hit me hard. I get a lot more imagery and memory from those than a straight up 3-4-5 minute song. And that is all true except I also have a deep seated love for awful party girl pop.

I know she recorded this under horrible duress and that the image personified in it is far from her actual person but I may like Ke$ha's Animals a bit too much. Like in "Your Love is My Drug" there is a wicked line that goes "Does my love make your heat beat like an 808 drum" and yes, I try to wrap that up into casual conversation (See below) and, yes, I will make that motion where I loop my hands over each other, place them against my chest and motion them up and down. Mimicking a heart beat. I have no shame.



But I love that line. Mostly because I love all this electronic mish mosh, bing bong stuff, but it speaks to my soul...

Co-Worker: "Oh, hey I brought in some cake for the office. Its in the break room"
Me: "Oh, thank you. That makes my heart beat like an 808 drum."
Co-Worker: ????

Mechanic: "It looks like your caliper is gone and you are closing to blowing a rod and it going through your engine block. I can fix it but will be a week to get parts and I am thinking $3,200."
Me: "Oh...that does not make my heart beak like an 808 drum."
Mechanic: ???

I also have quite the love for Demi Lovato and Heart Attack which is extra ridiculous since it is a schmaltzy girl power song. Nothing wrong with that but I cannot empathize with "painting my nails and wear perfume" and "make him bounce like a basketball" But, damn do I love it because it sounds like something you listen while beating people up. At least the chorus. Its a song played before some hero just dunks on the bad guys. If the hero was a heroine...getting ready for a date.

I drive a nine year old purple Honda Fit with 2 lame tires but I will sometimes take a turn a bit too tight if I am listening to Rihanna's Shut up and Drive. Driving to work, juggling my phone and drinking coffee mouthing...

"Cause its 0 to 60 in 3.5/ Baby, you got the keys/ Now shut up and drive!"



And the allegory in this song is very heavy handed and it is not lost on me but I take it like the literal version. They had it Wreck it Ralph! Has to to be wholesome, right?

Talking about dreams...sorry

I can't remember the bit or show but I remember a scene where someone says that they hate when people talk about their dreams. Its boring. It's not a nice scene. It stuck with me because I resist it albeit I always find it a good catalyst to blog. Talking about dreams that is. Even just typing down what you dreamt of before it is lost forever. A digital dream journal.

I had a recent one that stuck out because it staggered over several awakenings. I sleep in a herdy-gerdy style with 3 hours on then 15 minutes up then another 4 hours, etc. And this dream picked up where it left off as my subconscious slide it through the night. This never happens with good dreams mind you. Most of my dreams are heavy on the #fomo. Or end on cliffhangers

"Unsheaths sword...ok, let's go!....WAKE UP!"
"The paperwork has cleared and you are now the owner of...WAKE UP"
"The mobile suit powers on, it's eyes glowing ready...WAKE UP,
"Oh, let me bend and snap to pick up this shiny penny...WAKE UP"

This all reads quite hackneyed. The worlds lamest collection of choose your own adventure endings.

In this running dream I'm at work but typical to these scenarios its not my building. Instead work is a giant corporate/airport style food court or grand atrium. Lots of glass up in angles and shiny chrome framing. Exposed ventilation high up in the ceilings and sealed marble floors in alternating swaths of white and emerald.
And my coworkers are working at short satiny chrome cafe tables with neat folding chairs. Everyone sits at one table, some stacks of paper on some and laptops on others. This sounds sad but it's a serene and copacetic scene. People mill about and chat. They seem to get things done. And don't worry everyone is wearing clothes! Most importantly me! Not that hackneyed! ;-)

Save for me. In the dream I am hustling from end to end of this airport terminal acting as an office trying to fix a copier. Which is something I unofficially do at work. And I forgot the toner and I need to blast across the floor. Oh, and then its something with the staples and fuck those are in another closet! If we even have spares. And I shuffle to and fro mumbling to myself, head down and playing our whole convos in my head even pantomining gestures. Practicing my "No, I don't know why it won't work!"

Maybe im manic because outside it feels like a coup is happening. It like the airport scene in Congo (remember that movie!?) except with much less Ernie Hudson. Actually none.

Helicopters buzz. Cars turf lawns as they zip across streets and parks. A group of 4 guys rappel down the crystal walls and rushes into a playground. Everyone lools very official and war ready and im inside wearing khakis. The world outside looks exactly like the area around my work. And no one inside looks up from their serene tables. Mind that no one outside is trying to get in but our location is the hub for all this.

And the rest of the dream is the hum of all this zipping about.

What does it mean? Because my subconscious serialized it over an evening.

Is it...a comment on what I can and cannot control?

A bad omen?

Mentall chaff from those weird tactical gear ads I see? You look into buying one set of kevlar arm sleeves and people think your masculinity is so frgaile you get ads for tactical hearing aids.

Just a dream?

On point

At work one of responsibilities is to order things. All kinds of things. Office supplies. Furniture. Discs of sandpaper. Chemistry kits. Hotel bookings and pizzas. Ordering food fills me with the most anxiety because what if it is late and people are upset?
I also deliver a lot of the stuff which can be annoying like when i had to lug a yoga mat the size of curbside trash can up 3 floors but I need the exercise. And I think people appreciate it. They notice that. People notice hustle and being prepared an on the spot. Earn respect and all that.

So one day I delivered a set of office supplies to one coworker and placed it om her desk. And she walked in at the time and I said its your stuff and she said "cool" and went onto work.

And the not saying thank you really stuck with me. Why didn't she say something? Undoubtedly it is because of something with me, yes? Or do I listen to the lizard part of my brain and be, "No, it's her fault!" How rude, right?! Or, no, she is likely super busy and just forgot. Occams razor, right? I'm naturally crabby so I don't want to listen to the list of times I was less than 100% on point. Because it would be the sort of stuff people read when they try to filibuster a bill.

What do you call the inverse of a meme? Not an idea but a little nugget of doubt that sticks with you like the peeble in your shoe? There has to be a German word for it, correct? Because here I am typing it all up days afterwards.

Something Current: Bandersnatch

Just like I have read zero Harry Potter or seen zero Doctor Who, the fact I've only seen maybe 4 episodes of Black Mirror betrays the pre cut narrative of me. I'll get to them some day.

I did see the Black Mirror du jour, Bandersnatch, which has the neat gimmick of being "choose your own adventure style."

And it's neat. The signature twist is what makes it just a bit sharper than what I expected. I won't spoil it but it is unexpected because you have the choice to not just break the 4th wall but absolutely go Kool Aid man annihilation on it. The other options are more in line with rhe usual Black Mirror dystopia.

Like all their productions, this Black Mirror is well made and looks great. This was certainly a difficult show to make what with multiple endings and needing to connect all the varying threads. And like any good "choose your own adventure" you can go back to see what could have been. Albeit, this does take me out of the narrative when the option is literally "Go back." Or you get forced into a channel that streams you to the next, and only, option. But that is making the story. While I thought it would be neat to have a story where "Hey, you decide to listen to your folks and take your meds and go to therapy and become, over time, a well adjusted adult" that would make for a very short story. There does seem, like in video games, "good" and "bad" endings.

This all said, it is a gimmick. Neat one but this is a movie with multiple endings. One for theaters, one for "home video," etc. That's not too weird. What is bold is you can access it all right there and not on some blu ray or message board. At that point it seems to lose a bit of punch. Maybe its just me but I feel whatever ending you get first you are going to think is the one true one. You never forget your first!

Maybe we will look at this and say it is groundbreaking in a few years. But I can play a video game for an interactive entertainment experience

Worth a viewing and a great piece to watch with friends.

Go See Into The Spiderverse

Did not see many new movies in 2018 for all the same reasons that “going out” seems to be, for mid 30 something olds, an impossible dream. A resolution for 2019 is trying to actually consume more media as I often just pass out on the couch scrolling through Twitter.

I did see Spiderman: Into the Spider-Verse and what a film! By the time you read this I would have seen it 3 times in the theater. The last time i saw a movie multiple times in the theater was the first Michael Bay Transformers (more because by coincidence friends wanted to see it and it was not that bad) and before that The Phantom Menace because I loved Star Wars and thought, “Here we go 1999! This is my Star Wars on the big screen!” I think every watching was trying to trick myself into that it
was good.

But not Spider-Verse.

It's amazing. An honest joy to watch and hear. It is hackneyed to say super hero movies are hackneyed but I would counter these movies (Infinity War, Aquaman, etc) are action adventure movies. There are heroes but I dont get a ton of whiz-bang or hope. I don't want to jump in and help Thor and Groot and Rocket Racoon fight when they blast into Wakanda. It's cool! It kicks ass. I like it, I do! The elevator scene in Captain America: Winter Soldier is porn to me.

But saving people and wanting to lose 20 lbs and squeeze into tights? Wanting to flex in that bathroom mirror and be “Hey,maybe?” Those don't do it. Spiderverse did. If you have not seen it (AND YOU SHOULD!) then maybe you saw Wonder Woman and remember when she gets out of the trench and is taking all that fire and she is “Fuck, lets go!” Yeah, felt like that. Real swashbuckling, cape and cowl stuff.


I will avoid major spoilers but some may come up so be warned!


I likes how we went back to an actual teenage Spiderman with Miles Morales. He has been in comics for nearly a decade but I will admit to not reading his books. I actually have not read many Spiderman books. My main intro was the 90s Saturday morning cartoon on Fox Kids which was pretty cool with it's serialized format and very wonky early cgi. Add to this we also get an older (I would guess he is mid to late 30s since in thr film Peter B Parker says he has done it for 22 years) Peter Parker who is a bit more war weary yet no less wise cracking or capable. I felt Peter B Parker but the response to Miles is exhilarating. An Afro Latino Spiderman? Very nice for a modern take and why he came into the fold and was popular for all those years in the comics. Representation matters even if for me it means i see myself more as Peter B Parker than Miles. But the kids where I work? Oh, it's amazing they will have someone that looks like them. And Miles’ bag has a tiny PR flag sticker on it. And while I am mostly immune to much of the hollow PR nationalism that follows any, however small, outside recognition, I am still human and thought it a nice touch.

And the movie has a theme of anyone can be a hero. "The costume always fits...eventually," says an animated Stan Lee in what is likely one of his final cameos. This feels very refreshing and affirmative especially in light of how angry some Internet folks become when anything changes. They will call us social justice warriors (As if this is an insult. You guys can't call us something like pussies or wusses?) but its a story about how anyone can step up and learn. Which makes sense for a comic book property considering there are hundreds of comic variants and alternative story lines for even minor characters.

The movies feels like a comic book. In the visual touches (And this is something that you have never seen until you seen it. The look is static yet in motion. Rotoscope and Ben Day dots and computers and asides make this wonderful amalgam of a picture. Its a big over the top tiki drink of a movie with tons of little touches of the rarest ingredients that all work. This movie, if you look at it on paper, should have failed.

Animated Spiderman? Um...Ok. Didn't we just have the 3rd reboot a year ago. And animated...that's for kids

A new Spiderman? Who is a minority? Um...look those alt right guys buried James Gunn and we have rent we need to pay.

Sony Pictures Animation? These guys made Storks and The Emoji Movie.

Experimental animation that the studio actually patented the process? Um...can we make another Shrek. People love that Smash Mouth song!

We are going to try humor and heart but action and asides and then an ensemble cast. Um...there is a formula and it works. Look...we made money on Emoji.

But it does. It does in a high flying stupendous and fun style. It feels very familiar but is quite bold what with new characters, the death of favorite ones, and re-interpretation of villains. The intro of the new Doctor Octopus is quite jarringly pleasant. But it also plays with those tropes. Everyone's uncle seems to be dead! The Spider-Verse is a hard place to be an uncle. These seem to be the only throw away characters as even the villiams get a bit of a moment where we sympathize with them. The movie is pure fun and I think we forget movies are supposed to be that. Miles is having fun being Spiderman and wouldn't we?

Here are some quick things that tickled me:

I love Miles and Gwen's platonic relationship. I saw on Twitter a fair piece of steal your girl jokes and...well...read a comic book (or glance Wikipedia) guys

I love Nicholas Cage (!!!) as Spider-Noir. "Sometimes I burn matches down to their ends and my fingertips so I can feel something." YES! YES!

I love the look of King Pin and how, literally, massive he is. Liev Schreiber gives the right mix of terror and schmaltzy villain. Its a big step from Storm King in the MLP movie where it was all just shcmatlz.

The sound track! Its a mix tape made for dancing and maybe taking the next curb just a little closer. Yes, you need to take some salt with it. There is a line where the guy goes "I go hard like the shell of a lobster" and...OK. But its all lovely hip hop

The Miles "rise" scene. It is every day dream I have ever had.  There is an earlier post where I scribble a similar scene with my own hero and wow...I can't think of anything but that scene and that song. This below has been on repeat on my phone since December 14, 2018:

There is a line in the final battle where Miles shows up and surprises all the Spider folks to start kicking ass. After a movie long development of apprehension from Miles. After being told he can't do the final mission. He rises and swings in and Peter B Parker says "I love you. I am so proud of you." God, damn that slayed me. When is the last time you heard that in some non-hackneyed fashion. Because you would think its a kid doing well at the damn science fair or some throw away character clutching pearls before the hero leaves. And here it feels so organic and earned. It then is followed up where Gwen and Miles team up to beat Doc Ock and Peter B Parker responds "That was adorable, team!" How many super hero films are one person going it alone? How many messiahs do we need? These are not bad tropes but they are a bit too stepped so this sweet and still punchy teamup is just wonderful. Its Ok for new heroes to come and embrace the past without being crippled by it. 

The movie just makes me happy and I am not a happy go lucky guy. It really is the best thing I have seen in the last 10 years of my life.

As of this writing, It has made just a bit over 100 million US and 100 million international (with coming openings in Japan and Latin America) so while it won't make crazy blockbuster money (albeit it should) it should make enough money to allow the studio to green light a sequel. And I hope against hope they can recreate this. 

Something My Kids Said-Xmas Gift

Sometimes on Twitter I will post little scenes. I like to imagine I am Chekov and here are my tiny tales of dialogues. The bump to 280 characters was a boon to these but sometimes they are too long and I am bad at threads. They also lose their panache unless it is a spicy rant or something informative.

What happens with my family often proves worthy of a few likes so here is something that happened over Xmas.

To set the scene...I got my wife an SNES Mini for Xmas. She loves all those platformer games from our early to mid 90s youth and I knew it would get mileage just from Super Mario World and Donkey Kong Country. Its a neat little buy!

Sitting back waiting for my Nintendo money. Any time now...

I like that Nintendo added a tiny bit of mercy with a quick save state. If you ever played these games on an emulator (And I know we could do that but my wife would not get as much whimsy out of booting up some ROM file. The SNES Classis is tiny and cute and whimsical!) then you know what i talking about. You can save "live" to where you left off. So you hit re-set on the SNES Classic and go about your day, come back and BOOM! You are back where you left off. Which is nice because rememebr how damn hard games where? How merciless they were? In one tricky part of Donkey Kong Country I asked my wife "How are you going to beat this level!"

To which she replies "Well I just need to do it perfectly. A perfect run."

Ah, but of course! We will just nail it! At one point in Donkey Kong Country I bemaon "We don't have the frog! How are we going to get over this jump without the frog!?" And...whelp...there is no way to get over the damn jump without the frog. "I guess I will just stand here until the end of time. There is no time limit in this game."

Damn is this game hard. We let children play it! MINE CARTS!

Ok,  enough back story....here is the scene....This verbatim save for the names which are pseudonyms.

Wife: (Playing the SNES Mini. She has just died, again, in some tricky level in Super Mario World.) "Fuckin A! Can't believe it"

3 Year Old Daughter: (Looking up from her Paw Patrol Coloring Book) "Fuckin A"

Wife: (Shooting dagger eyes at my daughter) "Don't you say Fuckin A"

Daughter: "What? I am just saying Fuckin A. Just saying."

Wife: NO!

5 Year Old Son: "Yeah, Cleo. You should not say 'Fuckin A' because it is bad word. You should say 'Damn It.' That's a better word. Isn't that right, momma?"

Check List

I have a deep set anxiety about getting things done early. Blame my mother (If that helps) whose own fatalism and worry made me now always ALWAYS be at least 3 hours early to the airport. Which is to detriment of people I travel with. I once took a business trip with a colleague and I was so relieved when she too was "Yeah I am one of those early airport people. Do you think that is weird" No, it is not! IT IS NOT INDEED! Bullet dodged. The last time I traveled it was back from a wedding in the Bay Area and I had an early flight. Like 7:30am. I was staying at the same Berkeley bed and breakfast as a friend and his fiancee and they too also needed to leave early. "Oh, we have an international flight back to Ecuador so we like to get there early. Is that ok?" YES! YES! YES! And mind you that was his fiancee asking. My friend already knew I was in an existential panic about getting there early. 

My current job affords me these longer breaks as we follow a K-12 calendar. And I have improved because everyone implores me to "not work over break" but I can't miss that window. I often joke that life is one big video game to me and my quest list is quite long. I walk through work and up pop tiny and never ending radiant quests. 

"Oh, hey. There is petrified chocolate milk spilled on this wall. What are we going to do about it?"

Options (Choose One)

A) Ignore. You have other main storyline missions to complete. Like submitting this federal grant before the end of the year!

B) Try the hard charisma check and see if the custodian will clean it. Or if the cleaners will come in on their day off to do it. (Note my charisma is close to 0. Why waste experience and perk points on that when there are so many things to smash!)

C) Ignore and tell the teacher in said room they need to handle on their own. (This will not go over well with the NPCs who you need on your side to complete other missions. But maybe take the hit just this time? Which NPC is it? What are their stats? Is this the way to get the "good ending?" Are they cute? Because your actual boss gave you the one in option A. And that is the character that gives you your gold at the end of every mission)

D) DO IT!

 I usually go with D. Or I jot it down on endless streams of post it notes in my furious loopy doop handwriting. I draft emails on my phone and then attain a constant email zero where there is nothing unread in my inbox. If it is unread it is because I allow it to remain unread. Or usually because I did read it but then marked it unread as to remind me to do that when I get back to the office. Like marking your quest active. 

Return of Movies I Should Have Seen Already!

On the older versions of the blog (and in thr archives here too) I hae a column called "Movies I Should Have Already Seen" Pretty straightforward, right? Here are some movies I have yet to see that people often guffaw at learning so:

Pulp Fiction
Nightmare Before Christmas
Breakfast Club
It's A Wonderful Life
Heat
Casino
Schindlers List
North by Northwest (Showing my age a lot of classic movies tbh)
Back to the Future

And on and on.

Here is one that I just saw for the first time: Enter The Dragon

To caveat this, all I know about "grindhouse 70s kung fu" is Kill Bill and Wu Tang Clan references. And this had been mimicked and copies to the point I got much of it from the zeitgeist. "Boards don't hit back." Yeah...got it.

Oh, but its still so good! The lines are brief and corny but solid. I particularly like John Saxon's character asking his aide how much money he has left and its about 60 something dollars. And the aide responds with a sarcastic yes but damn did the John Saxon character think that was impressive.

And for creating so many cliches I did dig how it plays with it. Like when Bruce Lee fights O'hara. O'hara is the top henchmen. He is introduced via a montage of him getting hit with boards and not flinching. "This is the only film we have of him," says the exposition. His audition tape for American Ninja Warrior?

And the fights builds up with fanfare and Bruce just destroys him. Middle of the film too. Just set em up and knock em down.

I laughed at one scene where Bruce gets some nunchuks and does a solid 10 second bit where he shows off his skill to a henchmen. I was expecting the henchman to run away after this but he just pauses, grabs a bat, and runs in to get annihilated.

Bruce is a absolute unit. I knew his legend but you sometimes have to see to believe and damn was he amazing. Just glowing with power and charm. Sometimes the legends are true. Like, how people forget Vince Carter and Karl Malone were damn good (because they did not win the NBA championships) but no did you see them? Did you see this dunk?! Karl Malone could fight a bear!

The movie feels like a motion comic. Bruce does this move where he finishes off a few guys by throwing them on tje ground and then jumping on their spines. You dont see the actual kill but hear the crack and his dramatic "Hiyah!" But its also the fluid static of the moves. Maybe its a technical reason or a trade craft reason (the hell I know about kung fu!) but fights are seen. By that I mean we get pose, move, hit, next. Pose, move, hit, next. Oh and lots of screaming and "Hiyah!" These felt, to me, like panels in a comic and the little interludes the gutter lines between each. So every move has a tinge of anticipation and imagination.

Really hats off to the foley and audio team here. I love every crack and snikt and "hiyah!" I have no clue if its technically good but hold those details close. I love each Wilhelm scream in here. They are mini codas to end of those comic panels.

The mirror fight, right? Wow, that's a scene.

I may have some more kung fu movie watching to come indeed. Thousand Type Style! 🐉

Snooze

My sleep is broken. The mutant power I inherited (The ability to sleep anywhere) still works. It's my timing.

My wife and I haven't slept in the same bed for over a year. Oh, don't worry! It's because I snore and mumble and she is a very light sleeper. It has helped! And I love sleeping on couches. My ideal sleeping situation is a nest of mish-mosh blankets tucked into the corner of those large L shaped couches you can buy. I dig my feet into the space between the couch and the cushion and they are warm.

But the hours. I can barely stay awake past 9pm. "I just need to rest for a little bit," is the lie I tell myself before passing out. Then I wake up at 3am and the anxiety ramps up! I need to do things around the house! Dishes, laundry, cat boxes, fish tanks, pick up toys! Oh, why didnt I read. I used to read so much! Oh, I could have fiddled with my cards to make a new EDH deck or grinded some more levels on a game. I should have finished binging this new show. Or one of the dozen old ones I left unfinished. Oh, work! Fuck! WORK! It is going to be zany today. I can feel it so I need to do what I can know to get ahead. Sometimes I will zip around and then pass out avain at 530am trying to eek out 30 minutes of rest before my alarm actually goes off.

Anyone have any advice?

My Favorite Music

I often struggle when asked, often casually at a conference for work or when trapped on some shared mode of movement like an elevator, "Hey, what is your favorite music?" Or "What kind of music do you like?"

And its because I don't dive deep on music like say I would a book or a game. Or keeping fish tanks. I just listen to the stuff I liked when I was a kid. I fortunate those bands still play albeit the sound has changed to the point where "Well, its not for me." Then anything I have picked up because I heard it on a show or on the radio. One time, while stuck in the sleepy hills of the Firelands region of Ohio, I stumbled on what I assume was a Christian rock station. And there was an honest to God song that sounded damn good and went...."The Beast is coming. So you better start running. But we don't need arms to fight! We believe in Christ!"

It kicked ass! I then googled it up and found 1) I totally misheard the lyrics and 2)Its Mirrors by Archers Rise and yes I do listen to it at the gym.



Maybe I feel awkward because everyone else seems so hyper aware of what they like. People issue things on vinyl and secret album drops. This is my Spotify mix. Meanwhile I am slumming it listening to music on free YouTube.

Part of it is that music and sounds fire off distinct day dreams for me. A song I really like is Disintegration by Jimmy Eat World. Its very much so a song about addiction (I think?) and distrust and relationships broken by it. I have no experience with this but there is an incredible instrumental piece in it where guitar strings build towards a crescendo while a drum beats in a come hither tone. Then Jim Adkins starts crooning "Stay on my side tonight" And its supposed to be painful but what I imagine is...



***The video should begin at that part. If not its around 4 minutes in***


An armor clad heroine, on a hanging parapet on Cleveland's Terminal Tower (Or imagine any tall building in a city), coming up from a half crouch. Below here is Public Square. Its early winter. Sometime before Christmas but right around Thanksgiving. And while Cleveland has a sleepy downtown its busy because its the holidays and people are skating in the square and ducking into the casino.
She checks her gear one more time and rocks in her hand a collapsible baton that splits apart and weaves out a length of braided high impact cabling. Its like Daredevil's billy club. Ok, it is. Because he is awesome.
And a car comes into frame coming off the Detroit-Superior bridge. It has the mark. And the car knows it is hunted. It cuts someone off and almost hits a construction barrel as it ducks between two buses. And it stays between them as it plods along the street thinking the random innocents will reduce their chance of being caught. And then the car makes the left turn around the square so it comes right in front of the tower. And 82 something stories over the heroine jumps off an dives towards the car which is idling and enveloped in the white haze of chilled car exhaust. And up in the air, the cold wind cuts at the heroine's face. She closes her eyes partially out of comfort but also to focus because she has telekinetic powers (Did I mention that) and she is snapping window panes behind her. The mark in the car can't hear over the idle of engines and the sheer height but she is trailing the cabling and a cloud of shimmering shards behind her. She thinks of the property damage but if this is successful she will get away. And if not then she will be dead so why does it matter. And the song hits that crescendo at the end and she loops the cabling over a lower parapets and begins to bow her swing so she is right over the car. She lets go and sends the shards flying so it eviscerates the tires of cars around the mark. They won't be able to zip away or even try to rattle away on rims because the whole intersection is snarled and angry. Then she breathes in a sharp, short breath and focuses to cushion her landing onto the car roof. The mark whelps in the car and reaches for a gun but he is panicked at it snags on the seat belt. She draws her weapon by spooling back the cabling with the simple flick of a button and then....

The daydream/memory stops there as the song tapers off into its lulling end.

So I have a lot of those. And they are not always so adventurous. I envision myself doing stacks and stacks of paperwork to the Bassnectar Remix of Ellie Goulding's Lights. There is another Jimmy Eat World called Authority Song that when I hear I actually imagine a musical number in the tiny coffee shops I worked in after college. They mention a jukebox in it and I think of someone twirling a partner towards the stereo so she taps it and fires up. I push a lot of paper and pay a lot of bills at my job and I will fore myself up playing Kanye's Feedback which is anything but a song about clerking and running POs. But he says "Wake up baby, wake up! Time to get the paper!"

And, to close, I adore video game soundtracks, chill wave, movie scores, even the music from the old stool Toonami intros. The 08th MS Team intro is pure fire! Its the descending violins for sure. But because its all adventuring music!



Maybe the only song I can take in as a pure thing is Pursuit of Happiness by Kid Cudi. Which is funny since I am super straight edge, never been in a gun fight, am quite fussy and cantankerous, but do roll with the Midwest and do often scream out "Fuck That"

9/11 Post

As the day is appropriate then here is what I was doing on 9/11. Names have been changed for anonymity.

I was a senior in high school. Because I took several AP courses between 9 and 11, I actually had 2 free periods plus lunch that year. That is about 2 hours of a 7 hour day just doing nothing. I mostly did homework or read. I was notorious for completing assignments early so I could have more time to do fun things like read or watch TV/movies. Play Magic The Gathering, Magi Nation or PS2. HS for me was peak media imbider even before binging or "I can do what I want I'm an adult" time.

One free period had a fair amount of my buddies in it. We were the geek clique. My senior class was small, 45 kids and roughly made up of 6 or so cliques

Puerto Rican Mafia "cool kids who were native islanders"

American Mafia "cool kids who were not from the island"

Stoners/Surfers

Geeks

Weirdos

Too cool for school kids

There were kids who could struggle both. I had/have a good friend named Chen who was a geek. Got me,into Magic and board games. His dad made us our own WW2 inspired tabletop game. But he was also supremely cool and also from PR but ethnically Asian so he was cool in both mafias!

Geeks and weirdos had some cross pollination. Geeks liked talking about Dragon Ball Z. Who would win? Piccolo or RGoku?! Weirdos wore those Drgaon Ball Z polyester button ups short sleeved shirts.

Anyway...this first free period only had 5 other seniors in it. None were my pals. None were enemies mind you. We just left each other alone.

I was reading in the back of the senior gazebo, what was our senior lounge. This was PR so our school did not have hallways. Instead it had a community college vibe with 2 story tall conrete buildings and some ground level double wide type structures around the central quad. The senior gazeborested over the exposed roots of a small glade of trees so it looked always craggy and knotted. Full of mystery and potential.

From the edge of the quad and up from a small slope came a girl in my sensor class, Raquel, who was the Principal's daughter. She told the gathering of us in the gazebo (it was actually 3 small gazebos joined. 3 little hexagons) "I heard in the office, something happend in New York with a plane."

Oh...whatever everyone said or thought. I did. How is that many different from some disaster 2 states over?

The bell then rings and everyone pours out. I had to walk clear across campus (over by the elementary school) for college algebra. I did not have many friends in this class becsuse mt school,had 2 tracks: smart or not smart. I did well in all classes save math. So college algebra was the "normal" math for seniors and "Pre Calculus" or "Calc AP" was the smart track. Because I got Cs in math this jacked up my schedule but I thank my mom for insisting the principal make this happen. Had no interest in failing because of "whats normal." But my friends were in calc AP and I here albeit, again, it wasnt bad. Just sucks to not take classes with close friends.

On the way down I heard people chattering about what they heard. Which is odd since it had happenrd when were in class and this before peoole were mass texting. Everyone had cells but we talked. Or played Snake!
A pair of 7th graders said it was Russian fighter jets. Most people assumed accident. I wad curious but also it was nothing in my world. I was not apathetic. I likked keeping abreast of the news but it was just that. News.

We did math class and then I went to AP English Lit. This had 8 kids in it. A lot were my friends. Neat! However that day all but me and Chen were out on a field trip to the art museum. So it was a gimme class. We told the teacher "Hey, can we go to the library and watch the news. Something big happened." The teachers refused but knowing it was BS to teach Ellison's Invisible Man to 2 kids she said "I'll go to the office and see for myself"
She did and came back 1 minute later (her room was right next door) and said "Oh my God! Go!" And she bolted from the room something I had never seen a teacher do.

We went up the small slope to the library to see a big screen TV rolled out onto the floor and a gathering of varioue teachers and students. And there I saw it.

I dont recall much of what happened the rest of the day. I had a friend, Barry, who had an aunt in NYC who was worried. Just a lot of speculating and "wow, thats life." cartoon network stopped airing the OG Mobile Suit Gundam for some reason after the attack and I remember being "wtf".

We lives thousands of miles from it. PR is part of the US for sure but to me and my family it was just news, horrible news, but just that. That is the thing about PR. Its liie America until it is not. See the Hurricane Maria phenomenon or how "the real America" never seems to be a place anyone lives.

I am not a fan of the "world changed" that day. History is living and fluid. The violence and repercussions of that day were felt before, during and now after. However, neither am I an "armchair woke folk." No one deserved to die that day regardless of what our country has done or how warped an ideology the hijackers had.

On this day I think of that day in HS and the books I was reading at the time (Passage to India, X Wing novels) and the girls I tried to talk to. I think of my mom buying a special edition of the newspaper from the street corner barker, soemthing I had only seen in movies. I think of books I read since then...Ghost Wars, The Bin Ladens, Charlie Wilson's War. My college freshmen roommate who was Muslim and Bangladeshi anf admitted to maybe not coming to the states after that. The volunteer groups I used to manage on the subsequent anniversaries. I think of tales still going on but also etched on people. Tales also lost with the victims.

Masterpiece

Warning that this post gets nerdy!  And I admit to 2 fictional character crushes!* 

This October, Magic (MTG) is going back to Ravnica in the Guilds of Ravnica set. The hype is strong for the set. It usually is for every fall release (which in the MTG world is akin to summer movie blockbuster season) but this one is high because people love Ravnica. I didnt play when it first came out but I get. The world (about the size and equivalence to a planet in our real world) is one giant city. And a city built and rebuilt onto itself with green spaces, junkyards, halls, plazas, markets, etc. It is layered with stories moving across and vertically as the cityscape changes.

So that's neat. But it also has gangs! Well, guilds. Each guild is made up of a 2 color pair in the game. This is hard to explain without knowing the game but...the game has 5 colors and your deck can be 1, 2, 3,4 or all 5 of those. Players refer to their decks, often, by the names within the game for those colors. So...instead of saying this is my blue and white deck one can say..."This is my Azorius deck." Its branding but also fun since you can identify as a color identity. Its like a horoscope or a Myers Briggs but for Magic. Like I personally identify as Bant (White, Blue, Green) and it is why I am always one of those "do the right thing" type people. Albeit the amount of yelling I do with my kids may make me a bit Boros or Jeskai

This is also the 3rd time we have gone to Ravnica so people who like that world (and people really keen on these guilds) are excited to build on it. No other world has gotten that many go arounds. MTG's original plane, Dominaria, had many years of exploration but that is before MTG committed to making planes with clear identities.

Not that MTG (technically their parent company, Wizards of the Coast, subsidiary of Habro) needs more hype but they teased masterpieces.

What are those? 

Masterpieces are cards not technically in the set but still available in packs of it. They were featured in the last few (about 3 years) big sets and they helped boost sales. They have district art, framing and often were big money cards. It was like a Golden Ticket type promotion. And rare...like 1 in every 1000 packs. For context a whole box of packs has 36. 

I only ever opened 2 from the first time they did this. One was a gorgeous Sol Ring...a card with a lot of MTG history and a lovely $300 retail value. 

For Ravnica 3, MTG has masterpieces. It is not magical items or locations but planeswalkers. This is unique to the game but they are powerful wizards/warriors with the ability to travel between the planes of realtiy at will. Like Quantum Leap! The game treats them like superheroes and villains and the story is set around their adventures.

Ok...so cool...alternate art versions of key characters. Lets go!

Well...the good news is you can buy all of them in one swoop! Neat...no more luck of the draw. Bad news...well the whole set is $250 and only available in a limited print run from the Hasbro store. MTG has had other collectors only type products but you have been able to get them on Amazon or most importantly your local game store. So while these are in the same vein as the other masterpieces they don't have that treasure feel. And I have never used the Hasbro store but I hear that it is a clunker of a website akin to how I used to register for classes in college. Can I wax my modem to try and make it go faster?

A lot of time and energy has been spent on why this move feels bad by people supremely more talented than I. I suggest reading/watching them. Mine is more personal

One of the fancy planeswalkers is Elspeth. Specifically, Elspeht Knight Errant. For certain chracters there are different versions based on their time/place in the story. 

Here is the card:

And here is high res full art by artist @zack_stella

OMG...i'm in love. 😍 Well I have always been since learning about her character. She is one of my fictional character crushes. No, its not weird! As a younger man I had a major crush on Sailor Moon. Its not weird It's not. Stop laughing. Ok, it can get weird. This is the Internet and Rule 34 but its not that here.  How is it different than liking the werewolf guy from Twilight. Is that still a thing? Stop laughing.

She is a bad ass knight who escape her home home world after it was invaded and has fought trying to keep those people off other planes. And her story has ups and downs with wins and losses and...then...they killed her off. Fuck. Why?!?!?!? If you notice in the art she has has a hole in her armor where the God of the Sun (who betrayed her after she saved him) stabbed her. It's all quite the Greek tragedy (which makes sense since this happened on a plane inspired by Greek myths) and lame. She got "refrigerator-ed" and, yes, I know she will come back one say. The art hints at it since she is in the underworld and the gold mask lets her come up to the living world but....when!? Or ever!?

But look at it! The eerie colors and general smoky dreary sfumato of he underworld cut by the fire of her torch and the glint of the mask. She is coming back! YAASSS! She usually wears a hood (Hoods make any character 100% times more bad ass. Nothing is better than pulling up a hood and running into battle!) but she looks good without. She obviously has been through a lot (note the fraying on the sash and the damn hole where the Sun God betrayed her) but she will come back! YAAASSS!

I hope...😭

Stop laughing! Laugh at the other posts!

All that said she is an awesome character. Bad ass and looks good without the "female armor" trope. She isn't fighting plane hopping monsters in a bikini. She isn't fighting to save a boyfriend. She isn't a token girl character. SHE KICKS ASS! She is awesome and I want that card but I need a combination of $250 and luck on 10/3/18 when these go on sale. Considering that I could get 2 whole boxes of the latest set and still have about 50 bucks leftover spending that at my local store (Or that I would have $250 to drop at one time on MTG) it is a pipe dream. On the secondary market the cards will likely be even more. Nearly double. And there are other versions of Elspeth and other printings of Elspeth Knight Errant with lovely artwork to. And no I don't use her in any of my decks but I may make a kitchen table casual white weenie deck and all her versions would rock in it. 

*Its Sailor Moon and Elspeth if you dont want to read all this. Don't @ me!

Some prose...Heat Wave

I was looking through some old journals and found I write a fair piece about the weather. This makes a decent amount of sense since many of these journals date back to when I was in college and would hang around the woods reading and writing. And I took maybe 3 naturalist writing classes (only outpaced by how many Science Fiction classes I took. One in Writing Dept, One in English Dept, and another as an experimental interdisciplinary course) and then a Field Bio course where we had to jot down many observations. Maybe I will transcribe these one day. That said I  am often inspired to write by weather. Which I know...thrilling. You talk about the weather either when the conversation has died or it IS the conversation. Or when you are just trying to pass through or making the most banal of casual conversation. So either...

1) "Oh, hot enough for ya. Hehehe. Ok, bye!"

OR

2) "IT IS A FUCKING HURRICANE OUT! GET INSIDE!"

OR

3) ***You just told her you don't get why you can't refer to women as "females"*** "So....um...hot enough for ya?"

But Romanticizing it? On a blog? Well this one for sure....

___________________________________________________________________________

The city rolled into Labor Day with a heat wave. In newer buildings or retail spaces it is chilly with each door swing throwing walls of angry air at each other. The heat stifling, the cold ramped as far as the coils can go. I tend to poke around in older buildings looking for a piece of scrap or earshot of interesting conversation. The bricks feel warm and the splintered beams of wood seem to crackle, each hole open agape and hurting. In darker/cooler spots, usually a bathroom, the porcelain sweats especially around the bottom of toilet bowls. I once owned a rabbit who did not like the heat and we would allow to free roam around the house. He would curl around the basin of our toilet which was a wide commercial model somehow placed in an apartment (It was a cheap apartment) and wick away the heat and moisture onto his fur.
Climbing through the tall grass of an overgrown lot I noticed the window AC running in the house behind me. It hums placidly making a family happy but I followed the fat dew drops from the corner to the ground. There they smash with the consistency of the oil splatter of a frying pan creating a tiny thick clump of grass where everything else is willowy tendrils in a patch of brown-yellow. The side of the house has peeling paint and crumbling grout between the windows and maybe if were not so oppressively hot out I could feel the nimble cold escape from the cracks. But today it feels like everything else lost in the heat that one can drink.

The Kitty Cat Game

I tend to be a "yelling" type dad. I am a quiet person but do come from a loud culture where it is OK to berate kids in public. I have never berated my kids in public but we have done lots of "We need to go the car" or "Come here" and then its the usual awkward hissing negotiating in corner of a restaurant booth or crouched in some abandoned aisle of Costco. Usually the aisle with the school supplies by the jewelry, where they also sometimes have oddball video games.
I also tend to lose my cool and never get physical but yeah get dramatic. Taking away toys is a premium strategy and I have often said "You will never see motorized Thomas again. He goes in the trash!" and then fake toss him in the garbage like you fake out a dog playing fetch. I did once smash some plastic happy meal toy because the kids were going apeshit over how (even though they each had the same one) the others was better. I also once popped a balloon they were fighting over because fuck be QUIET!

This is where I have I love my kids and they do wonderful in school. My son began kindergarten and all the teachers are "He is so great. He always listen to directions the first time and is so sweet" Well I am glad he is good at school because he is a pain in the ass at home. I would be mortified it is was the other way around, however.

Nothing gets me into a major angry dad yelling mode than the "Kitty Cat Game." It is the only thing outright banned in our house. I rather my kids smoke a pack of  cigarettes and cat call people in the street then play the "Kitty Cat Game." Would you kids rather play Russian Roulette? Or Desert Bus?

What is the "Kitty Cat Game?"

Well it starts as roleplaying where my kids get on all fours and pretend to be kittens. It always begins 'Oh, Im a little kitty! A little baby kitten" and then drop down (regardless of the flooring. I don't know how they have not busted knee caps Kyrie Irving style yet) and start to mewl and meow. And its pretty damn convincing. My son does a purr meow combo that i want to sell to a foley mixing studio but I pretty sure they got cats covered.

This then proceeds to the kittens either need to play or get in trouble. Both end in tears and yelling.

The Play Option is...the kittens roll balls and find "yarn" (usually a toy. Oddly enough Paw Patrol vehicles are top choices) and whip them around the floor. The kittens start playing in their own corners but slowly gravitate towards each other until they are in middle of the floor and then "accidentally" the toys get mixed up and the kids/kittens outright brawl for it. Oh, the brawl begins innocently. "That is my toy pretend ball of yarn! Wah! Meow! Hiss. Im going to jump on your back!" Which is what a cat would do (Save for the talking) but then it becomes a tangle of toddler arms and legs.

The Trouble Option....the kittens go on an adventure! We need to go to Grandpa's House. And as soon as they start..."Oh no. We fell into a mine" or "A scary bear has trapped us" and the kittens are frozen in fear save that one kid rolls into the other (For comfort you see) and it then becomes a God damn brawl. The peril can go on for a bit and even when we, as parents intervene, (Don't worry kittens. Daddy will save you from the mine) they just get right back into trouble. "Thanks for saving us from the mine, Daddy! Kittens are back on the road to Grandpa's! Meow meow...oh no fell into the mine again!" So it can take a while for it to build to a climax.

This makes it sound very BDSM and i think my son's peril fascination is due to this but then I remember feeling certain ways in certain scenes of Sailor Moon and I am aghast at the Hundred Years of Solitude sense of how families can never escape themselves. We are doomed to become our parents. My son also likes earthquakes and disaster news coverage so it could also be much more technical in terms of its mischief level. Rescue 911 was one of my favorites shows as a child.

All the brawls end the same with me or the wife needing to separate the mass of toddlers. My son likes to bite (Is this part of the cat game as well?) but he only bites us (Again the "good at school" phenomenon) and all my kids love the passive aggressive jab of "I don't like you anymore. You are not my friend." I really wish sometimes my kids would just call me "stupid" because that kind of verbiage makes me wonder if they are growing to grow up to be little master manipulators. I don't want my kids to be Ben Linus from Lost.

It really is a form of ritualized combat but I am not having any of it. No one is crowned king or queen after it ends.  I rather them say "Daddy, can we go beat the hell out of each other with sticks in the backyard?" then engage in the "Kitty Cat Game"

 Every August I have these stretches where i get 12 hours of sleep in a 4 day span and we are in the thick of it. To stay awake I drink a lot of water (An old '"Indian" trick as I was told by a girl I knew in high school) and listen to music since I am past the point where caffeine has any effect on me beyond the Pavlovian need to drink it.

Sheepishly I heard a song on a mix that really got me jazzed. It sounded so damn true. WTF is this song?! And then I saw an ad for the new Mission Impossible movie and I was "Oh yeah it has that pseudo tense percussion! Did they make this for the movie? WHO IS IT"

It's Imagine Dragons...🤷 Friction to be specific from an album called Smoke and Mirrors that came out 3 years ago. I could swear it was made specifically for this movie.

Hey, I ain't throwing no shade. If/when I sign I sound like a series of metal bowls spinning on the floor of an haunted asbestos mine. And...hey they make hits and pay the bills. One of my favorite bands is Linkin Park and in college I did not like being chided by all the hippies and hipsters in town over their phony sound. That is great you love zydeco and blue grass but not so much for me.

But...it was a surprise. Like those commercials where they are "This coffee must be gourmet!" and then they pull back the curtain and they say "You think that but its actually Walgreen's brand Nice! Breakfast Blend" Well...you got me indeed.

Any Key

My job (and I know I said I would not talk about work but this is harmless) often involves having to explain to people "technology." And it reminds me of an adage someone I worked with (Well it was a client but whatever) said..

"All it takes to be an expert is knowing more than your audience"

So then I'm the specialist albeit internally I am "Huh!?"

One thing is that the word "technology" as short hand for anything "computer" irks me. A spear used to hit a wooly mammoth is technology. But most people also aren't maniacs who blog so I get it. Its also trifling and petty. Like those people who say "Well we are not really a democracy. We are a republic." Yes, I get it John Birch Society person! You know what I mean.

Anyway this often finds me having to describe things in an easy to understand way. For example, my father in law (and no I don't work with/for him. I know I started with the work thing but bear with me) asked me to explain what "Twitter" is. And that is a tricky one. He once asked me to explain what a podcast was and I said it was like  pay per view radio show. And that worked!

For Twitter I stuck with the radio motif and said "It is like hitting scan on the radio console. You get a tiny taste of everything. But you can set your scan to hear only those stations you want and those stations sometimes play music other stations played. Like station 1 says 'Hey check out what station 3 played!' so they play it also. And its always going"

And damn that seemed to work!
.

Old Telephone

My mom has saying when something is very dark. Or dirty like a really grimy greasy thing. She will say...

"That things is blacker than an old telephone"

I used to think it was because all the old rotary phones in old time PR were that shiny black color. Like the kind of black that Felix the Cat is. Does anyone remember or ever hear of Felix the Cat?
But I realized it is because those phones are all grimy and covered in years of sweat and skin caking onto the cradle and receiver. Like it is probably white underneath but it is black now an taking a simple rag to it will cut a streak down the middle. Like people will be "Holy shit. This stuff really cleans. Thank you, Magic Erarser! Fuck you, you filthy damn old telephone!"

My mother also has certain English words she uses in Spanish conversations. For about 20 years I honest to good thought that when she said something was dirty she was actually saying "This thing is guilty!"

Like it is so damn dirty that it needs to go to court.

But no...it is a guttural mispronunciation. of "Filthy"

Why she chooses to say this instead of something in Spanish is beyond me but it is part of her lexicon.

How To Breathe Underwater

Around the summer of 2008 and into the first half of 2009 I seriously looked into joining the armed forces. Like a lot people at that time, I was unemployed so I can't say it was 100% stars and bars but I have maybe only 3 major regrets in life and not serving my country (In some capacity. Maybe Foreign Service?) is one of them. The fact I got to muddle all this while hanging out and playing emulated ROMs of Pokemon is testament to all those who have served. 

I had narrowed it down to either Army or the Coast Guard. I thought that because I had a college degree that maybe I could go down more of an officer path but that is based on pretty much nothing but guessing. 

None of this came to bear fruit but I remember on the Coast Guard recruiting page in the FAQ that there was a legit question (A frequently asked one!) that was "Do I have to know how to swim?"

I can imagine all the variables. Did this person not read the sign? Was the boat on the web page or recruiting center something so foreign, so alien, like Spanish ships breaking the horizon of Hispañola in 1492, that they could not fathom it? Or did they have huge stones. Like, "Whats the big deal if I don't know how to swim. I will out hustle all of y'all." Is it a prank that happened so much that someone had to begrudgingly put it up there on the website? Does the Coast Guard want people that ask that? Can someone say "Eh, a little" 

Recruiter: Son you know how to swim, yes?

Guy: Eh...a little.

Recruiter: A little?

Guy: Yeah, like it depends. Play it by ear.

Or is it like the "Contents may be hot" warning

Trainer: Ok, everyone lets get in the pool to test our survival skills

Guy: Woah, woah. No one said anything about swimming.

Trainer: ...I think it is obvious in the name

Guy: That could mean a lot of things. How am I supposed to know. 

Trainer: Ok, then you are fired

Guy: No, you will be hearing from my attorney. 

In writing this blog I had to look and it is still there! 

Some Prose-Summer

This is inspired by a Tweet I sent earlier in the summer of 2018.

Summer is my favorite season. Many will claim to like fall because we have done a great job of coalescing sweater weather lovers online. Some will say winter because of sleds and snow but I feel it is really because of Christmas (ie stuff) or just to be iconoclastic. I think no one cares about spring, which is sad but it is certainly the number 4 in my seasonal ranking.

Summer embodies life and means food and growth. When we lionize fall and winter we are lionizing seasons of fall and death. Hence, why my earlier point that its too bad spring gets such a minor role. It is rebirth! The Phoenix coming from the fire. But, does anyone care about spring?

Summer is my favorite season because professionally it has always been a difficult one. In my previous work it meant smoldering in a warehouse. In my current work it is beyond the wall busy, a frantic rush where we are both making the rug and yanking it out from underneath us. This has made me appreciate my favorite summer feeling which is standing in or by a yard with tall unkempt grass. The sun is high and the heat baking and dry so that you can feel the distinct layers of clothes on you. Your socks peeling away from your shoes in the heat. And there is a snicker-snack cadence of bugs zipping through the high grass and chirping. Maybe the long, shrill blast of an annual cicada. A feeling of teeth in the grass that can slink up and then go back to ground when they realize how stifling the heat really is. And I feel this sometimes from my car, the windows rolled down and the broken AC blasting hot air because I still run the fan. Or I will feel it on foot and get closer to the whole scene. That little scene, often quite suburban and easily shattered by a passing car or overhead jet, epitomizes summer. The only thing better would be if the sky behind me is that scary blue-black bruise color. A thunderstorm also brimming and ready to unwind in a single snap.

Another Internet Paw Patrol Rant

My daughter loves Paw Patrol. Being younger than her brother she has had to endure many of his decisions and he often has the bully pulpit on what we watch and do. So she doesn't get to pick much even when we intervene but Paw Patrol has always been steady. Like my son for Thomas the Tank Engine it is all encompassing. Sets on sets on sets.

I have been around the Parent's Internet and noticed many funny asides on Paw Patrol.

What is the deal with Ryder?
Where is Ryder's family?
How are the funded?
Can't anyone in Adventure Bay help themselves?!
WHO PICKS UP THEIR POOP!?

Watching a recent episode I had an epiphany that Ryder, the shows 10 year old human boy protagonist, is not some kindly do-gooder. Instead he is a straight up micromanaging martinet. The dogs have all this gear and smarts (They are dogs that can talk and operate cars!) and yet he is always the one giving orders down to such a granular level that the dogs are just vectors. I know he gives his little mission briefing in every episode but this is different. This isn't "Oh, we got a water rescue so I need my amphibious guys like Zuma and even Rocky has a boat rig now" No, it is down to the sub atomic level fussy.

"Everest, use your snowboard to save the penguin!"
Ok, what else is she going to use? Her unicycle? Would she, or any of the other 6 Pups, just let it die?

"Marshall, use your hydro jet to attach this tracker to the Air Patroller!"
Ok, so...1) That silly. Have Skye FLY IT UP THERE! and 2) Maybe if you weren't busy bossing them around your crew could figure that out?

"Zuma, use your buoy to save that kitten from the bay!"
Arf arf arf! Oh ok... I was going to use my anvil to help it sink faster!

Considering Paw Patrol is Adventure Bay's only problem solvers you think Ryder would want to make it less centralized. What happens if he leaves? Grows up? The pups have been set up to fail by not knowing how to do anything.

Back, Again!

 I have returned? What is different this time? Well, Twitter happened and I love Twitter. The President of the United States loves Twitter so why not me? I understand it is all just one giant swamp of comment section digitally ramming into another toxic comment section but do I love it so. And the thrill from those likes. Even just 2 makes me high five the nearest person which is usually a cat. I have been unsuccessful in training my cats to high five btw.

So, I wanted someplace to type longer pieces since I am verbose and suck at making Twitter threads.

If you have been here before then mostly the same save for a few changes:

• I changed jobs and while I often talked about my old one I will not about my current one. Don't worry its not top secret or anything but learned some lessons along the way. I work at a public school. Maybe I may mention a favorite teachers but all good and sealed away. I practice my work rants in the car driving back home so the people in the car next to me can look at me and say "That's a winner!"
• I am less concerned about the tags and links than before. With time I can clean up some more.
• No more or very little fiction writing. While I still express myself every day through writing and those lessons helped (Continue to influence me) I never had much success or the discipline to push through. I got old and fat(ter) and married and had kids and then couldn't prioritize the scribbling.
• Maybe a bit of written asides or poetry. Crappy poetry of course but wouldn't that be neat. Whenever I think of poems I think of a girl I had a creative writing class with who wrote that she as going through a break up and that "her skin could not heal. Like the wet grass it is whole but makes for divots with even the lightest pressure." It was better in college and yay for poetry and quick little writes.
• I'll try to be funny
• It will be random. You like bloviating on writing on post, then a mom joke, then something about the Magic the Gathering? Oh we got you! 

I am sorry if your read something in the archives and think "Man, what a jabroni!" I am not going to delete them so go nuts and if you find something that makes you wonder please call me out. 

That is it! Enjoy

A note

I enjoy my job and the people I work with. That feels funny to say nowadays akin to "Hey, things ain't so bad!" but its the truth. Not there are situations or people that make me bonkers but there is no feeling of being trapped. Or playing against the people you work with or for. I spent 5 years at a place where we trying to outsmart the board and it took its toll.

That said, when I have a metaphorically kick in the balls day at work I like to look at a random thank you note I got one day that I have printed on my desk. 

Some background...

As part of my job I have to archive PTO. Not approve it but keep track of everyone's. When someone runs out the company allows other employees to donate days. That runs through me because I have to track all of this on various spreadsheets. We had one employee who ran out of days and I donated a few. As part of this I must inform people of the donation and sometimes the donor wants the grantee to know. So "Hey Cathy with a C, Kathy with a K gave you two PTO days! Hooray for Kathy with a K!"

In my case I did not want to be all "Oh hey, I donated some days to you" because that is awkward and see earlier post of the crippling terror I have in physically talking to anyone. It is why I blog instead. So let the employee know and time went by. THen she took a day and I let her know, "Don't worry. You had those PTO donations"

The employee replied...


I meant to ask you to send forward this message to the mysterious people but then forgot....can you do it now? 



To you wonderful mysterious people 😏, 

  Thanks for being awesome and thinking about my family and me! These extra PTO days bring a sense of calmness if I need to take a day off. I am so lucky to have people who care enough to reach out and donate days for me. I am truly blessed to have you in my life and am grateful to work with you. 

It emboldened my heart and I recall that whenever there is a bad day

Ever notice in a montage?

Just saw an episode of MLP:FIM with the kid where Rainbow Dash goes to a Daring Do convention and meets another super fan. Daring Do is there version of Harry Potter with a lot more Indiana Jones than magic but the author is AK Yearling so the gag carries it through.

There is a montage where RB hangs with the other Super fan and they become fast friends. In a quick bit they look at some merchandise and one is a pillow with a picture of a tied up Daring Do all bound and helpless on the ground. Its a cartoon so imagine what all those damsels Snidely Whiplash would tie up and you get the picture. At seeing this RB is uncomfortable and backs away with the other Super fan.

Did MLP just make a self referential gag about the sheer amount of saucy slash/ryona fan fiction? Cause it sure looks like it!

The episode has lots of other meta tags like how the super fan hates everything after the 3rd series. Or the cosplay that ranges from bad to so good it factors into the plot. So why not? Creators going deep on this.

Dichotomy

The island of Sodor suffers from "Springfield USA" syndrome in which it is both a backwater and the most happening place ever!

Lame: No one knows Sodor engines!
Happening: Get off the rails it is Thomas the Tank Engine, heavy on Topham Hatt's crew!

Lame: Such quaint trains. My bus will replace them all!
Happening: We got steam! We got wide, narrow, and miniature gauge rails. We got like 4 main lines. A buried pirate ship!

Lame: Oh the Duke and Duchess are coming here to summer. How nice.
Happening: We have an active dinosaur dig AND mining in the same spot. We got farms and heavy industry (smelter's yard). A chocolate factory, zoo, aquarium and cliffs, rivers, beaches, and cities

Lame: So quiet here
Happening: Disaster every damn second! Confusion and delay!

End of the day

At the end of a long day I can't wait to get home and pound  a can of fizzy water. I have become addicted to the bubbly water and while I would love to drink LA Croix all day, everyday, I'll drink whatever.

I realize this makes me super white and suburban but I can't help myself.

It's like contraband at work as well. Put it out and catch a teacher. Put out a salted caramel Kcup and you have a whole grade!

All this makes me feel like I am in the beginning of Fight Club to be significantly woke. You're not your ducking canned sparkling water....until you are.

Sqaurepants

My son has now entered a Spongebob  Square pants loving phase and I'm not sure how to handle it. I never really watched the show as it was the Nicktoon after I stopped watching and before Nicktoon stopped meaning something. It's always been there and it seem so disjointed. I wonder why can they fry Krabby Patties and have fires under the sea? At least it's not Caillou. Or tentacle porn.

Wrote this from my phone. What would have been if I had this as a younger man.