My kids cant read yet and my son fights homework with a rage usually saved for rock throwing at riot cops (ok, son. We are not trying out for the Gaza tear gas toss back squad!) but dont say I never taught them.
Everytime my kids see a narwhal they scream...
"There goes a narwhal! Motion in the ocean! Air hose broke!"
Which is a bit from an episode of MST3K.
They also say "Hi-keeba" instead of "Hi-yah" when pretending to karate chop which is also MST3K.
And dont say the word troll because the kids will sign the Troll Toll song from the Always Sunny Nightman episode.
In an effort to keep writing I decided to follow a writing prompt. This writing prompt is
"What time is it? What would you usually be doing? How would it be different if you were in a different place but at the same time?"
I know this is not the fruits of the muse but this is also a random blog in the lonely sandbar of the Internet. These are fiction pieces so buckle up because that was never my strong suit albeit I dreamed of it. I'm more of a personal essay guy with maybe a quirky work memo or bathroom graffiti in the quiver.
My cousin shared with me a meme about Ohio. It went like this:
In Ohio we have nine seasons
1) Winter
2) 3 Day Spring
3) Fake Summer
4) Construction Season
5) Face Melting Summer
6) False Fall
7) Second Summer
8) Real Fall
9) Early Winter
Then over the 7 there is a little star that reads, "You are Are"
I gave it a like when I saw it on the Facebook feed. I have not see her since a weekend back in HS when we visited her family when my uncle, her father, suddenly passed. That was 20 years ago but she popped up every day with some meme or blessing. I showed the seasons one to Ricardo in the smaller truck this morning before we left the yard. "Hey, check this out"
"Oh, Ive seen that except its for Minnesota."
"Oh...you have family in Minnesota?"
"Yeah! They moved there after the hurricane back home. Work at Mayo Clinic. Facility services, the whole family. 2 shifts back to back."
And maybe its because of the meme but it does feel unusually hot. Could it be that powerful? At one of the schools I deliver the secretary has a printed cartoon meme by her desk. And she told me, once when I pointed it out, "I love them. They are little ideas that get in your head. That is what they mean. Little ideas. Like viruses."
It is late September and usually the water route would be slowing down but this week it has been busier. Feeling it not just in my arms but in also the heave of the truck as the full bottles sway forward in their bays. When I leave the depot and pull onto Wakinmer Avenue I tap the brakes slowly and ease into the stop with all the inertia at my back. Each of the 100 jugs sloshing and glugging to every beat on the street and every footstep up back steps.
___________________________________________________________________________
Ugh, this is where I stopped because I realized I wanted to start talking about fluid dynamics which sounds so lovely (Fluid Dynamics! It can be raunchy or clever or just a great name for a bar. Or a boat.) but I know nothing about it.
The trailer for the second season of Jack Ryan on Amazon TV came out and I am sucker for anything "spy" and/or geopolitical (albeit its still a derivative of a Tom Clancy property so get ready for cringe) and for sure I will be watching it this November.
In the first season there is a cool scene that I want to add to my list of dreams.* In it our titular hero is at a party. This is before he has emerged as the hero and is trying to convince people that he indeed is the only one that can solve the problem. Its a party in someone's backyard on the Chesapeake Bay and while our hero is trying to convince people (and flirt with the love interest) a Coast Guard helicopter shows up over the horizon and just lands right there in the middle of the party. Then two people come out and approach Jack Ryan and go something like "Mr. Ryan I am Officer So and So and I am here to escort you to the Pentagon under orders of the Secretary of Defense. Lt Whats Their Face is here to drive your car back to your apartment while you get in the helicopter with me." And then he goes and everyone is shocked at what this mysterious stranger has wrought. And what could they know!
I want that to happen to me. I am pulling up to the office or dropping my kids off at school and a chopper just buzzes the building and swoops into the parking lot "Hey! The President needs you to write a very long email! You need to come with us to Washington, now!"
And I would get in, no questions asked!
*Note this list includes 1) Owning a shirt that says "Staff" on the back 2) Planting a tree and 3) Making a citizen's arrest.
I don't know what inspired me but I felt the need to re-watch one of my favorite movies as a child, recently. So I paid the $3 to digitally rent and watch Firebirds starring Nicolas Cage and Tommy Lee Jones
The Go-Go 90s
If you are one of my Russian porn bot readers then you may have seen it as Wings of the Apache which was the international release title.
I watched this movie way too much as a kid. It was one of those return to the video store and immediately renew movies to re-watch. The lone copy in Buho Video in Rio Piedras? Oh that was mine effectively.
That all said this movie is awful. Its like Top Gun but with helicopters save there is no awesome soundtrack or memorable one-liners. And if Top Gun did have maybe a tongue in cheek (or purposeful?) gay theme then...oh boy is the movie beyond manly.
"When do they get to the part where the blow up the cartel? That is all we want to see, right? Them kicking ass?" asks my wife about 75 minutes in and I realized I may have been doing a lot of fast forwarding as a kid.
The movie opens with a title screen/opening crawl. Like Top Gun!
Its about the war on drugs and a statement from Pres George HW Bush about the war on drugs. We are going to get you, ya drug dealers.
This is where the movies reaches its first radical 90s moment as it was a simpler time with the War on rugs. The War on Drugs made GI Joe and Cobra team up! Who cocaine must be a hell of a drug to get that to work. And while this was boiled down to simple "Just Say No" back home it has complicated socio-economic impacts domestically and abroad. That is beyond this blog (Because this blog is kind of like the Firebirds of blogs) but you don't send military advisers to a country without some ripples.
And in this case the country is...South America. All of it. The movie never names a specific country save it is set in the Catmarca Desert which per some cursory review is around Argentina. Which is not even close to where I think a hack writer would want to site a drug cartel movie (Really expecting the Columbia with a U to show up on the title screen) but that location looks a lot like the desert they train in over in the US so likely a money saver. The whole thing irks me know as an adult geography nerd as it is some "Africa is a country" tone deafnesses.
We then meet our here, Jake Preston played by Nicolas Cage.
Look...a lot has been said about Nicolas Cage and he has been in a lot of good stuff. He won an Oscar! But he is ALWAYS going hard. Going at 13 out of 10. And in this movie it is not charming or goofy but insufferable. He is chewing the scenery and trying to play a version of Maverick from Top Gun that would never make it past a first draft.
The most emblematic is this scene which is played 100% seriously
Oh this movie is cringe inducing. One particularly awful scene (that I luckily can't find) is one where Nicolas Cage and his love interest (Played by Sean Young who based on research for this article was kind of a minor sex symbol in the 90s. I was way too young which really sums up my explanation for a lot in this movie) have a training flight. And he lays it on thick and awful. He flies behind her helicopter and says "I got a great view of your tail" and then flies over her helicopter in a kind of inverted upside curve (which is cool to see) and then says "As I recall you like me on top." Which she laughs off because it was the go-go 90s and well...I think the Army still has a sexual harassment problem except now there is at least a class people take.
Another cringe-y scene takes place in a laundromat where Nicolas Cage is once again trying to "charm" her bu you know grabbing her and pinning her against the machines but she eludes him all while folding what seems like 30 pairs of lacy delicate pairs of underwear. Its a whole basket full of them. She has no other clothes! This movie took 3 guys to write do you know that?
Tommy Lee Jones is in it and he is always fun albeit it is funny now to see him being chided for being the "Old Man" at 40. That was his shtick even back then. He has got aphorisms for days and channels everything from that search scene in The Fugitive where he lists every house he wants searched. Except that scene was good. My favorite aphorism is "You are going to be busier than three peckered goat."
The hell?!
He also pronounces helicopter as "hee-low-copter" during random times. This would be endearing if consistent (maybe its the old gruff veteran way of saying it) but its not so it is annoying.
Aside from the mean old drug dealers (For real there is a scene that is supposed to create pathos I think where Nic Cage watches a new clip about a major drug bust but that police are helpless to stop the endless tide of drugs. Did Sean Hannity write this?) there is an internal conflict because Nic Cage's character has an eye dominance problem and he can't fly the Apache without fixing it. I never got this much as a kid and still not too much today but it is due to having to use a sort of heads up display in one eye and then use the other eye to watch a screen (or look out the window). But these are two man aircraft so isn't someone supposed to fly and the other shoot? I am sure its a legitimate problem (and I appreciate its not something super hackneyed like the pilot has got the "shakes" after his buddy died) but it feels a bit too specific and underwhelming. This is where they wanted to get the verisimilitude badge?
Don't worry that is also solved by Tommy Lee Jones and some, again, women's underwear. Tommy Lee Jones straps what I assumes is his wife's underwear to Nic Cage's head and ties a sort of periscope to his eye with that and a ton of duct tape. Then they go for a drive in a Humvee around the base with him only using that scope. I guess it forces his weak eye to do all the work? I don't know but Nic's wingman says "I always said you would look good in red panties, Jake"
Really? How did that come up? Of your wingman? Maybe "You always look good in red" but that seems really granular.
I am not one to judge but I think one of the writers had a clear thing going on
Of course I was drawn to the action which TBH there is very little of. The final 15 minutes or so with a lot of setup through convenient exposition. The cartels have hired a super mercenary to protect them. He is unstoppable. Literally entire armies of other sovereign South American countries can't stop this one guy so they need Nic Cage and the Apache helicopter. These helicopter scenes are fun albeit they don't have the deep pit of your stomach feel of good action scenes. I think I just liked helicopters and had not discovered AirWolf just yet.
I am no expert on military tactics or helicopter warfare but watching as an adult I have to think
Does it make sense to have helicopters dog fight like this? Can we just shoot the mercenary helicopter down with like a jet? Or a missile? This is the only way?
I know the cartels had a lot of money and ended up effectively running some SA countries but these guys are sophisticated enough that they could buy two freaking fight jets to fly along with super mercenary?!
The movie then ends as you expect. At one point my wife asked me if Sean Young's character dies ("Because this movie fucking hates women!") to which I say not because its pretty much paint by numbers style. This would be a bit charming if maybe the movie were self aware but it plays it dead serious.
I'll leave you with the trailer which comes off a jumbled and wimpy for what is supposed to be a man movie. It doesn't tell you much but gives away everything. Enjoy and remember to keep your nose up.
Today social media is a buzz because of reported shortages of White Claw hard seltzer. And supposedly Ohio is the number one drinking state for it. Which makes sense because Ohio has become Arkansas on a lake.
"That's unfair," you say. "Its beyond popular so how can it be trash. Elitist much?"
Or "Slammimg on White claw is slamming on things women inherently like and you are projecting the patriarchy"
Or "You had a post about loving fizzy water once even posting a blurry photo of Lacroix. Please stop hypocrite"
To which I say...someone read this?!
My recent diet changes had me try Whiteclaw and...its not bad. It needs to be stop time cold. Absolute zero cold. Crack the sap in tree branches cold so it sounds like the January forest is alive. We are dancing school cold! Then it feels pleasantly sharp and winnows the bottle of the Dimetap battle aftertaste. Because of this I glug them down. Your hand itself is the enemy.
They are not that bad. I have 4 in the fridge and I feel powerful.
Good looking co-worker: "Oh hey I like that shirt you are wearing."
Me: ***Just say thanks. If you say anything else besides thanks they will think you are beyond weird. Don't read too much into this. Its just a pleasantry.*** "Ah...well, thanks. I like your um salmon colored pants!"
GLCW: Huh?
Me: 😬 "Its cause I really like lox. You know like on a bagel!"
My son uses an app called Epic to read books for school. We paid for the full personal subscription this summer to prevent that summer brain drain. It's a wonder app loaded with books and then "read to you" functions that are like visual audio. Looks with flyout words. The app has minigame functions like rankings and badges so it feels quite satisfying to click "Finish Book" and see the screen sparkle with confetti.
The app customizes a personal library for the user and my son had developed a penchant, organically, for something from my past.
He adores books about unexplained phenomenon.
And it brings me back to tween and HS years where I began a "Para Science Club" (We could not call it Paranomal Club for fear of offending good Chrsitian folks. Aren't we a private non secular school I told the princiapl. Yes, we are but stil...)
And this club was lame. Like the kids from Stranger Things but with nothing to do. Our adviser, Ms Iorio, was the delight of the 7th grade boys and while glad to have the bodies it was still a bunch of 7th graders hearing about man eating plants from us seniors. We were so cool.
Seeing the words he reads are touchstones to a powerful developmental memory. I hear of those studies that say the music you loved as a youth will always be your favorite. There are no new tastes only what we have forgotten.
These words are touchstones. These incidents a collective memory I can connect him too
The Flatwoods Monster
Betty and Barney Hill
Kirlian Photography
Geists
Psychic Vampires
The Rendelsham Forest Incident
Bob Lazar
Fortean Times
El Chupacabra
Cryptids
The Greys
I show my son a picture of the original printing of Communion and he is not chilled (as I was. That feeling that crawls from the top of your heart and into your chest) but just covers his mouth but still showing a huge smile.
If existent at all then the audience for this post is narrow. It would be beyond awkward if anyone at work discovers this blog. Not because I slam anyone but because "Wow, that guy is weird." Or worse...that guy is boring. So no one will get this except me but it claws at my mind.
There is a pair of co-workers I am going to now jointly refer to as "The Raptors" because they are young, smart, assertive and "they test for weaknesses. so be careful when you present about the HR protocols!" And they keep you on your toes and keep you honest and are a through line for my tenure in my current gig. And they should have feathers because it makes scientific sense in dinosaurs and would look whimsical on people but I get it because it looks goofy. Plus allergies. And the mess!
And this is reference to Jurassic Park and the Muldoon's great white hunter pitch when we see the park feeding them. My kids have recently gotten into these movies (Their favorite is Jurassic World which is the best sequel but all of the sequels are not so great so there is that) and that came to mind.
Because of this I am going to change their MTG color alignment to Naya (White, Green and Red) because for sure they are core white with one leaning more so to the other. SO easy to splash the other color and because Naya dinosaurs ROAR! Zacama has three fucking heads!
Quick aside (If there is any constant to this post) is that whenever I think Jurassic Park I think of Channel Awesome Nostalgia Critic take on Jurassic World.
And I know that if you spend too much time on the Internet like I that there is justified concern over how Channel Awesome and the Walkers treated former employees and content creators (People I really like like Angry Joe, Linkara and Lindsey Ellis) but I am human and this whole bit gets me.
"Neither do I!" Albeit I thought this and did not say it aloud.
What runs in my family, I had dodged. High blood pressure? No, that's fine. High cholesterol. It's ok. The potential to be diabetic? That I manifested myself defying any notion of genetics. I am the forerunner and my legacy is built on endless gummi bears.
The doctor put me on a low carb, high protein diet. Cut down on the processed foods and skip the sodas. I never drink much soda but candy is processed and I would clean a stranger's gutters out with my daughter's plastic paw Patrol beach shovel (It has Zuma on it, appropriately) for some candy. My shame is gone to ground if there is a Milky Way Midnight around.
And all I want is bread. All I want is the "taco de sal" which is a wholly un healthy but so satisfying of a dish. You take a flour tortilla and grill it in a scintillating hot frying pan with butter and salt. Just for a few second while the skin browns and blisters. That with a coffee or sparkling water was my vice. I've never smoked but if if really feels as good as people say then this has to be close because it felt illegal. Also, awful for you.
All I want is tiki drinks swirled up with rum. Rum a liquor literally made from sugar. Tiki drinks based on a trinity of rum, sugar, and lime. Now I can just have the lime. I imagine im a sailor fighting off scurvy. Shuffling dry powder from deck to deck and using the butter juice to soften the hard tack bread.
The doctor also warned me of side effects of a pill she ordered. "Most patients see a 10 lbs weight loss when on it. Because it often gives diarrhea"
Like constant? Because I wondered that that would likely kill you before the diabetes.
Here he lies. Died in the bathroom trying to beat diabetes. Too bad.
"You actually dont have diabetes. This is just a kind of normal diet people do," my wife says.
But I fear become my father who died at 50 from choices he could have changed. I worry that I won't be there to prepare my kids for all the gives me anxiety in the world. This is how you purify water (because climate change will force more people to the well watered great lakes.) This is how you grow stalks of corn and trellis tomatoes. This how you jam in a drill bit (to board up your windows from super storms or maybe angry fanatics storming the streets) and how to escape a room in a mass shooting.
I worry about the cost if it becomes true diabetes because this is America and because I am selfish.
Because of this...I am not eating bread. Or, better put, eating lots less. So it now feels a luxury akin to how people market steak. Look at the marbling on that galaxy of seeds and colors on the rye.
I had a day where I was alone the in office. Alone because it was summer and people take time, whether it be in broad strokes of vacation or little cuts here and there. Also along because some of my colleagues that were working had meetings or other consequential happenings around town.
And it was warm in the office. The top of a 5 story brick building with 80 year old windows that muscle down on any attempt to open them. And when you do you need a iron bar to prop them open or they will guillotine your fingers off.
I enjoyed the feeling of the heat. The pin pricks of moisture on your skin or arm roll of your shirt. Its feeling very alive and very threatened at the same time. Its the angry glow of a baking car interior when you first get in. "I love this feeling," I told a co-worker once to whom I gave a ride back to their home.
"But you have air conditioner, right" he asked.
Alone in the office I did not turn on the A/Cs which were wall units mounted under those windows. I sat in the heat with just a single oscillating fan whirring away. Typing and emailing and filing its like any other day except quiet and warm. I, as I am prone to do, begin to Walter Mitty and I imagine myself as the classic detective in the noir movies. Slung over a desk waiting for someone to walk in through the door. But first I would see their shadow as it becomes large in the window well. The fan would be on my desk and made of metal and it would grind. The client would be beautiful because this is a fantasy. They would likely look like a co-worker because I had them and because of where was imaging all this.
Once I cooked up the bravery to take a creative writing class at the educational annex out in the burbs. Where kids take culinary lessons and train on how to be HVAC technicians. And the most cutting feedback I got was. "This is good but I would like to know this isn't taking place at the local college gym. I went there and I guess you did this because it is way too obvious." I smiled but then I never returned.
But its work even down to the color of the break albeit everything is a deeper shade of black and and the contrasts are sharper. And because its work this client, however striking, asks me what anyone does when they walk into my tiny saunas.
"its toasty in here"
"I enjoy the heat! Don't like air conditioning"
"But you have it, right?"
"Yes, I have solved enough cases to purchase one"
"What?"
If you let some thing go long enough then it will become meta. Except for this blog which was meta from the first point because I imagine everyone knew the intricate backstory and references of failed blogs of years prior.
And I am not clever enough to have come up with that. Its a TV Tropes thing for sure. But they will make in jokes or maybe even have an episode where all these things come to a head. Or there is a musical episode because why not!? I sound great in the car so lets sing!
I sometimes think about a musical at work. I am going about my day and we break into song.
Its kinetic as people bounce around from room to room and complete tasks.Its a Busby Berkeley routine set to Jimmy Eat World's "Authority Song"
Its how the hustle goes see what the jukebox knows...
See it is us walking in to start the day and this replaces all the usual pleasantries and good mornings. Lets get ready to go. The jukebox is checking messages and morning announcements.
Or in a very kinetic motion I hit a literal jukebox that pushes out these announcements in pop art styles that flash on the screen. Maybe I spin a coworker in a big twirl so she leans back and hit this jukebox to start the scene. In this montage I am 40 lbs lighter. And coordinated.
Honesty or Mystery? Tell me I'm not scared anymore
Again, lets do this. Its me and 4 other people climbing up the stairs backward and snapping fingers. This whole thing has this 50s big band Grease feel and its hackneyed but the song fits it. Someone vaults over a staircase railing in this montage and they Parkour spin to land elegantly on the ground.
And that chorus..."Do I-I-I-I-I-I-I?"
You know there are five ladies poking out of offices and classrooms to sing that. Just their heads poking out from the door frame to fill the space.
Mind you this whole montage ends with people getting to their desks. Its like that opening scene in La La Land where everyone zips and jives on the freeway before it ends with one single sweep of every door and keystroke of a log in.
Before all that for sure it will become much more active and people spin from room to room. Switch chairs that they slide over the office to each other.
If those were Roy's headphones You bet he play What Goes on
This line befuddles me but I deal with headphones so I imagine someone popping out from out of frame with broken headphones and a frown on their face. Then I take a look and pocket them to fix later but uttering this line for sure.
Ah well I'm here That means something doesn't it
I already said how this ends so maybe we should close on here?
I found myself fortunate to have an elevated view. Even a few stories up I can see the lake and break wall tops soaked by waves. This spring broke records for rain fall and from the position I can see it. Not just in the break wall but also the submerged docks under a inch of water. Still usable but annoying just like the soggy shoes of those walking it.
The lake appears marbled. Oceanic cerulean on the horizon and then closer to the edge a strong chocolate brown ribbon likely 100 of yards wide. Its "catfish water," which is a term I coined for the slurry you toss from a home aquarium during water changes. There is silt poured from the river but I beat there is fish scales and detritus layered up and down in a watery parfait.
Then at the shore the brown breaks and its the dusty geode blue I am used to. Where it goes clear in tiny portions scooped into your hands.
"I've never seen it that way," says my roof mate. "So high and in those colors."
It has been a slow summer so I reply "Yeah, you are right. Must be all the rain"
At around 9pm every night I develop a special kind of tired. Dizzy tired. Not slap happy or exhausted but just out of sorts. I will yawn in sharp gasps and my eyes will well with tears. My legs hurt and the arch of my foot gnaws through all the steroid shots. Through the custom fit insoles and stretches. I'll stutter and hug every throw pillow on the couch. "Let me rest for just 10 minutes," I'll lie to myself, my wife, my family. My life. I used to hobby. Now I pass out by 9:30pm.
As a youth I had a water bed. It was a hand me down from a neighbor who passed it in pieces over the backyard fence. Then my family rebuilt it piece by piece. We then went to the store and got new sheets for it. Ones specifically marketed as "for water beads," which at the time made us feel very sophisticated (it was at a Kmart but this was a find) but was truly a scam. It was a comforter.
It fooled people. I had no real chairs in my room so let's sit on the bed and...woah! What the fuck! It fooled relatives who thought it a wondrous novelty like the block of ice in a Hundred Years of Solitude. It fooled my dogs who jumped on it and just looked betrayed. My father sank into it before he died. I had a girl in my room once. Just the two of us. Water bed. And, nothing happened albeit yeah I hyped that up.
"On the water bed, man!"
"Wtf dude? Its Nora and I bet not"
"Man...damnit....fuck you"
In college I slept in a high loft. On the extra long mattresses meant for Japanese pod hotels. I can put my desk and dresser underneath it! My little 13" TV on top of the dresser. Saving so much space!
But I had no sheets. I slept on tapestries. Some given to me by friends as gifts and others I found around campus. I worked as a cleaner over the summer and we all scavenged dorms for items left behind. My entire late college lifestyle was a series of castoffs. The nicest thing I had was a bicycle i bought called Guildenstern.
My girlfriend came to visit one summer, driving straight in the night 6 hours from Ohio and saw the tapestries. The baby blue knitted rug over them. "Please change these or I will never sleep in the same bed as you again." I went to work the other day and she had gone to Bed Bath and Beyond and bought a whole new set of sheets for me.
Made of bamboo fibers
Wow! Was there a white sale?
The fuck is a white sale?
My mom said the best time to buy sheets and towels was during a white sale. Was there one? Where did you go?
Years later I now sleep on a couch. Dizzy tired and hugging pillows. I ball up old hoodies for pillows and was up actual pillows into my arms. The dip where my body has worn the couch into a sad gravity prevents anyone from getting up from the couch without setting down their drink. It is where I am dizzy tired.
A bit of scene setting...before teachers leave my school for the summer they have to clean out their rooms. Like a check out/walk through before you leave.
How I Think The End Of The Year Will Go:
Staff: Hey, I am ready to be checked out.
Me: Yeah, you are! Phrasing, am I right!
Staff: 😁😁😁 You are so funny
How It Really Goes:
Staff: Hey, I am ready to be checked out
Me: Ok, coming! ***Drops the bag of trash and stack of Ipads I am juggling and runs back up 3 flights*** Ok...I'm here.
Staff: Why are you so sweaty? Are you wheezing?
Me: ***Darth Vader noise*** No, I'm good...I'm good!
Toddlers in children's literature and shows are such serene creatures. Inherently full of wonder and sincerity. And, indeed, this can be true like the time my daughter encourages her mercurial older brother when he doesn't want to climb the monkey bars. They all say very true and swee things emblematic of being embossed between pages of hardcover stock.
But where is the sheer uncut bananas ridiculous stuff. The blows over a pretend balloon.
"Hey, give me that. What do you have in your hand...wtf....there is nothing here?!"
Daughter: "He wants to take it from me!"
"But there is nothing?!"
The anger at looking out each others windows in the car. "Stop looking out my window! stop it!"
The drill down and plant feet into the ground meltdown.
"What did you say?! Where did you learn to say "suck it!"
Son: NOTHING! WHO CARES?!
Me: Tell me where. No videos. No toys. No nothing until you tell me
Son: 1.5 hours of screaming and crying and "I hate daddy. Mommy is stupid"
Me: OK, where.
Son: pinky malinky!
Me: WTF. The hot dog show on Netflix. Was not my first guess.
Where is the awkward. "Well if you are Christians you can come to my bible study this summer" some random 8 year old in leopard pants and a pink Alaska hate tells us. WTF. You just met 10 minites ago.
Daddy?! Do you know this song "Num num num num num num num num num num num num num!"
I am reading a novel called Little Fires Everywhere which has some extra local traction because it is set in a posh East side suburb here, Shaker Heights. Mind you, I don't live there but I briefly lived elsewhere on that side of town and worked on that side for many years so there is so whimsy to reading about familiar landmarks.
The book is good. It feels both very familiar and intimate while still foreign. This is my life and No, this is not my life. It feels like someone put to page that feeling of "that kind of thing (Tragedies, sensitive family matters, zaniness) is something that happens to other people" when in reality we are ALL other people.
But, I'm not writing a book review. I got the book at a garage sale and remembered it was "local." The lady I bought it from said "I dated someone who great up in Shaker and his mom gave me that. I never read it and don't want to be reminded of that."
I am glad I found it. It has a beatuiful line that gave me pause. A literal moment where I had to put the book down and say "Wow"
It is..
"In the books she read, every stream might be a river god, every tree a dryad in disuse every old woman a powerful fairy every pebble an enchanted. Anything had the potential to transform, and this to her, seemed the true meaning of art"
The line spoke to me. And not as an artist because I don't consider myself one. No, nothing so elevated as that. Instead, it touched upon a long held and deep seeded feeling of the wonder in everyday things.
I sometimes stare at the bottom of my shoes and draw my finger along where thousands of steps have worn away the soles. My wife will ask "What are you doing" and I will mention"I am fascinated by the concept of wear. Things coming apart." At a cousin's wedding as a child I spent the whole time watching wax candles felt and congeal onto the top of a piano. "It is interesting to watch them isn't it," said an uncle. And I can remember the glow of the yellow light in the chilled event center miasma (There were no windows in this space. Everything hummed in a pale yellow) but better remembered is the fat droplets aching over each other into piles of wax.
Much of this has to do with an imagination leaning towards the fantastical. Not creative but in reverie. Not navel gazing but day dreaming. Like Walter Mitty albeit I found that story beyond sleepy in 10th grade English. "I am sorry I made you read that," said that teacher after I met her years later, myself as an adult and she as a retiree.
They are tales of super heroes and fantastic battles. I will meet someone and think "You are so cool! I want you to be my friend" or "You are awful. Go fuck yourself twice" and then its a grand drama. Which I have mentioned in the blog before but it permeates real life. I tell my kids "Today's mission is to...GO TO TARGET" and this is lost on them.
What frustrates me is how fleeting these are. And its why this blog can be so frantic and fragmented. These are just scenes that pop in and out...
I see a yard overgrown with 8 inch dandelions and grass that has been able to flower. I think that air around it is alive with the organic fluff of seeds and pollen wings. Buried in the grass are snakes, tick as pool noodles and lethargic because while it blisters in the sun, the rays have not penetrated this canopy.
A co-workers dyes her hair in wisps of pink and I imagine she shoots fire.
I hold a pebble and I imagine the strata from which it began. How it shifted up and down the layers you see in text books until it bubbled up in a deep water thermal vent. And it tumbled across seas and times being made smooth until it found a quarry where millennia later it was polished and com modified into the the stones in an aquarium.
I go back to the town where my wife and I met and then a time warp opens and I go back to that year. I have all my memories but no one else does and I have to relive those years my body and mind older but time reset. And I wonder if I will do anything different. Will everything else collide the same. The same happens for a bus stop I have not visited in a while. A vendor or person you see only every few years. "Last time I saw you...you were 3 feet tall!" And, do I want to go back to being 3 feet tall.
I touch the old fax in the office closet and I am sucked back to the last time it fired while in the past (or old present) there is but a wisp of dust and co-workers wondering where I went.
The silos on country roads are indeed missile silos, not for grain. There are sad exhausted faces in the openings for the unit ventilators at my office and they speak of happier times. The tools buried under the boxes of unopened materials from my last move increase my stats giving dexterity and intelligence. Each turn of the screwdriver is a move to be closer to 100% completion.
A quick one. That I can't rant on Twitter or accurately express on person.
Part of my job is dealing with facility matters. Fixing things, ordering stuff, moving things from point a to b. In my previous job I worked in logistics and there was planning but also doing. Stack this pallet. Move these boxes. Can you put together this item?
These are predominantly male fields so I deal/hear a lot a casual sexism. The kind of stuff people follow up with "hey, im just saying, im just saying!"
Two things that really irk me
1) The use of the term "females" to refer to women. These aren't bees we are trying to get to find pollen for us. It feels so redutive and cuts across both my moral compass and disdain for reductive words. Never say comfy in front of me.
2) the assumption that I am only doing what my female superior/supervisor wants me to do because a) I am a cuckold wimp and/or b) she must be a raging bitch, right?
Could it be that its becsuse she's my boss? Or shes right? Ya ever think of that, jabronis?
Plesse dont confuse this as fishing for "woke points." I am very aware of my privelege as a straight guy, born in USA, in this time period, and who can code switch to be WASPY. If you read this blog or Twitter then ive said pretty dumb things about yoga pants and the finer points of Baby Got Back. I have a wife and two kids and lots of failed awkward interactions with women.
But I hate the idea that not being a dick is inherently anti male. As if what is masculine is proportional to how awful one is to others, particularly women. That really feels appropo at this time.
Last on work experiences. As somoene who has had to manage folks tangentially (either volunteers or employees who I dont supervise but who could easily torpedo my professional goals) I loathe the philosophy that to manage one must be a dick. This isn't Machiavelli. So when i get rung up by good old boys because "I should tell at my people more. Really yell" I bristle and sometimes yell back at the good old boys. Who are sometimes suprised and other times laugh. "WTF was that?" Note, that one in what was likely my second worst professional ever, I had a colleague cartoon mock me to my face about one of these outbursts. Like I admire the audacity to pantomime me but also...wow.
And I'm not sugar and gum drops. Ask my kids (or my wife) I holler all the time. I was excommunicated once from a church I don't belong to! But when managing folks I see it as team and not a herd of sheep. Even though yes there are tough customers I wish I could mute and rock stars I wish I could clone.
I'm going off. This week I was told three times by 3 different "I'm too nice" and rherr is likely some truth to that but their counter (Just be mean) is too scorched earth.
Recently on Twitter, I listed my top 10 favorite mechs. This was in celebration of the 40th anniversary of Gundam a well known mecha anime that I particularly love. And mecha meaning media about giant robots. Well, giant mechanical suits that people pilot. A lot of this is Japanese so a lot of it is anime. Which gives me time for a brief segue into a rant about anime. Luckily no one reads this so I won't get blasted off the Internet.
I like certain animes. I don't like it (nor think of it as a genre) in general. Its a medium. That is saying "I LOVE ACTION MOVIES!" and thinking you appreciate Die Hard as much as Agent Cody Banks. Maybe because it is foreign it got pigeonholed into that but it needs to, like any other media, impress me for me to go ga-ga over it.* So just because something is anime I don't think its a reason to go bananas for it. And note I am dirty filthy plebeian anime watcher who likes dubs against subs and learned most of mine from whatever was in syndication on cable. So, yeah, a lot of Toonami stuff and, yes, my first Gundam was Gundam Wing like pretty much any young male with cable and time after school in the late 90s. This list, or my experience, is not comprehensive. Its one guy on a blog no one reads going on and on about giant suits of armor. Why!
BECAUSE THEY ARE BAD ASS!
Number 10
The Power Loader from Aliens.
I am in a minority of liking Alien 3 over Aliens albeit the second one has so many more cool and memorable moments. I'm just a fatalist I guess and wonder what could have been with Alien 3. But, this is about mechs...and this is a mech. No, it is not a weapon of war but I did a brief stint as a tow motor (fork lift outside of Ohio) driver and...Yes, I did imagine batting away little gremlins with the forks. Or just plowing through some blob only to get stuck in its gelatinous molds and escape via a convenient low hanging rope.
The power loader is amazing. Its a Chekov's gun. It's something earned. It shows the versatility that lets Ripley survive in the Alien universe. Its practical effects. Somewhere/sometime someone had to bash some miniatures together and play out what we all do with dolls and actions figures.
This is also the closest thing we ever may get to a mech so keep hoping for your power armor exoskeletons ala Starship Troopers.
Number 9
The Dragon Zord from Mighty Morphing Power Rangers!
Look, Power Rangers is inherently silly. This mish-mosh of Japanese footage with American footage (Sometimes spanning decades. Why does the picture quality drop when we start fighting?), the corny jokes, the colors, the leaping and spandex. This is beyond silly but it made A LOT of money in the go-go 90s and it is still going on. There are dozens of varieties but they all have Zords, giant robots the Rangers use to fight when the villain inevitably decides to "go big" and try to Godzilla the Rangers.
These are all mechs in the truest sense but the coolest is the Dragon Zord belonging to OG Green Ranger. All the the Zords had to combine into the one Mega Zord to really kick ass but this guy could go toe to toe solo. And you needed a knife flute to summon it! A KNIFE FLUTE!
Number 8
Megas XLR
This one really is all about the theme song
Beyond that (why would you need more?) Megas just looks cool what with the cool blue and warm flames and that big bulky frame. It shouldn't work but it does! The head is a bit wimpy but I think that is the joke. Shame this show got shafted especially since it pokes fun at a lot of mecha quirks.
Number 7 The Zeon Gouf Custom from Gundam 08th MS Team
Gundam is 40 years old but not all of it takes place in the same timeline. Many series do and this is known as the Universal Century which in general re-hashes (like six times) a battle between the Earth Federation and the Principality of Zeon. Look...Zeon are space Nazis. Like if Trump really made Space Force a thing then it would be Zeon. And don't give me that "both sides did mean things in the war" crap that Gundam sometimes does (Which I guess has something to do with Japanese feelings about its role as an aggressor in WW2?) Zeon are space Nazis. And they make a heck of a mobile suit. Just like the real Nazis!
So while I love any Gundam series where the good guys mow down all the Zeon Zakus and what not there is something cool about the Gouf Custom and its final battle with the 08th MS Team. Note this series has a wee bit more verisimilitude than others. No one is psychic (New Type in Gundam parlance) and its just pilot vs pilot. It is very visceral and intimate, something you can use to describe Gundam battles where one suit wipes out whole fleets with their SUPER BUSTER CANNON!
This is just a cool scene and it can't be denied albeit I am too goody good to root for the bad guys
Number 6
Nu Gundam from Gundam: Char's Counterattack
The problem with re-hasing the same story every few years (To the point where villains, while not the same person per se, still dress and act like the original version they are supposedly NOT copying. No, not at all) is that you need something to be different. I don't like a lot of the late UC Gundams because like many animes they start to meddle in the abstract and that is just beyond me. Especially since this is a show about giant robots punching each other. But Char's Counterattack is a newer-ish one and boy is Nu Gundam gorgeous. The contrasts on the yellow, white and black and the shoulder flare.
I remember this scene where it just tears through Zeon and it does using all kinds of clever tricks and not some wild super attack. It just looks damn sharp
Number 5
Sandrock Gundam from Gundam Wing
I know this is not the coolest Gundam in Wing, which is arguably the series most casual fans have some exposure too in the US. And I took a lot of heat for liking this suit as a kid. "Its lame. It's gay. The guy who pilots it is gay/too feminine, etc, etc" and I am...1)The guy who piloted it is super rich and has a literal army at his command. Wouldn't that be helpful in a giant intergalactic war? 2)No one was scoring in this series because everyone else was the typical brooding stoic type (Which is fine. I brood a fair bit. Usually at work) and 3) Sandrock has giant curved knives and that stood out where everyone else had some giant light saber. The suit also showed a bit of self awareness at times which happens all the freaking time in other Gundams but here it was neat.
Thank God for other maligned nerds and for whomever made this tribute video to my Sandy Boi
Number 4
Union Flag Custom 2 from Gundam 00
Gundam 00 was the first Gundam series where I could not stand the "heroes." I am way too much of a goody good to ever really go for the bad guys but wow did this series stretch it. The whole Celestial Being crew was way to overpowered and their mission (end all wars by starting a billion of them) felt way too silly even for a show with giant fighting robots.
Thankfully this series has a lot of decent supporting characters even though they are the "bad guys." And these folks are woefully under-gunned so anything that can go toe to toe with the annoying heroes gets a plus from me. In comes in the Union Flag Custom 2 which looks bad ass and in the clip keeps up a good fight even when it...well...goes to pieces. I also dig that that pilot swears he will beat the Gundams in his Flag suit which is akin to saying you want to win the NBA Championship wearing the New Balances your dad wears to mow the lawn.
Number 3
Jehuty from Zone of the Enders
This is from a PS2 game and the only mech here you could technically control. Unless you build your own thing. Zone of Enders feels like a cult game to me and I find it odd it hasn't had some re-issue. I honestly can't remember much of the game play save that some of the end bosses were beyond the wall hard but i remember how to main mech (or frame in its parlance) moves and it moves beautifully. Driving Jehuty around these abandoned space colony cities feels like ballet and I love how the sparks emerge from the "feet" as it sparks along the ground. Sometimes suits in mechs feel like they should not move as fast as they do. Like, for real, look at these things. They are going to move like the Flash? It will make more sense with the next entry but Jehuty feels right with its speed and fluidity. It just looks and feels kinetic, something that should be in shaky camera.
Number 2
Gypsy Danger from Pacific Rim Pacific Rim is a good movie. C'mon Guillermo Del Toro directed it! Big robot vs monster movies don't get that sort of pedigree. It is a labor of love. And the mechs steal the show (as they should). They have a serious weight to them that comes across the screen. They are all CGI but they "feel" very real and very weighty. So do the monstrous kaiju. Everything seems to snap and creak and groan. Feel alive and tense. Its the Nostromo from Alien albeit in mech form.
Gypsy Danger (What a name btw. Real old school bomber group vibe) deserves the star billing. That old gun slinger look and the intro in the rain. The movie is also full of over the top one liners like "Cancel the apocalpyse" and "Fight the hurricane" that I just find endearing. I also appreciate how this is an original creation/IP that is uniquely from the Americas in what is a field dominated (rightfully so) by Japanese pieces.
Number 1
The Veritech from Robotech
And, yes I call it Robotech not Macross because filthy casual and yada yada
This is all pure nostalgia and a first for me. This was the first mech series I watched. And, no, the animation (also pushing 40) does not hold up but nothing can dissipate 7th grade feelings of watching this. It really takes me back to spending afternoon in my mom's boyfriend's high rise condo (because it was so close to my school) and jamming this sitting on a blanket on a bare floor. And it was awesome.
The transforming was cool. I was just old enough to remember Transformers and this was before the gimmick of Gundam Wing's transforming suit. It could be a sweet jet fighter like Top Gun and then a humanoid robot blasting and punching away! The gun that sat on the bottom of the plane when in play mode pops up and then becomes the gun it can hold when in robot form!
It is so...as the kids say...OG and for that I will always love it.
Thanks for reading and suit up everyone!
*If curious....some animes I do enjoy (that are not obvious from this list): Outlaw Star, Sailor Moon (no I have not seen Stars or the Viz version because see above filthy casual), Digimon, Big O (another mecha), Blue Sub No. 6, Grave of the Fireflies (Holy smokes is this a sad movie), those Second Renaissance bits from the Animatrix, Pilot Candidate, and SAMURAI PIZZA CATS!
My mother has only ever made two legitimately sincere comments. As opposed to me where I drivel on in this blog. I show a lot of emotion on my face and cannot make small talk to save a life. And I distinguish sincerity as something inherently true and meaningful. Have I feigned interest? Sure but that is to people I come across on the street or at a conference. "Uh huh? Oh yeah!" But if I know you then I am sincere. Probably stupidly sincere. But this isn't about me its about my mom.
My mom has made two sincere comments in her whole life
"You should panic when I panic"
and
"Wow, that lady has a nice ass!"
I keep the first one as a professional mantra. "Don't worry co-workers, we got this. Its not over until its over." Personally, it ebbs and flows depending on what it is. Finance...yeah lets panic. We get some official sounding letter (not about finances)...no big deal. My mother is a fatalist so while everything will go to shit, don't panic, because its resolvable. "Everything in life has a solution except death," my mother would say. It sounds better in Spanish.
The physical comment was about a co-worker. Yes, this co-worker is good looking. Yes, it made me feel a torrent of awkward and awful. My mom has never been to any job I've ever had and per chance here she is at a company gathering. And she makes nice in her pidgin English and the first thing she blurts back in the car "Wow, that lady has a nice ass!"
"Christ, mami. What the fuck?!"
"What? She isn't here.
"My wife is in the car with us!"
My wife: "What is your mom saying about someone's butt?"
My mother: Cackles
Maybe it was all a joke but whether intentional or not it felt very real and refreshing. Counter to a lifetime of backhanded compliments and addendum. "This would be good if only...." or "Oh yeah, your father took me Y before you were born"
I had a nightmare the other night. Not an outright screaming or panic but something eerie and odd. I remember the dialogue albeit it was much more sensory than narrative.
Me: Why did you wrap me in this plastic sheet? My legs you wrapped them in this plastic sheet. Like Saran wrap but very tight.
Wife: What are you talking about?
Me: Last night. I woke up this morning and I had all this plastic wrap on me all shredded up. On the couch and on my legs
Wife: I have no clue
Me: I could feel you snipping at the wrap peeling it away. And every time there was a laser point of light, like a shooting star but in our living room. It glows purple, then pink, neon yellow and pastel green. With each snip
Wife: I think you dreamed this whole thing up.
Me: No, I head it. Its a long snip. If this were a comic book it would read out *SNIIIIIPPPP* and I felt the greasy grimy metal of the bottom of the blade on my leg.
Wife: You made this up.
And then I woke up. I should have realized it was a dream when I was talking to wife casually about wrapping me up in plastic pallet wrap but this isn't Inception.
My daughter recently decided she would only be called by her full name. Penelope.
Which reminds me of the time I renamed myself in high school. Because I do not like my real name. And, still to my surprise, people bought it! All through HS and college people called me by my nickname. But once I entered the work force it felt really juvenile to say that. So I used my birth name and now most people call me by it. That's fine.
Some folks still call me by the nickname, my wife mostly, and woah is that weird in mixed company.
People at work will be, can I call you Garik instead?
No, that would be super weird.
Really?
Its like if I called you, baby.
But...your HS friends called you that. Its not a term of affection. I'm confused. You speak in riddles.
Just, please don't. I am 80 degrees of awkward already.
It also reminds me of a job where we had 4 Katy/i/ies. Right out of a Kids in the Hall sketch. Cathy with a C, Kathy with a K.
Ok, these ladies needed some code names.
Just...Katy (or Alpha Katy) because she actually worked there and was first. I think it sounded much more affirmative then Katie with a Y.
Intern Katie...because she was an intern
Kate because sorry we need another variant and they all dont need to be diminutive
Other Katie because she was...the other Katie spelled like that.
They never were all four at once in the same room for fear the universe would implode.
I bought a new car. Not the Forester Sport I mentioned in an earlier post because that car is about 10k more than budgeted so had to go for something a bit more pedestrian.
I got a Honda Civic.
But, it's an EXL so leather seats and then the cool widgets like heated seats, lane assist, and other smart features that make it seem like Skynet is driving.
But that's not the story. The story is…
I live very close to a coworker. Like a half mile away. I try to dodge her when I am at Target or the grocery store. If I see her at the on ramp in the morning then it means I'm running late. No way I can drop my kids off at daycare and book it to work. If I see her then I'm in trouble. But that day my wife took the kids to daycare so I could lounge for an extra 10 minutes. Seeing this co-worker that day was not a portent of imminent doom.
So me and the coworker pinball on the highway to work. At the office she asks “Did you get a new car?” and I replied in the affirmative. “Yeah, old one had just shy of 100k miles and bought it in a different time when,I didn't have kids so time to change it.”
To which she replies, “Oh that's not too bad. My car has over 100k miles. I've been driving it since I was 15!”
This sends me into an anxious blob of self doubt. A perfectly innocent comment. She was just making small talk. She liked your car. People are just being nice but nope nope nope….
Felt like a bourgeoisie jerk. I could have driven my car for another 5 years! Just a bit of detailing and body work. Way to be so indulgent! You said you would drove that car until the wheels fell off and they did not! It was still going! Now it will be turned into a cube!
Then a panicked jerk. Ugh how will we afford this. We ran the numbers. It made sense. We can do this. But...what if we can't!? Should have kept old car.
Then an angry jabroni. Look at you getting mad over something like this. They were just being nice. You'll likely blog about this.
But it was brief so I shuffled away to my office.
I have a rogues gallery of awkward variants.
There is the you are so cool/smart/talented kind. Why am I even around you?!
There is the I think you are good looking awkward. Why am I even allowed around you?!
There is the you are cool/smart AND good looking awkward. Why? Just why?!
There is the angry awkward. I really don't like you but I'm trying to be better. Or at least plan my counter attack bon mottes!
There is the we knew each other years ago and I don't want to acknowledge that we kind of hated each other then but we are trying to be cool at this wedding awkward.
And a whole ton more. Reading these blog posts after the fact is a kind of awkward too!
All that said there is more to the story because later that day on the way back home...
By coincidence, I have another coworker who has the same exact car! And she has had it for maybe just shy of a year. Had I realized this I would have not bought it because that's weird. Insisted on another color or something.
So I message this worker (who I am terrified to talk to btw but I wanted to get ahead of maybe an ersatz exchange in the parking lot) and say "Oh hey, we have the same car. Isn't that funny!?"
And she replies how you think a normal human would. "Oh wow. Haha well it is a good car! Enjoy"
But my instant thought is...well now she thinks you are stalking her. Which then downgrades to just weird. To then...yeah this is likely all in your head. OR IS IT?!
Then on the way back home that day...I hover right next to her for maybe half a mile on the highway. Not on purpose! I was boxed in by several box trucks, which I can't believe I just typed but that is what they were and that is what they were doing. Please let me shift to the left lane! PLEASE!?
One day will assembling Legos with my kids I put four square pieces on central round spoke and made an ersatz satellite. I showed the kids and they said "What about a song about satellites!?" This was in the vein of their favorite song "Raining Tacos"
I knew of one! But where to find it? I just remember it kept saying "satellite" in it and I loved it as a kid in high school. No, its not Satellite by Guster.
Its Satellite by Bosco (How can you forget Bosco!) off the 2001 Tomb Raider soundtrack. If you want to listen then here it is albeit I am surprised I did not die of a aneurysm listening to this jam on repeat as youth.
Ok, a few disclaimers...yes, I did like this soundtrack a bit too much. And, no, I am not some Tomb Raider fanboy. The only game in the series I ever played is the 2013 reboot and this is way after the game (and Lara Croft's) major pop culture influence and the movie (which in writing this blog I realized there is ANOTHER Tomb Raider movie series based on the reboots) which came out in 2001. And, because it has to be said because its part of the "lore" (at least the fandom), no I was not someone attracted to Lara Croft. I mean she is bad ass and that's awesome but when it comes to fictional character crushes I am much more of a Sailor Moon guy. Oh in another bad aughts action movie Jessica Biel was in Blade Trinity and yeah that was an awesome crushable character. At least for me. It's not a good movie but she has a BOW and a HOOD and she kills vampires!
Tomb Raider (2001) is not horrible. Its an early aughts action movie so you get what you paid for but for some reason I loved this soundtrack. I had a burned copy my brother in law gave me (We had to race to the store to get the soundtrack after seeing the movie) that I carried with me all through college. I do miss my little CD binder sometimes albeit it was filled with garbage.
I then listened to the whole album and the fact I somehow don't have my ass kicked every day is a giant surprise.
The premiere track is Elevation by U2. Sorry, hard pass. U2 is like The Beatles to me. I respect what they have done (And as someone who worked in humanitarian aid you are familiar with what Bono has done to fight HIV/AIDS worldwide) but it does not spark any joy.
The best song is Deep by NIN. Which my son loved! He also liked Galaxy Bounce by Chemical Brothers. All "big" bombastic aggressive songs. The soundtrack also has fun little techno-pop ditties. It has Wheres Your Head At by Basement Jaxx and Get Your Freak on by Missy Elliott. That's fun!
Oh, boy but does it have some stinkers including a very meta movie song called Illuminati by FatBoy Slim.
YIKES! My son loves a song from the Lego Ninjago movie where a main part of the chorus is "Hi-Ya!" and a lyric is "I see a shark and its NIN-JA-GO!" and that is less cringe inducing and more sincere than Illuminati
As to the Satellite song, I shouldn't say anything. My normal tone of voice is akin to a baby duckling trying to sound like a parody of Christian Bale's Batman so yeah singing (or any music) is not my thing. But the shrill computery voice mumbling gibberish. The Atari motherboard bleeps and blorps. It feels like a song someone would write as a parody. I am glad I grew to appreciate much better bleeps and blorps otherwise knowing as various movie and video game soundtracks.
Harry Potter is one of those pop culture phenomenons that I have no exposure to. Ditto Doctor Who and Battlestar Galactica.
THis week at work there has been a running gag in the morning all staff message about "HP House Appreciation Day" It was "Hufflepuff Appreciation Day" one day then "Slytherin Appreciation Day" and people rejoiced calling out their houses and sharing coats of arms. I was beyond confused and felt like how most everyone must feel whenever I say something.
I ended up taking a quiz on the official Pottermore website and got sorted into House Gryffndor which I was told a lot of people want to be in because that is where Harry belongs and I was "Neat" albeit I have no clue what this means. Its a "good" house that values chivalry and doing the right thing. THat's cool, especially since that aligns with my MTG Color Alignment! So lets go really super nerdy! Consider this your warning!
Not a fan of linking to wiki pages to explain something (I mean you could do that) but honestly it is the best explanation without needing to know all the game's nuances. And it's 25 years of nuances. So here it is.
If you have read this blog (or you follow me on Twitter. Take a drink if you do both because you do need it) then I am Bant.
Like the article says "Its Camelot on the savannah" There are knights that ride giant lions, there are castes but you can rise through them by gaining sigils. And sigils are like little Pokemon gym badges. Its order and learning. Rules but still inspired to grow. Its duty and doing the right thing even though it sucks to have to do that sometimes. I am very much so a core "white" mage in MTG and this is the "white" plane in its story arc.
So, Im Bant because I'm white (I like order and getting things done. I want to protect) and Im a bit blue (I want to learn and improve) and then a bit green (Because I want to protect my community and things exist for a reason and yay nature and going hiking. These are not always so elegant). I'm also Bant because this is a card game and its my blog.
The head designer of MTG will answer color identity questions on Tumblr sometimes albeit it is usually around fictional characters. Short answer for what color you are is...all 5. Because people are complicated. But, that is no fun!
So I took the 25-plus people I work with and assigned them color identities. Now, I am not naming any names because (while no one reads this I am not that dumb) and nothing mean here but its also super weird because...its a trading card game where you put little pieces of cardboard in little plastic sleeves and then say stuff like "At end of your end step" or "Does it resolves" or "Get wrecked!"
Now, working at a school most people are blue-white or Azorius. Oh yeah, all the pairings have neat little names for branding.
And that makes sense because the Azorius are all about rules and order and setting law to improve the world. It can be heavy handed but they create the social contract for all of us to follow. In the game they really ham up the "angry bueracrats" because its a game about conflict but OSHA is Azorius. Public health is Azorius. Law and learning is Azorius. It is my default two color guild (If forced to choose just two colors) because yeah I am bit tightly wound.
So about 12 people are Azorius and like all the teachers I admire how they can teach and create order and learning from the chaos of a room of students. You really should thank a teacher more often.
Then about 4 people are Boros which is White and Red. And red in the game often is pigeon holed as FIRE FIRE FIRE (Remember its a game about conflict) but it is passion, impulse, creativity, love, and art. And Boros gets stereotyped as fight, fight (the logo is a giant fist! C'mon!) but these folks want to teach or effect change but are always sincere. In their likes and fears. In what makes them happy and what makes the nuts. I admire such honesty to themselves.
There is love in here
Then 3 are Izzet which are the "mad scientists" but here are people who are really creative and have big ideas that sometimes do drive me nuts. But those ideas make so many people happy and teaching and sharing them is admirable. Izzet folks also make things usually go Ka-Boom and yeah I can see some of these folks doing that.
Zap zap!
Then there is an oddball Orzhov someone whose ambition to always be right is admirable.
Also, an oddball Simic whose space is teeming with life and the amalgam of many living ideas.
An oddball Temur person (Red, Blue, and Green) who I could see scaling an icy facade or punching a bear.
I love the Temur. When I'm angry I become Temur
4 or 5 Selensya (Green and White) people which is my other other default two color guild. It reminds me of my younger days when I was much more idealistic. Wore a lot more hemp and carried recyclables back home. I love my Selesnya co-workers who bubble always upbeat and their spaces ordered and harmonious. Then one Naya co-worker (White, Green, and Red) who is all that but then always creating.
Selesnya Squad! 💓
Then 2 Esper people which is Blue and White with a bit of Black. Which if you are an old school MTG player black is the "evil" color but they have lately (ie last 10 years) tweaked that to ambition and "ends justifying the means." Which opens up a ton of potential for story and world building. And I admire how these folks want to affect change and maybe don't always stay so humble because yes what they did does deserve note.
Oh, one Abzan person (Green-White-Black) which is someone who would be Selesnya but they never stop and are always first and fast and best. Higher, Further, Faster!
I would follow my Abzan co-worker into the wastes
Then 4 Jeskai folks (Red-White-Blue) and these are awesome people (And I know I have said everyone is awesome) but these folks are awesome. Because they are everything the Azorius folks are but they never stop creating and doing even when it drives them nuts. Or others. I share an office with 2 of them and the red in them drives me up the wall sometimes (Why can't we do this? Oh, I did this already!) but that makes me a better person. And, yes, in game the Jeskai are flying kung-fu ninja monks which helps but everything else is true!
Hi-KEEBA! Also, do you know Narset is canonically on the autism spectrum. Representation matters!
I love the color pie. Its like Myers-Briggs but with MTG!
On my Twitter (@garikapc) I often stage these little dialogues on stuff that happened or internal narratives. These often exceed the 240 character count and usually at that point I am sure no one there would care. Some people do read my Tweets. So I am staggering the longer ones here for your enjoyment, porn bots!
Co-Worker: Hey ***Proceeds to being making copies***
Me: Hey
Also, me ***Her dress is nice. You should say her dress is nice***
Also, also me: ***No, that is weird***
AM: ***It is only weird because you are making it. Human beings are nice to each other***
AAM: ***WEIRD!***
AM: ***The only thing weird is your inability to talk to anyone***
AAM: ***How can I escape this situation?***
AM: ***What situation? You haven't said anything?!***
AAM: ***I need to go hide under my desk***
AM: ***NO. That is weird. Say something about the weather or making copies***
AAM: ***No. That is hackneyed***
Co-Worker: Are you, OK You keep staring at the wall?
Me:
Early warning that this post is a bit of wallowing. More so than any blog. But, no on reads this and it felt good to type out.
I cried for the first time this past week. And I mean break down, wtf, overwhelmed crying. The last time I did that it was August of 2018 and the sheer stress of the back to school rush (I work at a school and manage everything not related to curriculum/behavior) PLUS my son starting kindergarten was a knife to the heart.
I mean I teared up in Spiderverse (if you see any earlier blog posts) and sometimes I watch the last 3 minutes of G7 of the 2016 NBA Finals to get a nice heart murmur.
But this was crying.
It's spring break and I had my son all week, save for one day. And I love my son but he has not yet honed the ability to entertain himself, barring YouTube.
And I was sick with a wonky fever-cold that went on 5 days.
Then I can't sleep past 3am. I will wake up at 3am and then lie on the couch beating anxiety with endless scroll. Im up so I should work, knock out some emails. But, I'm exhausted, so let's try to go back to sleep. Oh, but here is a YouTube video I have not seen. I should read and stop wasting time online. I used to read so much. Then at 5am I am spent and dizzy tired/wired and a kid gets up.
The one day I went to the office I bounced around with contractors and paper pushing. Its helpful when no one is in the office but I take no long term satisfaction in what I get done. Its all regrets and I should
I should clean the office fridge.
I should tell the landlord to go fuck themselves.
I should do the math one nore time on those budget projections.
I should clean the milk fridge.
I should scrape and paint this hallway.
I should update the data on our staff compliance tracker.
I should bug infinite vendors.
And this is still doing an hour or two from home every evening
Then my daughter got sick and I had a sick toddler, my son, and me for 2 whole days. Being a daddy hurts my bones. I lose my patience and scream at them. I can't tie my daughter's hair back into even a simple pony tail because fine motor skills always evade me.
Then the New Zealand attacks happened and that is when I just cried. Which made me feel dumb (How is this different from any other tragedy or violence at which you have not bawled) then angry (at myself for the moral relativism, then at the attackers, then at myself again for being powerless to do anything) and then just drained.
I reported people who RT the live stream of the attack. What in the ever loving fuck would you do that? How awful when cruelty is so clever and effective.
Then I wanted to not be idle. I donated money to a Muslim American charity I worked with in another job. I would talk to my kids about what they see on YouTube. Nvm my kids can't really read. I would swipe away all the zany suggestions that can take a sudden turn down the rabbit hole. "Not interested" for days. I would go to the gym and get in shape. Maybe because sometimes the world does feel like is is fraying I will see if I take up a buddy on taking me to the shooting range. I should try it before criticizing, yes?
But then I'm raging again because I will likely stay the same tired fat guy lucky, however self-aware. to be born a male able to code switch into the majority. Then sad and angry I am making this about myself (blogging about it!) instead of those 50 victims. And shouldn't I felt like this for other victims? Yemen war victims. The Pittsburgh victims. Charlottesville. What is wrong with me?!
So I cried because I felt if anything deserved tears it would be this.
"You are going to die at 30," my mother would say to me as a teenager. And while I chalk it up to her fatalism I also can't relax and while she was crazy my mom was not dumb.
Others relax by going to the gym. They sip coffee and read a book. They meditate. I take the edge off by making lists and checking them off. My life is post it notes (whether mental or physical or digital) stacked on each other.
And cross the marks off feels great!
30 minutes of firing off work emails or moving numbers around on a spresdsheet. There are days where that feels better than simpler vices like drinking or masturbating. Smoking too. Which I never done but somone once told me "Is the best thing in the world" and I like to think knocking those out feels equally as satisfying.
Extra points for doing this on the go. On my phone or in 10 minute intervals while kids are calm.
At work there is someone in our building who put a Club on their car. Every morning they get there and take a few seconds to clamp on this steel shaft to their wheel. I am usually rushing and racing but they get there with enough time to do this ritual.
The Club reminds me of the go-go 90s and gimmicky gadgets that then seemed much more eccentric. Yeah, they were "As seen on TV" but seeing it now makes me think of Skymall Magazine, the ads in the back of old comics, and various catalogs including one a friend of mine got called "Things you never knew existed"
Onw of my aunts has a very good lesbian friend. To the point that my mom swore "Titi Viva es gay" in her older widowed phase of life. But my mom thought I was gay for a while to and that "at night all cats are black" so theres that.
We falled this goof friend of my aunt "Titi Gladys" and Gladys drove the 90s Mobile: LE Maygauez edition.
White Pontiac Lumina
Driver and passenger seats had the beaded wooden seat liners for your back
The "tin foil" folded solar shield WITH the embossed sunglasses design
The Club
The CD player that runs off the tape deck
A plastic supermarket bag tied around the shift handle for trash.
And, as a kid, did I think it was awesome riding in that machine going to the Tastee Freeze or my cousins house!
