Its so easy to shit on Linkin Park even during their heyday. Way too many an awful early Youtube animated music video was set to their music. Anime weeb fiends and girls with blue hair that rang around in cloaks liked Linkin Park. This was the glee club without the shows and recitals. These are people who grew up into 40 somethings who hopefully GOT the point of Fight Club, but probably didn't.
Their first few albums always focused songs on some mysterious and overbearing "you" that was impossible to ID but also became a sort of everyman trouble. Recently the Trump re-election campaign set an ad to "In the End" and the band and most fans were aghast. Like, did those dicks ever listen to a Linkin Park song? I doubt they would back anything GOP. But, its an LP song. It is MADE to be layered over something.
But, that said I un-ironically ADORE Linkin Park and when I heard Chester Bennington died I broke a long standing "don't post on FB" rule to pour out just how I felt.
When Meteora, their second album came out, I skipped Intro to Art History 1 class * to walk the three miles to the local Barnes and Nobles to buy it. And listen all the way back needing to swap out for the fresh AA batteries I brought.
That is a Linkin Park memory...walking. My first ever Linkin Park album was (appropriately so) a remix album I bought at this oddball record store (La Casa de los Tapes or House of Tapes) which was tucked away into the back corner of a Sears appliance store. And I had to have what was playing over the store's stereo which was the Reanimation album. It even has this goofy mech on the cover! They made this in a lab for me!
This song has it all. A remix. A cinematic bombast. Those strings and kick off crooning. And I must have listened to it a dozen times walking back home from that record store. Only album I ever bought twice because I had to have this when I got my car (some nine years after its release) and it has a CD player.
*Where I sat behind a very cute girl named Sivam who I almost went on a date with but I at the same time just started dating the person who would become my wife. This was the one and only time that I had such aplomb with the ladies
Listening to 311 makes me realize I am old. If the crappy back and morning cocktail of pills didn't already do it consider that the album Jack-O-Latern's Weather comes from is pushing 30 years but i began listening with the early 00's Evolver and NOW 311 is a kind of lifestyle Jimmy Buffet style band. I mean there are 311 cruises, beers, and vape mixes. So now it is this oddball party band that seems attractive to the North Florida people Jack Donagahy could never figure out on 30 Rock. And during my listening heyday it was a sort of mainstream stoner band which was odd considering my straight edge tendencies. All that said I never felt like I was allowed to be fan even when this band was in its heyday.
But that sound especially from the earlier albums like the "blue" one. Rap and rock and this very quirky Nebraska reference with a surfer vibe.
Jack-O-Lantern's Weather? Well, that is a walking sound. It is a younger me stomping down some grey chilly street in New York state. Go stomping around in Jack-O-Lanterns' weather. I didn't have a car until the age of 25 so my friends called me the "ultimate pedestrian" And, this was the walking song with your backpack on and Discman jamming
Hey, I try to sound smart in these posts. But, really can't say anything that hasn't been said about Beastie Boys in 40 something years of their music. Except that i am brave enough to say that while yes Paul's Boutique is their best album I ADORED Hello Nasty and the premiere single from it, Intergalactic. The humor and elaborate rhymes which all seemed just for the sake of being. They did this because they could and unlike the Youtube scene to come years later it somehow wasn't grating, cloying, or destructive.
Still an amazing video that checked a lot of my person buttons. I remember making bootleg tape recordings of this album for my friends from the single CD in our group that I oh so happened to own.
The band made a remix of Body Movin, also from the same album, and it was 1) by Fatboy Slim and parodied Diabolik, a 60s Italian crime movie which WAS the final movie parodied on the original MST3K! Like this album was made for me.
Goodness do I love myself some throw away girly pop. Because I am man of honor I stopped listening to Ke$ha once I learned the conditions under which she was forced to record "Your Love is My Drug"* but Demi Lovato is my girl.
And, double goodness is this song super cringey even if I wasn't an overweight guy on the Internet. Like, guys, I'm getting a bit flustered and its not because of this song's pure power. Make me wanna wash my hair and bounce them like a basketball. I think you can hear the teeth grinding over the modem.
This song evokes a certain memory of playing Batman: Arkham City. Stick with me, ok? I mean you are reading this blog so you have to be patient. All those Arkham games have this rhythm style combat where you need to mash buttons at certain times and in combinations to dodge attacks and counter enemies. The more you do this the faster the combat goes but the harder you hit. Its tricky to describe without experiencing it but it is immensely satisfying to chain a series of successful inputs into breaking 40 guys in half. And Demi's Heart Attack was in the background the first (and only time) I ever got a 50 combo, a frustrating achievement to secure (at least for me. I am sure i will get bombed by "Get good" comments**) but memorable. And considering this song has a build up into a drop I can imagine it being Batman's boot dropping right into someone's jaw at that moment.
*Would be Y in the ABC. If that dissapoints you (and it does me, to be honest) then remember she was literally tortured during that time of her life And the guy got away with it!
**Or not considering the sole Ukrainian national who reads this may be a real nice guy who says "Great job" But, you know, in Ukrainian.
Write out La Oreja de Van Gogh's Geografia's lyrics and well its going to hurt. Especially if you translate them into English. Major cringe factor akin to that time in the 90s when commercials and shows THOUGHT they knew what rapping meant and had everyone try and spit fire.
I had never seen the vidoe before this and it also makes no sense. For a song that is all about intimacy, its folks having a big jazzy street jam.
I shouldn't be so derisive. I like this song! The lyrics are quite poetic but typing them out...trust me they sound better in Spanish. I mean...
I would like to start a country with you. So words like motherland, flag, nation, border, race or destiny would make sense to me
OR
I would love if our country had, a huge arsenal of cuddles under the sea
OR
Give me your hand so we can take this boat celebrating with a kiss the day that is today
Written out like that they are anime ending song lyrics that make no sense. Cringe factor 100%. Once, I tried to flirt with a girl by asking what color her underwear was and I didn't cringe as much then. Really feel it in your stomach as it falls out.
It sounds better for sure. Don't let any this discourage you from giving a list And even if you can't speak Spanish there is a neat spicy guitar.
No one reads these posts but based on the few metrics I have seen I can tell they are either somewhere in the US and/or Ukraine. I am going to be they may not be a Spanish speaker albeit that is quite an assumption considering how common its in the US. And what do I know about Ukraine?
But, I like to think that anyone reading this assumes any Spanish tracks I have are super deep obscure cuts. Stuff you need to listen to while sitting pointing in a westward direction. And not the "rock en español" version of Aerosmith's Crazy.
This song dropped like a bomb in late elementary school with the bluesy twang and lyrical jamming.
By now, it is fairly quaint and schmaltzy, something your parents listened to. In my case it was my paternal grandfather trying to mimic the chorus but in a low awkward echo. Imagine a 70 year old woman just repeating the words of your favorite song 4 solid seconds after the singer has sung. That was La Flaca by Jarabe de Palo.
Did you think I have taste? I am a guy who writes a blog no one reads where I elaborate on the shoulder fins of mecha and talk about Nic Cage's Firebirds for fun. A favorite food of mine was tacos de sal which is where I would heat up a flour tortilla in a pan with butter and salt. I only stopped because my doctor told me it was hell for my A1C not because I became suddenly that much more erudite.
All that said, here is a cover song which I enjoy much more than the original. Lorde's cover of Tear for Fear's Everybody Rules the World just has that cinematic feel to it. Could this song be a trailer to something? Could it play as you walk into some big work meeting right in front of the board of directors. Does a beat drop before some big boom? Put that right into my ears, please!
No slander to the original which endures for good reasons beyond it is a great song to jam into any villain reveal. These sound like totally different songs with very different feels. The OG one is a court jester poking fun and tilting the king while the Lorde version is actually leading the king to the guillotine
And I much prefer Pale Shelter by Tears for Fears anyway, which could have been P in the ABC but just blew my shot right here, right now.
Libraries re-opened recently so I got the fourth book and the work keeps on going.
***Spoilers down below***
I appreciate that this book begins with something that isn't Harry at the Durnsleys. We are four books in and we are doing something different beyond re-hashing the start. That scene does make Voldemort seem appropriately sinister where to me, the aforementioned four books in, he has come off as kind of a big nothing.
Oh well second chapter keeps the tradition going so nevermind.
I think it is silly that Harry never gave the Weasleys some kind of money considering he is loaded. I know we get a throw away line that "they would never accept it" but doesn't feel earned or truthful.
In the absence of Voldemort is there any evil in the Wizard World. Beyond being a villain he seems to be THE SOURCE of all conflict in the magical world. Like if Voldemort never existed the biggest villains would be Draco's sneer and like the pranks of the Weasley bros?
I enjoyed the spat between Harry and Ron over Ron's very legitimate feelings of being overlooked. I think his own mother loves Harry more so yeah I would be a bit peeved. Sure, should have listened to your pal and assume he is being truthful but don't blame you for feeling raw about those, my boy Ron.
Four books in I care very little about Harry but want more and more of this world. The other Wizarding schools. The cup. The interactions with the Muggle word. With that said, I really liked Cedric Diggory what with his nobility and good lucks and acumen. So, of course he fucking dies. Some serious Duncan Idaho from Dune vibes right there save they brought Idaho back from the dead in Dune because why not bring back the charming, sexy, talented guy? Man, that irks me. But, at least he gets a decent send off. An office crush told me once I should be sorted in Hufflepuff and maybe I should have because feel so bad for this short lived hero.
On that, I appreciate how that house gets a bit more elaboration but what does Ravenclaw do? And their logo is an eagle!? BUT THE NAME RAVEN IS RIGHT THERE!
This books is way too long even with the above stated. It picks up with the Voldemort reveal scene, which DOES feel very earned and foreboding.
I will admit skimming the inevitable villain exposition at the end because these are some complicated 9th degree 3D chess convolutions and the get foiled because Harry is lucky. There are several deus ex machinas here. The one with Harry in the duel is lovely as he coaxes the ghosts of eveyrone Voldermort has killed to protect him but HE DOESN'T DO ANYTHING! It just happens....because it needs to happen! Then the reason is a quirk in wand design. Not because he is pure of heart but because of WAND DESIGN. At least pure of heart would jive better with the epic quest aspect.
The Moody/Barty Crouch sub villain plot is also a Byzantine pretzel of "umm...oks." At first I thought it was going to be this kind of Starscream inspired plot where a henchmen kills the hero to get the one up on the main villain (For a Star Wars analogy kind of like Darth Maul to Vader in all the recent canon) but instead it was all part of the plan! As well!
The last chapter is called "The Beginning." How many more of these books are there?
Knowing that the senior Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle families are indeed evil are their kids also evil? Because at the end if it is pretty frank Draco is saying Harry is going to die now that Voldemort is back.
Reading this book 20 years after its initial printing none of these questions are new or fresh and yeah it would have been fun to argue over these in 10th grade. THis is me putting to paper my first sense of FOMO for not catching the bug earlier combined with the fact JK Rowling has transfigured into an insane toxic monster. At least, I was on the Dune train WAY back when before the movie comes out in December. If it does, that is. Here comes more FOMO
As you read these you will notice much of the choice center around transportation. And reveries set to these little soundtracks. I rarely want to be where I actually am. These jams make everything feel that much more heroic or, at minimum, satisfying. And Disintegration, particularly the instrumental crescendo around 4 minutes in, is pure daydream centered around my "women with swords" penchant. I once told someone (at a much younger and dumber age) that I sometimes fantasized about her fighting others in our share sphere and she responded "That's Ok. I know I kick a lot of ass in them." Bullet dodged and nothing beyond that mere exchange but this is that jam. Note this song is far from it. Its about drugs, addiction, and a broken relationship bust listen to it and imagine yourself stepping into any errand or meeting ready to absolutely win.
To wrap up...this whole bit could be mostly Jimmy Eat World songs but this is the one. And its a fairly "deep track" of their considering it is one random EP record from the mid 00s. The song got played on a One Tree Hill episode which is a show, like my attempt at veganism, I tried to watch to impress a girl, but when you hear it people will often say "Oh, like on OTH!" And if you only knowm Jimmy Eat World from "The Middle" then too bad for you. That song is awful and means nothing, which makes sense why it became such a hit.
Don't know enough about "rock en español" to compare Cafe TaCvba (Not a typo. It is like the U in Chvrches, another neat band. Name is pronounced Cafe TA Cuba) but they have been around forever and changed their sound. Re, the album El Ciclon is on, is the Fleetwod Mac's Rumors of the "rock en español." Every kid had it and every song is a banger. El ciclon is not as manic as others but it has that great nasal rap chord jam and poetic lyrics in which the assert God is female something I never noticed until this re-listen.
What does this remind me of? These seemingly enter summer long weekend trips to family friends in Guanica, a sleep town in an already drowsy part of the island best known for being the point where the US invaded in 1898 Spanish-American War.* At this point the island's edge loops and pits into endless rocky crags and isolated peninsulas surrounded by mangroves and dry rain forest. Here was Gloria's house with the huge indoor courtyard landscaped with hills and snake plants. She was later murdered, found stuffed in a bag miles away. And also Playa Santa where at the end of the bay someone had mounted a concrete Virgin Marry statute into a rocky alcove. Edi and Mundito's house where they kept the washing machine outside and had a pomegranate tree. The third Die Hard movie and Batman Forever.
*This make it sounds MUCH more involved then it actually was. More happened in the background of wherever you are reading this post than what happened in Puerto Rico during the Spanish American War.
I am beyond sorry but it has to be Baby Got Back by Sir Mix A Lot. Only true lewd song on here. But it was beyond impressive if in the 6th grade if you knew EVERY damn word to this song and yes, your boy here got there. It almost topped Gangsta Paradise. Something I repeated in high school with Clint Eastwood by Gorillaz.
This song once came on the car radio and both kids in the back screamed it was a nasty song. "ITS ABOUT BUTTS!? WHAT?!"
Every so often something will go viral on Twitter where you need to share some sort of cryptic album.
Show your favorite albums from the year you turned 18
In one gif describe the perfect movie
With one image describe your childhood crush
I am a sucker for these because I have a a deep desire to connect with folks, which is quite counter to my introverted nature. But, engage from a distance like the 240 characters of Twitter. Or a reply chain in the workplace Slack. Actually, talk to someone in person?! Oh, I am not that brave.
Ill answer those online surveys but like much on Twitter I am shouting into a void. Pornbots don't read and if you don't get likes does it exists? Beyond being something incriminating later for a potential employer to find.
"Im sorry, you said that you unironically liked Smash Mouth in 1998. That is not Hexaco material. Sorry"
Its all kind of boring. Which is why i type on the blog. Biggest fear is someone will find this and say "Hey, it is that guy from college! Or work! Look at this shit he typed!"
But, its all boring. Some colleague will find it and decide they could spend their time better reading a Buzzfeed listicle.
It exists for the record so here is a longer meme on songs/bands you like. One for every letter in your name, but made longer. One for every letter in the alphabet because I need content. Maybe this series will help you profess your deep seeded love for me? Or galvanize your disdain? These are hate reads, right? Or, give you something to read while sipping coffee.
I haven't listened to much Weird Al in the last 20 years but from about 6th to 9th grade, damn was he my jam. Like, I knew the words to Albuquerque from Bad Hair Day and The Night Santa Went Crazy.
I bet kids no longer do this (or maybe it was isolated to my little slice of 6th grade) but what gave you major cred was knowing the lyrics to songs. If you had liner notes from a CD then you were invited to all the parties!*
If you knew the words to Coolio's Gangsta Paradise then you were a god. There were other songs that could get you there but few things could top that. If at all.
I had a rich friend in the 6th grade who stood up in the middle of homeroom and declared that for his birthday he would take everyone in the grade to El Conquistador, a huge resort in Fajardo on the other side of the island. And he would take everyone in a fleet of limos.
When this hit the 6th grade coconut line and everyone told their moms that "hey this was happening and yo, where is my swimsuit?"
The following day, this friend, well he had to walk that back and say he could only take a few friends but, hey, I was one! And we listened to a tape of Gangsta's Paradise endlessly for the one hour drive there. So, effectively rewinding track 1 of the Dangerous Minds soundtrack.
I could never get to that level but I memorized all the words to Amish Paradise which didn't impress anyone until the intern at my warehouse job became the new manager and he was also a Weird Al fanatic. But, a true one that still goes to concerts. More power to him.
*The Ace of Base song The Sign caused a war in the 6th grade with the debate of whether it was The Sign or The Sun. No one had the liner notes. And we had some LOADED people at the school. "The name of the song is...The Sign," once said a coworker to me upon telling them this story. 'Didn't you guys realize that from the title?" It was a simpler time.
Holy shit why didn't anyone tell me this group existed?! I only learned about them in the summer of 2020 when everything was going to shit and this came on the Sirius alternative station.
There is not one single bad verse or rhyme. Pure blue cold fire. There are just two human beings in their 40s just producing scintillating energy. Their rhymes are like excellent movies. Something you can listen to and hear something new each time. A new scratch. A different inflection in the rhyme. It is the Into The Spiderverse of rap music. It cannot be in the background while you just mindlessly file papers or play Halo or NBA 2K.
My favorite is Walking in the Snow which I think perfectly condenses their engaging hooks and elaborate rhymes combined with collaboration and production values. If, like me, you discovered them in 2020 then it is the sound of moment. Also, how incredibly badass is the line "Just got done walking in the snow, goddamn that mother fucker cold"
Dear readers, you know I am going to try and jam this into a work email or something.
"Hey guys I just got done walking in the snow
Oh geeze this guy must be cold
Hey yo you in the wrong mode if you think
you can get paid with no PO
This whole world is set by masters far removed
So don't feel bad when you come back used"
Oh and that logo with the one fist making the gun and the other making the hand (supposeldy clenching a chain)? Yo, put that on the front of a shield because I will go to battle with that as my crest.
Along the shale river rock of a Great Lake stream, I marveled when i saw a humble suttuer and grate into a hole in the ground. Dont they live in hives? A notch in a tree?
No, apparently not. They burrow.
I am glad I witnessed this for it prepared me to find bumblebees in my basement. Drowning themselves in the spare bathrooms toilet. Or turning into husks as they try to head butt through the window blocks.
Where are they coming from? The dryer exhaust? The PVC ventilation for the furnace? Or its a crack in the foundation. On my neighbors side where they edge everyday for stark lines against their opponents driveway.
Its unnerving seeing a dead bumblebee in my basement by the derby trophy and stack of Inquest magazines. Its the whale and bowl of flowers from Hitchhiker's Guide. How did it get here? It has to be a sad story.
On a lark I got a trial subscription to Quibi, the wonky perpetually doomed phone only streaming service. You only need a casual glance through the news to find all the foibles with Quibi most pointedly a Vulture piece. The one thing I will add is that whatever Quibi is/was (If maybe you are reading this in the future. OR THE PAST?! HOW DOES THAT WORK) it was made be people who never heard the word no. This fills no gap in the media landscape so unless you appreciate the sheer novelty (or love Reno 911!) I do not suggest going past the two weeks of your trial.
Sometimes restrictions breed creativity. I imagine the little 10 minute segment and scheduled cuts and "just your phone format" could make for some neat ideas. If anyone does that on Quibi I haven't found it yet. Instead these all feel like the kind of shows OTHER shows would make up to parody. Imagine if someone made the movies from the fake trailers in Tropic Thunder but then the chopped up into 10 minute segments you can only see on your phone!
I didn't watch every show on Quibi (I only had 14 days) but here are my hot takes on what I tried
50 States of Fright
This is a big one. 50 stories, one from each state about a chilling terror tale. That has some potential. Mothman for West Virginia! Jersey Devil for NJ. Some cowboy and natives stuff for Texas and Oklahoma. And, first episode of it is directed by Sam Raimi! One thing about Quibi is they GOT some big names.
And, its pretty much just the same sort of stuff you see on dramatic recreations on Unsolved Mysteries. Generic urban ghost story stuff. First one is a Michigan story and nothing of it to me feels representative of Michigan. Hell, It Follows is set in Detroit and that FEELS more Michigan and Great Lakes then this.
Now, this story is broken up into three 10 minute episodes. So The Golden Arm Part 1. Golden Arm Part 2, etc.
WHY CANT THIS JUST BE ONE 30 MINUTE SHOW!? THEY JUST TOOK A MINI MOVIE AND BROKE IT INTO 3 PIECES FOR MAXIMUM QUIBI EFFECT!
That's some BS Quibi. Its like when Panera folds over your piece of turkey over 20 times so it looks like hot damn I am getting this massive club sandwich but no it is just one piece folder over enough times to double as a ladder!
Agua Donkeys
Quibi describes this show as deadpan. Which is code for "not funny." Skip this. The premise is also bonkers as this shitty tiny pool some how merits enough staff for attempts at an Office style shtick.
Vox Answered
Oh, cmon! These are just those short "Now This" videos you see on Facebook or Twitter except there are no words so you can read it while pooping in the stall at work. That way no one knows you are watching videos while pooping on company time. The one I saw was "Why Am I Seeing More Rats?" I feel dumber for watching this.
60 in 6
There was a time when 60 Minutes was must see TV for me. Note that was also a time when all I had a was 13 inch TV and a so basic it should be called primitive cable connection that just got me 12 channel and then History and AE illegally and with wonky Max Headroom distortion. But, I love that intro
I''m Lesley Stahl
I'm Morley Shaffer
I'm Anderson Cooper on Assignment
This and Andy Rooney on 60 Minutes
You would watch it just for Andy and his original master ranter
That is what Quibi needs. Just stream those Andy Rooney bits. I would PAY for that
This show? Its shortened versions of what would make for larger and better true 60 Minutes bits. Fine, but we would benefit from taking MORE time with news
Flipped
This one is OK. Kaitlin Olson and Will Forte are failed narcissists who end up remodeling houses for a drug cartel.It has a Triangle Waist and Shirt Coat Factory fire joke! Children of the fire! Even passable nothing in the Quibi format lends any strengths to this. Make a couple of 30 minute episodes! Then its just an OK show as the least smelly turd on Quibi
Memory Hole
Ok, this one I liked but its checks a lot of boxes for me.
Will Arnett hosts it and I appreciate how he has committed to just channeling Gob Bluth 24/7 now.
Pokes fun at old and obscure pop culture. For someone who has very early Internet memories around SeanBaby, Agony Booth, and Good Bad Flicks this is my comfort food.
Has some funny bits and demands attention like MST3K. The phrases "North Korean Jubilee" and "Robin Thicke as a horny Bettlejuice" have entered the lexicon.
The show is very Canadian. Not in a Kids in the Hall Way or Degrassi way. But in that is directly references it. In the PSA episode Will Arnett mentions "Canada had no big PSAs" and in the workout video episode his brief sketch is a Canadian themed workout video. One episode is all about a Canadian televised stadium show for the debut of SkyDome which WAS insane but that pitch is way to narrow. This wanted to plant its flag up north but alas no. Maybe it was pitched to the CBC and they were "Fuck no. Get out of her and take this shit to Quibi or maybe that guy who makes shadow puppets outside the drugstore."
And the irony on Quibi likely getting a Memory Hole treatment in 30 years. Well that is chef's kiss.
I know the Princess Bride: Home Movie is the big get for Quibi but not going to lie I never got too hyped for that movie. Its good but, well, you read this blog and know what I want to get my nerd jam on. And, that is horrible phrasing. I am sorry.
If you come to this blog for advice then I, again, am sorry but when it comes to Quibi I suggest avoiding. Or get the free trial and jam everything in two days because no joke you can do that.
I took an Benadryl to counteract a surprise allergy attack that popped up in the evening. I live in a death trap of cats and dust mites that is only kept at bay by a cocktail of prescriptions. Four pills and a puff to make sure I don't wake up wheezing and sweaty. Perhaps that pill was related to this sequence.
I dreamed that me, a co worker, the boyfriend of some yoga teacher I follow on Instagram, and then a random Spanish man all had to go to a Magic the Gathering tournament. And we were in one of those nameless cities from bad movies. All brutal concrete and Geo Metros. But I messed up and we came at the wrong day so, in a dream wipe, ended up at Townhall restaurant, a place infamous in Cleveland for being run by a litigious and racist jerk off owner. Disgusted by ourselves we then snuck over to a children's hospital where we had to steal a pillow from the second floor. It was an open air hospital with green courtyards framed by mossy paver paths. It reminded me a hospital I visited in Nicaragua or my own elementary school where at any moment the outside world could vine in through the steel shutter windows. Here were were joined by the tall gym teacher from my school and my father in law. They helped us weave through a shanty town built over a swamp that abutted the hospital and towards a highway which is when I woke up.
In what little power my position offers, I got to choose my daughter's kindergarten teacher today. This is a small but powerful luxury i used on my son to great effect. Setting up my daughter to succeed!
Note my position offers an overwhelming amount of accountability with little ability to influence said execution of it. The gig is herding dozens of ball kicking cats in a "hurry up and wait" fashion. I'm writing the rule book while also simultaneously finding exceptions to it. This makes me think that is what being a Congressperson must feel like. Except those prices get kick backs. Insider trading tips and the Capitol Hill barber. I get to choose from the Group of educators who will be subject to the now quadruple awkward exchanges.
"Hey, your kid bit me."
Whelp. That is awkward. I'm sorry. So so sorry.
"Hey, I caught your staring at my ass at the copier. While making a worksheet. For your kid."
At this point I want to die. If it helps I think you are super cute from any angle. Ok, that did not help.
"Hey, where is my reimbursement for those notebooks. Or why didn't the custodian cleanup the dust under my desk. Or..."
Ok, here I can get a bit defensive. You know that the receipt was late and...nope now I feel awful and awkward and small. Fire me. Well, ill fire myself after you suggest I should. Just be nice to my kid. Or, just be fair. You are all pro, yes?
Its the "my kid" That makes everything sunburn tickling your shirt tags uncomfortable. Not just random strangers but a spider web network or concentric layers. A goofy vent diagram where the person utterly paralyzed to have any of these talks is a flat circle with me in the middle.
I have a repeating dream where my daughter slips from a dock or a boat and then slithers down into the water, bubbles trailing above. The action is sudden and scene snapping with no warning. Just a soft slip and silky splash. Sometimes the water is green like a pond in name only with underwater fronds and sometimes it is black and cosmically deep. There is no sense of panic or calamity in the dream. I wake up and she is still in the house sometimes sleeping and sometimes awake but always dry
Netflix has a new show called Floor is Lava and while everyone spent this holiday weekend watching Hamilton, I rewatched the aforementioned.
Give it a try! Don't be a snob. You already saw Hamilton so give Lava a try. The premise is simple...its an obstacle course game show where you have to cross a themed room (like a bedroom or planetarium) and the floor is dyed water made to bubble and foam like cartoon lava. Teams of 2 to 3 people try to clamber over there and fastest and/or most survivors wins.
Its writer strike fair. Or the kind of stuff Netflix gobbles up to see what sticks but has that infectious game show vibe for the whole family. How would you leap from couch to couch? Maybe if you scream louder the people will actually hear you and realize they need the key in the pizza oven to open the extension on the dining room table. How would your family fare? Coworkers? I would certainly die in the first leap.
And when you fall into the drink the show edits it as if you don't come back. Just slip into the lava and gone. Nice touch when really it is probably 3 feet deep in there.
The show needs decidedly unfit people. Sure that is in the casting call. Physically fit people because not everyone on the show is some hardcopy but everyone is active. One contestant boast she can do yoga on a stand up paddelboard. Like, so what? I can eat a crunch wrap in the car without spilling any of it
Fastest time? A pair of rock climbers. Oh, look at that!
No, show needs the "real" America. Needs people like
Those guys who say they could beat Serena Williams at tennis. Honestly, any of the guys who respond with "make me a sandwich" gags to any news concerning a female athlete.
Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite types. See also Al Bundys.
Almost served guys who had an uncle in the service so that kind of counts, right?
Your gym teacher
An assortment of people with just annoying enough conditions to make sure they bounce right off the damn pyramid and into the lava. People with bursitis, extra dry skin, and/or restless leg syndrome.
All these would make fine additions. Just have your team name handy.
Its writing prompt time! The last few posts have seen readers of 3! Three people reading the posts. One even had 4 people. Which means you can't all be Russian porn/disinformation bots!* Maybe it is my wife because she is so proud of me! Or, my co-workers who think I am so hilarious! Or, strangers lead here because they went to the SECOND page of Google results and this came up when you searched "bad takes" or "work crush" or "an essay on the Nick Cage file Fire Birds."
I turned the page and honestly got a prompt about vampires. I do not like vampires and there is already way too much purple prose on them so I batted my eyes to the next page and saw "A man falls asleep under a fruit tree. He wakes up to hear a hissing sound and he sees..."
Nelson had this horrible habit of falling in love with people on the Internet. The response to the pandemic only heightened this since there was nothing to do but consume. He found whimsy in the cutesy energy of the Tiny Kitchen Instagram account and how they made omelets for gnomes with quail eggs. And saving memes from all the subs and mains of Reddit to show friends and coworkers for the expected time everything would go back to normal. With podcasts he imagined how the casters looked and would then compare and contrast them to his expectations. And he had fallen in love with a single mom casting about living her life during the pandemic. Dana and the Distant But Close Mom Hour. She worked from home but she also had two toddlers so how do you manage that. And she had this struggle to balance between "Internet basic" and "woke" so one cast was about crafting tips and the other an interview with the ED of the LGBTQ center in Gordon Square.
And in one casts, deep into the endless May of the pandemic, she sounded beyond defeated. It was posted at 2am and he got the alert and listened and it sounded like she was broadcasting from under a blanket with a stuffy nose and a sleeve of cookies next to her. It was a nadir of a cast to purge negative feelings of trying to do it all. "I hate my sourdough starter, everyone. I don't need another living thing judging me and telling me, no showing me, how i fail it. I made crackers with it, folks."
Nelson's heart broke. He had found her on Facebook (He hated spending more time on it but what else was there to do) and imagined Dana without glasses, hair in a messy bun, and just hurt during that cast. He couldn't do anything but he ordered some books through her affiliate link and made sure to watch all the ads on the Youtube channel where she uploaded those version of her podcasts.
He tried his hand at the bread baking. He would comment "Hey I tried your sourdough starter and it worked. Hang in there!"
It was a little monster. Feeding every day and rising and falling as the bubbles grew. Nelson went to an ornamental cherry tree he had in his yard. Another Twitter thread said you could catch more wild yeast that way. From under fruit trees and bushes. So he stretched muslin (Really an old paint towel) over the top and went under the cherry. There he read books never read from high school, reminded why he never cracked Crime and Punishment. Under the tree he feel asleep in the early June muggy heat. He had a dream where he imagined Dana, pushing back her Rivers Cuomo style glasses, and speaking into a radio mic like some ancient USO show that was interrupted by the shrill long coos of a catbird. Then it began crapping on him. A cold stream of bird diarrhea over his legs after he scrambled out of the way to miss crap hitting his head. In the panic he knocked over the sourdough starter. The wild active yeast glombed into the dirt and poured out through the frail muslin fiber. Then he channeled Dana, simply giving up, letting it feed the birds so as to not have judgments.
* With the election coming in 4 months I assume some guy in Vladivostok flipped the switch on the server to do both
I've been dreaming often about work. You tell people that and they immediately jump to the salacious. Its why you don't tell someone that.
"Oh, hey. I had a dream last night and you were in it!" Seems so innocent but unless you have an eternal bond then it can be wild. That person has to be thinking, while they smile awkwardly or pretend not to be paying too much attention, "So is this a sex thing? Or a violence thing? Or both!?"
No, none of those. We are tainted by media that tells us dreams are true running sagas when they have the consistency of blown cigar smoke rings. Very cool in the moment but gone immediately. All the ethereal metaphors. Sand through your hands. That sudden boost of confidence when the perfect put back pops up. The sight line of dandelion seeds before they melt into the grass. All just melts away. I call shenanigans on seasons of TV shows where "it was all just a dream." I saw a brutal tweet where imagine, after all the Harry Potter books*, it just ended with him waking back up in the cupboard under the stairs. All just a dream!
So, no. I don't have enough dream time to come up with a dream where I fantasize fantasize. Or playing some revenge fantasy. Instead they are images or brief moments that maybe get strung along into something cohesive with enough power to bother the hell out of me when I wake up and it is gone. "Fuck, that was a good one. I think."
It's a ton of "I thinks."
I've dreamt of boxes, an old dream to be truthful. But, while at my last job it was boxes falling in Tetris waves, now it is me having to open boxes. Endless ones in endless sizes. Shoe boxes and monster 24" inch ones. A whole damn gaylord box. Some triple wrapped in tape at each corner and others about to collapse. The contents doesn't matter. All opening and then carrying them to the dumpster. Here everything tumbles and gets caught beneath my feet so I wake up falling.
Ive dreamt about my boss. Needing an answer but she is an image on a monitor and she just smiles and twirls her hair. Then I wake up with no answer.
Moldy books that cough back spores. Here is a copy of "The Kids Guide to Video Production**" and I open it up to a mycology bomb. What the fuck! Ack!
I learned a coworker is into kung-fu so I had a dream where they are in one of those martial arts outfits. The white ones with the belt. And they are working in that as if this is a 70's kung fu grindhouse movie. The kind WuTang clan writes songs about. At the copier ready for a crane kick, I guess.
Lots of images of hair, like the pages of those salon books. But just flashes that remind me of coworkers. This is credit to a penchant to write up endless to do lists. I list them on Post it Notes and then cross them off while the edges curl from being rubbed by my wrists as I type on my laptop. These are the things I need to do. For these people. But it is the same people who cycle.
I don't want these the ephemerate so I am going to jot them down even if they are in bits and pieces.
*Loyal readers will note I still have not finished the series as finding the 4th book has been tricky to get used/free as to not support Rowling. We will get there!
**Copyright 1991. This kid's school and/or parents had a lot of blank VHS tapes.
Today is my son's 7th birthday. Beyond all the celebration it marks two key times I felt totally helpless. Which is a key component to parenting as not everything is in your control. But this wasn't "Well I tried to get Johnny to read but we couldn't buy enough books" kind of helpless. This was dictionary definition helpless. A fish flopping in a dry cold ether of space helpless. Bad erotica helpless where they use the word mewl in the sentence. Because, in all other situations,s even in stressful situations, I will try to feign something or play it out in my head. Even just shake my fist in the air and scream "Damn it!" Its little bits like this...
Did you hurt yourself? Err...well let me like fiddle around here while I look for that first aid kit I swear I keep in my car. You know, just in case. My keys are here somewhere. Oh, look here are the EMTs. Ok, bye. Good luck.
Then I race away and breather a deep hot breath of relaxation. I saved some face and that person got helped. Win-win.
So that day, I did not much. My wife and the doctors and nurses did all the work. As a 30 something male I will say that TV/movies have lied to me in two ways about women. Which, note that is not how you should learn about much, but especially over 50% of the human race, but there was a lot of good TV you see. First one is
1) All women wear matching bra and underwear. I know where this came from. MTV had a show called Undressed that was on around 11pm every night and it had lots of good looking teens and 20 somethings heavy petting in their underwear. Not going to talk much about it because there is a key wonkiness factor but episodes are all over Youtube. This is also not the post on the very rare and few times I got to test this theory.
2) Birth is a quick process, knocked out in a couple of hours. I call this the sitcom having a baby at the worst time rule. Ever watch Home Improvement. I know, I did to. We can be sorry together. Heidi had her baby on the way to the Car Guy of Year convention with Tim. Why the Car Guy of the Year convention is in boonie back of beyond Michigan and not Detroit (where the show was set) is beyond me but they needed to have that baby in a gas station in a snow storm.
So, lets focus on number 2. And that feeling of helplessness.
My wife, doing all the work, ask me to tie her hair back into a simple pony tail. Because she has got IVs in her arms and a fetal electrode running up her birth canal to monitor our son's vitals. And I just can't. I mean I am beyond reproach when it comes to anything with fine motor skills. Putting stickers on Legos? Oh, no way. I am just going to write Octan with this here sharpie don't mind me. Tie a tie? Mine look like the legs of guy who always skip leg day. Tie up her hair? Err, I got nothing. Luckily, a med student was there observing (My poor wife not just dealing with her own doctors an hovering parents but a plucky student who can't help medically but can watch) and was able to tie it back.
However, the real sense of helplessness came when my son actually dropped into the birthing canal and they told my wife to start pushing. At the first contraction all the monitors started screaming and within one second about 7 doctors and nurses blasted in to assist the already 3 people in our room. And the massed around my wife and unborn son in a huddle of that periwinkle hospital scrub blue while I just stood in the corner. They screamed things like "code blue" and prep for surgery while alarms ringed those sharp submarine AAAOOOOGGAHHS from the movies. Over in the corner it was all the boiled down essence of awkwardness from every event in life. School dances holding up the wall. Sitting alone in the dining hall. Every first day at work. Going to a work conference by yourself. Waving at someone then realizing they were waiving at someone behind you. Hitting reply all on an email. All those turn to dust moments laced with dread that maybe she was dying? Or the baby? Both?
When the baby dropped and my wife's water formally broke my son's head hit the top of her pubic bone. So every time she pushed his head slammed into a wall and his vital spiked in a primal sense of panic. The doctors immediately whisked her away for an emergency c-section while I stood alone in the disheveled room. Towels and kidney basins dropped on the floor over wheel ruts left impervious to all cleaners. Its a huge room with the beige and rust and seafoam pastels favored by hospitals and cheap hotels. Outside the word was gone and it was nothing but void beyond the windows and runner drapes. Unable to help my wife, the staff and unable to effect the rush of that void. Feeling small and collapsing with the gravity to spark another Big Bang.
Then, someone popped in and asked me to get dressed for the OR.
In the OR, when he was born, the radio played "Call Me Maybe" by Carly Rae Jepsen, testament to how rote this all is to the doctor's chatting about what they will do over the weekend.
Two of my friends have begun podcasts and one of them is proposing to start another where it is just him. This is in reaction to the quarantine for COVID 19 which, as a I write this, is relaxing in Ohio but I can also see it bounce back in the fall because people are dumb.
Oh, don't worry. I am not starting a podcast. I have a hard enough time with this blog and I don't have a partner to parry and pivot from. I would also be awful at editing and production values. Kids screaming in the background. A toilet flushing and some sort of weird hum as well. Max Headroom would take over and scream about his medical conditions. I mean, if you think of this blog as a podcast that you read then here is theextent of my artistic capabilities.
If I did a podcast it would be rambling and too self referential for its own good. This is the kind of stuff on very early morning AM radio. Except instead of talking about UFOs and CIA black helicopters I will talk about going 0 and 3 on a MTG draft or how the tree in my backyard does nothing but spit branches out with even a passing gentle zephyr wind. Or dumb internal monologues except in my bargain bin puberty voice. Not like the plays you see here. I would for sure break into a horrible impression that would nuke people's ears. Something like
Co Worker, via text: Thanks for the info. I miss seeing your face on the admin wide zoom calls btw!
Me, via text: Oh me too! Thanks
Me, in my head trying to sound confident: OMG. She is flirting with me! YASS!
Also me, also in my head but not sounding confident which is pretty much how I always sound: No, dumbass. She is just being nice.
Or really horrible rambling stories. Like I was at work the other day. Just me stuffing some envelope and in walks in a co-worker/teacher to print some stuff. And as she is printing while I am at my desk it starts to smell like the most wonderful fried chicken. Wafting from the outside and I am "What is happening? And, don't say anything because it will be awkward and awful for sure. Keep your head down. Type type type type." But for sure its weird and this is the first co-workers I have physically seen in like 3 weeks and I want to be "OH HEY HOW ARE YOU! I MISS HELPING YOU OUT INDEED. I HOPE THIS IS NOT WEIRD."
Or, I would just make it an oral version of my Twitter. Like, have you guys heard Run The Jewels!? Holy shit they are awesome. And timely! Why didn't I know about them? Well its because the only music you listen to is the same 20 or so Toonami soundtracks and video game scores while you try to get your 10000 steps a day.
Or hey I liked a bunch of Tweet by both a trans-femme MTG player AND that Neontaster guy who could be an Israeli counter intelligence agent AND then about a dozne Cleveland sports account AND that guy who likes bike lanes in Sandusky a bit too much. Yeah, eat that algorithm.
If anything that is what I would call my podcast, Eat it Algorithm!
Keeping on keeping on. This copy I got for free on my wife's neighborhood freecycle page. I mean the front cover was ripped off but the rest of the book was there!
These book covers (and I know there are more) always show Harry and the crew in like normal clothes. he is wearing jeans. But the books always talk about robes and I imagine these guys running around in muu-muus with maybe some underpants and a tshirt underneath.
I have only read three of these books but this one is my favorite so far. There is enough of a familiarity with the characters and setting to feel comfortable but she opens up more of the world. Harry "blowing up" Aunt Marge, the trips to other places in the magical Hogwarts world, the Quidditch final, Snape finally losing his utter shit at Harry, etc all feel very organic, necessary, and rewarding. Do they go downhill from here?!
Ron is still my homebody and there is a very uncomfortable and sudden bit of violence that describes how his leg breaks as he gets sucked under the Whomping Willow near the book's climax.
Speaking of climax, when I read the first part of it I was a bit frustrated. Here is Harry getting deus ex machina'ed AGAIN but its actually a clever trick as his FUTURE self is the one who fires the Patronus spell.
Dementors sound very cool and creepy AND I know 100% get the Prison Mike reference of The Office what with "The toughest part of prison was the dementors" joke. I want to visit Azkaban. I imagine it as basalt cone volcano rising from the sea and encircled by a island high chain of stone steps. Then hundreds of cell facing out from the rock into the sea at the steps with metal bars over their openings. The dementors loop endlessly on the stairs like video game guards for eternity.
I ALSO got a Twitter joke where a user, in reference to the high turnover of officials in the Trump administration (Only hire best people you know) said "Hogwarts loses another Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher" What a lovely cosmic coincidence.
Doesn't the presence of a Defense Against the Dark Arts imply and welcome a looming and potential violence? Magical Self Defense perhaps because can't even your best bud totally clobber you with some bolt of purity or what not?
I still know nothing about Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff save Hufflepuff wears canary yellow.
Finished the second book so here are some thoughts. Note that there isn't a larger introduction or aside about the book since I did that in the first post. This will also be done via the handy dandy bulleted list
Ok, I lied. One quick aside. But, still, bulleted list. In the last couple of days JK Rowling has been in the news especially after posting a manifesto defending her recent statements on gender and transpeople. I haven't read the manifesto but as someone who firmly supports trans folks and the determination that gender is inherently cultural and not purely biological, I don't think it would be something that excites me. It is tough to see fans feel so hollowed out by Rowling's statements and what seems to be a deep dig into the culture war trenches. As someone who was very taken aback by Orson Scott Card's toxicity (I loved Ender's Game and especially the Shadow series with Bean. Alas) I get it except HP is twenty times bigger than Ender's Game. It hurts. A girl I crushed on in college has an HP tattoo (That I never got as I stared at the back of her head in one of the umpteen Science Fiction classes) and I think if she still displays it proudly? I bet not. And rightfully so. For what it is worth, every HP book I got (Already on 3rd one and have some other ones in stock) are used or library copies.
Gideon Lockhart is a piece of shit and I hope he doesn't come back. And, yeah Ron is still my mans and boy I hope he doesn't die.
Are Slytherin's going to be redeemed in the later books? Because, right now I hope not and they get crushed because its just pure dick baggery. I want some Fire Nation from ATLA vibes but its just pure mustache twirling. Like, kick these folks out if they have a latent time bomb monster that pops up every 50 years! Maybe its a balance thing like color black in Magic? Still got plenty of books.
The mandrakes reminded me of Pan's Labyrinth, one of my favorite movies, so yay for that little aside. Going to have to go re-watch it.
Harry has some Sailor Moon vibes to him what with the MacGuffin's showing up at the last minute to save him. Sword and a phoenix ally? That is usually two seasons deep of upgrades for the hero.
Are there other magical school that are not Hogwarts? Because could I go there where there aren't monsters and the looming threat of being collateral damage in Harry's story?
I am liking this world and the wizardy a lot more than I expected. Thought I would be immune but here I am thinking what my wand would be made of and what I would specialize in going into my third year. Don't worry, those are surely coming in a later post.
Is this book set in 1992? Because when Nearly Headless Nick has his 500 year deathday party it says he died around 1492. I would guess since it is just a few years before when she wrote it. Still feels very timeless, but help me place it. Lucky I was not some British kid in 1992 or I would "Hey, ya think Harry liked....whatever British kids liked in 1992?"
The greatest gift the universe has given me is that my children have not mimicked my nasty habit of screaming "God fucking damn it" or "Fuck me in the ass!" when suffering some minor and petty slight. Got shocked by the door knob to the basement? Took the wrong turn? Someone missed a free throw? Well, there you go.
Note my children have begun to develop all sorts of other stupid quirks of mine. An anxious worry about what are we going to do next? Yup. Yelling "Ok, you win!" to end an argument? Oh, well they are in the AP class of that. Spending too much time on screens? Got it.
Noted they do enjoy health fruits and vegetables as snacks so we got that going as well.
During a storm the mighty basswood tree in the backyard spits out branches. Then in the next morning the charcoal grill looks as if subterranean arms are pulling it back to the earth. To slough off the iron, rust, and wood and melt it back into the earth to fertilize the tree. Smaller bushes are slain by forked branches cutting through the leathery leaves and thorns. Or just tall curved branches that loop up from the grass. Our yard's version of Ayer's Rock, thin wooden monoliths from the ground.
But, no leaves. Those have been shucked to some further ether. Another neighbor's yard, perhaps? The woods a few miles away? Just dry spindly branches sometimes peppered with the ears of tundra green fungi.
"That tree is dying," said our behind the fence line neighbor. He had come around to the front to tell me a large branch had fallen in his yard and what I was going to do about it. "Just put it in my yard. Sorry about that."
So, after the storms there is a second flurry of sticks that come from above the forsythia hedge. And not just from my tree but the elderberry bush behind said neighbor's shed. The shagbark hickory on the right of our properties that boomerangs off pieces of its bark with just a strong glance. My yard becomes the neighborhood woodpile for the tin pot yard dictators of the suburbs. These guys have their own edgers and seeders and I chop wood with the hatchet sharpened with my wife's chef block sharpener and rusted from dozens of camping trips.
My mother once came to visit and was leery of the tree. Clutching her rosary she said "Branch will fall" and rarely left the basement. Loaded with leaves that look like elongated hearts and the dew drop tiny flowers it does not feel ominous even with its 70 foot height. But the main branches from the first ring of limbs are as wide as diving boards and thicker than the handsome logs on the faux exterior of a Cracker Barrel. Those could fall with a Seussian "galumph" onto the ground and cut a deep divot into the earth, unlike the wimpy branches from a regular storm. Those big branches are finite in their threat. One biblical storm and then its gone but the small are endless. Maybe she meant death by hundreds of pin pricks? The neighbor would certainly agree but he is protected by 50 feet of yard and the fan sweep of the branches.
After the storm then there are questions. Will it be the next one that sunders the main branch? Live another day! Also potential. Fill up the wood bin and fuel a conflagration. The ever burning flame of summer evenings.
Working as a barista I heard several phrases that cut me and then dug deep into the nodes of my brain. They never entered my vocabulary because I am not that brave. I remember verisimilitude and germane and salient from vocab lessons in 7th grade Study Skills class and I use these often, sneaking them into conversation to make myself sound erudite. Oh, that is a coffee shop word. We, like any shop worth its latte foam, had a chalk sandwich board. Problem is my hand writing is a ten car pile up into a burning factory awful. "It looks retarded," my wife once said. "I will never forget your handwriting" says a former coworker on Facebooks and she knows how to decipher words from bad notes left in the warehouse.
But on the sandwich board I wrote "Tyger tyger burning bright, in the forests of the night, what immortal hand or eye, could frame they fearful symmetry." Its a lovely bit of poem by William Blake. I decided to scrawl this on the board (Note last time I wrote on the board I wrote "Have a Latte of Labor Day" and this got sneered out of existence by the coffee intellegista. Karens with advanced degrees!) and it tickled the fancy of some passing men* to say "What an erudite sign"
"Why the sad puss?" That's another one. And, wait, woah. That is some ballsy stuff to say to Chelsea over here running the counter. I would be so embarrassed and this is also sexual harassment, right? "Oh, it means face."
No, the fuck it does not. Really? ***Checks notes*** I will be damned it does mean that but c'mon you knew what you were saying. It caught us both off guard and jacked up the serving line.
"I will take a peach cappuccino. Like at the gas station."
Wait, what? Excuse me, ma'am but we don't have peach and I don't recommend that. I tried Pineapple Lattes for a while when I was trying to be the "in crowd" and it curdled the milk.
"Ok, well then strawberry"
No, I refuse. Note the gas station was the Valero in Jacksonville, NY, a town so tiny it wasn't even a village but instead the gas station, a post office, and eleven houses plopped against soybean fields. Its a hamlet I would say, remembering another study skills word, but I think those would feature some actual leadership. Just saying this was not a hotbed of cutting edge cuisine but instead a place where the gas station laid out every Monin syrup they could get by the sugar and creams. For iced teas, I guess?
"My name is Summer. There is nothing funnier than naming a girl from upstate New York, Summer."
This is true. I am sorry, Summer.
"I can tell you are mad at me and my feedback. But I need you to learn how to foam better."
Yes, I am mad because I am getting my balls busted for not drawing a perfect fern on the latte. Have you seen my hand writing?! Have you seen our customers? One guy is called, no joke, Dan the Communist Painter. Did I mention I am good at the register? Like never even a penny off. And I washed the windows. You got time to lean you got time to clean, right?
Opening the shrink wrap of a bundle of Highlights for Children magazine I realized that my children would never have the gut busting thrill of getting a magazine in the mail. I mean, I know they exist but my children are part of that emerging YouTube generation where live TV hurts their heads and endless books are on tablets through things like RazKids and Epic.
I had to wait 6 to 8 weeks (an infinite amount of time to a child) for the first issue of ZooBooks. Do you remember Zoo Books?! They came with stickers and a tiger poster and the elephants issue is free but only if you order now! And, now as an adult, wow thanks guy for a free elephants issue that you already printed. Can someone do the math? Did they only print 11 for the normal bundle and then sucker us into the getting the full 12th (one per month) by having moms call with their credit cards NOW?!
My main stay was Nickelodeon magazine. Rememebr that back in the go -go 90s you had to pay for Disney Channel and we didn't always have it. Mami would pick and choose from the cable bill like someone saying "Wait, one second. We did not get cheese on this burger and were charged for it!" But Nickelodeon was a basic channel and that way my jam.
Note that Nickelodeon magazine covered a lot of stuff not on the channel including this mascot fuzzy dog named Zelda that went on comic book adventures. I remember one prank sheet they included about hotels where they included a sheet of paper you could leave in the drawer of a hotel room. You know, where the bible is, right? Then as you leave you put this diploma looking thing in there that had MadLib style blank sheets of paper on it for your family name and that because you were so awesome that that room now needed to be preserved, but you (the new guests) were welcome to breath the air. There was also a Thanksgiving bingo card they included once where they told us to put a piece of inedible gristle in one square. You know, tape it over with some scotch tape.
I didn't get Nintendo Power because the budget to make that worthwhile was way beyond my reach. I had friends for that with endless NES and SNES games. No Disney Adventures as aforementioned I was a Nick stan. Mad Magazine too which I bought only at the Amigo supermarket and sometimes even Cracked which was trickier to find and because of that felt special regardless of how derivative it felt of Mad. All the back issues of Mad and Cracked stayed in a space above my closet next to shoeboxes of Magic cards. To flick through when the power went out or before bed.
People find this shocking but I don't read much fantasy. I do enjoy playing fantasy but reading it, not my jam. In college I read all of the Lord of the Rings books and I was permanently scarred by the endless songs in them! More than enough.
So, when I tell people that I have never seen or read anything Harry Potter related its also a bit of a shock. Note that being "nerdy" or "geeky" is now the culture so why would I have missed out?* Unless I actively was avoiding it. Not everyone reads comics books but everyone has seen the MCU movies, right? Harry Potter has seven core books, major movie, a theme park, spin off movies, and a rabid madcap fanbase. First book came out in 1997 so I was in the exact demographic for this book back in the 7th grade. What was I reading then? X Wing novels, dear readers. Loads of X-Wing novels by Aaron Alston, Michael Stackpole, etc.
Decades into the HP phenomenon this is all I know about HP
That episode of The Office where they go to the lake and pick team names
In college the music school had this both physical and cultural cloister to it. In a campus of brutalist structure here was a concrete, glass and, wood (Yes, wood) amalgam of cubes from a lonely quad. And music school kids called everyone else Muggles. "And that means, what?" I would ask to many puzzled looks.
A co-worker once told me she was Hufflepuff and this coworker is very cute so I was "Oh, let me do this Sorting Hat thing" and I so wanted Hufflepuff and then I got Gryffindor. Which at the time I was majorly bummed but now I get it.
Quidittch is a sport in the world akin to Blitzball or Calvinball that people have leagues for.
JK Rowling is now canceled due to her virulent anti-trans stances**
Note I also have this stubborn penchant of wanting to see/experience things in their original media before the adaptation. Never seen any of the movies, so perfect time to read those books? . Twenty three years later I am still awkward and just read it so, lets go.
It's fun! Loads of nods to hackneyed tropes on wizards and witches that feel quite fresh and note this is me reading it twenty something years later, after its influence has taken. I mean Harry himself is flat as a sheet of paper*** but the world is something for sure! Feeling both present (the modern day notes o video games, real world locations, trains, and holidays) and also aged and classic it all feels like an "old past." Or something from a parallel world. Lore really carries the day here with the references to ancient tomes and creatures. I now finally get those Jelly Belly beans my son loves where some flavors are gross like booger. And the collectible cards in the Chocolate Frogs? What a nice touch. These are real world super heroes. I want to explore this world more. How do they gather unicorn hair? How do they make the wands from all the wood and fibers? I want to see the Hogwarts greenhouse. More lore! MORE!
Some more quick asides
Hagrid and Ron Weasely are my mans. I hope they don't die.
While I chuckle at the name Slytherin (This is like Dick Dastardly), I do appreciate them as sort of this chaotic good like Esper in MTG.
You go to Hogwarts for like umpteen years become this ace wizard/witch and then...what? Hermoine's parents are dentists, right. It seems like Hogwarts just created career academics. "Study hard, Potter. Then maybe you will get tenure."
Ending is way too much a dues ex machina. Not even against the idea of someone swooping in and saving the day but the fade to black and then happy days that irks me. We spent five chapters setting up how shitty the Durdsleys were. Can we get a few more pages of the final battle?!
I have the second book already tabbed so stay tuned!
*I have also never seen/read/watched any Dr. Who or Battlestar Galactica. Blog posts to come?!
**Quick aside and chain of rabbit hole...MTG Twitter is very vocal and like many Twitter cultures circular and insular with "celebrities." Many very vocal MTG Twitter folks are LGBTQ including numerous trans folks. So, that is where I learned about the cancelling JK Rowling and I will admit I have only cursorily scanned the issue but in support I will say all the HP books I got are from libraries or second hand. So, no royalties for her from me.
***He does grow for sure just that he is more a vessel to keep the story going.
"The Daxamites are powerful, but...they have a pronounced lead allergy. A well placed bullet and they are down" ***cocks gun***
Sure, but, isn't that true of like everyone? The allergy is what does them? Could I be a hero by poking them with pencils? Could they not invade the post industrial Rust Belt Midwest due to the high levels of background lead in again cities? I always knew the Great Lakes would be an excellent catastrophe refuge.
A horrible habit I developed in the late spring is this rollercoaster relationship with sleep and work. Around 4pm each day my boss and administration fire off projects to be completed. This is a witching hour where the mound of paperwork I need to take home feels olympic in scope. I've spent hours in the dusty building doing all the stuff I can't jam from home. Painting. Chasing this spiderweb. Counting cash and feeding the maw of payables.
4pm is also my bluesiest part of the day where its not that the day is over but we are hours away from starting another one just like it. That's when it get something done. "Is this too hard to do?" I appreciate the sympathy but the answer is to make it work. The ends justifies the means.
By 8:30pm or 9pm I do unwind because I find 15 minutes to sleep in my children's beds while they watch video. I will often bring a book to read while they cruise Youtube before bed time stories but i rarely crack it. "I am just going to close my eyes for a bit"
Then in the living room is swoop into a nadir where the coach swallows me until I wake back at 11:30pm or midnight and shuffle PDFs to a from their digital homes. My wife has already gone to bed and these nights they smell of coffee and the wet smoke smell of a snuffed candle. I want to constantly pee and twitch my legs. And bat back emails to people. Can I text them now? Aren't you up? Where is that payroll form. I need it. You won't get paid. Why don't you want to be paid!? Are you secretly rich?
Its the summer. The kids can sleep in, but my daughter taps on my feet at 6am and says "Good Morning."
I too waited to see UncutGems until it came on Netflix because I am at the point in life where going to the movies requires the logistics of D Day.
Do we have a sitter?
Are the kids in good enough moods? Should we give them their meds?
Is it worth it? Oh, shit! Do we have cash for the sitter!?
Is there anything you want to see? I'll see anything but up to you...
But when the movie began trending on Twitter it was a call to go watch it and be ever late to the party. This is how I win.
And the movie is good! I'm a sucker for these 2 to 3 day odyssey type films but it is funny, paranoid, and tense. Its very anxious as layers upon layers are stacked onto the mutated get rich quick scheme run by Adam Saddlers Howard Ratner. And, yeah Sandler is amazing in the role making Howard someone who is slimy and selfish yet quite charming. He is Walter White without any of the cruelty and the actual hero of this tale.
Note this movie is a lot. It has mobsters, jewelers, basketball stars, fish, and enough low level street grifters to fill out the first few missions of any GTA game. It has Idina Menzel (the Frozen lady) in it for like 5 minutes and she is amazing in it. Kevin Garnett plays himself nearly 10 years in the past and it makes all the sense. I bet in a few years people will day this movie was based on real events. How this rock influence the NBA.
Movie steeps in the NYC culture of the Diamon District and I get the feeling many bit roles were played by non-actors just asked to play themselves. "Wanna make a few bucks? Here just say this to Adam, here. You know Adam, right?"
Also...I had no clue who Julia Fox was before this but JESUS FUCKING CHRIST have you seen Julia Fox!? I am not one to swoon over celebrities (More of a girl next door or at the copier type person) since I realize they have teams of makeup artists, hair stylists, chefs, trainers, wardrobe fokks, etc to make them look all shiny and new but my goodness sometimes you need to ignore all that and buy the hype. And she, like Sandler, does well balancing the grift and charm of her character.
One thing I did not like was the score which is this angry Casio synth piece. Imagine a rolling boil and Moog synthesizer fucked and you get the score. And, look, I love ectronic music but considering the score is often lounder than the spoken words that sucks. I get this is part of the anxiety ( Reminds me of a horror movie soundtrack) but could they have dialed it down a bit.
"Would you mind closing your windows? We can hear you screaming all the way down the street?"
This bolts a tiny catalyst of petty deep in my brain. "Oh sorry about that but no." Its 90 degrees out and being laid off trying to save money on utilities.
"Well, it interrupts my day. Your poor kids. All you do is yell."
I have avoided neighbors. They are tiresome little things that all act as feudal lords of their tiny plot of land. Always mulching and having a mower. Then a trimmer and an edger.
"Well sorry Karen but THIS IS MY NORMAL LEVEL OF VOLUME. YOU CLOSE YOUR WINDOWS!"
I slam the door and my children they look up from tablets and coloring booms. "WOW! DADDY! WHAT HAPPENED?"
The local tiki bar opens at 3pm on Fridays to cater to an early crowd of suburban boomers and retirees. What had begun as small space set in a former paint store (splatters on the brick walls testament to this) had now become a beyond hip place that you need to take your grandma to and also first dates. The owner, trying to capitalize on the popularity, briefly indulged his original dream of an Italian restaurant and ordered his cook to prepare little bowls of meatballs. When fans pointed out the disconnect he made on glaze pork balls with minced garlic in a pineapple teriyaki glaze. But, that flopped so it returned to bar snacks and drinks.
Jonas was the youngest person there at 3:15pm and felt impressive when he ordered something not on the menu. "The original daiquiri please. With the Appleton, please," and the bartender smiled and a couple two stools down shrugged and nodded before glancing back to their menus. This was as far as his expertise went on rum. And he had heard it from another customer. Its a trick he learned years ago, in the weird unfulfilled times after college and he overheard someone order a "Bud Light and Crown Royal shot."
"In order to be an expert all you need to know is more than the person you are talking to." That is what he learned from a coding guy in the basement of their shared office building.
"Is that how you solve all the tech stuff?"
To which the tech replied, Jonas never learned his name, "Well, I don't do that kind of stuff. But yeah."
His drink arrived in a fluted glass with slivers of lime pulp still floating on the top. The bartender has spiral cut a bit of lime rind and hung it off the rim. He sips on it and then pretends to be very busy on his phone. He checks the time and it is 3:27pm. He has already peaked in this indulgence with the off menu drink. Now it is just a matter of time to get until 4pm when he has to leave and be back in the office.
The door opened to the patio outside and someone else from the office entered. This drained the already ebbing confidence from his body until it sunk into the floorboards.
It was Maria a sales person in line to be lead once Robert retired. She put away her phone into a baggy corduroy purse and then noticed him. They worked across offices but it wasn't a big company and nether a big space.
"Hi. Tina tells me that you take your lunch late and now it makes sense." She didn't ask and took the seat next to him. "What is that?" she asked pointing at his drink.
"Oh, its a Daiquiri."
"Like at Senor Frogs?"
This is where having no confidence helped as he had no snobbery, "No, ha! Good one. No, its lime and sugar and rum. White rum. All in the right proportions and shaken with tons of ice."
"Its not on the menu," she said thumbing a copy of the dog eared bar guide.
"No, but they can make it. Just ask."
"Obviously. Is it good?" And he slide the drink over and said, "Sure. want to try"
And, was that appropriate. Would she think he was weird. Trying to poison her? Drug her? What about germs?
She did, take a tiny swig. Tipping her head forward to the bar from the far end where condensation was still unbroken.
"Oh, that's good. I will have one also."
Jonas had a penchant for falling in love with any person who paid any attention. He was not attracted to men but they were someone he wanted to be best buddies with. He heard other men his age had the same problem but it felt, at 32 and alone, this was isolated to just him. But, he was now in love with Maria and imagining a wholesome life together AND a primal fantasy. All because of this drink. That was it.
Here is a list of Mami sayings to celeberate Mother's Day. These sound better in Spanish
"Blacker than an wolf's mouth" aka soemthing very dark
"Faster than a crow peels a peanut" aka very fast, lickety split.
"Little town, big bell" aka someone who is s gossip. Or someone who thinks they are a bigger deal then they are. The office snitch is little town, big bell
"That is a pretty cage for such an ugly bird." aka a fancy house or car for a bad person. Or someone flexing beyond their means.. Mami usually said that as she saw old men pulling up in convertibles.
"Everyting has a solution except death." aka we can figures this out. I find myself saying this ALL THE TIME as I get older and especially in the nightmare confluence of Corona and public education.
"Peaches and cream" or "shit eaters" aka both which mean rich snobs
"At night all cats are black" aka same difference or everything's the same or a wash. Also, why my mother insisted to always have black cars.
"It's guilty!" aka its filthy. Took me years to realize this was Mami trying to say filthy in her boozy thick accent.
"Shit like a tied up duck" If you got the runs and Mami is around then you are like a tird up duck. I think its a pate reference? I never asked about these. Just went with them.
I routinely check my blog metrics and notice the same bead of two lonely readers viewing each post. That is fine because I don't think I have anything particularly interesting to say. I often talk to myself because I consider it my form of prayer. Hash out the situation in my head. Say what I would say if I had all the money in the world. All the courage. All the time and insight. This blog is a digital version of that. Talk to myself. Making a note to remember something that fired enough synapses into my brain to merit recording for all to see.
I've mentioned this before but sometimes I worry that people will find this blog. Folks from work. Old contacts from high school. A friend of mine started a podcast and she had my on it. I didn't mention the blog but we mentioned my Twitter handle (@garikapc) on which there is a link to my blog.
Would someone find this blog and be aghast? Or laugh at its foolishness? I would be flooded with readers! But, still just two. Which is fine as this is all just prayer. Personal but in an open air way where hopes and fears go alfot. With mine they nestle into a tiny corner of an undulating digital scene filled with stories and information. People don't have much time for the grains and that's fine.
Baking bread reminds me of Nelson Rafael Perez Perez. Thats my father. His mother and father were no relation but it is horrible branding. However, he embraced it. Had the name embossed on the knick knacks of 70s and 80s middle management. His padfolio with the leather and brass label etched with it. A marble based pens holder that lost its pens.
When I bake bread I see these tchtotkes. The logos of all the banks he worked for. Santander faux torch. The Aguadilla Farm Credit unions 4 leaf stripped angular clover. I also see him. Sitting shirtless and in slacks on a Sunday afternoon listening to music in the stark black furniture of the living room. The hair on his chest is thick and curly and he wears charcoal grey slacks. This is lounging outfit with a Schiltz beer, soemthing quite exotic in Puerto Rico. My father would have loved Ikea. The mod-wod designs to further his 70s lifestyle magazine aesthetic.
The bread machine? That was a novelty. Bought at the first Sam's Club on the island in the labyrinth traffic jams of Bayamon. It had a cylinder shape the size of a five gallon paint pocket a clear done head. I thought it a bread microwave and asked him to make the braided croissants and pretzels from the insert cook book. But I just had to watch as it stirred with a whimpy paddle stirrer and then the pre programmed rises. "It will be ready overnight."
"Overnight?!" I reacted. The most exciting part was the hot glow of the electric coils that baked it. The finished loaf was the same domes shape and obtuse for slicing. The croissants? Mami just bought those at the same Sams Club.
After my father passed the bread machine collected dust. "Died of laughter," as mami would say. It sounds better in Spanish. My singing uncle then took it. Which was fine beacuse later, when my dog had puppies, they took one for a few months and then I decided to just take the dog back one day. Now I had the second generation. From what I know, over a decade since I've been to PR, he still makes the funky loads. Dog eared bread machine books bought lifetimes ago from the old Borders in Plaza.
When I bake I think of my father and the cookery knick knacks left behind. His electric wok. The liquor cabinet with an already ancient and much depleted bottle of Johnnie Walker Blue. I know let my bread rise 3 or 4 times. To kill time. To give the kids soemthing to smack. "Hey, son? You bored. Here smash this."
It gives the bread a mealy airy bite that is different from the dense shell of his bread machine better. Ill say mine is better if only because of the process.
